Series 12 - Week 10 - Around The World

So that's precisely no-one surprised to see Sunetra go this week, but it's worth remembering that she's been a rather lovely contestant and she left a) looking proper gorgeous and b) having performed a rumba which didn't leave me cowering behind the sofa, dying of cringe (although it took a lot of energy to ignore Brendan in Anton's cream trews).  

As for the straw she drew on the Around The World theme (and more on that general 'issue' later - soooooo much more), I was slightly dubious about the Brazilian context - though I suppose the rumba is the dance most likely to flash a vajazzle. But rumba in Ipanema actually worked, more or less. Sunetra sashayed her way across the beach, more interested in her next caipirinha than vertically expressing the horizontal act of love with Brendan or the other nondescript backing dancers.  She knew it was her time, but she styled it out anyway. She's been a delight throughout. 

It's Louise who leaves the sweepstake. And from now on in, it's anyone's £14. 

I suspect Mark ended up in the dance-off for a couple of reasons. Firstly, there seemed to be a common consensus that Jake was royally stitched up by his Greek-Argentine Tango combo, so he benefited from a high number of sympathy votes. Secondly, Mark's salsa was under-rehearsed meh. I quite enjoyed some of the throwing around of Karen, but the rest was essentially Towie standing about a bit, then having a lady in a feather headdress rip his shirt open. All very Week 2 - though at least the Las Vegas theme wasn't a million miles from the natural salsa dance style. 

Because - and let's just dive straight in and sod the dance 'critique'! - that's the hulking great slightly xenophobic elephant in the room, isn't it?  What the blimmin' 'eck was that theme about?

Ah, you're doing a Viennese Waltz, Pixie? Well, we're going to set it in Holland. Why? Well we've thought of a song that has Amsterdam in the title, so here's some lederhosen for Trent, cause the Dutch and Germans and Austrians are basically the same, give or take a border and phlegminess of accent. 

I suppose the Dutch are a bit more 'relaxshhed', so perhaps that's the explanation behind Trent's sinister Adult Pinocchio outfit and the inclusion of the Single Ladies dance by men in Bermuda shorts.  Pixie was fantastic, but, for me, the whole thing was ruined by all that weird intoxicated boyz night out 'jokey' street harassment crapola.  We'd have been fine with the few tulips at the start and that windmill, but sadly we had to suffer hammy Dutch panto as well.  Which was awful. 

Don't get me wrong, even I can get on board with a bit of theme these days (Halloween will forever be responsible for having Morticia dell'Olio emerge from a coffin with a champagne glass in hand, so TICK), but this one was... well it was all over the place (NO PUN ETC).

Dodgy foreign stereotypes aside ("at least Anton's not in it anymore" said Mr Cad on the subject of risk assessment), it would have worked a bloody treat if we'd had culturally and geographically accurate theming: a Viennese Waltz in, ooooh let's say, Vienna?  An American Smooth in, ooooh I don't know, America?  And where might we set an Argentine tango, I wonder?  (Clue: not Greece).  We're forever being told about Len's pampas fantasies and his visions of getting the party started in the favela - this was a real chance to get some public service and informative dance history in.  Boooo that they didn't. 

And it's not like I can't see the potential for some bizarre fusion - incongruous country/style fusions could (certainly technically) work and lead to some really exciting choreography.  Remember Denise van Outen's Egyptian charleston?  That worked a treat a few years back. As, indeed, did Caroline's Turkish/generic Middle Eastern souk charleston.  In a sea of shoddy oddness (shoddness), Caroline came through. She was lucky with her combo, yes, but her dancing was also great and she absolutely held her own against the backing pros - though the finest performance was from Pasha's unruly fez.

The problem was that we didn't get the full culture clash from every couple, so it felt like an un-level playing field.  It also stank of the producers not being arsed and failing to be truly imaginative about their theming. 

"Right then. Where shall we send Frankie?"

"Well Surfing USA's got a country in the title and you can do a hot mess jive to it in tacky acrylic hair extensions."

"Great. We need a spangly boob tube, porny high heels and two surfboards.  OK, NEXT!"

"Um, sorry to interrupt, but we've already got the US.  Mark and Karen are in Vegas."

"Oh have we?" Momentary pause. "Ah sod it, Hawaii's not really America, even if the song is Surfing USA.  Right then, what other songs have places in the title?  Time is money people. Come on!  Girl From Ipanema.  Ok.  Well, Sunetra's done a samba already, so, errr, rumba it is.  NEXT!"

I think that's what pissed me off - creative laziness and inconsistency.  Some of the themes were very close to the original dance style - Simon's successful Austrian (not Viennese, no no) waltz was a case in point.  The theming was limited to a fancy suit'n'sash and the familar tones of Edelweiss - which we've seen before, so it was nothing earth-shattering or original.  But, as the closest thing to trad staging, the audience felt reassured and satisfied.  Ergo waltz success.

However, at the other end of the scale: Jake's Greekentine tango.  It was such a bizarre mix that the audience felt like he'd been dealt a raw hand (and lo, the sympathy votes were administered, saving him from the DO).  It would have been ok if everyone had had a totally absurd mix of dance style and country styling, but it felt a little like Jake was the only one dealing with the ridiculous - so the sublime was out the window.

I actually maintain an Argentine Tango to Zorba The Greek could have been quirky and brilliant.  Trouble was, it bombed, and it's then hard to unpick the performance from the theme.  For me, the theme wasn't the full problem - it was also that Jake wasn't on form and the choreography wasn't great.  We could probably have still have had some OPA! shouts and plate smashes, but it needed more ganchos and flicky leg work - it was a bit too lifty and not sufficiently leg caressy.  Inded, with a bit of tweaking, it could have made a rather appealing Greek paso doble - am thinking a variation on the Austin Healey number.  Just me then?  Ah well.

Also, no dance with a Greek theme is ever going to live up to this Eurovision performance.

One last thing to note - that backing dancer totally screwed Jake over.  I'm not even going to bore on about that, or their unnecessary general use (bar the revelation that one of them was Trent's wife - yes, Trent has a wife), but please don't bother with professional extras who can't avoid crashing into the amateur on stage.

So where was I?  TBH, I think I've covered everyone at some point through the rant, so I suggest we try and forget about this week, bar Caroline, maybe Simon, and move on.  Even the Bollywood opener was pretty car crash, in spite of the sheeny man-jeans.  As for Riverdance-lite...  No green silk billowing shirt and small man egomania?  No good.  Well, not AS good, anyway.  And with lady-hair that big and lady-bodies that small, it was like a line-up of lollipops with flailing legs.

Let's just swing by dressmess, where once again it's Darcey pipping Tess to the crown.  Her bejewelled school marm collar looked like one of those acrylic nail colour samples - and little says 'unappealing' like nails removed from fingers and stuck on a card, even if there is an array of exciting colours on show.

So there we are. I think we're now themed out for 2014, so thumbs up to that. But the ratings for the Round The World omnishambles were way high, so themes are clearly here to stay, regardless of the impact.  Core Strictly fans seem to be getting pretty peeved at the current direction and I'm inclined to agree with them.  And whilst this has probably been the strongest year for dance talent, I'm not really engaged with any of this year's slebs - bar Jake perhaps, and I get that he could justifiably be seen as a one trick Latin hips pony.  OBVIOUSLY I won't stop watching - it's Strictly and I love it!  And there's £14 riding on this!  

So I'm genuinely curious as to who will go next week.  Mark seems vulnerable, but if he gets a good dance and some rehearsal time, as well as some post Dance Off bounce vote, he'll might well be fine.  So that leaves... I don't know, Simon more vulnerable?  Jake?  But Jake has the hips and Simon seems like he might be on A Journey, and we know how potent that can be...  With the riders this close, a lot will rest on the waltzathon. Yes, you heard me correctly.  Like dodgems, only with waltzing instead.  With six points to the winner, it could count for a lot.  So keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep  two-three, one-two-three.