Series 9 - Week 8

I know Russell's gone – and we will dwell on the sadness that that brings later – but we need to address the most important issue first.

The zebra trousers.

As worn by Robin.

And Anton.

I can barely breathe.

This has serious consequences regarding my Top 5 Strictly trousers. SERIOUS consequences.

If Ian had been wearing them, it would have been a clear new entry at number 1. As things stand, I'm going joint first. I just can't choose between zebra and red.

Whilst we're on costumes, God knows what happened with Tess's original Saturday outfit, as she can't have actually chosen that blue 'dress' (I use that description loosely) as a first choice – it screamed 'OH MY GOD WE NEED AN EMERGENCY OUTFIT WE'LL JUST HAVE TO WRAP HER IN SATIN CLOTH' like nothing before. Clearly someone sabotaged her first dress (Nancy?), or – worse – Tess had gone back to picking her own clothes, and gone for something TRULY unwearable - and it was starting to look like she'd have to do the show in her pants. I can hear the Wardrobe Mistress now “Oh shit! She can't wear that. You, go, find the first haberdashery in Wembley, get a couple of metres of the cheapest shiny cloth, and we'll just wrap it round her, sure it'll be rubbish, but it will still be an improvement. You, fetch me the staple gun.” TessDressStress. Sunday's red lace was much better – not 100% to my taste, but she wore it well and scarlet looks nice on her.

And now, a moment of respectful silence please. For the passing of Mr Russell Grant from Strictly Come Dancing 2011. *sigh* Russell was simply the best 'comedy' dancer we have seen to date, and the first one that I didn't want out yet. The key, I think, is that we were laughing with Russell, never at him. He got the joke – knew that it was all about performance and was always wonderful to watch - a camp little rotund man with energy, rhythm, spark and bags of charm. I'm going to miss him. As I'm sure Abi will miss her £1.

But at least he went out with a bang – CAUSE HE WAS FIRED FROM A CANNON, YOU SEEEEEEEEEEE. Actually, the cannon went well beyond my expectations – it was brilliant. His little face! (The joyfully surprised toddler look.) The glittery helmet at a jaunty angle! (Possibly just too big for his head.) The yellow satin shirt! (Worn with panache.) All while balanced on a tea tray, several miles up. Excellent work, as ever. Huge congrats to Flavia Cacace, who knew exactly how to choreograph to Russell's strength, like the akimbo handstand with Russell peeking through her legs - “the first and only time he'll be between thighs like that” quoth Gavin. (I'm stealing a whole bunch of Gav AKA Mr Cad quotes this week – he was way funnier than me during the show. Bastard.)

Bye bye Russell. You will be missed.

The other bottom two-er was also a surprise – Valance. I suspect her hideous outfit played a part; as Gav said “she looks like an oompa loompa on the set of Mad Man”. Again they gave her that heinous Essex tan colour (an entire top this time - eww), matched with a snot green skirt (of rather excellent swishing proportions which I'll admit would covet in another colour). I just think someone in wardrobe must hate her, but, frankly, Holly's too skool cool to care - she just wears what she's given anyway, and actually looks all the more beautiful, as the awfulness of the outfit highlights the quality of her facial features.

In other news, Artem's sex injury is gone.

And so, what did we think about Wembley? Well, it was, you know, BIG – so cue lots of frantic running and slightly messy dance moves. Ola got the choreography right though – sod doing an actual salsa, we're going stadium, and matched a Robbie Williams soundtrack with a Robbie Savage strut. Their performance consisted of waving at the crowd, jumping up and down A LOT, with a bit of very impressive Ola-throwing, er, thrown in. (Gavin: “it wasn't a salsa, but it was a tasty dip of some sort.”) Costume-wise, Ola's got her groove back – last week was bikini inspired and this week it's the trademark – the Lace Catsuit: Version Blue Point 0. Also, the biggest perm Wembley has ever seen – and that includes all of Bon Jovi.

Tell you what else Wembley saw – at least six pairs of nipples. It was Man Nip City! Jeez! I couldn't possibly pick my favourite, but hurrah to see Robin back in his natural state – a hot pink silk shirt, with sequinned shoulder detail, no buttons, and utterly pecalicious. It's amazing to think that he had a (very) hurty foot, and has been banned from dancing this week, because his samba bounce was incredible and a masterclass on how it should be done. Sadly, however, it showed that Anita didn't quite have it. I still love Anita, but I'm not sold on her dancing. And it will be interesting to see how I react to her partnership with Brendan, as my bias for Fun Bobby might well have been what I've been gunning for these last few weeks...

Nipples on show for Harry too – against his will to a degree, as a (no doubt jealous) Brendan ripped the shirt from his back in the Tesspit (pec fans were shocked and very much not appalled.) Indeed it's worth going back to the iPlayer (around 00.44.10) not just to see Harry's chest, but to check out a man in the front row, who, when Bruce asked “Wembley, would you like to see Harry with his shirt open?!” didn't respond to the question out loud - but you could tell that inside he was VERY MUCH saying YES PLEASE YES.

Harriona's dance itself was fantastic – points points points for the Eurovision-inspired mid-dance striptease, as Aliona span, and Harry unravelled several metres of red chiffon (Gavin: “ah yes, the reverse Andrex puppy”), and kudos kudos kudos for the lifts – especially the one where Aliona went over Harry's head and landed in the splits between his legs. Wowsers. When Aliona's quirkiness works, it's awesome – and the last two weeks have worked. Harry really is looking like the favourite man celeb right now.

And that's harsh for Jason – he has the attitude and the dedication and seems to be able to deliver the technique, but he doesn't have the same natural effortlessness that the young'uns do. It didn't help that he went wrong in his jive, but I was impressed by his swift recovery. Still, the judges lavished on the praise about the jiving itself, so if he gets through a routine mistake-free, we could be looking at a shower of tens. I think he needs the high scores to stay safe (remember, it's my £1 you're representing Donovan!), as while he's popular, I'm not sure the TV audience have engaged with him as much as, say, Alex Jones, who no-one really expected to like, but has turned out to be hilarious, and is improving greatly - nipping at Jason's heels.

Indeed, Alex topped the leaderboard this week, so she not only nipped the Donovan heels, but ate his whole foot and still had room for dessert (or whatever tortured metaphor might work in this context). I rated her tango face especially, although I think the choreography was slightly swallowed by Wembley. James Jordan wore particularly tight trousers – so after seeing Ola in her catsuit, we now pretty much know how both Jordans look naked. Mmmkay.

However, it was Pasha who got my heart rate going - in a garland and shades in the pre-dance VT. Scuse me while I sit down a while. Chelsee continues to seriously impress – her solo work was particularly good. Alesha commented on her “natural samba bounce” and it's true that she has the bounce, I'm just not sure it's entirely natural... She rocked the Geri dress though, and was demure enough to avoid flashing red knickers Halliwell-style. Instead they stapled the Dell'Olio boa to her bottom – a good look. Chelsee's still the one to watch, I think. Am looking forward to seeing how she handles an Argentine Tango.

And so that was Wembley – very enjoyable, although there was WAY too much Bruce. Goodness me – enough! The Best Of British theme was also a bit forced – the Sunday's sixties group dance was a little weird. But it's always dangerous (and by 'dangerous' I mean 'an error') to include the celebs, though Russell, Harry, Jason and Robbie as The Ballroom Beatles was worth the inclusion. Russell (missing you already) was Paul McCartney or “Flavia's sister” - as he himself said, which was FUNNY. (Although I notice Flavs had changed her Dwayne Dibbley hair this week.) Also Russell suited his wig better than Anita suited her rather severe hairpiece which made her look a little... draggy. (Sorry A.)

Still, the hot sixties dance mess was better than Jessie J and James Morrison singing a dirge to NO PROFESSIONAL DANCERS. What's the point? It's just filler without any dancing in it. I'd have even preferred an Anton rumba. (I lie, of course, there is NO situation in which I would prefer an Anton rumba.) And then we had to suffer Il Divo and their lady choir. In fact Il Divo actually make me chuckle - I bloody love the ridiculousness of their on-stage pomposity and the fact that the BBC clearly had to wait until they were doing Strictly in an full on arena before inviting them on, else there wouldn't have been enough room for Il Divo and their egos.  I also especially like that they look the epitome of their own national stereotype – no-one looks more Spanish than the Spanish Divo, no-one looks more Swiss than the Swiss Divo, and so on with the French and American Divos.   Incredible.   And as sexless as Ken dolls.

And next week is, well, NOW – Week 9 in less than a hour. The excitement!!! So all that remains for me to say is, keeeeeeeeeeeeeeep sitting on the sofa waiting for the show to start. Can't wait!