It’s getting tough now right? That emotional time when we have to say goodbye to some seriously popular couples. And so, we bid farewell to Robbie and Ola – the dads of Britain sigh, and wonder how they’ll make it to Christmas without the comforting thought that at least she might be wearing her catsuit this week...
I’m sad to see them go - I have to admit that the Robbie Savage reinvention PR exercise completely won me over. I realise that football fans may well beg to differ, based on years and years of seeing Robbie (so I’m told) behave like an oafish, arrogant, aggressive, not-even-that-good, childish $&%£#^$ on the pitch (which makes him different to most other players how, I wonder?), but for Strictly fans he will be the enthusiastic, courteous, pretty charming family guy, who always put the effort into learning the dances and performing them with gusto, and who certainly progressed beyond his initial portrayal as the New Gavin Henson – sportsman, Welsh, vain and obsessed with his own hair. Yes, Robbie was a little tits and teeth, and was certainly proud of his gleaming blond locks (possibly not 100% natural), but was able (or at least willing) to have his barnet mocked on a regular basis – getting it styled into a beehive on It Takes Two or, this week, having a hair tool stand-off with Ola, in what has to be my all-time favourite pre-dance VT – the Tarantino meets Hairspray spoof. Highly aces. (And, moreover, seeing as so much Tarantino is a tribute to/pastiche of other films and film genres, there’s some serious inter-textuality going on there – funny AND intellectual. Well, that’s Strictly for you.)
As for the Reservoir Dogs Quickstep - a concept I loved, if lacking in gratuitous cartoon violence - well, I’m not even sure it was the weakest dance (I found Alex disappointing and over-marked, but more on that later, viewers). However, Robbie was, for me, the weakest dancer left, so I think it was right for him to leave on Sunday. Sorry Beth, that £14 sweepstake pot must feel so near, but yet so far – though you won’t be surprised by Robbie’s not-so-savage exit. (But please come back next year – surely they won’t be able to find a third hair-obsessed, vain, Welsh sportsman to take part?!)
Let’s just hope that it wasn’t down to lack of flesh, because I thought Ola looked completely incredible in that suit. Unsurprisingly though, Sir Bruce Pervesythe commented no less than twice that Ola was overdressed and needed to get naked again next week (well, he didn’t actually say the second bit, but he was obviously thinking it). We get it Bruce, you want to see lady flesh. Well, I want to see Robin flesh, but sometimes Strictly, just like life, isn’t forthcoming, OK? Let’s let Ola have a week where she can forgo her waxing appointment, eh? That doesn’t seem too much to cope with.
However, something I DID have trouble coping with – my sweepstakee Jason Donovan in the Bottom Two! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!etc). Are you SERIOUS, the Great British Public?!!! Kristina and Jason were BLOODY AWESOME this week!!!! Bias aside, I (for one – huh!) really enjoyed their Singing In The Rain American Smooth – it was charming and sweet and well-danced and – most amazingly of all - Jason didn’t make any obvious mistakes! I’ll concede that it might not have been the best dance of the night, but it was still fantastic, and I’m a bit peeved that Alesha, who is hardly restrained when it comes to high paddle action, couldn’t get her ten out for that.
Anyway, Jason’s Bottom Two clearly proves that opening an umbrella indoors is unlucky. (Though I can’t say I’ve noticed Rihanna’s career suffering - apart from the minor embarrassment of getting publically told off by a Northern Irish farmer for stripping in his field, I suppose.) It's an interesting one - J-Don is probably the most famous one left, but at this stage, that matters less. I think the main problem is that Jason is a little too, well... intense, and I suspect that the women-of-a-certain-age who had such warm memories of his Neighbours mullet and Especially-For-You Kylie days are finding that intensity, well... confusing. Jason is, let’s face it, a teeny bit weird. OBVIOUSLY, I’m backing my sweepstake ALL THE WAY, but maybe we have could one or two fewer quotes from the Donovan Book of Self Help Cliché Nonsense. (If I wanted Bog Standard Common Sense disguised as Deep Philosophical Metaphorical Intellectual Meditation I’d read some Paulo Coelho.)
However, let us (well, me) rejoice that Jason made it though. Tess seemed particularly pleased – as Isabelle noticed, she said she wanted Jason to get a semi. (Err, you mean, to get TO the semi, no, Tess?) Women of a certain age...
So, Confession Time (no no NO, nothing to do with Jason and semis): I have no patience and every week I look at the Strictly spoiler on Digital Spy, as I can't possibly wait a second longer than necessary to know whether my pound is still safe. (NB: I would NEVER share that info in advance – that’s an act which should be punishable by being taken outside by that complete tossknob Jeremy Clarkson and being shot, relatives optional.) It's usually a fairly straightforward affair, with a tried and tested source (clearly a BBC employee) posting the correct information online. But this week, online trolling abounded – and the forums were all aghast to hear (incorrectly as we now know) that it was Alex Jones who had gone. (Even the bookies fell for it!) And when I read the ‘Alex Has Gone’ rumour I was sad to think that she was leaving before Robbie – they both confounded my expectations (based on my quick fire first impression judgements of their media personalities) and they both improved throughout, but I do think Alex has the edge overall. However, I was really disappointed with her and James’ Pretty Woman American Smooth – not because of the heel in dress problem (sympathy all the way), but because it just wasn’t very sparky or confident, though I did read after the show that she was actually dancing on an injury, which explains the judges’ generosity and her lack of pizzazz. Mind you, that scarlet dress was properly pizzazzy – to use the technical fashion term. Seriously... WANT. Oh you want that dress too, do you? Well, join the queue, bitches.
However, I won’t be queuing for Aliona’s big pants and white chiffon culottes – not the best look, though she still managed to look slim and slinky, even though my main memories of the Maid Marian look are heavy velvet robes, long black curls and Donovan-levels of brooding intensity. Actually my favourite Maid Marian is this one (CLICKITY CLICK RIGHT 'ERE) – a dance to that tune - now, that I would have liked to see. I’ll be honest, I found this hard to watch, but that’s to be expected – it’s a RUMBA. Harry did the best he could, and wasn’t half bad, but it’s hard to avoid the camp’n’cringe - male hip action should probably only be attempted by highly trained professionals (i.e. not Anton).
But it wasn’t all bad, was it? And best of all... Well, did you all notice? Yes, indeed! The return of the POO SLACKS!!!! Hooray!!! Yeah babies, they are back, back, back and no mistake! Tight round the male area, loose at the ankle, brown nylon galore – hello again old friend. Still disgusting, still amazing.
And what’s more, you wait a whole series, and then two pairs come along at once! Not just Harry in the poo slacks, but Pashrek too! Like the seventies never went away. Pashrek wore them particularly well – every kick and flick was all the more exciting because of all those brown manmade fibres flopping around, enticing us with the possibility of a static electricity-charged hairy ankle flash at any second. And indeed the Kovalev ankles were momentarily revealed on a number of occasions, although – slightly disappointingly - hadn’t been painted green. Surely someone (nay, everyone) in make-up must have volunteered to do a full Pasha body paint?
*IMAGINE*
Now, obviously I’d happily linger on the subject of Pasha’s form or, indeed, the subject of painting things green, but we should probably discuss Chelsee’s jive, no? Not that there’s really much to say beyond ‘bloody ‘eck, that were dead good’, or some such other Northern cliché denoting understated excellence. It’s rare to see such a speedy jive from a celeb and Chelsee managed speed without looking messy and kept it all impressively in time and (phew) in costume. Tess may patronisingly have told her she’s all elegant now, but more interestingly (from an audience voting perspective), Chelsee is also ‘palatably middle-class’ now. She could win this, I think. (Surely, she and Harry are the shoo-in finalists and I doubt Aliona will be able to reign in her crazeballs on a show dance.)
Then again, maybe we shouldn’t completely discount Holly just yet – because that paso was BRILLIANT. Best dance of the night for me. As much as I enjoy a comedy paso (Russell! *sigh*), it’s always so exciting to see a real, fiery, passionate paso doble – and it felt like it had been a while since we’d seen a properly sexed-up one like that. And the Zorro theme was particularly apt for that dance, especially as Artem had excitingly grown a little Zorro tash! Just a few days after Movember ended, but let's all appreciate the effort...
Indeed, on that note, Movember, next year boys? It can’t all be on Bruce. Does Len have a tash? I bet he did in his funkateer days... Oh, they have to do it – Vinthent with a moustache would be AWESOME! And Robin! And Pasha! Etc etc...
Anyway, let’s park the prospect of PashTashFlash - we’d better get on with TessDressMess. When she first appeared on Saturday night, my heart lifted – an elegant long black number! But no. We have jumpsuit. WHY TESS WHY?!?! I realise this is mainly personal taste, as she looked pretty good, figure-wise – but I just loathe jumpsuits. They’re impractical and strange, they flatter basically no-one and look completely ridiculous, and not in a good ‘poo suit’ kind of way. Also, if it had been a gown, I would probably have glossed over the other fault - her triangular pendant, which was essentially an arrow pointing towards her low-slung boobs. Still, I shouldn’t be surprised - we all know that it’s too much to ask that Tess not wear something that directly highlights her (very limited) flaws.
I preferred Sunday’s shiny mini dress – a return to Primarni Beyoncé, with bright yellow hair. Tres Disco Barbie. And in keeping with the recurring retro theme, did you see Tess on Friday’s ITT? What look did she choose for a teatime magazine show? Heavy metal rock star, of course! Big hair, a sleeveless t-shirt (in red lamé) and the shiniest PVC spray-on leggings known to man or womankind; she looked simultaneously preposterous and sexy. No mean feat, even though I’m not sure it’s wise that your female fashion icon of choice should be Jon Bon Jovi in his Living On A Prayer days.
On a more fifties tip (we’re running through all the decades, innit), the Saturday Night At The Movies pro-dance didn’t really blow me away, but I did love the very neat trick of avoiding an Anton latin fiasco by having him out of the main dance and instead projecting him and Erin on to a makeshift cinema screen - as the glamorous foxtroting black and white movie stars that the others went to watch at the drive-in. But was all that syncopated standing up and sitting down about? I imagine they were all on cue, but there was something about James Jordan’s village idiot grin (which was even worse in Sunday's picnic charleston) that made me wonder if he had got his timing right... I’m fairly sure Natalie was shooting him death stares – though it’s possible that her kill-all-rivals bot chip just needed a glitch override.
But enough negativity, cause let’s face it – WHAT A SHOW!!! Maybe there's something to be said for crow-barring a random theme element in there after all! (Let’s face it, no-one’s going to regret Pasha getting his Shrek on.) And although an hour feels too short for a Strictly obsessive like me, it’s always fantastic to see the standard finally reaching some great dance heights, and for the tens to (justifiably) start raining. It’s always like this though - you forget how rubbish the celebs are at the start (which is normal – they aren’t famous dancers, well, apart from the ones that are famous dancers) and then feel all the more delighted when it gets to this stage and becomes a celebrity dance contest, and quality control kicks in.
Next week though – two dances, so you can ignore what I just said about quality control. Chelsee should be an advantage here – she’s used to having only five minutes to learn and perfect a routine. Worryingly, J-Don's got a samba this week, so I fear for my Strictly sweepstake pound. (Then again, no-one wants to see Kristina so upset again, so hopefully my investment is still safe.) I have to say (sorry Alex/Gavin), that I'd be sad to see a final without Holly, Jason, Chelsee or Harry, but I think Teams Holtem, Jamex and Kristina’s Doner Van are all vulnerable, so we shall have to see.
In the meantime, keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-ers creeeeeeeepers, where'd ya get those peeeeeeeeeeeeeepers. (Yes, that is the sound of a barrel being scraped. Sorry.)
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