Farewell Anita, you were very lovely and it was sad to see you leave, but (small voice) it was probably your time to go. You had a seriously enviable figure and looked amazingly youthful during the swingathon, so I'll keep that memory in mind. Of course, it's super harsh for Robin “Tops” Windsor to leave the competition when he wasn't even there to dance in it, but that is how it goes, sadly. Let’s all hope that Bobby’s hurty foot is better and that he'll be sporting some AMAZING string vests or polka dot waistcoats on our screens very very soon. (Brendan, if I'm honest, I can more or less cope with not seeing for a while...)
Now, I don’t know if it was Brendan who took on the choreography, but I was a little disappointed; it seemed to mainly consist of walking (albeit cha cha stylee) with a bit too much Messin' Abahht - all a bit Week 2 in terms of content. I wonder whether Brendan has trouble accepting that the older woman can remember tricky steps (though perhaps Lulu and Jo Wood haven’t been the shiniest previous examples)? Anita has seemed to cope admirably with difficulty. in the past... Perhaps Brendan should have pushed her a bit harder - though I get that it can't be easy having to suddenly dance with a new partner (for pro or celeb). Anyway, hopefully Rentapro won't be needed again now, as it's not ideal for anyone.
As for Other Bottom Two-er (henceforth known as ‘the OBT’), it's clear that the viewers aren't engaging with Holly, for some reason – because her foxtrot was great. I think it's the 'too laid back' thing, which has been the main thrust of her critiques for the past few hundred weeks, so I imagine people aren't sure whether she is giving it *whatever percent is being touted as the most appropriate amount of percent this week* (we must be up to at least 100050% by now). But to me, Holly wasn't holding back this week and pulled out a very slinky performance in that scarlet dress, which must have set some gentlemanly pulses racing. Fortunately Len's ticker was safe from over-excitement, as Holtem’s foxtrot had a bit too much thigh flash and sultry bum wiggle, which we know isn’t to his taste, whatever he might say about his mysterious funkateer past. (I'm imagining some rather groovy outfits in the sixties... tight polonecks and paisley trousers spring to mind, for some reason. Best not to dwell.)
I also felt sorry for Alex – I was expecting compliments from the judges, but they kinda went for her (again). I actually really enjoyed her charleston and thought she had completely mastered the right balance between quirk and gurn (to use the technical terms), though it's true that there was perhaps a little too much jelly-legged flailing. My favourite bit was the lift where Alex was tossed over James' back and she suddenly popped out through James' upper thighs - like James had just given birth to a smiling adult female head. Disturbing, yes, but FUNNY. But anything goes in the charleston, right? It is, after all, a dance where fake swimming is nigh on mandatory.
However, you could see the difference when you compared Alex's charleston to Jason’s, which was (biased *cough*) pretty fantastic, with its multitude of rubber-faced silent movie grimaces (and if Bruno says someone is Botox free, I believe him – he sat near Arlene for years, remember). Indeed, I’d go so far as to say that Jason’s performance was looking like a multitude of tens before the timing of the kicks went awry. (Argh! Donovan! You're killing me!) It was gutting - I was really gunning for them, in spite of Jason's dubious white suit, and not just because of my precious pound, but for Kristina, so adorably keen to succeed, and not in a Natbot win or kill way.
Costume-wise, where did we stand on Kristina's hat? Was she successfully channelling Jean Harlow Eyes and the spirit of the flappers? Or looking more like she'd nicked one of 50 Cent's condom hats and gone mental with the glitter stick?
Chelsee also had a whole load of glitter going on – the glitter dandruff neck’n’shoulders look. I actually found her mauve tango outfit really quite vile – a lycra polo neck dress was not a good look for our Chelsehh, especially with a Croydon facelift. (Don’t take inspiration from Tess, Chels – you have diametrically opposed figures, and fashion is not her friend!) However, Team Pashee’s AT was still fab – it could just have done with a little more tension, perhaps. And HOW she couldn't muster up any Pasha-based lust is completely beyond me. Is she not human?
I wasn't convinced by Robbie's outfit either – I'm not talking about the strip to his strip (badda boom – ching!), which was quite amoosing, but by the satin ribbon running vertically down his chiffon shirt, where the buttons/button holes go, and which goes beyond his waistline, and... well it's hard to explain, but look it up (especially when the celebs first arrive down the stairs), and you'll see that basically the overall effect is to draw maximum attention to his penis. (Gav: “there might as well be an arrow there.”) Fortunately Ola's costume was more subtle (ha!) – again with the bikini top, with a good old fashioned mullet skirt. I really liked her get-up in fact – I love a big sequin. Robbie clearly also likes a big sequin, as he ended up (accidentally?) honking Ola’s boob during the dance and she had to gently lower his hand to her midriff. (Check 1.22 – you can hear the audience having a right old giggle. (Well done, eagle eyes Gav and Abi for both spotting that one.)
So, I think there’s a clear favourite in town now, no? Congrats to Harry for dropping only one little point through the whole show. It must be said that his quickstep was incredibly good and the tens were well deserved. We have a theory in the Strictly Cad house - the redder Aliona's hair, the more personable she is, and the less Aliona-centric and crazeballs her choreography. She's clearly super grumpy without her hair dye – so someone give that girl an endorsement and a lifetime supply of crimson hair dye, ideally something super cheesy like Rumba Red, Salsa Scarlet or Cha Cha Cherry. Though no doubt, she want to call it something subtle like ‘Aliona’s Hair Is The Best’ or similar.
And finally, the Swingathon. Well, it was alright – fun and messy, as ever. (Also, a good insight into Strictly homo-eroticism, as James and Brendan enthusiastically agreed to double-team.) The best thing in the swingathon was the Alex and James aeroplane spin lift, which we saw on multiple occasions, and Ola's hilarious petulant strop as she and Robbie were kicked off. My, how the Len's Lens slo-mo of that made me chuckle.
You may think we’re nearly done with this week’s blog, but I’ve got rather a lot of costume nonsense to bang on about actually. Firstly, let's be honest - whatever my reservations, Aliona's dress was GERT LUSH, as us Bristolians say. TOTAL COVET.
Indeed there were quite a few excellent Saturday dresses this week: Anita's glitterbug, Holly's scarlet, Alex's fringed mint... All of which served to highlight the ill-advised number Tess had gone for on Saturday, which left me TessDressMessPerplexed – why was her bosom due South again? ARGH! What have you done with your good bra, Tess?!!! The Twitter consensus on Tess’ outfit was fairly overwhelming: “AWFUL”. Our very own sweepstaker Vix suggested it was “a cross between wonder woman and rainbow bright and somehow makes her look the size of a house.” (With THREE exclamation marks, to hammer home the point.) It's true that the dress was unforgiving – a return to the droopy boob situation (perhaps that new and improved bra was in the wash) and a discernible tummy shadow - on a woman who I'm fairly sure has a pretty flat stomach (or at least some working spanx). While I had no major conceptual problem with the shape of the dress, and thought the fuchsia and navy colours were potentially great on her (we'll gloss over the weird gold belt), I agree that it just didn't work, especially with that hideous all-to-one-side hairdo, and that stupid long dangling earring - how very Hen Weekend in Tack City.
Also, Tess was totally slouching, which did nothing to help. Has her posture always been so poor? However, as harsh as it is to blame the wearer, rather than the dress, I wonder if Alesha had been wearing it, whether the comments would have been so, um, 'concerned'. (Discuss.) Sunday's TessDress was LessMess – provided you subscribe to the school of thought known as ‘There Can Never Be Too Much Glitter’. (And who doesn’t?)
A few more notes on Sunday's other outfits: Cee-Lo Green's dancers' mirrored cut out catsuits were quite something – Ola must have been taking some serious notes backstage. (My guess is we'll see her in one before Christmas.) And Cee Lo himself - a larger man, you’ll note - wore a peach satin tracksuit; to quote Alesha, "Cee-Lo Green, I commend you". (That's Alesha's way of making it seem like there's a positive in amongst a stinking sea of total dross, right?) Less commendable were the outfits Nat and Kat wore in their Rolling In The Deep pro-dance (the look being 'sexy-smoking-jacket’ meets ‘slashed-to-the-navel’ meets ‘bras-on-show-ladies’), but the dance itself was utterly brilliant – one of the best pro-dances I've seen in a while. (And Natalie was in it, so that is saying summat.) Now then, can they do it again next week wearing monochrome versions of Aliona’s dress, please?
Probably not, as next week is Movie Week – yup, it's Theme Time Radio Hour again (NB: that not hugely hilarious reference will only make sense to fans of Strictly and Bob Dylan – a small, but not insignificant group, I’d wager). Lots of ‘comedy’ to look forward to then. Talking of, did you see the hilarious/awkward Chelsee/Shrek moment? Go to 11.10 – and note especially Claudia’s face at 11.34 – AMAZING.) Is it wrong that I'm quite looking forward to another theme week? It could be fun! Just me then? Ahem. Let's just keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep hoping.
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