Series 9 - Week 2

So my little cousin used to have this amazing Barbie collection, of (probably) thirty or so dolls – so many that she couldn't really keep track of them all, and I'd often find one stuffed down the back of the toy cupboard, half dressed, legs akimbo, blonde locks in a dreadful state; static nylon hair sticking out in all directions, matted to high heaven – unrescuable without resorting to the kitchen scissors and turning her into Eighties Feminist Barbie. Sad times. But what relevance I hear you cry? Well, I was instantly reminded of this tragic toy story when Tess appeared on our Saturday screens with her hedge-drag backcombed hairdo, looking like a cut price Beyonce. Tess Tress Mess, if you will. I mean the dress itself had a certain purple sequined funkiness to it (usual wonky boobs aside), but would a hairbrush be too much to ask for?

But on Sunday she looked - shock horror gasp – well, quite nice, in a nude crossed neck thing (oh yes, I know all the f ashion terms, me), which - shock horror gasp – DID NOT GIVE HER WONKOID BOOBS! (And as I'm feeling generous, I'll gloss over the weird metal milkshake beaker on her arm and her ungainly stripper clodhoppers.) In fact it it was the lovely Claudia who had donned a slightly, um, curious satin creation, but she's just had a tiny baby, so actually she can do whatever the hell she wants. Claudia... She's still got it, hasn't she? One question in, and BAM, Robbie Savage hair joke. Love her.

Good to see the return of the Sunday show, with its oversexed pro-dance and the guessing game of 'will this week's celebrity singer be too precious to let the Strictly pros perform to their song and insist on keeping their own backing dancers' (answer: yes, Will Young *is* too precious, though not so precious as to ensure his backing man-dancers have sturdy wigs – I was expecting one of those black mop tops to fly off and perhaps whack Len or Prescott in the face). I also very much enjoyed Sunday's new feature, 'Len's Lens', which featured slow mo close ups of certain dance moves – Russell's 'salsa' face... Just.... Wow.  In fact, in honour of Len's Lens, I've decided to to implement a (possibly) regular Len-based feature called Len's Boo Boos, in which I simply list all the offensive things Len managed to trot out that week, so here we go:

1. “They let anyone in these days” on reacting to Craig becoming a British citizen (nothing like a bit of casual racism).
2. Employment of that heinous phrase “calm down dear” in patronising response to Chelsee's energetic dancing (he joins other illustrious users MichaelWinner and David Cameron – need I say more?).
3. Incitement to violence as a way of dealing with detractors (telling Audley to punch Craig – it was last week but whatevs).
4. Calling Scotsman Rory Bremner “English” (the BBC complaints line will be going mental).
5. Shamelessly admitting to “a crafty glance up Nancy's dress”. Just too much information.
6. Two vagina jokes.

But enough - to business, and the contest! And this week, the demise of Edwina Curry. Terry aside - given his £1 investment - is anyone sad to see Edwina leave? Vinthent isn't, that's for sure! He was thinking “gracie a dio, only one more contractual obligation on the It Takes Two sofa, and I'm done with the old perve.” To be honest, she wasn't the worst we've ever seen, but I do think it was her time, which is harsh when it's week two, but she was justifiably compared to a bendy bus negotiating a roundabout (love you Bruno), which is fairly telling. 

Of course Edwina's exit does mean that that's it on the curry puns already. Hey, it's no big dahl.

And at least Edwina can take it jalfrezi now.

Besides, I'm not sure I could have handled seeing her dance again – it would have been a masala (er, massacre... Too far?)

Ghee hee hee! (GEDDIT?!?! GHEE hee hee!)

And what about The One That Got Away (AKA Strictly Does Racism)? Poor Audley, he wasn't second worst, or even third or fourth. Russell aside, I think he was probably the finest of the male salsas; Lobb On looked very clunky and Rory is still going that sinister Tony Blair grin. (Russell of course, was in a class of his own. DID YOU SEE HIS SLEEVES?!!! Amazing.) No, I was pleasantly surprised by Audley - dressed as a funky reject from Star Trek (Gav's line), he looked like he was having a whale of a time, had his moves down pat and even managed error-free armeography (which lovely Anita didn't). Sure, it was disco dad dancing, but there's plenty of room for (joyful) disco dad dancing in the second week – not bottom two worthy at all. Though obviously it's always hilarious to see Natbot's circit board in danger of furiously overheating. (Ghee hee hee.)

Question: Who is deader behind the eyes, Natalie Lowe or Alex Jones?
It's a tough call, but hopefully It Takes Two will look into it at some point.

Alex Jones did look gorgeous, and was genuinely much improved. Apparently using tazers to force your celeb to learn their steps is not only fine, but effective. Well done both Jordans, in fact - both James and Ola really showed off their teaching abilities; Robbie Savage too was far better this week too, though both he and Alex were helped hugely by classic Jordan choreography. Also, Robbie manfully dealt with a sequined umbrella and wasn't too distracted by Ola flesh flash (that dress looked quite decent, but yegods Grandma, what strategically-placed slits you have! Even when she's covered, she's uncovered!). As for Alex and James – you know its good when Len doesn't complain that the opening bit (when she snogged Prescott behind a large feather fan) comprised of “far too much messin' abahht”.

Also, can I just say that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HAVING DIFFICULTY REMEMBERING LEFT AND RIGHT.

Gavin has determined what confuses him about our Chelsee – the things that should be small are big and the things that should be big are small. He may be right, but I was far too distracted by her AMAZING white fringed pantaloons and her genuinely excellent dance ability and all round sass to assess her proportions in much detail (apart from her crazy boobs, obviously, no-one can miss them.) Also Pasha was on screen. Ah Pasha.

I'm wondering if Chelsee even has the edge on Valance... Valance is dead good though, isn't she? Like Alesha said... (I know!!! Agreeing with Alesha!!! You know, I think she's *finally* won me over, a hundred series later! And she hasn't said 'you woz' once yet!!!!) Anyway like Alesha said, Holly just needs to let go a little and she'll be right on it, even when forced to wear a fifties swimming cossie with a bum ruff down the back.

Of course neither of them have yet matched up to Jason 'taking this slightly too seriously' Donovan, who is rather good at ballroom too – it's almost like he's been professionally trained in musical theatre... Alesha said she was seduced by Jason - well, she's of that age - but I suspect a number of eyes were actually on Kristina: Who Framed Rampant Rabbit (that's Gav again – he's nicking all the best bloody lines).

(I have to say, it feels like I've been blogging forever, and there are still FOUR couples to dissect! OK onwards, then.)

Lulu can't really ballroom dance, but who cares - all I can see when I look at Lulu is how bloody youthful she looks. A vision in turquoise feathers – and I mean that in a good way. By the way, can we all take a look at Brendan's face and see where we stand on Brendan's-Had-A-Facelift-Gate? He swears he's just had a haircut...

As for Harry, well, snore. He was clinically competent, but boring; very good, but there is zero chemistry between him and Aliona – it feels like a missed opportunity. I'm actually going right off Aliona these days; while she can dance (boy can she dance), her choreography and teaching skills seem less impressive (she's put out some downright dance floor stinkers in previous years) and she's actually incredibly snotty and arrogant. Looks like Natalie Lowe's getting some respite, as my ire turns to Arrogant Aliona and her stupid faded stupid hair, which is totally stupid.

Anita I love, but I barely noticed her tiny nipped in waist and Minnie Mouse on crack/crazy cocktail waitress outfit, or even her enjoyable cartoon salsa and slightly messy armeography, because I only had eyes for one pure and beautiful thing – ROBIN WINDSOR'S SLASHED TO THE NAVEL POLKA DOT LYCRA WAISTCOAT. To be honest, the rest of the show could have been complete gash and I'd have still come away happy after seeing that outfit. (Please Gods of Strictly, next week can we see Robin in the waistcoat, but perhaps matched with a man variation on Chelsee's fringed trousers, possibly in chaps form – err, but with dotty pants? Thanks!)

Little insight into Gavin/Catherine domestic bliss:
Gav: I didn't realise Anita was married to Brain May.
Me: Oh yes. They have the same hair. That's the whole point.

And then it was Nancy's turn, introduced by Bruce flossing his bum with a mint boa whilst singing 'la Cucaracha'. Urgh. You always fear the worst with an Anton latin, and the worst always materialises; Anton gurning and shunting his partner around the floor, not bothering to have taught her anything. At least we were spared his chest rug this time. (Aliona, take heart, Anton is still bottom of my hate list.) Last time his tactic was 'pretend to go wrong and blame it on the boa', this time it was 'Nancy, don't worry about dancing, just point your jiggly bottom at Len' – and it garnered a 5, so it wasn't a total disahhhhster, but no-one seemed that happy with the outcome, least of all Nancy. I have no idea what she actually said, but she frowned, pointed at her knee and I think I made out 'injury' 'Cinderella' and 'wheelchair'. Go figure.

And that, my dance fan friends, is that. Lots of good stuff to come, though I remain unconvinced that next week's Broadway Night will provide that much ofit. But all we know the drill and we're all still dead excited, aren't we? AREN'T WE? Yes! And to that end, we'll all keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep watching.