So what awaits us this year? Well, we start in Pleasantville, all fifties pastels and a level of prudishness which does not allow newly married couple Karen and Kevin to live together, because Kevin apparently lives with Aljaž, Pasha and an ever-polished Glitterball. (I don't want to think about that fifty shades of fanfic.) Natbot is in charge of breakfast in the girls' house and takes the opportunity to throw a slice of toast into Joanne's mouth. Surely she can't be fed up of Jo's cartoon Northern ee-by-gumming. In this fictional Strictlysphere, Anton and Brendan also live together, Bert and Ernie-style - the grandes dames of the pro-dancers. It could be worse, James Jordan could also inhabit that house.
Then after some dancing in the street, to erm Dancing In The Street, it's all aboard the Hogwarts Express because nothing says glamour and sparkles like trainspotting. But it does throw up elements of hilarity when Darcey cameos as a Carry On trolley dolly and Anton wears what can only described as 'quite a shirt'. (By the way, I officially don't hate Anton anymore. It's now Brendan who is the object of my derision now. Got that? Ok? Great.)
Eventually we're back on familiar red carpet territory, with the usual blend of grunting, over-excitement, waving and screaming from all involved - bar Daniel O'Donnell whose only setting seems to be calmly chatting and nodding his head like a thunderbird puppet. He is such a charisma vacuum that he's utterly compelling. Am looking forward to how that pans out on the dancefloor.
Therein follows an hour of drawn out pairing that many of us looked up on the internet several days ago, which is only really saved by Jamelia openly proclaiming to Claude there were dancers she DEFINITELY didn't want (to hell with hypocritical politeness) and everyone going "ooooooh" in shocked voices - even Daniel, though about five seconds after everyone else, almost like he wasn't paying attention.
Anyway, let's skirt over the depressing lack of Ivetamazing and take a look at our pairings.
Chef Ainsley Harriott and Natalie Lowe:
Well good on her, for she beamed and squealed at yet another older gent partner: clearly Natbot has been entirely deprogrammed and has metamorphosed into human form - or the prod team know her competitiveness chip is too dangerous to be unleashed again, so will forever give her the non-ringah candidate.
Presenter Anita Rani and Gleb Savchenko:
Gleb, the Russian newbie, is so attractive he makes Aljaž look like... Oh don't be ridiculous, no-one is more attractive than Aljaž. Anita has hardly been hit with the ugly stick, but I also sense an underlying competitive streak in her which the Great British public may not take to.
Boxer Anthony Ogogo and Otile Mabuse:
Oti, the South African newbie, is so attractive she makes Aljaž look like... (Oh don't be ridiculous, no-one is more attractive than etc etc...). Anthony has bust his shoulder and is doing Strictly to pass the time whilst healing. Oti lurves being lifted. Erm. Does anyone else sense a dilemma?
Weather reporter Carol Kirkwood and Pasha Kovalev:
Lovely Carol and Lovely Pasha. So lovely. I want their VTs to be them doing lovely lovely things like petting kittens, knitting scarfs and eating high tea. That or goth night/Horsemeat Disco.
Singer Daniel O'Donnell and Kristina Rihanoff:
DoD's pairing with tabloid-designated MARRIAGE DESTROYER Kristina has the potential to be excellent. People may scoff and interpret it as Kristina's 'punishment', and Mrs O'Donnell may be hurriedly checking her pre-nup, but let's not forget that Kristina made her mark on the show with one Mr John Sergeant and some incredible paso dragging. If DoD's fans aren't too arthritic to use a telephone, these two could be with us for a few weeks.
Soap actress Georgia May Foote and Giovanni Pernice:
So far I have extremely limited interest in Georgia May and only mild interest in Giovanni (save his dramatic timing: "My weakness... The laydeez"). My main fear is a fauxmance - which I could not BEAR. But if they crank up the comedy Italian angle to Vinthent-esque ham levels, and she obliviously ignores his advances à la Beige Rachel Stevens then I might get on board.
Actress Helen George and Aljaž Skorjanec:
I somehow doubt Helen will provide Aljaž/Hammond levels of bantz, which is a loss to us all. She practiced midwifery acting with her small yappy dog and a sheet, which I can categorically tell you is not going to recreate how labour works.
Athlete turned presenter Iwan Thomas and Ola Jordan:
Iwan is already trying to position himself as the resident pecs the ladies want to slowly undress - he seems to have forgotten Peter Andre has also been hired. I quite like Ola, but I still can't believe they wanted her back after the debacles known as 'The Jump' and 'Her Husband'. Those calendar sales must be extraordinary.
Singer turned panelist Jamelia and Tristan MacManus:
Loose Woman may be an abomination of a TV show but Jamelia is already my favourite from the time she eschewed the polite little pop princess mould on Never Mind The Buzzcocks and went all out slagging on national TV. Tristan looks yet to be convinced of her charms.
Popstar Jay McGuiness and Aliona Vilani:
Such awful hair - I speak of Jay, of course - though I'm not convinced by the shade of yolk Aliona is sporting. It's an odd day when a guy looks better with a mun, but if the alternative is a poodle perm, I mean a moodle perm, then just no.
Broadcaster Jeremy Vine and Karen Clifton:
Karen was clearly thinking: I did my time with Dave Myers and yet I've got another old one? Though her not-entirely-veiled disappointment has some way to go before it reaches full Aliona.
Presenter Katie Durham and Anton du Beke:
Anton looked astonished and genuinely over the moon with this, the poshest of totty. Dear God, may wardrobe not give him too tight a pair of trousers.
Actress Kellie Bright and Kevin Clifton:
A boring but solid pairing which I fear will provide little meat for the blogging community. (Which is the most important thing, right?)
Presenter Kirsty Gallagher and Brendan Cole:
Another beautiful sporty woman for Brendan to terrorise.
Professional celebrity Peter Andre and Janette Manrara:
Yes, Peter and Ola would have been the tacky tabloid dream, but if there's one woman who will happily choreograph a truly insane salsa/samba/rumba/whateva to woah oh oh oh oh ohhhhh Mysterious Girl, it's our ¡Manrara! So, on balance, hooray!
The fun starts up For Realz in a few weeks. Until then, keeeeeeeeeeeeeeep waiting.
No comments:
Post a Comment