So let me start by saying, READ IT AND WEEP SUCKERS I GOT JASON DONOVAN IN THE SWEEPSTAKE THAT £14 SWEEPSTAKE POT IS TOTALLY MINE FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW I AM THE BEST WHOO HOO HOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHOO HOO HOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry, was apparently channelling Natalie Lowebot there – apols for the unsightly display of naked gleaming arrogant all-Australian competitiveness, but wowsers Jason! I really wasn't expecting such a stormer from my sweepstakee! So that's what Kristina can do with a competent dancer! It's nice to see.
But first let's re-re-wind to the start. What is that shot of Anton with the serving dish about? I find it sinister, like he's about to reveal Anne Widdecombe's head inside it. But let's get on, roll VT, opening credits are go, I still love Robin's lycra tux with built-in braces, Brucie does his joddery old dance, Tess proves again how terrible a dancer she is, and we're off again, again. Yippee!
So what is Tess wearing today? Eyeliner mainly. She's looking quite Jerry Hall in fact, which can't be bad. In fact the extent of Tess Dress Mess is limited - some passable, but terrifying, Roman stripper sandals and two dresses for the price of one – in black, which is merciful. To be honest, though it's still a little wonky (it's Tess after all) we've seen far worse. How disappointing. I want something vile please next week Tess. There's no point if I can't slate it. Ta love.
All the celebs seem to manage the stairs ok: Nancy's a vision in mint feathers, Robbie's covered up his errant nipple with fushia silk and Aliona/Flavia are having an six-pack off. Flavs edges it, I think.
Then first up Harry Judd-McFly – Bruce makes a terrible 'is that a Scottish budget airline' gag (the likes of which delay proceedings and means they have to cut the pre-recorded pro-dance – utter sacrilege!). In the VT Harry demonstrates his orgasm face, which he calls his 'nervous face' (HA!), and we're reminded of Aliona's mid-week faded pale orange lanky hair. Oddly she hasn't dyed it its usual do-not-adjust-your-sets crimson for tonight's prime time – the first Strictly victim of BBC austerity measures, perhaps? Course she still looks lovely in her costume (a ruffle and some strategically placed glitter spray) and posh Harry's also rather jolly bloody good show old bean - a bit stiff of face and slightly nervous about grabbing Aliona's bottom (and I certainly don't blame her for choreographing that move), but definite competition. Things are hotting up.
And hooray that Sir Brucie FINALLY remembers to introduce Dave Arch and his fabulous orchestra. And MEGA PHEW, BARRY THE BEHATTED BASSIST IS STILL IN THE LINE-UP! We can all tick him off our theoretical Strictly bingo card. Thank God he's not been Arlened.
Poor Erin – still in limbo; they won't kick her off a la Lilia, but they won't give her a winning celeb either. But she's an old pro, resigned to her fate (Anton) so has plenty of experience of non-funny humour, which, let's face it, applies to most of Rory's impressions. Erin clearly finds Rory's impressions properly annoying - it shines through, even though it's been a long time since her face had enough natural flexibility to show that kind of emotion. Anyway, Team Rorin did a bog standard boring but competent enough waltz – exactly as we'd expect. Classic mid-table. Pfff.
Still, there's no need for Rory to worry just yet IMO, as there's no feasible way he'll be leaving before Alex 'annoying and really quite rubbish' Jones. Judging from her VT, she's either a) not very bright, or b) bright enough but pretending to not be very bright. Option a) is unfortunate but irritating, option b) is a smack in the face of feminism, so, no, she's not top of my list. As for James, I used to LOATHE him, til PamJam brought out his good side, but I'm not sure the appeal will be sustained with Smart Alex as his partner. Anyway, he's had a few protein shakes over the summer and indulged in a press up or two in preparation for the show. I suspect it's to compensate for the balding.
Chelsee. Hmmm. She's a mystery to me. Bit trashily fake, could do with a makeunder, but then really sweet and elegant on the dance floor - though she was a bit of a wobbler... Course, we can all think of two reasons why balance might be an issue. Boom boom. Actually, on that boob-related note, did you hear la Daly's tit 'joke' about her: “Our Chelsee – you're the most popular runner oop the stairs”. MIAOW! I know we're all a bit obsessed with the physics of Chelsee's breasts (oh, just me? Well, me and Brendan, who actually fell off his step when Chelsee jogged past) but come on! And besides, although her chest is large (so very, very large), there is literally zero movement in those ballroom bustiers – they held Widde's er, combes and they'll hold Chelsee's healeys. In fact, the scaffolding underneath those dresses is far too sophisticated for any Baywatch bouncing, so ACTUALLY Tess Daly YOUR comment was not just out of place and sexist but INCORRECT, whereas mine was scientific analysis. Educational, yeah? ALRIGHT?
Anyway, Pasha can stay too. Oh yes. Pasha can... Ok. Moving on.
Moving on, somewhat sadly, to Eggwina and Vinthent. Well, she did her best and had some rhythm, but it was fairly awful really (especially in the VT when she described moshing to the Beatles and wanting to cover Vinthent in cream and... JUST NO.) However, Vinthent seems to be getting over the initial shock and his instinctive resistance to touching her and is even able to joke about the situation: “Make love to the camera Edwina” was a good one. A '2' from Craig was harsh, but I do hope her stay on Strictly will be brief – there's only so many curry puns we can deal with. And let's not forget she's a Tory, so she has to be voted out soon - that's just korma. Oh yes! *bows*
Also, I hope Edwina doesn't forget her ballroom under-girdle, I don't want to see her saag aloo. HAHAHA *graciously accepts the applause*.
Oh, I hear Edwina's written some novels. Trash? Or is she a good raita? *You're too kind!* *enough*.
And then Nancy. I'm still not entirely sure what happened there. Possibly Anton had planned for them to spend half the routine with their ankles trapped in a peppermint feather boa, to disguise the fact that Nancy didn't know what the hell she was doing... Or possibly she did know what to do, but couldn't precisely because they were trapped in the boa and it was an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction. It was WEIRD. Either way, she's awesome value - blink and you might have missed it, but her Obama comment genuinely made me chuckle: “eee was also fifteeey thees year, eee celebrated ees birthday, but eee didn't call meeee. Eeeee must have been beeee-zeeee. *coy giggle*”. Go Nancy! (That was the only thing she said all night that I actually understood, mind.) I still think the latin next week will be a treat, apart from the inevitability of being forced to look upon the de Beke chest hair.
And then our Jason. Well. I wasn't sure that he'd make ladies of a certain age (33) feel the swoon again, but Jason Donovan is BACK BACK BACK. Take that Kylie! Take that Guy Pearce! Take that, um, the guy that used to play Joe Mangle! And the twins! (Oh and Alan 'Jim Robinson' Dale who did actually get cast in Ugly Betty and 24 AND married a beauty queen or something.) Anyway, excellent cha cha cha and excellent VT. Mulletwatch – CHECK. Especially For You – CHECK. Incredible long red coat of nineties hideousness on Top Of The Pops - CHECK CHECK CHECK. As I was saying to Marfany at the birthday drinks on Friday (and FYI I'm *still* a bit hungover - ergh), he has a very Australian approach to this – serious and competitive, which could be dislikeable, but he managed to look happy and relaxed on the dance floor. Go Team Kristina's Doner Van! Bring home the kebab!
Also, I love Kristina's big new fake hair. I SAID HAIR.
So now we have to wait another week for more. *WAAAH*. AND with no Claudia to ease us through the pain! *DOUBLE WAAAH*. Still, am hopeful that Zoe Ball on It Takes Two will be watchable and all will not be lost - though there was no need to style her all Single White Female with the Claudia fringe and baggy blouse on already. Zoe is blonde and twice Claudia's height, oh, and not overtly crackers, so we're not going to get confused.
And that is that, my friends. Just one thing left to say, innit. A-keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep dancin'.
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