Series 12 - Week 12 - Semi-final

So it's somehow got to Final Day, and no semi-final blog - well until now!  But better/late/never/etc, so here's a foray through last weekend's semi-final.  REMEMBER IT?  We might be mostly over it now, but it was still a bit of a shocker to see Jake go.  Although he was bottom of the semi-final leaderboard, he seemed invincibly popular and would probably have stormed the final by recreating *that* salsa and... well, just IMAGINE the ¡Manrara! show dance.

But maybe it shouldn't be such a surprise - lovely Janette's been criticised on the forums (that bleak and dangerous place) for relying on performance and not teaching technique (during the five minutes of training they have when he's not filming Eastenders).  And truth or not, I couldn't get as excited as I'd have liked about his cha cha cha - the glittershoefaffography at the start was a bit week one and the hip action looked a bit dad rather than salsamazeballs.  His ballroom foray didn't light things on fire either, but I'd blame the fact it was a Viennese waltz (spin spin snooze snooze) for that, rather than anything Jake did.

Sorry Katie, that you came so close to the £14 sweepstake pot. Maybe next year, eh?

So Mark Towie made it then.  'On paper', I would have casually booted him out, with his "I'm Marky No Moves", "did you know I ain't never danced before", "the dark horse, moi?" *rolls eyes at the continuously implied JOURNEY monologues*.  But when it actually came to the dance performances, well, I became a little softer of heart than I thought I would.  It's not that I LOVED his performances, but more that they were stronger than I was expecting - a powerful Strictly tool.

The Viennese waltz to I Got You Babe (not enough Essex on the "babe", Dave Arch) was perhaps a bit too laden with gorgonzola, but Mark's a seasoned TV cheesemonger, so he sold it well enough, and the barefoot rumba was (by virtue of not being a rumba at all, but a wafty pseudo-contemporary number) kind of bearable - which is high praise, as you know.  Also Karen's rumba 'dress' was a bum-hugging swimming costume with chiffon overlay and shiny Lycra ass flash, so my eyes weren't always on Mark.

Hauer's bod of steel might be able to cope with that shiny stretchy material (think skintight shell suit), but it's less flattering to mortals; even gorgeous mortals who've been training solidly for a few months - by which I mean that I did not care for Caroline's foxtrot dress. The fringy skirt - YES.  Lovely.  Big time.  But not the hip bit, which gave her gravy lumps she does not have.

As for her dance, it was barely recognisable as a foxtrot (EMOTE EMOOOOOOTE) and, in and of itself, wasn't perhaps that special.  However, it also came at the end of a really quite weak first half, so I suspect that allowed it an impact than it might've not elsewhere.

Her 40! salsa was truly aces though, if excessively pink (even Pasha struggles with that shade).  And good old Craig, downplaying his critique ("I thought it was very good"), then whipping out his 10 paddle.  That's seasoned dramz for ya. Darcey's OMG face was a picture.

So yes, that first half then.  It was just a bit tepid and disappointing somehow.  I suppose the stress, time pressures and double dancing just got to them.

Prime example: Simon's animal print samba ("I like to [pause] MOVE IT!").  It was on course to work til he botched a botafogo (it's entirely possibly it was a whole other move and I've completely made elements of that word up) and they went a bit wrong. Still, you can't fault Kristina's desire to give EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME, EVEN IN A BOTCHED SAMBA, and, moreover, the poo slacks were back, and never have they been so curvaceously and bodytoobootyliciously filled by a Strictly man.

Frankie didn't go obviously wrong in her opening balletic rumba, but it felt quite tepid and timid to me.  Also (importantly) Kevin's soldier hat was not working for me on a dress-up fetish level AT ALL.  I'm not saying that I wanted wholesome Kev to raunch it up with a uniform special (I actually think it's the combo of Susanna Reid and his seldom seen glasses which give him any spexy power), but I do enjoy a sultry comedy dance role play and this was far too earnest and chocolate box.

Both Simon and Frankie enjoyed a stronger second half though - which was probably what saw them (well Simon at least) directly through. The My Guy foxtrot was nearly as fromagerie as Mark's V-waltz, but it was good to see my sweepstake bod dance well, manage his choreography and looked chuffed with it.  Simon doesn't seem to have the popularity of the others, but I like him (and I don't *think* it's just because of the money on my mind).

And then there was Frankie's Argentine Tango.  I was all set to pooh-pooh and eye roll it - you know, cause of her sickled-y foot and cause of Kevin's saccharine approach and cause of the weirdness of using Beethoven (the music, not the dog).  But I'm having to eat the pooh-pooh (urgh), as it was fantastic.  Argentine Tangos are always my fave, but that means I get crabby if they're a bit flobbery and not sexysharp enough.  This one worked - though admittedly my eyes were on Frankie's slick short hair and not Kevin's James From The Apprentice-style bouffe.

As for the rest, my own personal highlight was DJ Bruno in headphones and silver bomber jacket unzipped to the chest wig, gyrating behind the decks like the I'm Still Standing video wasn't 30 odd years ago.  It made me joyfully chuckle throughout the whole disco showcase, whilst Natbot dazzled in spray-on car paint disco-jeggings and Aliona got repeatedly rejected - until Louis Smith chivalrously arrived to trail the Christmas special. Poor Aliona - choreographed humiliation on Sunday, and the weirdest monoboob inducing Lycra chiffon-look top in the Clauditorium on the Saturday.  At least she has the consolation of bring reunited with Gregg Wallace's sweaty palms during the Final, eh?

Let's briefly gloss through Paloma Faith's 'interesting' performance - I think she's aces hilarious, but wasn't entirely sure about her band's arrangement, though Aljaž and Janette - the Jay-Z and Beyonce of the pro dance world - were on hand to supportively throw and bend, artistically of course.

As for Dressmess, there wasn't really much to report on Tess/Darcey/Claude fashion - as it was all about Craig's facial hair.  Well I say 'hair', as I'm not sure it wasn't a goatee line he'd drawn on himself with a ruler and an eyebrow pencil.  Hard to say.  It's for panto apparently (cue oh no it etc etc gag).

So what about this final then?!  From what I can tell, they all do a judge's choice dance (under wraps til the show) and their show dance (I predict the usual WTF disappointment), then someone is ceremonially booted out, before the last three finish with their favourite dance of the series.  The bookies say Caroline is on course to win, which would be fine enough by me - though my (financial) preference has to be Simon.  The rumour is that Frankie's been stitched up by the judges choosing her samba and Mark...  I really can't see it happening somehow, can you?  It's been a funny old series for me, but I'm sure the excitement levels will be high come showtime.  There's a group dance featuring Judy and Scott, for gawd's sake!  Anyway, good luck everyone - and keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep looking out for The Crab.