Clearly the rumba, the dance of
lurrrve, that “vertical expression of a horizontal desire” (as it was so
unforgettably described by Vinthent Simone), was just too much for Ms
Dell'Olio. Am sure we all sympathise
entirely – having to pretend to want to shag Anton would test the likes of
Dench, Streep, Blanchett... Hell, even
Barrowman himself would struggle. It
didn't help, of course, that Nancy spent much of her rumba standing like
Tina Turner, with room for a balloon between her thighs, in a dress that even
Ola might consider revealing. The less
said about the coffin the better.
HOWEVER, I am DELIGHTED that before she
went, we got to see Nancy looking truly magnificent as Morticia Addams in the
opening Halloween group debacle – which, for all its chaotic ‘dancing’ issues,
I flippin' LOVED. Obviously it was
another hot mess – literally: the
acrylic wigs an clear fire hazard – but I really enjoyed Donovan, doing his OTT
ham-tastic Fester and (as ever) Russell, who was inexplicably dressed as a rotund
French man. (I don't remember Pugsley having a Lievremont tash...?) I was just slightly
disappointed that Audley wasn't dressed as The Thing.
But bravo Audley – for escaping exit
and, more importantly, for his enthused fake piano playing. Sure, his jive was a little lumbersome,
but... well, Audley's man mountain size has been well documented already (he’s
TALL in case we hadn’t noticed), though I always find him joyful and engaging, which
is a big part of the Strictly spirit for me. (It must be hard for Natbot though,
for whom the spirit of Strictly is to WIN AT ALL COSTS). I can't remember much about Little Shop of
Horrors, so I have no idea why Natalie was dressed as a frilly fruit cocktail,
but how my feelings for Miss Lowe have changed that I wasn't screaming for her
to be devoured by the plant thing at the end.
Well, much.
Am glad Russell made it through – I
wasn’t too worried, but for the first time he seemed really nervous, his timing
was a little off and it was very obvious when he forgot his steps. The truth is that Russell Grant doesn't need
a theme week to bring the theatricality and showmanship – I think Halloween week
cramped his camp. Having said that, he
did manage to boob-bongo Flavia while pouting, perform his own chesticle shimmy
while panting, shake his VPL at the audience (goodness knows what facial
expression he had then) and produce some proper samba bounce, all while dressed
as a tellytubby dressed as a devil, dancing to Kylie (who then tweeted Russell to see how it went – I imagine he EXPLODED with excitement). I barely noticed Flavia in her black
snakeskin catsuit, but I imagine I wasn't the target audience for that.
After Russell’s samba, Strictly took a
rather unfortunate turn this week. We’ve
had slight wardrobe malfunctions before (notably Lilia - we miss you Liliaaaa - who had to do an entire
cha-cha with her hand on her boob as the strap on her top had broken), but we've not seen a dress stress that mortified the dancer as much as this time - poor
adorable Chelsee. Yes, I've commented before on
her body shape, but that doesn't mean I support breast-related public humilation. Not on anyone! Chelsee looked utterly destroyed afterwards
and I felt extremely sorry for her. It’s
surprising really, that, having successfully reined in the Widdecombe bosoms
for several weeks in 2010, Strictly Come Wardrobe risked stretchy lycra in this scenario, though having said that, the costume dept do seem to know how to keep an area in
check, as I don't actually think anything peeped at all. Chelsee spent most of the dance pressed against
Pasha (*swoon*) and I didn't see anything beyond a little Carry On Cleavage appear
during her twirls (that'll teach me for tweeting during performances), which wasn't indecent or out of the ordinary.
Of course Bruce, ever the professional,
didn't even notice and almost made the whole thing worse by making Chelsee talk
about it, when all she wanted to do was crawl back into the cauldron, check
whether YouTube was already flooded with the clip and cry a lot.
Anyway, in the name of research and public service, I've checked
YouTube, and although a number of clips have been added and been compassionately
tagged things like “Strictly Breast Come Dancing” (which is a pathetic lack of
effort on the pun front), the video evidence strongly suggests you can't see
nuttin, so Chelsee my dear, don't you worry.
As 'Xsasha12345X' so succinctly commented under the video for ‘Chelsee
Nip Slip’: “if ur looking for someones boobs falling out of their top go watch
some
porn!!!!”. Well said Xsasha12345X. (*resists urge to reply to correct spelling
and apostrophes* *recognises that at least Xsasha12345X used the right
'their'*.)
So I'm nearly done on nip-or-no-nip-gate,
but before we move on I would just like to give some special Catherine points
to true gentleman Robin Windsor, for immediately giving Chelsee a scarf to make
her feel less exposed, and also to - and this will shock you - Tess Daly (!!!!)
for showing her true maternal side, and being genuinely sweet and comforting to
a Chelsee-on-the-verge-of-a-nervous-breakdown.
(Don't worry, Tess got her bitch right back on a few dances later by
calling Lulu mad and senile, all for a rubbish batty/bat pun.) Let's just hope this incident doesn't deflate
Chelsee (errr, no pun intended) and she perks up next week (OH BLOODY HELL, I
JUST INNOCENTLY TYPE THESE THINGS, OK?).
Alex Jones was in danger of being
unperky this week (HER DANCING), after being meanly slated by Craig post-rumba. But she did well, in her white nightie and
clip-on hair extensions, dancing around a tombstone with James dressed as The
Count from Sesame Street - an odd choice when he could have opted for
tired and tested vampire hotties like Angel or Eric Northman (*TRUE BLOOD MEGA
SWOON*) or even R-Pattz. (On that note, I’d like to add a personal thanks to
Vix for persuading me to persevere with the Twilight films until that scene
when Team Werewolf With The Pecs gratuitously strips off his T-shirt for no
discernible reason after that irritating sulk Bella has a motorbike crash. My how we laughed at his excellent
priorities.) Am also surprised James
didn't insist on a wig that covered his receding hairline, but hey ho.
To be honest, even though everyone was
in raptures about the Halloween costumes, I found myself noticing the cracks
(um, not literally this week, thank you Alex).
For example, Holly is a stunningly beautiful woman who looks literally
nothing like a man in any way, but during the Addams Family opener I spent a
good few seconds trying to work out which male member of the show they'd
persuaded to don drag, before clocking it was Valance. And fishnet is not Holly's friend, it seems -
after Broadway's granny pants botch job and this week's fairly unforgiving
white swan outfit (nice pins, sure, but they couldn't find a swishy black skirt
to ease the pressure of the steps?), well I'm wondering if Kara Tointon's been
slipping someone in wardrobe a little minor sabotage cash... Am not saying Holly looks rough (helloooo, I
have eyes) but that she's having to work much harder with what she's given. Still, her Black Swan eye make-up was completely
high-levels-of-envy awesome and, like the judges, I was won over by the
balletic American Smooth, even though Artem should have totally taken one for
the team and worn tights. Robin
would've.
However, let's give wardrobe credit
where it's due – this season, and this week in particular, has produced some
absolutely remarkable trousers. Yes, trousers. So, on that note, it's time to
update my Strictly Trousers Hit Parade.
*FANFARE*
Strictlycad's Top 5 Strictly trousers:
1. Ian's red.
2. Anton's gold.
(Anton
put up a fight with his silver sequins, but they were ultimately out-trumped...
Studded leg buckles for all!)
And it was indeed a fine paso from
Robbie, high on the pelvic thrust count, which reduced Bruno to
incomprehensible hysterics. As for Ola
(dressed as a glittery Navajo squaw for precisely no reason), well she does make
me chuckle, but she needs to watch a bit more Snog, Marry, Avoid I think – she hasn't
quite grasped the concept of the make-under, has she? It's less slathering on the white facepaint
and a slap wig and more making someone look, well, nice and ordinary.
In fact I'm a little worried that
Robin's undergoing a make-under – that man must never look anything other than
EXTRAORDINARY. It's the LAW. This week Robin wore three outfits in one:
bottom half: fireman, top half: eccentric aristocrat with spider broach on
cravat, face: Saturday night hen who's lost her friends on the dance floor and
indulged in a heavy session of drunken weeping in the ladies causing some
mascara trauma. Frankly, quite muted by
Robin's standards – can we have the flesh back soon please?
Lulu had also mixed her costumes –
medieval princess meets RoboCop. I note
that Lulu's been surreptitiously improving, so things are going to get tough
for the middling couples now Nancy's gone.
Well done on the flying Lulu! It
actually looked ok! (Um, compared to
Widdecombe.) But really Beeb producers,
was there really any need to show Lulu's batman bodysuit polterwang during the
VT?
Well
done to Dave Arch and his wonderful etc, by the way – not only did Trevor the bassist make the
effort to adorn his pork pie hat with a plastic spider, but the band attempted
some very challenging songs this week; oddly they pulled off Evanescence, but garbled Kylie. And then they did one of my favourites to date:
Psycho Killer. Qu'est-ce que c'est?
Fufufufafa... I'll tell you qu'est-ce que c'est. C'est an Aliona choreography I
enjoyed! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Spooky indeed.
No
doubt my appreciation for Harriona's tango was heavily influenced by Aliona's
weird routines being entirely apt for Halloween Week, but I thought she made excellent
use of excessive violence in dance form, what with the fang bang and vicious death
by head twist.
Question
of the week though: which overmarked-by-Alesha dance was better, Harry's tango or
Jason's quickstep? A tough call. I think the quickstep edged it because of
Kristina's nose twitch and her green chiffon pantaloons. Oh and because I have Jason in the sweepstake
and my little sister has Harry. Sibling rivalry ahoy!
My
sister and I are generally in agreement on matters Strictly though, so I’m sure
she’ll agree that Sunday’s guests, The Wanted, were entirely unwanted. Get thee back to X Factor! They really confused me – I thought boy bands
were only supposed to have one ugly member, but they had at least two munters
in there. They also brought their own
dancers (I object!) in leather corsets and those tacky platform boots you used
to be able to buy in Camden market in the nineties (and still can, I imagine). Even though our Strictly ladies often wear
very teeny and revealing outfits, I truly believe they don’t they don't come off like The
Wanted’s dancers did... you know... slutty.
As my sister put it - they're pros not hoes. And I say that fully aware that Aliona,
Kristina, Natbot and Katbot had just appeared on our screens in cut out
leggings and their bras. No doubt it was
the coloured fringing from their evening gloves that kept it tasteful. Indeed hanging adornments from your gloves
was a running theme – giant cotton wool balls hanging from the white satin
gloves in the pros’ American Smooth.
Now
finally, a moment's quiet please.
ExcessTessDressMessBreastStressYes? No, not
really. It's with a heavy heart that I
must announce that it’s Alesha Dixon's outfit that gets this week's special
mention in Strictlycad's fashion slagging paragraph. *slowly shakes
head* Her Saturday outfit was just so...
WEIRD – a black chiffon top with a large grey blanket folded and folded and
folded again, and stapled to her chest.
I know I said Alesha'd look good in a bin bag, but I'm now wondering.
Interestingly Tess was actually wearing
a bin bag this week! A sequined,
leather-edged, one-shouldered bin bag, which looked alright, if a little roomy
(I’m being generous here – it was only 'alright' in the context of her usual
offerings). Her Sunday dress however, I
frustratingly couldn't make out – it might have been a perfectly ordinary, nice
navy blue satin number with pretty fuchsia waist detail, OR (more likely) it
might have been a perfectly ordinary, nice navy blue satin number with an
ill-advised fuchsia scarf made of feathers and fake flames, randomly tied
around Tess' waist. I couldn't see her
shoes either, but I have a suspicion they matched her lips: nuclear framboise
again - the perfect colour to go with hoops and a Bolton facelift.
So now, with Nancy gone, I think the mid-table
contest begins in earnest – some of the couples left might struggle (Lulu and
Audley especially), but they're all gunning for Blackpool/Wembley and really
really want it 150000000000%. We're
themeless next week (what a relief), so it’s business as usual I'd imagine – so
woe betide anyone who overkills the props and keeps it light on ballroom content. In the meantime, well,
keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep whateveritisyoudoduringtheweek-ing.
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