Series 9 - The Final

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Series 9 - Semi Final

WHAT A BLINDER!!!! Ye Gods – what a show!  And, for me, the right result for the final.  Alex’s departure at this stage was inevitable, of course – a forgone conclusion up against the four gladiators.  Even the judges hinted at it with their constant mantra of "You deserve to be in the semi-final, Alex" and its a blearing subtext: "You ain't gonna make the final, Alex.  I suppose we should commend Tess for resisting actually saying it out loud to Alex's face, as is her usual wont.

Still Alex was popular and in amongst another set of celebs, it's possible (well, not impossible) that she might have had a chance of making it - say, if there had been a less likeable and better dancer on the scene (*coughRickyNipplecough*).  But this series the audience doesn’t seem to have felt any obvious mass antagonism towards a particular member of the final five, and so it was dance ability that was genuinely being tested this time.  Because of that, I’d love to say that Alex went out on a total dance high, but I’m not sure she quite managed to pull out her finest performances - she looked a bit nervous and stiff during her waltz, although I imagine she was grateful that they at least cut her dress so that the puffy ballroom skirt was well off the floor and avoided heel catch danger. 

As for that salsa....  Um.  Er.  Ahem.  Well, I think I’ll first gloss over the random broom and sweeping at the start, in the same way that I attempted to ignore that eerie cheerleader James doll a few weeks back.  (Please stop being weird and experimental, James Jordan – no-one wants a repeat of Aliona’s wellies’n’birdwatching cha cha dud)  Though I will say this on the outfit: if you're opting for what looks like a flasher's mac, it's probably best to avoid a massive pink feather clump poking through the front slit (exactly level with one's lady area) and a fart-like clump of pink feathers peaking out the back.  Once her dress was revealed in full, I was rather taken with it (a bejewelled bodice and Nancy’s reincarnated boa hemming a flared skirt, what’s not to like?), but the salsa itself was less impressive, sadly.  It wasn't all bad - it was fun and fearless, as well as messy and erratic; think wedding disco at 3am.  And who doesn't love a wedding disco at 3am?  Indeed, it’s one of the few other occasions where you might be fortunate enough to hear to some Gloria Estefan (full name Gloria Maria Milagrosa Fajoardo Garcia de Estefan.  HELL YES - and let's not forget The Miami Sound Machine).  J-Lo ain't NOTHING on G-Fan.  

*interlude whilst Strictlycad scuttles off to listen to Dr Beat*

But not even Gloria could help her in the end - bye bye Alex.  Your departure has reduced my household’s sweepstake chances by 50%, but you were clearly the Most Improved Celeb and I’ve also been delighted to discover that you’re not the vapid dimwit I first thought (shame on me), but are a quirky, funny, adorable, lovely weirdo.  Well done.

Although Alex was always going to be out at this stage, after last week, and the Valance paso, I couldn't have called it between Holly and Jason.  After this week's Saturday show, however, and *that* Argentine Tango (more on that later, don’t you worry), I did think J-Don'd edge it.  Still, I didn’t discount Holly (and Justine's £1) until the votes were announced – that paso remains amazing, and any initial anti-pretty envy from a largely female audience dimmed rather quickly when she turned out to be nothing like the pop starlet cliché we might have imagined, but rather smart, cool and understated.

Mind you, not everyone got over their bitter seething jealousy of La Valance – never have I seen wardrobe devote such a consistent array of VILE to just one person.  And she just took it!  What a heroine! This week, against the odds, Holly coped admirably with that ‘challenging’ Spanx-less neon-scarlet lycra Argentine Tango dress, and didn't do a bad job of the dance, even though she looked a little like she'd rather stay sitting on that bar stool, with a cosmo in hand, than actually carry on tango-ing.  

However, nothing, but NOTHING, could have prepared me for Outfit # 2: those truly heinous high-waisted Charleston shorts. BEYOND HORRIBLE!!!!  JUST... WHY?!!  I could barely watch Holly's performance, as the cut of those shorts upset me so much.  Truly, they were worst thing I have ever seen on Strictly.  And that includes ALL of TessDressMess, the Gary Rhodes/Karen Hardy bum bongo, Ann Widdecombe and her discernable love for Anton, Erin's Fraggle Rock tango outfit, and Bruce.

If it hadn't been for those perplexing shorts of hideousness (which I’m sure explained why she didn’t really look as though she knew what she was doing), I think I'd probably have really enjoyed their modern charleston.  But as it was, my favourite bit was the end, when the shorts were safely hidden behind the decks and Artem couldn't get his headphones on.  Most chucklesome.

Also chucklesome – Donovan’s chest hair encased in salmon satin lycra and sequinned go faster flames; how very Pimp My Shirt.  I could not for the life of me spot his timing error (but if all four judges did, then I suppose I must concede that he was a little off), perhaps as I was too busy being impressed by the fact that I was watching a male middle-aged samba that DID NOT MAKE ME CRINGE!!!  Most incredible. 

Also incredible – Kristina: sporting big white disco hair, with a jewel-encrusted disco bra and giant pink disco frill, held together by hope, prayer and three strips of sequined knicker elastic.

And then... *deep breath* ...there was their Argentine Tango.

Which was, well... quite something, don’t you think?

Yes, me too...

You know, I've always found it a little odd that Alesha didn't show any outward signs of fancying Jason - even though she is the EXACT age to have experienced the same Scott Robinson twinges the rest of us did.  However, his Argentine Tango finally jogged her memory, and she twinged with the rest of us.  What a fantastic performance – building, brooding, tense, powerful, passionate, beautifully danced, beautifully choreographed, beautifully everything.  And what a way to deal with the last dance saloon!   If it had been directly up against Holly’s paso, then there might have been more of a fight, but as it was, I think there’d have been outrage if J-Don hadn’t made it through.  It was the dance of the series so far – and arguably, contraversially, up there with the Karen/Ramps Goldeneye AT.

Question: which outfit was more naked?  Kristina’s lace tango leotard or Aliona’s sailor bikini?  Either way, dads rejoice.  And was anyone even looking at Harry in his shiny navy outfit?  (YES, chorus Britain’s gays and gals.)  I did think Harry looked more like a pilot than a naval officer, but am sure the population of uniformdating.com were delighted either way.

There is no doubt that Harry is a truly excellent dancer (“drummer in 'has rhythm' shocker!”), but (don’t hate me) I wasn't entirely charmed by his charleston...  In a way, the charleston is a dance where being too able can sort of count against you - if you look too polished and taut (and if there's two words to describe Harry and Aliona...), then the jelly-legged quirk'n'gurn doesn't always shine through and it doesn’t feel so charleston-y.  (An exception would probably be Ali Bastian and her dislocated rubber-limbed, high kicks cracker.)  The charleston is a PERSONALITY! dance, and as sweetly charming as Harry is, he's not quite got the cheekiness of someone like Chris Hollins (BTW that's your cue to take another look at Cola's charleston - just wonderful) and for me Harry was too precise - though I loved the swing jazz bits where he threw Aliona around, and there's no doubt that he's the main contender to win.  His ballroom talent was clearly on show throughout his Viennese waltz, where he was essentially robbed of a 40, because Craig said one of his eyelashes was curled in a slightly wonky direction or something.  

But DEAR GOD!  I do find waltzes (Viennese or other) boring.  Even Aliona's gorgeous mint dress didn't hold my attention for long.

I quite liked Chelsee American Smooth dress too - wardrobe seem to be improving on bosom scaffolding, with the supportive sky blue gauze and sequined bra straps working a treat.  Although I thought Chelsee looked nervous and she had a wee wobble on that “splitty thing” (to quote Len) it was still a lovely performance - well done Chelsehhh!  (Mind you, it’s not the best dance I’ve ever seen to Time After Time – that honour is reserved for Romy, Michele and Sandy Frink (don't miss the amazing lift at 1.18).

As for her Pasha doble, I was with the judges - brilliant stuff!  And although the Twittersphere didn't much like Chelsee's paso, I bloody did – very exciting to watch and yay for our first 40!  Her dress was less of a triumph; all that criss cross detail on the dress just made me think of boxing gloves and wrestling boots – hardly the way to conjure up the bull fight and Latin ardour.

Although Chelsee’s sometimes struggled to portray some emotional states required by her dance (her failure to successfully pretend to fancy Pasha will forever remain a mystery), she showed genuinely excellent acting chops as a Groucho Marx handyman in her VT: ““Maintenance, come to check your lights, mate.”  HOW I LAUGHED!  Truly!   Although the VTs have been (fairly) slated, for being a cheesy, embarrassing, cringeworthy waste of time, I have to say there have been one or two GEMS which have tipped the balance for me.  Besides, let's look on the positive - that terrible Famous Five one had a real practical benefit: I fancied some halloumi and I have ample time to slice and fry it without missing anything of note.  It was delicious, thanks for asking.

Less delicious... oh indeed – TessDressMess time.  So having discovered the concept of bras that can happily wrangle one's breasts towards Pert City and don't let them hang south towards Midriff Village, Tess has clearly decided to start experimenting with her bra purchases - Holy Push-Up, Batman!  Corsetry in action.  From neck to mid thigh, Saturday's dress was fine, if booby, but of course, fine isn't good enough for Tess – not when awful is available!  And lo, she decided to hang a chiffon curtain around her waist. Mini skirt + see-through full length overskirt = just no.  That look (essentially a variation on the mullet dress) is as incomprehensible to me as jumpsuits; it looks awful and yet all the kids are doing it.  Seriously Tess, why not rip that chiffon off and just get your super lengthy, toned leggies out?  Is it cause you couldn't be arsed to shave?  If so, that's fine – may I suggest tights?

In fact, it was all a bit déjà vu on Sunday; the top looked fine (a million red sequins - very Strictly, very festive) and then the camera panned down and woah! a blood sequin flared maxi dress.  ARGH!  TOO MUCH!  A neat slice at the knee – that's all I ask, Tess!  (It’s too much to ask though, clearly.)

And then, well that was pretty much that – apart from a porny showdance and a chiffon-based variation on the maypole.  Oh and Natalie and Brendan trying SO HARD to be the best that I was convinced throughout that we’d see a chronic groin strain happen live on the telly.  But they seemed to make it through unscathed - unlike the rest of us.  Sometimes less is more, people.

Next week – THE FINAL!  Please add “excruciating ‘comedy’ VT of the coach trip up to Blackpool” to your bingo cards, cause YOU KNOW it’s gonna happen.  Oh, and you might also want to mentally prepare yourselves for the rejects’ group dance and the return of Dell’Olio.  And then, let the final three and their Russian pros fight it out.  Who will win?  Obviously I'm contractually obliged to support my sweepstake horse Jason (££).  But although I think Harry will edge it with the voting audience, my heart belongs to Chelsee. Healey for the win!

Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep voting!

Series 9 - Week 10

It’s getting tough now right?  That emotional time when we have to say goodbye to some seriously popular couples.  And so, we bid farewell to Robbie and Ola – the dads of Britain sigh, and wonder how they’ll make it to Christmas without the comforting thought that at least she might be wearing her catsuit this week... 

I’m sad to see them go - I have to admit that the Robbie Savage reinvention PR exercise completely won me over.   I realise that football fans may well beg to differ, based on years and years of seeing Robbie (so I’m told) behave like an oafish, arrogant, aggressive, not-even-that-good, childish $&%£#^$ on the pitch (which makes him different to most other players how, I wonder?), but for Strictly fans he will be the enthusiastic, courteous, pretty charming family guy, who always put the effort into learning the dances and performing them with gusto, and who certainly progressed beyond his initial portrayal as the New Gavin Henson – sportsman, Welsh, vain and obsessed with his own hair.  Yes, Robbie was a little tits and teeth, and was certainly proud of his gleaming blond locks (possibly not 100% natural), but was able (or at least willing) to have his barnet mocked on a regular basis – getting it styled into a beehive on It Takes Two or, this week, having a hair tool stand-off with Ola, in what has to be my all-time favourite pre-dance VT – the Tarantino meets Hairspray spoof.  Highly aces.  (And, moreover, seeing as so much Tarantino is a tribute to/pastiche of other films and film genres, there’s some serious inter-textuality going on there – funny AND intellectual. Well, that’s Strictly for you.)

As for the Reservoir Dogs Quickstep - a concept I loved, if lacking in gratuitous cartoon violence - well, I’m not even sure it was the weakest dance (I found Alex disappointing and over-marked, but more on that later, viewers).  However, Robbie was, for me, the weakest dancer left, so I think it was right for him to leave on Sunday. Sorry Beth, that £14 sweepstake pot must feel so near, but yet so far – though you won’t be surprised by Robbie’s not-so-savage exit.  (But please come back next year – surely they won’t be able to find a third hair-obsessed, vain, Welsh sportsman to take part?!)

Let’s just hope that it wasn’t down to lack of flesh, because I thought Ola looked completely incredible in that suit.  Unsurprisingly though, Sir Bruce Pervesythe commented no less than twice that Ola was overdressed and needed to get naked again next week (well, he didn’t actually say the second bit, but he was obviously thinking it).  We get it Bruce, you want to see lady flesh.  Well, I want to see Robin flesh, but sometimes Strictly, just like life, isn’t forthcoming, OK?  Let’s let Ola have a week where she can forgo her waxing appointment, eh?  That doesn’t seem too much to cope with.

However, something I DID have trouble coping with – my sweepstakee Jason Donovan in the Bottom Two!  (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!etc).  Are you SERIOUS, the Great British Public?!!! Kristina and Jason were BLOODY AWESOME this week!!!!  Bias aside, I (for one – huh!) really enjoyed their Singing In The Rain American Smooth – it was charming and sweet and well-danced and – most amazingly of all - Jason didn’t make any obvious mistakes!  I’ll concede that it might not have been the best dance of the night, but it was still fantastic, and I’m a bit peeved that Alesha, who is hardly restrained when it comes to high paddle action, couldn’t get her ten out for that.

Anyway, Jason’s Bottom Two clearly proves that opening an umbrella indoors is unlucky.  (Though I can’t say I’ve noticed Rihanna’s career suffering - apart from the minor embarrassment of getting publically told off by a Northern Irish farmer for stripping in his field, I suppose.)  It's an interesting one - J-Don is probably the most famous one left, but at this stage, that matters less.  I think the main problem is that Jason is a little too, well... intense, and I suspect that the women-of-a-certain-age who had such warm memories of his Neighbours mullet and Especially-For-You Kylie days are finding that intensity, well... confusing.  Jason is, let’s face it, a teeny bit weird.  OBVIOUSLY, I’m backing my sweepstake ALL THE WAY, but maybe we have could one or two fewer quotes from the Donovan Book of Self Help Cliché Nonsense.  (If I wanted Bog Standard Common Sense disguised as Deep Philosophical Metaphorical Intellectual Meditation I’d read some Paulo Coelho.)

However, let us (well, me) rejoice that Jason made it though.  Tess seemed particularly pleased – as Isabelle noticed, she said she wanted Jason to get a semi.  (Err, you mean, to get TO the semi, no, Tess?)  Women of a certain age...

So, Confession Time (no no NO, nothing to do with Jason and semis): I have no patience and every week I look at the Strictly spoiler on Digital Spy, as I can't possibly wait a second longer than necessary to know whether my pound is still safe.  (NB: I would NEVER share that info in advance – that’s an act which should be punishable by being taken outside by that complete tossknob Jeremy Clarkson and being shot, relatives optional.)  It's usually a fairly straightforward affair, with a tried and tested source (clearly a BBC employee) posting the correct information online.  But this week, online trolling abounded – and the forums were all aghast to hear (incorrectly as we now know) that it was Alex Jones who had gone.  (Even the bookies fell for it!)  And when I read the ‘Alex Has Gone’ rumour I was sad to think that she was leaving before Robbie – they both confounded my expectations (based on my quick fire first impression judgements of their media personalities) and they both improved throughout, but I do think Alex has the edge overall.  However, I was really disappointed with her and James’ Pretty Woman American Smooth – not because of the heel in dress problem (sympathy all the way), but because it just wasn’t very sparky or confident, though I did read after the show that she was actually dancing on an injury, which explains the judges’ generosity and her lack of pizzazz.  Mind you, that scarlet dress was properly pizzazzy – to use the technical fashion term.  Seriously... WANT.  Oh you want that dress too, do you?  Well, join the queue, bitches.

However, I won’t be queuing for Aliona’s big pants and white chiffon culottes – not the best look, though she still managed to look slim and slinky, even though my main memories of the Maid Marian look are heavy velvet robes, long black curls and Donovan-levels of brooding intensity.  Actually my favourite Maid Marian is this one (CLICKITY CLICK RIGHT 'ERE) – a dance to that tune - now, that I would have liked to see.  I’ll be honest, I found this hard to watch, but that’s to be expected – it’s a RUMBA.  Harry did the best he could, and wasn’t half bad, but it’s hard to avoid the camp’n’cringe - male hip action should probably only be attempted by highly trained professionals (i.e. not Anton).

But it wasn’t all bad, was it?  And best of all... Well, did you all notice?  Yes, indeed!  The return of the POO SLACKS!!!!  Hooray!!!  Yeah babies, they are back, back, back and no mistake!  Tight round the male area, loose at the ankle, brown nylon galore – hello again old friend.  Still disgusting, still amazing.

 

And what’s more, you wait a whole series, and then two pairs come along at once!  Not just Harry in the poo slacks, but Pashrek too!  Like the seventies never went away.  Pashrek wore them particularly well – every kick and flick was all the more exciting because of all those brown manmade fibres flopping around, enticing us with the possibility of a static electricity-charged hairy ankle flash at any second.  And indeed the Kovalev ankles were momentarily revealed on a number of occasions, although – slightly disappointingly - hadn’t been painted green.  Surely someone (nay, everyone) in make-up must have volunteered to do a full Pasha body paint?

*IMAGINE*

Now, obviously I’d happily linger on the subject of Pasha’s form or, indeed, the subject of painting things green, but we should probably discuss Chelsee’s jive, no?  Not that there’s really much to say beyond ‘bloody ‘eck, that were dead good’, or some such other Northern cliché denoting understated excellence.  It’s rare to see such a speedy jive from a celeb and Chelsee managed speed without looking messy and kept it all impressively in time and (phew) in costume.  Tess may patronisingly have told her she’s all elegant now, but more interestingly (from an audience voting perspective), Chelsee is also ‘palatably middle-class’ now.  She could win this, I think. (Surely, she and Harry are the shoo-in finalists and I doubt Aliona will be able to reign in her crazeballs on a show dance.)

Then again, maybe we shouldn’t completely discount Holly just yet – because that paso was BRILLIANT.  Best dance of the night for me.  As much as I enjoy a comedy paso (Russell! *sigh*), it’s always so exciting to see a real, fiery, passionate paso doble – and it felt like it had been a while since we’d seen a properly sexed-up one like that.  And the Zorro theme was particularly apt for that dance, especially as Artem had excitingly grown a little Zorro tash!  Just a few days after Movember ended, but let's all appreciate the effort...

Indeed, on that note, Movember, next year boys?  It can’t all be on Bruce.  Does Len have a tash?  I bet he did in his funkateer days...  Oh, they have to do it – Vinthent with a moustache would be AWESOME!  And Robin!  And Pasha!  Etc etc...

Anyway, let’s park the prospect of PashTashFlash - we’d better get on with TessDressMess.  When she first appeared on Saturday night, my heart lifted – an elegant long black number!  But no.  We have jumpsuit.  WHY TESS WHY?!?!  I realise this is mainly personal taste, as she looked pretty good, figure-wise – but I just loathe jumpsuits.  They’re impractical and strange, they flatter basically no-one and look completely ridiculous, and not in a good ‘poo suit’ kind of way.  Also, if it had been a gown, I would probably have glossed over the other fault - her triangular pendant, which was essentially an arrow pointing towards her low-slung boobs.  Still, I shouldn’t be surprised - we all know that it’s too much to ask that Tess not wear something that directly highlights her (very limited) flaws.

I preferred Sunday’s shiny mini dress – a return to Primarni Beyoncé, with bright yellow hair.  Tres Disco Barbie.  And in keeping with the recurring retro theme, did you see Tess on Friday’s ITT?  What look did she choose for a teatime magazine show?  Heavy metal rock star, of course!  Big hair, a sleeveless t-shirt (in red lamé) and the shiniest PVC spray-on leggings known to man or womankind; she looked simultaneously preposterous and sexy.  No mean feat, even though I’m not sure it’s wise that your female fashion icon of choice should be Jon Bon Jovi in his Living On A Prayer days.

On a more fifties tip (we’re running through all the decades, innit), the Saturday Night At The Movies pro-dance didn’t really blow me away, but I did love the very neat trick of avoiding an Anton latin fiasco by having him out of the main dance and instead projecting him and Erin on to a makeshift cinema screen - as the glamorous foxtroting black and white movie stars that the others went to watch at the drive-in.  But was all that syncopated standing up and sitting down about?  I imagine they were all on cue, but there was something about James Jordan’s village idiot grin (which was even worse in Sunday's picnic charleston) that made me wonder if he had got his timing right...  I’m fairly sure Natalie was shooting him death stares – though it’s possible that her kill-all-rivals bot chip just needed a glitch override.

But enough negativity, cause let’s face it – WHAT A SHOW!!!   Maybe there's something to be said for crow-barring a random theme element in there after all! (Let’s face it, no-one’s going to regret Pasha getting his Shrek on.)  And although an hour feels too short for a Strictly obsessive like me, it’s always fantastic to see the standard finally reaching some great dance heights, and for the tens to (justifiably) start raining.  It’s always like this though - you forget how rubbish the celebs are at the start (which is normal – they aren’t famous dancers, well, apart from the ones that are famous dancers) and then feel all the more delighted when it gets to this stage and becomes a celebrity dance contest, and quality control kicks in.

Next week though – two dances, so you can ignore what I just said about quality control.  Chelsee should be an advantage here – she’s used to having only five minutes to learn and perfect a routine.  Worryingly, J-Don's got a samba this week, so I fear for my Strictly sweepstake pound. (Then again, no-one wants to see Kristina so upset again, so hopefully my investment is still safe.)   I have to say (sorry Alex/Gavin), that I'd be sad to see a final without Holly, Jason, Chelsee or Harry, but I think Teams Holtem, Jamex and Kristina’s Doner Van are all vulnerable, so we shall have to see.

In the meantime, keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-ers creeeeeeeepers, where'd ya get those peeeeeeeeeeeeeepers.  (Yes, that is the sound of a barrel being scraped. Sorry.)

Series 9 - Week 9

Farewell Anita, you were very lovely and it was sad to see you leave, but (small voice) it was probably your time to go.  You had a seriously enviable figure and looked amazingly youthful during the swingathon, so I'll keep that memory in mind.  Of course, it's super harsh for Robin “Tops” Windsor to leave the competition when he wasn't even there to dance in it, but that is how it goes, sadly.  Let’s all hope that Bobby’s hurty foot is better and that he'll be sporting some AMAZING string vests or polka dot waistcoats on our screens very very soon. (Brendan, if I'm honest, I can more or less cope with not seeing for a while...)

Now, I don’t know if it was Brendan who took on the choreography, but I was a little disappointed; it seemed to mainly consist of walking (albeit cha cha stylee) with a bit too much Messin' Abahht - all a bit Week 2 in terms of content.  I wonder whether Brendan has trouble accepting that the older woman can remember tricky steps (though perhaps Lulu and Jo Wood haven’t been the shiniest previous examples)? Anita has seemed to cope admirably with difficulty. in the past...  Perhaps Brendan should have pushed her a bit harder - though I get that it can't be easy having to suddenly dance with a new partner (for pro or celeb).  Anyway, hopefully Rentapro won't be needed again now, as it's not ideal for anyone.

As for Other Bottom Two-er (henceforth known as ‘the OBT’), it's clear that the viewers aren't engaging with Holly, for some reason – because her foxtrot was great.  I think it's the 'too laid back' thing, which has been the main thrust of her critiques for the past few hundred weeks, so I imagine people aren't sure whether she is giving it *whatever percent is being touted as the most appropriate amount of percent this week* (we must be up to at least 100050% by now).  But to me, Holly wasn't holding back this week and pulled out a very slinky performance in that scarlet dress, which must have set some gentlemanly pulses racing.  Fortunately Len's ticker was safe from over-excitement, as Holtem’s foxtrot had a bit too much thigh flash and sultry bum wiggle, which we know isn’t to his taste, whatever he might say about his mysterious funkateer past. (I'm imagining some rather groovy outfits in the sixties... tight polonecks and paisley trousers spring to mind, for some reason.  Best not to dwell.)

I also felt sorry for Alex – I was expecting compliments from the judges, but they kinda went for her (again).  I actually really enjoyed her charleston and thought she had completely mastered the right balance between quirk and gurn (to use the technical terms), though it's true that there was perhaps a little too much jelly-legged flailing.   My favourite bit was the lift where Alex was tossed over James' back and she suddenly popped out through James' upper thighs - like James had just given birth to a smiling adult female head.  Disturbing, yes, but FUNNY.  But anything goes in the charleston, right?  It is, after all, a dance where fake swimming is nigh on mandatory.

However, you could see the difference when you compared Alex's charleston to Jason’s, which was (biased *cough*) pretty fantastic, with its multitude of rubber-faced silent movie grimaces (and if Bruno says someone is Botox free, I believe him – he sat near Arlene for years, remember).  Indeed, I’d go so far as to say that Jason’s performance was looking like a multitude of tens before the timing of the kicks went awry.  (Argh!  Donovan!  You're killing me!)  It was gutting - I was really gunning for them, in spite of Jason's dubious white suit, and not just because of my precious pound, but for Kristina, so adorably keen to succeed, and not in a Natbot win or kill way.

Costume-wise, where did we stand on Kristina's hat?  Was she successfully channelling Jean Harlow Eyes and the spirit of the flappers?  Or looking more like she'd nicked one of 50 Cent's condom hats and gone mental with the glitter stick?

Chelsee also had a whole load of glitter going on – the glitter dandruff neck’n’shoulders look.  I actually found her mauve tango outfit really quite vile – a lycra polo neck dress was not a good look for our Chelsehh, especially with a Croydon facelift.  (Don’t take inspiration from Tess, Chels – you have diametrically opposed figures, and fashion is not her friend!)  However, Team Pashee’s AT was still fab – it could just have done with a little more tension, perhaps.  And HOW she couldn't muster up any Pasha-based lust is completely beyond me.  Is she not human?

I wasn't convinced by Robbie's outfit either – I'm not talking about the strip to his strip (badda boom – ching!), which was quite amoosing, but by the satin ribbon running vertically down his chiffon shirt, where the buttons/button holes go, and which goes beyond his waistline, and...  well it's hard to explain, but look it up (especially when the celebs first arrive down the stairs), and you'll see that basically the overall effect is to draw maximum attention to his penis.  (Gav: “there might as well be an arrow there.”)  Fortunately Ola's costume was more subtle (ha!) – again with the bikini top, with a good old fashioned mullet skirt.  I really liked her get-up in fact – I love a big sequin.  Robbie clearly also likes a big sequin, as he ended up (accidentally?) honking Ola’s boob during the dance and she had to gently lower his hand to her midriff. (Check 1.22 – you can hear the audience having a right old giggle.  (Well done, eagle eyes Gav and Abi for both spotting that one.)

So, I think there’s a clear favourite in town now, no?  Congrats to Harry for dropping only one little point through the whole show.  It must be said that his quickstep was incredibly good and the tens were well deserved.  We have a theory in the Strictly Cad house - the redder Aliona's hair, the more personable she is, and the less Aliona-centric and crazeballs her choreography.  She's clearly super grumpy without her hair dye – so someone give that girl an endorsement and a lifetime supply of crimson hair dye, ideally something super cheesy like Rumba Red, Salsa Scarlet or Cha Cha Cherry.  Though no doubt, she want to call it something subtle like ‘Aliona’s Hair Is The Best’ or similar.

And finally, the Swingathon.  Well, it was alright – fun and messy, as ever.  (Also, a good insight into Strictly homo-eroticism, as James and Brendan enthusiastically agreed to double-team.)  The best thing in the swingathon was the Alex and James aeroplane spin lift, which we saw on multiple occasions, and Ola's hilarious petulant strop as she and Robbie were kicked off.  My, how the Len's Lens slo-mo of that made me chuckle.

You may think we’re nearly done with this week’s blog, but I’ve got rather a lot of costume nonsense to bang on about actually.  Firstly, let's be honest - whatever my reservations, Aliona's dress was GERT LUSH, as us Bristolians say.  TOTAL COVET.

Indeed there were quite a few excellent Saturday dresses this week: Anita's glitterbug, Holly's scarlet, Alex's fringed mint...  All of which served to highlight the ill-advised number Tess had gone for on Saturday, which left me TessDressMessPerplexed – why was her bosom due South again?  ARGH!  What have you done with your good bra, Tess?!!!  The Twitter consensus on Tess’ outfit was fairly overwhelming: “AWFUL”.  Our very own sweepstaker Vix suggested it was “a cross between wonder woman and rainbow bright and somehow makes her look the size of a house.” (With THREE exclamation marks, to hammer home the point.)  It's true that the dress was unforgiving – a return to the droopy boob situation (perhaps that new and improved bra was in the wash) and a discernible tummy shadow - on a woman who I'm fairly sure has a pretty flat stomach (or at least some working spanx).     While I had no major conceptual problem with the shape of the dress, and thought the fuchsia and navy colours were potentially great on her (we'll gloss over the weird gold belt), I agree that it just didn't work, especially with that hideous all-to-one-side hairdo, and that stupid long dangling earring - how very Hen Weekend in Tack City.

Also, Tess was totally slouching, which did nothing to help.  Has her posture always been so poor?   However, as harsh as it is to blame the wearer, rather than the dress, I wonder if Alesha had been wearing it, whether the comments would have been so, um, 'concerned'.  (Discuss.)  Sunday's TessDress was LessMess – provided you subscribe to the school of thought known as ‘There Can Never Be Too Much Glitter’.  (And who doesn’t?)

A few more notes on Sunday's other outfits: Cee-Lo Green's dancers' mirrored cut out catsuits were quite something – Ola must have been taking some serious notes backstage. (My guess is we'll see her in one before Christmas.)  And Cee Lo himself - a larger man, you’ll note - wore a peach satin tracksuit; to quote Alesha, "Cee-Lo Green, I commend you". (That's Alesha's way of making it seem like there's a positive in amongst a stinking sea of total dross, right?)  Less commendable were the outfits Nat and Kat wore in their Rolling In The Deep pro-dance (the look being 'sexy-smoking-jacket’ meets ‘slashed-to-the-navel’ meets ‘bras-on-show-ladies’), but the dance itself was utterly brilliant – one of the best pro-dances I've seen in a while.  (And Natalie was in it, so that is saying summat.)  Now then, can they do it again next week wearing monochrome versions of Aliona’s dress, please?

Probably not, as next week is Movie Week – yup, it's Theme Time Radio Hour again (NB: that not hugely hilarious reference will only make sense to fans of Strictly and Bob Dylan – a small, but not insignificant group, I’d wager).  Lots of ‘comedy’ to look forward to then.  Talking of, did you see the hilarious/awkward Chelsee/Shrek moment?  Go to 11.10 – and note especially Claudia’s face at 11.34 – AMAZING.)  Is it wrong that I'm quite looking forward to another theme week?  It could be fun!   Just me then?  Ahem.  Let's just keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep hoping.

Series 9 - Week 8

I know Russell's gone – and we will dwell on the sadness that that brings later – but we need to address the most important issue first.

The zebra trousers.

As worn by Robin.

And Anton.

I can barely breathe.

This has serious consequences regarding my Top 5 Strictly trousers. SERIOUS consequences.

If Ian had been wearing them, it would have been a clear new entry at number 1. As things stand, I'm going joint first. I just can't choose between zebra and red.

Whilst we're on costumes, God knows what happened with Tess's original Saturday outfit, as she can't have actually chosen that blue 'dress' (I use that description loosely) as a first choice – it screamed 'OH MY GOD WE NEED AN EMERGENCY OUTFIT WE'LL JUST HAVE TO WRAP HER IN SATIN CLOTH' like nothing before. Clearly someone sabotaged her first dress (Nancy?), or – worse – Tess had gone back to picking her own clothes, and gone for something TRULY unwearable - and it was starting to look like she'd have to do the show in her pants. I can hear the Wardrobe Mistress now “Oh shit! She can't wear that. You, go, find the first haberdashery in Wembley, get a couple of metres of the cheapest shiny cloth, and we'll just wrap it round her, sure it'll be rubbish, but it will still be an improvement. You, fetch me the staple gun.” TessDressStress. Sunday's red lace was much better – not 100% to my taste, but she wore it well and scarlet looks nice on her.

And now, a moment of respectful silence please. For the passing of Mr Russell Grant from Strictly Come Dancing 2011. *sigh* Russell was simply the best 'comedy' dancer we have seen to date, and the first one that I didn't want out yet. The key, I think, is that we were laughing with Russell, never at him. He got the joke – knew that it was all about performance and was always wonderful to watch - a camp little rotund man with energy, rhythm, spark and bags of charm. I'm going to miss him. As I'm sure Abi will miss her £1.

But at least he went out with a bang – CAUSE HE WAS FIRED FROM A CANNON, YOU SEEEEEEEEEEE. Actually, the cannon went well beyond my expectations – it was brilliant. His little face! (The joyfully surprised toddler look.) The glittery helmet at a jaunty angle! (Possibly just too big for his head.) The yellow satin shirt! (Worn with panache.) All while balanced on a tea tray, several miles up. Excellent work, as ever. Huge congrats to Flavia Cacace, who knew exactly how to choreograph to Russell's strength, like the akimbo handstand with Russell peeking through her legs - “the first and only time he'll be between thighs like that” quoth Gavin. (I'm stealing a whole bunch of Gav AKA Mr Cad quotes this week – he was way funnier than me during the show. Bastard.)

Bye bye Russell. You will be missed.

The other bottom two-er was also a surprise – Valance. I suspect her hideous outfit played a part; as Gav said “she looks like an oompa loompa on the set of Mad Man”. Again they gave her that heinous Essex tan colour (an entire top this time - eww), matched with a snot green skirt (of rather excellent swishing proportions which I'll admit would covet in another colour). I just think someone in wardrobe must hate her, but, frankly, Holly's too skool cool to care - she just wears what she's given anyway, and actually looks all the more beautiful, as the awfulness of the outfit highlights the quality of her facial features.

In other news, Artem's sex injury is gone.

And so, what did we think about Wembley? Well, it was, you know, BIG – so cue lots of frantic running and slightly messy dance moves. Ola got the choreography right though – sod doing an actual salsa, we're going stadium, and matched a Robbie Williams soundtrack with a Robbie Savage strut. Their performance consisted of waving at the crowd, jumping up and down A LOT, with a bit of very impressive Ola-throwing, er, thrown in. (Gavin: “it wasn't a salsa, but it was a tasty dip of some sort.”) Costume-wise, Ola's got her groove back – last week was bikini inspired and this week it's the trademark – the Lace Catsuit: Version Blue Point 0. Also, the biggest perm Wembley has ever seen – and that includes all of Bon Jovi.

Tell you what else Wembley saw – at least six pairs of nipples. It was Man Nip City! Jeez! I couldn't possibly pick my favourite, but hurrah to see Robin back in his natural state – a hot pink silk shirt, with sequinned shoulder detail, no buttons, and utterly pecalicious. It's amazing to think that he had a (very) hurty foot, and has been banned from dancing this week, because his samba bounce was incredible and a masterclass on how it should be done. Sadly, however, it showed that Anita didn't quite have it. I still love Anita, but I'm not sold on her dancing. And it will be interesting to see how I react to her partnership with Brendan, as my bias for Fun Bobby might well have been what I've been gunning for these last few weeks...

Nipples on show for Harry too – against his will to a degree, as a (no doubt jealous) Brendan ripped the shirt from his back in the Tesspit (pec fans were shocked and very much not appalled.) Indeed it's worth going back to the iPlayer (around 00.44.10) not just to see Harry's chest, but to check out a man in the front row, who, when Bruce asked “Wembley, would you like to see Harry with his shirt open?!” didn't respond to the question out loud - but you could tell that inside he was VERY MUCH saying YES PLEASE YES.

Harriona's dance itself was fantastic – points points points for the Eurovision-inspired mid-dance striptease, as Aliona span, and Harry unravelled several metres of red chiffon (Gavin: “ah yes, the reverse Andrex puppy”), and kudos kudos kudos for the lifts – especially the one where Aliona went over Harry's head and landed in the splits between his legs. Wowsers. When Aliona's quirkiness works, it's awesome – and the last two weeks have worked. Harry really is looking like the favourite man celeb right now.

And that's harsh for Jason – he has the attitude and the dedication and seems to be able to deliver the technique, but he doesn't have the same natural effortlessness that the young'uns do. It didn't help that he went wrong in his jive, but I was impressed by his swift recovery. Still, the judges lavished on the praise about the jiving itself, so if he gets through a routine mistake-free, we could be looking at a shower of tens. I think he needs the high scores to stay safe (remember, it's my £1 you're representing Donovan!), as while he's popular, I'm not sure the TV audience have engaged with him as much as, say, Alex Jones, who no-one really expected to like, but has turned out to be hilarious, and is improving greatly - nipping at Jason's heels.

Indeed, Alex topped the leaderboard this week, so she not only nipped the Donovan heels, but ate his whole foot and still had room for dessert (or whatever tortured metaphor might work in this context). I rated her tango face especially, although I think the choreography was slightly swallowed by Wembley. James Jordan wore particularly tight trousers – so after seeing Ola in her catsuit, we now pretty much know how both Jordans look naked. Mmmkay.

However, it was Pasha who got my heart rate going - in a garland and shades in the pre-dance VT. Scuse me while I sit down a while. Chelsee continues to seriously impress – her solo work was particularly good. Alesha commented on her “natural samba bounce” and it's true that she has the bounce, I'm just not sure it's entirely natural... She rocked the Geri dress though, and was demure enough to avoid flashing red knickers Halliwell-style. Instead they stapled the Dell'Olio boa to her bottom – a good look. Chelsee's still the one to watch, I think. Am looking forward to seeing how she handles an Argentine Tango.

And so that was Wembley – very enjoyable, although there was WAY too much Bruce. Goodness me – enough! The Best Of British theme was also a bit forced – the Sunday's sixties group dance was a little weird. But it's always dangerous (and by 'dangerous' I mean 'an error') to include the celebs, though Russell, Harry, Jason and Robbie as The Ballroom Beatles was worth the inclusion. Russell (missing you already) was Paul McCartney or “Flavia's sister” - as he himself said, which was FUNNY. (Although I notice Flavs had changed her Dwayne Dibbley hair this week.) Also Russell suited his wig better than Anita suited her rather severe hairpiece which made her look a little... draggy. (Sorry A.)

Still, the hot sixties dance mess was better than Jessie J and James Morrison singing a dirge to NO PROFESSIONAL DANCERS. What's the point? It's just filler without any dancing in it. I'd have even preferred an Anton rumba. (I lie, of course, there is NO situation in which I would prefer an Anton rumba.) And then we had to suffer Il Divo and their lady choir. In fact Il Divo actually make me chuckle - I bloody love the ridiculousness of their on-stage pomposity and the fact that the BBC clearly had to wait until they were doing Strictly in an full on arena before inviting them on, else there wouldn't have been enough room for Il Divo and their egos.  I also especially like that they look the epitome of their own national stereotype – no-one looks more Spanish than the Spanish Divo, no-one looks more Swiss than the Swiss Divo, and so on with the French and American Divos.   Incredible.   And as sexless as Ken dolls.

And next week is, well, NOW – Week 9 in less than a hour. The excitement!!! So all that remains for me to say is, keeeeeeeeeeeeeeep sitting on the sofa waiting for the show to start. Can't wait!

Series 9 - Week 7

Now then, cast your minds back.  Back to before Wembley, and a time when your ears weren't ringing from mass arena-based screaming and a yellow clad Russell Grant hadn't been fired out of a cannon (and out of the contest *sniffsniffsniff* - more on that later, viewers).  For now, let us go back to a time when we (finally) said goodbye to Audley Entertaining and Natalie 'Natbot' Lowe – to the surprise of precisely no-one.  Natbot knew the time had come – it looked like she'd had her face botoxed to oblivion, to hide any rage at not winning – or perhaps it was time for a fresh new fembot skin service. But Lowe (geddit?!? Like ‘Lo!’ - oh yessss, kerching, did you miss me?!), the exit was inevitable. To be honest, Natbot, I didn't loathe you this series, so let's call that progress!  And I liked Audley Entertaining and his casual wedding guest dance style – he might have lumbered a little (did you know he has size five hundred feet and is seventeen miles tall?), but he always looked like he was having an excellent time of it.  (And he was sooooo sweet to his clearly devastated fellow bottom-two-er, Anita.)  But all such things must end, and so, adios Audley, and Marf's quid.

Anita in the Bottom Two did seem surprising, but Justine and I were discussing Anita the other day, and although we really like her when she’s being interviewed, but we're less and less sold on her dancing.  I think she looks a bit crazed and pointy (apart from her toes, the one, well, two things that should be - oh the irony).  Having said that, the judges always praise her, which suggests her technique is strong (or she's being lined up for the tour).  Also, she is still LOVELY, dancing with Robin (who is also LOVELY) and she handled Bruce's super rude age joke about her very well (using the tried and tested technique of 'politely ignoring'.)

As for LOVELY Robin, he was happily a little more naked than he has been in previous weeks – I'd estimate that at least the top seven buttons of his purple silky shirt were undone, so we got some saucy pec glimpse. You tease, Bobby!  Teasing was the order of the day, in fact - he even went so far as to actually faux-strip in the VT.  (Shame on you BBC for not allowing us to see Robin in his pants.)  He also wore a red hat and braces – but of course.  Inspirational.

Also back to her more naked usual self – Ola! Channelling the elegance and sophistication of the American Smooth in a long silk skirt and mint bikini top.  I’d just like to include a ‘let’s big-up Ola’ interlude here: I used to really dislike her, thinking she was a pouty sullen little madam, and then along came Chris Hollins and bam – we saw the light!  We met hilarious sarky Olachops and learned to appreciate her impeccable comedy timing and her Polish-Essex hybrid accent. *Ola iz great interlude ends*.  As for her dance partner, well Robbie turned in a passable but forgettable ballroom performance.  He's better when he gets to thrust.

Like Ola, Alex Jones has also unexpectedly won me round with her comedic talents (whether they’re conscious or not).  As for the dance, well she and James and a sinister Jamesalike rag doll (too disturbing to discuss in any further detail) did a lively, messy jive, dressed as cheerleaders.  To be honest I'm a little sad that they didn’t a) use pompoms, b) dress James up as a quarterback and c) spell out any words using their pants.

Some TRUE FACTS about cheerleading:
TRUE FACT #1: George W. Bush was a cheerleader. (I'm not sure how he coped with the spelling, pants or no pants.)
TRUE FACT #2: The best cheerleading film is Bring It On, and is a cinematic masterpiece.
TRUE FACT #3: There are four (YES FOUR) sequels to Bring It On. My sister owns them all.

Another TRUE FACT was that Harry turned in the finest performance.  (Of course by 'true fact' I mean 'in my entirely subjective opinion'.)  And although I still think they should reserve the Argentine Tango for the semi finals, to conserve a sense of reward and drama, I did think this was the first dance to (arguably) deserve 10s.  It started out a little on the slutty side (a slutty Aliona choreography? Shocking!), but then Aliona reigned it in, and they got the smoulder-slutty balance about right – whatever Len's pickled walnuts might have thought about it being lacking in tension (jet-lagged indeed).  I've always thought it was quite hard for blondes to pull off a tango, but it's clear to me that it's even harder for whatever-colour-hair-Aliona-has.  How to describe it?  It's the colour of a brand new 2p, but not shiny...  Like a faded bottle red where the dry shampoo hasn't quite been rubbed in properly...  A kind of mushed up autumn leaf on the pavement colour...  Anyway, am sure it's hugely popular in the sample hair colour catalogue.  (I've never really been a hair-dyer - do they still have those fake curls in books to show the different colours, or did that go out in the eighties?)

By the way, is it just me, or is it weird that the non-Harry members of McFly no longer look like teenagers, but sort of still do...?  They are now tattooed man-boys and it disturbs me.

Talking of popstars who look a confusing indeterminate age, KYLIE!  *Message from Kylie alert!* *Message from Kylie alert!* Actually, I thought it was quite mean to feature her in Jason's pre-dance VT and get her to purr about how much she enjoyed shagging him 23 years ago (subtext: I am now a global superstar and you are ballroom dancing at teatime, but you were cute with that mullet).  Firstly, I'm fairly sure that seeing your ex just before you're about to perform would put you off a bit, and secondly, we were then all too busy remembering how they used to be at it, to focus on the waltz.  Though perhaps that was a canny move – waltzes are generally dull, aren't they?  Even the foreign spinny kind.  But, Jason did well – considering all that.  Well done Team Doner Van – keep ‘em coming.  I'm still confident that my pound might blosson into £14...

(Also, just to terrify you a little and put those 23 years into perspective - Kylie and Jason's lurve making is old enough for them to have genuinely been Chelsee’s parents.  Make of that what you will. 

Our Chelsehh – still adorable, still can't help starring at her boobs.  Nice enough foxtrot and it was the pro that did the faffing abaaht this week; I did like the very persuasive fake piano playing from Pasha – at first I thought he might actually have been playing, but the giveaway was the piano melody carrying on after he'd stepped away from the grand.  I don't really remember the dance as I was too busy cringing at the (usually excellent) singers' atrocious tuning.  Dave Arch will need to have words.

Oh and Strictly bingo cards out – a long overdue bitchswipe from Tess to Chelsee. “Sophisticated – ever been called that before?” Textbook smackdown – la Daly's back in the zone.

Artem's sex injury was still playing up, so in stepped Brendan (even though we all know that Ian Waite should always be the official stand in pro.  Or Brian!  Oh Brian.  I miss him, with his all-American you-betcha attitude and Thunderbird monobrow.  Still, let us all be mightily relieved that Anton wasn't asked to rumba with Holly - vomvomvom).

But what was Holly wearing (again)?  They seemed to have stapled a pink sheet to an ice-skating leotard and given her Essex skin-tone flesh-coloured tights – so her arms were about fifteen shades lighter than her legs.  And besides even if she weren't suffering the paleness of an English autumn, she wouldn't tan orange - she's Australian!  Anyway, she did pretty well for a rumba – I didn't have to turn away from the screen in embarrassment many times at all!

And then there was Russell.  Oh Russell.  It's important to savour every Russell moment now, of course *sigh*.  Wise Flavia knows that if it ain't broke, there's no need to fix it – so she opted for an American Smooth to one of the very few songs that would challenge I Will Survive in a camp-off.  (The other contender is, of course, Never Been To Me by Charlene, which would have been PERFECT for a Russell rumba - *WEEPS!*  #bestthingswewillneversee

(Actually while I’m on the subject of amazing camp songs, my personal favourites - which I guarantee will make you instantly happy - are: Dance Magic Dance and the wholly underrated country tune ‘What’s Good For The Goose’ by Dottie West.  I will forever be indebted to my friend Owen Duff for introducing me to that one.  Amazing.  Robin to solo line-dance to it in cowboy hat and glitter chaps, please.)

Anyway, back to Russell – once again, out he went and although it was never going to be as great as the polka dot paso, he offered up joyful arm flailing, multiple star jumps, glittery guyliner and a costume change, so I will take that very happily.  Yes indeed, Russell issss what he isssssss, and what he issssss, issssss... apparently a gold lamé suit.

Talking of costume changes (wishful thinking), Saturday Week 7 saw TessDressMess looking a vision in pea green sequins (so not her colour) and sporting an unfortunate belt situation which caused unsightly bulging in her lady area.  Shame.  I did quite like her Sunday white dress though – even though the front panel seemed to be made from an Ikea sofa throw.  And STOPTHEPRESS, I genuinely liked Tess' HAIR on Sunday!  Yes, that loose side pony tail! Who'd have thunk it?!  Elsewhere (well, behind the judges' desk) Alesha wore what looked like an odd but innocuous frill round her chest, and it wasn't until she stood up that you realised that the dress was ridge overload – like a starchy white Christmas tree.  Gulp.  On the plus side, Alesha has the most amazing shiny hair – vinyl Timotei.

I'm still not sure about Flavia's hair – she's clearly GORGEOUS, but (and forgive me if I've said this before) but this season’s haircut makes her look a bit like, well, Dwayne Dibbley.  A stunningly pretty, lovely, cute, professional lady dancing Dwayne Dibbley, but...  Dwayne Dibbley nonetheless. (Or in Gavin’s opinion, Victoria Wood.)  I'm not sure that Flavs was helped by the white sailor/pussy bow crop top in Sunday's Andrews Sisters-inspired pro dance.  However that dance was one of my pro favourites so far - partly as it involved Pasha literally (literally!) jumping over Ms Cacace. (I know she's dinky, but still!)  And it was nice to see little Vinthent out and about, in a shiny nylon white shirt – though he’s still not quite his irrepressible Italian Pony self, is he?  I still think he's faintly traumatised after his time with Edwina Curry Puns (she drove him jalfrezi).  I so miss his VTs - if anyone can dig out clips of him describing Rachel Stevens as “shaking like a leaflet” or the time that he fell backwards off the chair, I will be eternally grateful.

Also good: pro dance #2 - Jar of Hearts lady – piano covered in tea lights - Robin and Kristina – lots of throwing - lovely.  And while I'm feeling happy and generous, I won't slate what could have been excruciating – the ultimate men of gurn’n’cringe: Anton du Bek and André Rieu (looking like a fatter James May in a tux with a fiddle).  I actually found the whole thing hilarious – Anton all but ignoring Erin and performing a number of show-off high leg kicks and spins, in front of a full blown orchestra of Marie Antoinettes astride cellos, apart from a Swiss male brass section (women playing trombones! Imagine! Whatever next – the vote?!) and a lone percussionist stuck on the balcony having to wait pretty much the whole of the song before he finally got to spend a few bars having a go on his timpani.  (Not a euphemism.)

And next week Wembley!  (Except, of course, that Wembley's already happened and we know how that panned out – but more of that in the next few days, for the iPlayer is a friend indeed, so I'll get my Week 8 blog on soon.  I've already seen the first five minutes and yegods!  SEQUINED ZEBRA PRINT TROUSERS!!!!!  Things are looking interesting...)

Keeeeeeep keep toot toot.