2015 - Week 6

No longer a star of our show: Frankly, Kirsty's charleston was a total plank of a dance. 'Kudos' to Brendan for managing shunt and drag even during a non-ballroom number. Surely it's time for Mr Cole to retire?

Bottom Two: I didn't see much of Jamelia's jive as it turns out that my baby finds me singing and dancing the Time Warp simply HILARIOUS, so that's what I spent those 90 seconds doing. And for whoever danced after her. And after that. Etc. 

The good: Or, to put it another way, who did wardrobe hate most? (Natalie aside - more on that story later, viewers.) Helen looked like she been papier-mâchéd in loo roll, Kellie proved that 'Sexy Harry Potter' is as appealing a fancy dress concept as 'Sexy Where's Wally', and even Gleb (or 'Glen' as my autocorrect would have it 😂) is officially not handsome enough to rock a greased down nearly-mullet. (Though it turns out waltzes are improved by flying, lady horns and dramatic death scenes.)

The bad: Lovely Carol is still there, which means her level of popularity is so high, she could surely stand for election on a Sell The NHS To Fund PlayStations For Immigrant Terrorists ticket and become PM. What else can explain that utterly terrible rumba getting through? The power of loveliness surely cannot suffice? (Actually, there was a nod to another possible reason for Carol's popularity on her costume - Wardrobe had sewn a glitter skeleton hand on her boob. Many a older gentleman's thoughts visualised, right there.) 

You're my favourite: Jeremy! Jeremy! Jeremy! What a performance! Thriller night, indeed. He knows his steps and performs them with enthused relish. Yes, he looks ridiculous, but he also looks MAGNIFICENT!

Tessdressmess: Sexy side Spanx. 

Darcey Brussells as Morticia set a few (Mr Cad's) hearts racing. 

Pro-dance: If you're going to do a chess concept, it is a TRAVESTY that it's not danced to I Know Him So Well. Two of the worst dances I have ever seen, I think - and I hate to repeat James Jordan, but it does seem odd to use trained ballroom dancers in a contemporary number (Anton does modern - ROFLMFAO). And there was no need to dress Natalie in low quality drag - though it must have taken some doing to make her seem so manly. 

The big question: What *did* they promise Nancy to secure that appearance?

Next week: Jamelia's public declaration that she "knows the British public don't like me" should keep her firmly in the bottom two. I just hope it's Lovely Carol that joins her, else the Lovely tag will, through no fault of Lovely Carol's own, start to be in jeopardy. Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

2015 - Week 5

Five thoughts:

1. Ainsley has left us too soon. He was far more fun to watch than Carol, Kirsty, Jamelia and Jeremy-on-a-ballroom-week. 

2. Anton needs to be banned from teaching or choreographing Latin. What a shambles. Get Ian Waite in! Job-shares are a progressive move, anyway. Anton would enjoy the time off to sup tea with Widde and go tie shopping. 

3. Jeremy must do Latin dances only. I AM SERIOUS PEOPLE. It will be a travesty if we are not treated to some paso cape-work and rumba hip action before he goes. 

4. Yes, Kirsty was better, but still massively overmarked. Has she signed up for the tour...? *innocent face*

5. New lows were reached with that synchronised-swimming pro-routine. I

know charlestons are supposed to be goofy, but the beachballography was especially shoddy. Watching ballroom world champion Joanne Clifton - who was employed, let us not forget, solely for the pro-dances - gurn and roll on an inflated ball seemed a bit of a waste.

6. Yes, this a sixth thought but how could I forget?!!!!!! 

"BULL'S BOLLOCKS!"

*cries laughter*

7. (Seven thoughts, it's fine.) After an underwhelming weekend, which was uninspiring to blog (the main concern, let's face it), I find myself in the unusual position of looking forward to Halloween week. Not only have I embraced Halloween this year, to the extent that I will be dressing my baby as a glow-in-the-dark skeleton, but I also know there'll be something to mock. Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

2015 - Week 4

No longer a star of our show: Wee Daniel - the pipes, the pipes, have called Danny Boy away, a little too soon for my liking. He fell between two (Westlife?) stools; his airline pilot-themed American Smooth was neither stage-school amazing nor pant-wettingly hilarious (Jeremy, yo!), but I was really enjoying his gentle improvement and gentle schtick: no-one else has ever managed to banter with Tess successfully. At least Kristina's dance sensuality and cleavage can finally be unzipped for the pro-numbers. Demure no more! Let La Rihanoff return without fear of tabloid take-down!

Dance off survivor: Kirsty's paso was the same as her other dances. She looked beautiful but her dancing was lacking something and Brendan had to shunt her around too much and blah blah I'm just going to copy and paste that now ready for next week.

Top of the leaderboard: ANTON DU WHAAAA?!?! Anton du Best - and it only took thirteen years. Katie was amazing and gorgeous, even if Wardrobe had seen fit to stick her in a high denier flesh bodystocking and shoot sequins at her boobs.  

Wardrobe's most hated: The guns (glue and staple, not muscular) were out in force; Giovanni's preposterous feather-lined nipple-grazing waistcoat and Janette's golden dandruff fringing got the brunt of it. Mind you, I remember little else of Pandre's tango and Georgia's quickstep (use of S-Club aside). 

Silky shirt-off: And indeed, shirts off and nips ahoy. Gleb (in the silky samba sky-blue corner) and Aljaž (in the silky salsa scarlet corner) both did some pec flashing for the laydeez and gaydeez - but who was better? Aljaž, of course, with his dressing up box making yet another welcome appearance. (Dr Skorjanec will see you now, if he's not too exhausted from his night shift and protesting Jeremy C... I mean, Hunt's latest measures). Elsewhere in paso land, we got 'treated' to a Robin disco vest on Brendan (oh Brendan, not without the protein shakes, dear), whilst Pasha dared a more season-appropriate polo neck. 

Straight up: Finally a dance to suit the twerky bum thrusting that Tristan likes to choreograph for Jamelia. I also very much enjoyed the Paula Abdul appearance - dressed as an unhinged WASP in foulard and yappy dog, throwing some passive-aggressive shade with the line "the strong and confident woman I hear you are, Jamelia." (Blatant code for 'bitches be sayin' you're a forthright cow, J'.). As much as I enjoy a ragtime pop cover, I do think Paula's Straight Up original is better and it further highlighted a personal regret that Opposites Attract has yet to make a Strictly appearance; I can see it fitting a cracking samba and I'm sure Lance the Singer could do a fine MC Skat Kat for Dave Arch.

Zzzzzzzzzz: Ironically, Kellie and Kevin's very competent foxtrot could have done with some lashings of Camembert to perk it up, whilst Ainsley and Natalie's waltz could have benefitted from can't-remember-the-routine improvised bumography. 

You're my favourite: YAY JEREMY! Splish splash, he was taking a bath, dressed in the most horrific turquoise vomit motif. Those long gangly limbs weren't made for jiving but who cares?!! It was joyfully hilarious. He'd better be the last duffer to go, British Public, else I'll shake my fist at you.

Hair-watch: Jay is actually very handsome, perhaps, even with that permed bouffe - or such is the power of fantastic dance that I've been blinded by his talent after last week. Why Aliona didn't keep the Uma black bob is beyond me; manchego-coloured hair is not a good look when it blends so perfectly into the same shade of fake tan. Tess Daly had the best hair of the weekend with that beehive though. Amaze.

Tessdressmess: Indeed Sunday's TessesTresses were good enough for us to gloss over Saturday's Angelina Jolie leg gothic number. Mr Cad will be disappointed to have missed Darcey Brussells' spray-on dress. 

Eighties pro dance: Where the styling was Bit Part Vampires Of Buffy... Unlike Buffy, the dance was crap - though I chuckled to see Anton and Brendan reduced to jukebox and cocktailography. 

Special guest killing time between dramatic reveal bits: I couldn't tell if Will Young's dancing was trying to be piss-rippy or serious. He dropped Aliona with convicted gusto (serious dancing) then did a move where he stood with his legs spread and wiggled from hip to hip (piss-rippy). Either way, Will for Strictly 2016!

Next week: Lovely Carol wasn't naturally suited to the paso, but sticking her in an M&S brassiere and banning smiling helped. Surely she's on for the dance-off soon though. Surely!?!?

2015 - Week 3

Saturday night at the movies... Look, there's no point in getting upset about Theme Nights any more, Strictly's gonna theme theme theme, and we might as well run with it. It has, after all, produced such classics as... Oh, am sure there were some. Nancy sipping champagne in a coffin or something? So see!

No longer a star of our show: Anthony Ogonegone.

Dance: Paso doble

Film: Rocky

Bit of a harsh outcome, I thought - to me his flamenco mugging and grunting seemed no worse (or indeed better) than Pandre's - but it is possible that Eye of the Tiger is just such a choon that I got bamboozled by the music. I was also enjoying how Wardrobeade their silky boxing robes look fresh from

Hogwarts.

Newbie note: Oti has been a fab addition to the pro cast and not just because of her boobieography (wowsers!!!). Based on what we've seen with Anthony, she's a great crafter of routines for slebs with an incomplete set or working limbs and a limited sense of timing, so I'd love to see what she could do next year with a contender.

Dance off survivors: Ainsley & Natalie's cha cha (by which I mean, the cha cha of Natalie and... nope that still makes it sound like a reference to her vagina).

Film: Happy Feet.

Ainsley didn't actually perform any choreographed cha cha steps and basically did 90 seconds of penguin freestyling whilst Natalie stifled her giggles (and we all reminisced about Michael V's legendary axe jive). But I was still quite surprised that the audience rushed to save Lovely Carol's quickstep over this, however lovely Lovely Carol may be (answer: really very lovely).

Indeed, speaking of...

Lovely Carol & Lovely Pasha's quickstep.

Film: South Pacific.

For one demographic, Carol's classic hourglass figure. For another, Pash's snug khaki trews. I guess both of those things do go some way to explaining why they survived the dance-off.

Katie & Anton's cha cha.

Film: Pretty Woman

*Trombone sound* But why did I expect anything more from an Anton latin? The choreography was Katie doing a jaunty walk in a small dress whilst Anton faffed around her, mostly off camera - trying to hide his inability to cha cha, no doubt.

Highlight: Darcey Brussells telling Katie "you look the part". I.e., you resemble a hooker. And Katie looking like she wanted to stab everyone with a stiletto.

Kellie & Kevin's charleston.

Film: Star Wars

Unbelievably, UNBELIEVABLY, this really really worked - who knew double bagel hair, space-judo outfits and lightsabers could be ballroomafied? (BTW I just checked how to spell 'lightsaber' and discovered in the process that the Star Wars wiki is called Wookieepedia, so applause to that.) Dance wise, the gorgonzolaometer was still camembert-stinkily high, but  they could have stuck Kevin in a Ewok suit (or Jar Jar Binks, perish the thought), so I think we can cut them some cheesy slack. Mmmmmm, delicious cheesy slack.

Georgia and Giovanni's rumba.

Film: Generic Bond

This was good, in that it was a bearable rumba. Though it turns out that was probably only because it included no rumba steps, much to Len's dissatisfaction - Giovanni was basically sent to the naughty step to think about what he'd done and the impact on Len's walnuts.

Helen & Aljaž's foxtrot.

Film: Some Like It Hot

A missed opportunity for Aljaž to get the drag out of his dressing up box; we needed something to jujje up Helen's almost flawless execution; really good can be really boring.

Daniel & Kristina's cha cha.

Film: Grease

MEGA LOLZ. When I told Irish friends that Daniel was doing Strictly, their eyes sort of lit up and a wry joyful mini smile appeared - and I totally get it now. Obviously Daniel couldn't cha cha but there's a winning robotic charm emanating from him, and given that he was playing John Travolta, his default facial expression of mild gormlessness worked quite well - especially when he remembered to intersperse it with mild pout, pelvic thrust and fifties combography.

Kirsty & Brendan's American Smooth.

Film: Lady and the Tramp

It takes a special kind of beauty to pull off being dressed like a sexy cocker spaniel, in TOWIE orange bodystocking and giant permed bunches, but Kirsty achieved it - so expect some dodgy copycat versions this Halloween (Sexy Poodle, Sexy Dalmatian, Sexy Pitbull, Sexy Cockerpoo etc). I actually have this very vague memory of a game we played at Brownies where, in pairs, you had to use your brownie uniform and whatever was on you to dress as a dog and its owner, then be judged by Brown Owl as if you were at Crufts. Surely that can't be a real memory - it sounds insane. Then again, the eighties...

Peter & Janette's paso doble.

Film: Pirates of the Caribbean.

It basically looked like Wardrobe had lost the original outfit, so had to pop to Primark for an emergency replacement - those floppy velvet boots and weird hat-wig were regional panto at best. Also, aren't pasos meant to be the dance where the chesticals come out, perhaps under a teeny bejewelled waistcoat? Why no belly reveal, Pandre? Surely the Mysterious Girl six pack hasn't been drunk away over the years?

Jamelia & Tristan's salsa.

Film: Charlie's Angels

The highlight was obviously the bit when Tristan manhandled Jamelia into position by literally pulling on her hair.

Jeremy & Karen's charleston

Film: Top Hat

Actually not bad! Especially since Jeremy's limbs are Go Go Gadget long, which can't make dancing easy. But what a missed opportunity to not have brother Tim Vine do the show too.

Anita & Gleb's American Smooth.

Film: Ghost

Given the amount of sexy time choreography in this (yup yup, that move where Gleb full body dry-humped his way over a laid out Anita), I'm pretty nervous about what their rumba will be like.

Jay & Aliona's jive.

Film: Pulp Fiction

Just wow.

Just WOW.

Just watch it.

And that is why I have no problem with trained dancers doing the show. Sure, it's going to make Aliona unbearable, but it was bloody amazing work, so...

What else...

Tessdressmess: Which was worst?Craig's cartoon peanut tie versus Darcey Brussells' Oscar dress made of fish scales versus Claude's large faux crystal encrusted jumpsuit. (Does that mean Tess gets a pass this week? Perhaps I wasn't paying attention.)

Pro-dance: An exciting star turn for my adopted Sarf Landan hood, with the appearance of the Horniman gardens in Sunday's show. (An even better appearance than when Binks and Alex off Made in Chelsea went on a date to the taxidermy room and looked extremely confused.) On Saturday they even they let the mere mortals get involved. Kellie's ET bike riding was the best bit - her little face cracked me up! And she had better dance/pedal work than Victoria Pendleton (though I suppose Kellie has the advantage of not having her soul crushed after several weeks of dancing with Brendan).

Next week: I'm probably done predicting at this point - I thought Anthony had a good few more weeks and I can't see Ainsley going yet. Which means I think it's Lovely Carol by default, but history is showing us that Pasha-power is strong. So who knows?!? Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep etc.

2015 - Week 2

So here we go, the week two endurance test ahoy! I missed the main show live, as Mr Cad wanted to watch Scotland in the rugby and as he's given up seven autumns for Strictly, it only seemed fair. Not sure what happens if Scotland play on another Saturday night though... One match, sure. Two matches...

Anyway, what occurred?

No longer a star of our show: Ciao for now, Iwan & Ola. I actually thought their cha cha was hilare - LMFAO was an apt soundtrack. Ola must've smelt the last chance saloon, as she threw everything she had at it; pecsography, assography, tattooography, thrustography, hair-extensionsography... But it wasn't to be. Surely that's it for Mrs Jordan now? At least she had her swansong in a trademark Ola outfit of dental floss and streamers. 

I'm not sad that we won't have to endure any more Iwan, but it's still worth re-watching this dance to see Dave Arch having a right old groove on the keyboards as he and his wonderful orchestra pump out a surprisingly acceptable version of I'm Sexy And I Know It. 

Dance off survivors: Jamelia & Tristan, which says a lot about her popularity (the forums certainly no likee). Dance-wise, even I could see her legs were too bendy - a well known cha cha cha no no no - and I wasn't that impressed by her twerking either, in spite of Tristan doing his best to rouse things, by yelling "SEXY SEXXXXAAAAY" during the bootyography (thank you for that reveal, Len's lens). On the other hand, Jamelia did look a vision in emerald party streamers, though poor Tristan must be fed up of donning that particular shade. I believe it's called Top O The Morning To Ya Father Ted Riverdance Boyzone Westlife U2 Brian O'Driscoll Guinness Leprechaun Blarney Stone Four-Leaf Clover Green, and is available in the Valspar paint collection range. 

And how did everyone else get on?

Daniel & Kristina's charleston: It was good to get Robo Daniel safely past such a mugging/expressive dance, but props to Kristina for putting in a lolz-some solo section to please Daniel's fan army. I also enjoyed the emphasis in the VT on LOOK DANIEL'S GOT A WIFE LOOK AT HIS WIFE HER NAME IS MAJELA SHE IS HIS WIFE MAJELA HIS WIFE IS HANGING OUT WITH KRISTINA WHO IS SHOWING NO SIGNS OF STEALING DANIEL SHE LIKES HIS WIFE NOTHING TO SEE HERE ETC ETC. Indeed that storyline was further backed up by a rather demure charleston dress, which was totes gorge and ironically ended up reinforcing Kristina's allure.

Faff klaxon #1: Ascot hat, champers and binoculars-ography. 

Kirsty & Brendan's salsa: It doesn't matter whether it's ballroom or latin, Brendan favours shunting or chucking his partner over teaching them. And to think Anton used to get my grief...   

Jay & Aliona's waltz: Great mover. Rigor mortis face. Who'd have thought the new hair, a cropped bouffe, could be worse than the previous poodle frenzy? But it was. 

Georgia & Giovanni's waltz: The real question is this - who had the more truly competent but utterly yawnsome waltz, Helen/Aljaž last week or Georgia/Giovanni this week? Probably Helen, but there's no way I'm wasting life on re-watching them both to find out. 

Ainsley & Natalie's salsa: Yes, it was mainly rubber-legged randomness, but you've got to hand it to Harriot - he gave it some gooooood face and some not entirely ridiculous improv. Though Darcey Brussells recreating his shoulder wiggle with peace-sign fingers was the highlight. 

Lovely Carol & Lovely Pasha's waltz: I'm just glad we get most of the waltzes done in the early weeks, as I never have anything interesting or funny to say about this dance and have officially run out of synonyms for 'boring'. But it was a definite improvement for Lovely Carol - and look, she survived! 

Kelly & Kevin's cha cha: I bloody love cheese - nine months without brie was essentially hell - but Kevin's choreography is TOO MUCH. It's going to put me off my cheese platter, and that is unacceptable. 

Anthony & Oti's waltz: Only more interesting than the other waltzes as there was the sense of danger that Anthony's shoulder or Oti's cleavage might pop at any moment. 

Anita & Gleb's charleston: Everthingbutthekitchensinkography - my brain is still overstimulated from all that was going on. Interesting that Wardrobe dressed Anita-as-Bonnie-off-of-And-Clyde in the style of a sexy cowgirl though. For realz, where was the beret?

Jeremy & Karen's American smooth: Who cares if it was shoddy - Jeremy was my favourite!!!!! His joy is just infectious and the judges' poo-pooing hit the wrong note. I think he could knock a better dancer or two out yet...

Faff klaxon #2: university library-ography, including Karen's turn as Sexy Librarian.

Katie & Anton's tango: Who'd have thought it would come to this - a time when I look forward to seeing Anton's performance for reasons of dance. Or that I look forward to seeing Anton's performance, period. I'm even overlooking how Anton tangoed sporting a woollen turtle neck in a shade of fake tan not seen since Robin's giant pecs left the show. 

Peter & Janette's quickstep: I thought it looked a bit dodge - but that's in the context of him being really good I guess. My ¡Manrara! fangirling continues - she looked amazing in diamanté leotard and swishy skirt made of posh hotel curtains. 

Helen & Aljaž's cha cha: We can now all happily add 'mechanic' to the list of outfits in Aljaž's great big dressing box. I imagine Janette spends much of her time replenishing it. Can I put in a personal request for Scotsman, please?

Tessdressmess: Saturday brought jumpsuit horror with added bandage décollté = a return to la Daly's bad self. Sunday brought upholstery-based fashion for both Tess and Claude. Claudia is also really loading up the kohl, even by her standards. It's a wonder she has the strength to lift her eyelids.

Pro dance: Truly lovely partner-swapping ballroom/circus skills swishy dance goodness. Plus Aljaž and Tristan in tails. Hello. 

Special guest killing time between dramatic reveal bits: Are we surprised the Rod Stewart pro routine was all the pro laydeez grinding chairs in spray-on leopard skin then catwalking up the stairs? (I.e. Not dancing whilst an old grizzly did some old grizzling.)

Judge-watch: They've now named their dance entrance ('The Strictly' - oh the originality), so it's here to stay. Boom town! I bloody love that hot mess.

Next week: Lovely Carol surely can't have that many weeks in her - not if there's more latin in the offing. Jamelia and Kirsty could be vulnerable too. I'm not even entertaining the notion that Jeremy might leave before he gets to dad dance a paso doble. Until then, keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep...

2015 - Week 1 - Saturday

Before Strictly started, Pointless Celebrities was on - and the first category was TV judges. Ben Cohen, whom I'm sure I don't need to remind you was on Strictly for a good couple of months, went for "Darcey Brussells". 

DARCEY BRUSSELLS. 

PMSL doesn't even begin to cover it. Xander and Richard were openly laughing. It was amazing. In his defence, perhaps Ben was slightly distracted during his time on the show and didn't quite manage to pick up everyone's names. 

But on with the show...

Pro opener: Ola in Sandy Grease's leggings. Aliona in Cabaret hot pants. Kristina doing her best Marilyn. And Joanne Clifton in surgical stocking leg warmers... All the main fetishes covered then. 

Dressmess: Claude and Tess both donned standard boob tube gowns in black/short and white/slitty. So nothing to really slate here. Let's all move along until next week, shall we? And, for the record, this feature is not intended to focus on #everydaysexism. I fully intend to slag any terrible male dressing I note. 

Speaking of which...

Jay & Aliona's cha cha: Yes, he's going to be an excellent dancer, but I'm not sure I can get past the small potato face and top knot perm. Or the smugness of Aliona, given her chances of being the first double winner. 

Brendan & Kirsty's waltz: Kirsty was rabbit in headlights, but that's quite apt, seeing as her face is made entirely of eyelash and cheekbone, much like a Disney baby animal. Of course Brendan has been on this show a billion years, so went straight to shunt and drag autopilot.

Jeremy & Karen's cha cha: On one hand, it was awful and he didn't have a clue, but, on the other, when you still style it out with gusto, pelvic thrusts and disco gurns, you're on to a winner in my eyes. The comedy place is up for grabs and no bad place to last a few weeks from...

Georgia and Giovanni's jive: And I thought Pandre would be the irritating one. If my baby opts to have a mega-scream during one of Georgia's VTs, well, frankly, that will not be a problem. As for the comedy Italian casting, it's too soon. Or too thoon, as Vinthent would have said. 

Ainsley & Natalie's tango: Oh Natbot - I'm totes on board with her these days. So much to lurve here: Choon! Ainsley's tango face! Scarlet dress amazingness! Now let me hand over to my five year old Godson: "And the coolest bit was when she did woooosh like bat wings with her dress." 100% agree.

Katie & Anton's jive: Hashtag dress envy. My God, she looked cracking. Clearly the poshest jive Strictly's ever seen - all charming nose-crinkles and limp wrists, as well as actual harp-ography. (HARPOGRAPHY!!!!) All verrr verrr jolly good, ya. Suddenly Anton's a contender... (Just don't tell my friend Ben, who has previously had Anton three times in the sweepstake.) 

Iwan & Ola's tango: Somehow this ended up being all about Iwan's bum, which can't have pleased Ola too much. Cue a Week 2 catsuit to restore the proper order of things. 

Jamelia & Tristan's waltz: Although it had its moments, an angelic and demure waltz was never really going to be Jamelia's forte, was it? She did well not to collapse in a heap of wee-inducing giggles though. In other news, Tristan wore some rather snug white trousers. (Oh did he, I barely noticed etc etc.)

Peter & Janette's cha cha: And the best ography of the night goes to ¡Janette! ¡Manrara! for her using-your-vertically-extended-leg-as-a-hat-stand-ography. As for Pandre, well he's clearly a ridiculous specimen, but I can't help liking him somehow. Maybe I should dabble in some ITV2 viewing after all. (I jest, of course! I'm no TV snob - au contraire, mes amis - but there are limits.)

And we're done for the first week! And yes, it's still 2015! No one gets the boot this week, so Lovely Carol and Lovely Pasha will have to wait another seven days before they lose to, ummmm, let's guess, Jeremy Vine and Karen in the dance off (I think Ola's popularity will save Iwan this time). Until then, keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep...

2015 - Week 1 - Friday

Strictly on from 9-10pm?!! Did they not read the memo about me having a new baby? That's well past my bedtime. But I made it to the end and here's a paired-down (yes really) blog to prove it...

Tessdressmess: Cut-out neckline inspired by Santa's elves, apparently. Not good. Hair still on point though. As for Claudiadressmess... 

Oh Claude: Look, she may not have quite finished getting dressed into that fairly (very) horrid eighties power suit-style monochrome number (we're not doing the bow up then, Claude?) and she may have upped the orange saturation on her fake tan another grade (it will soon be so orange only doggies can see it), but she's still that face emoji with the hearts for eyes. I LOVE HER.

Judge entrance dance-watch: Bar la Darce, they still can't really dance any more, can they? But I love that Bruno still went full Elton John video. I for one am delighted they kept this feature. Mainly to see how close to Darcey Len dares place his walnuts each week.

"Let's meet the stars of our show": Errrr, why has this has been changed to "our Strictly stars"?! I did not sign off on this. Unacceptable!

Kellie & Kevin's tango: I fear these two are going to be cheesier than the previously cheesiest thing ever, namely Alexander Rybak's Eurovision winner for Norway ("I'm in luuuuuurve with a fairytaaaaaale"/fiddle solo/etc). A Gorgonzola Austin Powers theme does not a passionate tango make, but mainly I was still reeling from the truly bonkers VT they made about Kellie's alter ego 'Mimi'. I can't even...

Anthony & Oti's jive: Sure, it was obvious that Oti had to choreograph around his injured shoulder and sure, it was unfortunate that that led to a somewhat wanky arm motion (that's wanky in the sense that... ok I'll stop it there), but he really tried, which was pleasing - no boxer 'tude at all. Other things of note: Oti is just too beautiful. No wonder Anthony's trousers split. 

Aljaž & Helen's waltz: Yes, it was a great waltzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Lovely Carol & Lovely Pasha's cha cha: Positives: 1. Carol looked amazing. 2. PASHA CAME DOWN FROM THE CEILING THRUSTING ON A CARDBOARD THUNDERCLAP. 3. There is no 3.

Daniel & Kristina's waltz: Is Daniel O'Donnell really an actual robot? I mean, we thought Tess was dead behind the eyes... Also Kristina's attempt to do demure for the tabloids has had an interesting start: nothing says sedate innocent waltz like Kristina in a sprayed on, glitter-encrusted, white, wet look PVC vest.

Anita & Gleb's cha cha: Just really good, so no comedy jibes I'm afraid. They could have made more of Gleb's waders in the VT though. Had that been Artem, he'd have instantly gone topless, AND worn them for the performance, so Gleb needs to work a little harder before he gets that particular mantle. 

Next time: the rest of them dance tonight - there are ten more couples, NINE MORE, DEAR GOD - so this will take decades. Anton's doing a jive by the way. I'll let you decide whether that's Must See or Perfect Wee Break. Til next time, keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep...

The Launch Show - 2015

So what awaits us this year? Well, we start in Pleasantville, all fifties pastels and a level of prudishness which does not allow newly married couple Karen and Kevin to live together, because Kevin apparently lives with Aljaž, Pasha and an ever-polished Glitterball. (I don't want to think about that fifty shades of fanfic.) Natbot is in charge of breakfast in the girls' house and takes the opportunity to throw a slice of toast into Joanne's mouth. Surely she can't be fed up of Jo's cartoon Northern ee-by-gumming. In this fictional Strictlysphere, Anton and Brendan also live together, Bert and Ernie-style - the grandes dames of the pro-dancers. It could be worse, James Jordan could also inhabit that house.

Then after some dancing in the street, to erm Dancing In The Street, it's all aboard the Hogwarts Express because nothing says glamour and sparkles like trainspotting. But it does throw up elements of hilarity when Darcey cameos as a Carry On trolley dolly and Anton wears what can only described as 'quite a shirt'. (By the way, I officially don't hate Anton anymore. It's now Brendan who is the object of my derision now. Got that? Ok? Great.) 

Eventually we're back on familiar red carpet territory, with the usual blend of grunting, over-excitement, waving and screaming from all involved - bar Daniel O'Donnell whose only setting seems to be calmly chatting and nodding his head like a thunderbird puppet. He is such a charisma vacuum that he's utterly compelling. Am looking forward to how that pans out on the dancefloor. 

Therein follows an hour of drawn out pairing that many of us looked up on the internet several days ago, which is only really saved by Jamelia openly proclaiming to Claude there were dancers she DEFINITELY didn't want (to hell with hypocritical politeness) and everyone going "ooooooh" in shocked voices - even Daniel, though about five seconds after everyone else, almost like he wasn't paying attention. 

Anyway, let's skirt over the depressing lack of Ivetamazing and take a look at our pairings. 

Chef Ainsley Harriott and Natalie Lowe:

Well good on her, for she beamed and squealed at yet another older gent partner: clearly Natbot has been entirely deprogrammed and has metamorphosed into human form - or the prod team know her competitiveness chip is too dangerous to be unleashed again, so will forever give her the non-ringah candidate.

Presenter Anita Rani and Gleb Savchenko:

Gleb, the Russian newbie, is so attractive he makes Aljaž look like... Oh don't be ridiculous, no-one is more attractive than Aljaž.  Anita has hardly been hit with the ugly stick, but I also sense an underlying competitive streak in her which the Great British public may not take to.

Boxer Anthony Ogogo and Otile Mabuse:

Oti, the South African newbie, is so attractive she makes Aljaž look like... (Oh don't be ridiculous, no-one is more attractive than etc etc...).  Anthony has bust his shoulder and is doing Strictly to pass the time whilst healing. Oti lurves being lifted. Erm. Does anyone else sense a dilemma?

Weather reporter Carol Kirkwood and Pasha Kovalev:

Lovely Carol and Lovely Pasha.  So lovely.  I want their VTs to be them doing lovely lovely things like petting kittens, knitting scarfs and eating high tea.  That or goth night/Horsemeat Disco. 

Singer Daniel O'Donnell and Kristina Rihanoff:

DoD's pairing with tabloid-designated MARRIAGE DESTROYER Kristina has the potential to be excellent.  People may scoff and interpret it as Kristina's 'punishment', and Mrs O'Donnell may be hurriedly checking her pre-nup, but let's not forget that Kristina made her mark on the show with one Mr John Sergeant and some incredible paso dragging.  If DoD's fans aren't too arthritic to use a telephone, these two could be with us for a few weeks.

Soap actress Georgia May Foote and Giovanni Pernice:

So far I have extremely limited interest in Georgia May and only mild interest in Giovanni (save his dramatic timing: "My weakness... The laydeez").  My main fear is a fauxmance - which I could not BEAR.  But if they crank up the comedy Italian angle to Vinthent-esque ham levels, and she obliviously ignores his advances à la Beige Rachel Stevens then I might get on board. 

Actress Helen George and Aljaž Skorjanec:

I somehow doubt Helen will provide Aljaž/Hammond levels of bantz, which is a loss to us all. She practiced midwifery acting with her small yappy dog and a sheet, which I can categorically tell you is not going to recreate how labour works. 

Athlete turned presenter Iwan Thomas and Ola Jordan:

Iwan is already trying to position himself as the resident pecs the ladies want to slowly undress - he seems to have forgotten Peter Andre has also been hired. I quite like Ola, but I still can't believe they wanted her back after the debacles known as 'The Jump' and 'Her Husband'.  Those calendar sales must be extraordinary.

Singer turned panelist Jamelia and Tristan MacManus:

Loose Woman may be an abomination of a TV show but Jamelia is already my favourite from the time she eschewed the polite little pop princess mould on Never Mind The Buzzcocks and went all out slagging on national TV.  Tristan looks yet to be convinced of her charms.

Popstar Jay McGuiness and Aliona Vilani:

Such awful hair - I speak of Jay, of course - though I'm not convinced by the shade of yolk Aliona is sporting.  It's an odd day when a guy looks better with a mun, but if the alternative is a poodle perm, I mean a moodle perm, then just no. 

Broadcaster Jeremy Vine and Karen Clifton:

Karen was clearly thinking: I did my time with Dave Myers and yet I've got another old one? Though her not-entirely-veiled disappointment has some way to go before it reaches full Aliona.

Presenter Katie Durham and Anton du Beke:

Anton looked astonished and genuinely over the moon with this, the poshest of totty.  Dear God, may wardrobe not give him too tight a pair of trousers. 

Actress Kellie Bright and Kevin Clifton:

A boring but solid pairing which I fear will provide little meat for the blogging community. (Which is the most important thing, right?)

Presenter Kirsty Gallagher and Brendan Cole:

Another beautiful sporty woman for Brendan to terrorise. 

Professional celebrity Peter Andre and Janette Manrara:

Yes, Peter and Ola would have been the tacky tabloid dream, but if there's one woman who will happily choreograph a truly insane salsa/samba/rumba/whateva to woah oh oh oh oh ohhhhh Mysterious Girl, it's our ¡Manrara!  So, on balance, hooray!

The fun starts up For Realz in a few weeks. Until then, keeeeeeeeeeeeeeep waiting. 

5 Thoughts - the Launch Show

Twitter I like - it has the right mix of love for/mocking of Strictly. With the SCD Digital Spy forums, however, I've a more nuanced relationship - I tend to keep them at a suspicious arm's length (essentially due to some posters' inability to detect irony/use any punctuation/hold back from spouting extreme sexism on the subject of extra-marital affairs. Yes, they exist on Twitter, but don't need to be followed. Twitter is a Strictly Ivory Tower, if you will...). 

But, come the Autumn, I nose around the forums nonetheless, like a judgemental bad smell, and there is currently a thread on there called '5 Thoughts - the Launch Show'. Now it might seem a stretch, but the thread involves posting your first five thoughts ("5 Thoughts") about the launch show ("the Launch Show"). 

Anyway, for reasons I've yet to establish, I can't post on the forum just now (probably banned due to extreme snobbery), so here are the five thoughts I lovingly wrote down but couldn't force on to the requisite part of the internet.

1. Jamelia and Claudia's interviews will be the stuff of legends. J bluntly telling Claude there were pros she didn't want (*cough*Anton*cough*) was my absolute highlight. 

2. That blue looked so good on La Daly that I couldn't actually Process/AssessTessDressMess.

3. In many ways, I'm not sure I see the point of the launch show if it doesn't provide us with Aliona's reaction of sulky fury when she gets the duffer. (Jay's hair tho...)

4. Daniel O'Donnell is even more like the Father Ted pastiche of him than the Father Ted pastiche of him is. Meta. I look forward to seeing whether this goes Sargeant or Calzaghe. Or Cohen!

5. I really really should know better, especially given the number of retweets that involve the incorrect spelling of 'you're', but am glued to James Jordan's Twitter like a motorway car crash.

Class of 2015

I had a baby boy this summer.  He is obviously the most marvellous thing that ever existed, but requires what some might say (not me, of course) is an inconvenient amount of care for this gambling enabler and part time amateur TV blogger during Strictly season.  So this year I'm dropping the gambling bit, and we’ll see how we get on with the blogging.  Apparently, it should neatly coincide with the four month sleep regression.  Hooray!  But I reckon I can throw down some thoughts, hastily grabbed during the moments that he does sleep (whenever that may be)...  

So first off – the Strictly class of 2015.  

Let's do diss!

We finally have our cast; the dribs and drabs announcement of middle-aged middle class 'naice' presenter after middle-aged middle class naice presenter - then BOOM! PETER ANDRE! - made it seem like it was going to be a terrible line-up, but now they’re all public and we've taken a step back, I think we’re ok.  I’m even ok with Pandre in there (I KNOW!  More on that later, viewers).  So who do we have?  Let’s copy the list off Wikipedia take a look.

Ainsley Harriott – TV chef

Oh Ainsley. What ‘fun’.  Mind you, who else do you remember from Ready Steady Cook?  I remember that odious Antony Worrall Andathirdname man, a Northern one with a tashe, the aerobics-loving female chef (a lady chef! Imagine!), Fern's former bodyweight - and good old Ainsley.  Chefs are a mixed bag (worth £5 or less, amiright) on this show, with the Karen Hardy Gary Rhodes bum bongos a memorable Strictly low – but I can see Ainsley going quite far.  I suspect he can shimmy.

Anita Rani – TV presenter

Smart, articulate, attractive, seemingly unbland – this bodes well, even though I realise I’ve been long since pairing her face with the voice of Radio 4’s Anita Anand. (And I did think that the Strictly producers were going for a erudite middle-class cast in a way that went even beyond the Bake Off model, but Anita Rani is One Show sanctioned, so we’re in comfortable populist territory.)

Anthony Ogogo – boxer

This was the first ‘thank Gawd there are some young fit male ones in there’ (and the last, actually, looking back at the list – that boybander is not a handsome dude).  Obviously boxers can’t dance, cough*Calzaghe*cough, but Anthony is very easy on the eye.  He’s been waaaaaaaaay too defensive about taking part though - screaming "IT'S CAUSE I AM INJURED NOT CAUSE I'M GAY OR NUFFINK" at every opportunity.  (I tried scrolling through his Twitter timeline to find the Tweets, but there was waaaay too much gunff about boxing in there, so you’ll just have to trust me.  This is the kind of shortcut you’ll have to expect now I’ve got a baby.  So yeah, blame the baby.)

Carol Kirkwood – weather presenter

Lovely lovely Carol off the weather.  So lovely.  And so doomed to be paired with Anton, right?

Daniel O’Donnell – singer

Ah go orrrrn.  Get ye to 4OD and watch that classic Father Ted episode.  

Indeed I live for a waltz to the Father Ted theme tune.

And for Aliona’s face if she gets him.  MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Especially as this one doesn’t live in Miami* and his legion of fans will keep him in week after week after week after oh God remember the Widdecombe years after week after week after noooo please nooooooo after etc etc.

*or does he?! *rushes to Wikipedia* Oh FFS: "The couple live in Meenbanad, County Donegal, and spend time at their second home in Tenerife”.  Translation: when it's raining in Ireland, Mr and Mrs O'Donnell are in bloody Spain.

Georgia May Foote – soap actress

The only Strictly reveal I actually caught live was Georgia May Foote on BBC Breakfast, which, given that I had never heard of her was... disappointing.  She seems sweet, whereby I probably mean ‘not that intelligent’.  (And she’s got to be stage school.)  But she'll be a lovely dancer, no doubt - I'd guess Pasha’s going to luck out again.  I love Pasha, but he responds to his immediate stimulus (oi oi Riley) and I’m not sure I can handle that much bland in my pre-dance VTs.

Helen George – actress

I hadn’t heard of her either and haven’t fancied dipping into Call The Midwife, what with having given birth three months ago.  She’s got peroxide hair, which seems edgy for a period drama. 

Iwan Thomas – athlete and presenter

Iwan’s the ultimate rent-a-sleb for me - surely he’s done it already?  In a display of blatant unfairness, I took against him several years back for wearing ripped jeans, a shiny waistcoat and a tie - I’ve yet to persuaded of the justification for matching ripped jeans with a tie.  But I’m going to be open-minded – go on Iwan, you yet might get my (free internet) vote.

Jamelia – pop star and TV panellist

I learned to love Jamelia when she went on Buzzcocks and was unexpectedly hilarious.  Watch her here.  She will be GOLD.

Jay McGuiness – pop star

Following the tried and tested rule that in every boyband, one of them is really ugly.  (Like, really ugly.)  That poodle hair is ridic - not even Aljaz has the face to pull that off.

Jeremy Vine – journalist and broadcaster

Newsnight and Eggheads – that’s not any old CV, eh?  I recently learned on Eggheads that CJ was approached by Morrissey in a hotel in Manchester ("Hi, I'm Steven") and they had a lovely chat during which CJ failed to clock who he was talking to.  So basically CJ out-ego-ed Morrissey, which is frankly AMAZING.

Katie Derham – classical music broadcaster

When you present the proms you have to be the ultimate in ‘gosh yes I'm posh jolly hockey sticks but I'm also awfully, and so very approachably, naice’.  So it's unfortunate that her Wikipedia picture looks like she’s about to honk some giant boobs.  Anyway, what Vine offers an older housewife, Katie offers their spouse.  I like her!

Kellie Bright – soap actress

Me Julie off Ali G!  As well as Sylvia Young alumni.  She’s only going to avoid the ringah label as she’s older than Georgia May Foote, and GMF “seems the type”. (Yes, meow.)

Kirsty Gallacher – sports presenter

Gosh, she’s pretty.  I wonder if the Sky Sports recruitment team noticed that?

Peter Andre – PANDRE.

So I was all set to LOATHE Pandre, what with his tacky inflated orangeness and his role, whether active or passive, in naming a child ‘Princess Tiaamii Crystal Esther’.  Then I heard from a trusted source that he was a genuinely nice person IRL and I read the following quote about his predictions for Strictly: "I’m gonna do a mysterious twirl to Mysterious Girl, with a mysterious girl, and I don’t straighten my hair so I’ve got a mysterious curl – I’ve got it."  So yeah, maybe he’s got it.