Now then, cast your minds back. Back to before Wembley, and a time when your ears weren't ringing from mass arena-based screaming and a yellow clad Russell Grant hadn't been fired out of a cannon (and out of the contest *sniffsniffsniff* - more on that later, viewers). For now, let us go back to a time when we (finally) said goodbye to Audley Entertaining and Natalie 'Natbot' Lowe – to the surprise of precisely no-one. Natbot knew the time had come – it looked like she'd had her face botoxed to oblivion, to hide any rage at not winning – or perhaps it was time for a fresh new fembot skin service. But Lowe (geddit?!? Like ‘Lo!’ - oh yessss, kerching, did you miss me?!), the exit was inevitable. To be honest, Natbot, I didn't loathe you this series, so let's call that progress! And I liked Audley Entertaining and his casual wedding guest dance style – he might have lumbered a little (did you know he has size five hundred feet and is seventeen miles tall?), but he always looked like he was having an excellent time of it. (And he was sooooo sweet to his clearly devastated fellow bottom-two-er, Anita.) But all such things must end, and so, adios Audley, and Marf's quid.
Anita in the Bottom Two did seem surprising, but Justine and I were discussing Anita the other day, and although we really like her when she’s being interviewed, but we're less and less sold on her dancing. I think she looks a bit crazed and pointy (apart from her toes, the one, well, two things that should be - oh the irony). Having said that, the judges always praise her, which suggests her technique is strong (or she's being lined up for the tour). Also, she is still LOVELY, dancing with Robin (who is also LOVELY) and she handled Bruce's super rude age joke about her very well (using the tried and tested technique of 'politely ignoring'.)
As for LOVELY Robin, he was happily a little more naked than he has been in previous weeks – I'd estimate that at least the top seven buttons of his purple silky shirt were undone, so we got some saucy pec glimpse. You tease, Bobby! Teasing was the order of the day, in fact - he even went so far as to actually faux-strip in the VT. (Shame on you BBC for not allowing us to see Robin in his pants.) He also wore a red hat and braces – but of course. Inspirational.
Also back to her more naked usual self – Ola! Channelling the elegance and sophistication of the American Smooth in a long silk skirt and mint bikini top. I’d just like to include a ‘let’s big-up Ola’ interlude here: I used to really dislike her, thinking she was a pouty sullen little madam, and then along came Chris Hollins and bam – we saw the light! We met hilarious sarky Olachops and learned to appreciate her impeccable comedy timing and her Polish-Essex hybrid accent. *Ola iz great interlude ends*. As for her dance partner, well Robbie turned in a passable but forgettable ballroom performance. He's better when he gets to thrust.
Like Ola, Alex Jones has also unexpectedly won me round with her comedic talents (whether they’re conscious or not). As for the dance, well she and James and a sinister Jamesalike rag doll (too disturbing to discuss in any further detail) did a lively, messy jive, dressed as cheerleaders. To be honest I'm a little sad that they didn’t a) use pompoms, b) dress James up as a quarterback and c) spell out any words using their pants.
Some TRUE FACTS about cheerleading:
TRUE FACT #1: George W. Bush was a cheerleader. (I'm not sure how he coped with the spelling, pants or no pants.)
TRUE FACT #2: The best cheerleading film is Bring It On, and is a cinematic masterpiece.
TRUE FACT #3: There are four (YES FOUR) sequels to Bring It On. My sister owns them all.
Another TRUE FACT was that Harry turned in the finest performance. (Of course by 'true fact' I mean 'in my entirely subjective opinion'.) And although I still think they should reserve the Argentine Tango for the semi finals, to conserve a sense of reward and drama, I did think this was the first dance to (arguably) deserve 10s. It started out a little on the slutty side (a slutty Aliona choreography? Shocking!), but then Aliona reigned it in, and they got the smoulder-slutty balance about right – whatever Len's pickled walnuts might have thought about it being lacking in tension (jet-lagged indeed). I've always thought it was quite hard for blondes to pull off a tango, but it's clear to me that it's even harder for whatever-colour-hair-Aliona-has. How to describe it? It's the colour of a brand new 2p, but not shiny... Like a faded bottle red where the dry shampoo hasn't quite been rubbed in properly... A kind of mushed up autumn leaf on the pavement colour... Anyway, am sure it's hugely popular in the sample hair colour catalogue. (I've never really been a hair-dyer - do they still have those fake curls in books to show the different colours, or did that go out in the eighties?)
By the way, is it just me, or is it weird that the non-Harry members of McFly no longer look like teenagers, but sort of still do...? They are now tattooed man-boys and it disturbs me.
Talking of popstars who look a confusing indeterminate age, KYLIE! *Message from Kylie alert!* *Message from Kylie alert!* Actually, I thought it was quite mean to feature her in Jason's pre-dance VT and get her to purr about how much she enjoyed shagging him 23 years ago (subtext: I am now a global superstar and you are ballroom dancing at teatime, but you were cute with that mullet). Firstly, I'm fairly sure that seeing your ex just before you're about to perform would put you off a bit, and secondly, we were then all too busy remembering how they used to be at it, to focus on the waltz. Though perhaps that was a canny move – waltzes are generally dull, aren't they? Even the foreign spinny kind. But, Jason did well – considering all that. Well done Team Doner Van – keep ‘em coming. I'm still confident that my pound might blosson into £14...
(Also, just to terrify you a little and put those 23 years into perspective - Kylie and Jason's lurve making is old enough for them to have genuinely been Chelsee’s parents. Make of that what you will.
Our Chelsehh – still adorable, still can't help starring at her boobs. Nice enough foxtrot and it was the pro that did the faffing abaaht this week; I did like the very persuasive fake piano playing from Pasha – at first I thought he might actually have been playing, but the giveaway was the piano melody carrying on after he'd stepped away from the grand. I don't really remember the dance as I was too busy cringing at the (usually excellent) singers' atrocious tuning. Dave Arch will need to have words.
Oh and Strictly bingo cards out – a long overdue bitchswipe from Tess to Chelsee. “Sophisticated – ever been called that before?” Textbook smackdown – la Daly's back in the zone.
Artem's sex injury was still playing up, so in stepped Brendan (even though we all know that Ian Waite should always be the official stand in pro. Or Brian! Oh Brian. I miss him, with his all-American you-betcha attitude and Thunderbird monobrow. Still, let us all be mightily relieved that Anton wasn't asked to rumba with Holly - vomvomvom).
But what was Holly wearing (again)? They seemed to have stapled a pink sheet to an ice-skating leotard and given her Essex skin-tone flesh-coloured tights – so her arms were about fifteen shades lighter than her legs. And besides even if she weren't suffering the paleness of an English autumn, she wouldn't tan orange - she's Australian! Anyway, she did pretty well for a rumba – I didn't have to turn away from the screen in embarrassment many times at all!
And then there was Russell. Oh Russell. It's important to savour every Russell moment now, of course *sigh*. Wise Flavia knows that if it ain't broke, there's no need to fix it – so she opted for an American Smooth to one of the very few songs that would challenge I Will Survive in a camp-off. (The other contender is, of course, Never Been To Me by Charlene, which would have been PERFECT for a Russell rumba - *WEEPS!* #bestthingswewillneversee
(Actually while I’m on the subject of amazing camp songs, my personal favourites - which I guarantee will make you instantly happy - are: Dance Magic Dance and the wholly underrated country tune ‘What’s Good For The Goose’ by Dottie West. I will forever be indebted to my friend Owen Duff for introducing me to that one. Amazing. Robin to solo line-dance to it in cowboy hat and glitter chaps, please.)
Anyway, back to Russell – once again, out he went and although it was never going to be as great as the polka dot paso, he offered up joyful arm flailing, multiple star jumps, glittery guyliner and a costume change, so I will take that very happily. Yes indeed, Russell issss what he isssssss, and what he issssss, issssss... apparently a gold lamé suit.
Talking of costume changes (wishful thinking), Saturday Week 7 saw TessDressMess looking a vision in pea green sequins (so not her colour) and sporting an unfortunate belt situation which caused unsightly bulging in her lady area. Shame. I did quite like her Sunday white dress though – even though the front panel seemed to be made from an Ikea sofa throw. And STOPTHEPRESS, I genuinely liked Tess' HAIR on Sunday! Yes, that loose side pony tail! Who'd have thunk it?! Elsewhere (well, behind the judges' desk) Alesha wore what looked like an odd but innocuous frill round her chest, and it wasn't until she stood up that you realised that the dress was ridge overload – like a starchy white Christmas tree. Gulp. On the plus side, Alesha has the most amazing shiny hair – vinyl Timotei.
I'm still not sure about Flavia's hair – she's clearly GORGEOUS, but (and forgive me if I've said this before) but this season’s haircut makes her look a bit like, well, Dwayne Dibbley. A stunningly pretty, lovely, cute, professional lady dancing Dwayne Dibbley, but... Dwayne Dibbley nonetheless. (Or in Gavin’s opinion, Victoria Wood.) I'm not sure that Flavs was helped by the white sailor/pussy bow crop top in Sunday's Andrews Sisters-inspired pro dance. However that dance was one of my pro favourites so far - partly as it involved Pasha literally (literally!) jumping over Ms Cacace. (I know she's dinky, but still!) And it was nice to see little Vinthent out and about, in a shiny nylon white shirt – though he’s still not quite his irrepressible Italian Pony self, is he? I still think he's faintly traumatised after his time with Edwina Curry Puns (she drove him jalfrezi). I so miss his VTs - if anyone can dig out clips of him describing Rachel Stevens as “shaking like a leaflet” or the time that he fell backwards off the chair, I will be eternally grateful.
Also good: pro dance #2 - Jar of Hearts lady – piano covered in tea lights - Robin and Kristina – lots of throwing - lovely. And while I'm feeling happy and generous, I won't slate what could have been excruciating – the ultimate men of gurn’n’cringe: Anton du Bek and André Rieu (looking like a fatter James May in a tux with a fiddle). I actually found the whole thing hilarious – Anton all but ignoring Erin and performing a number of show-off high leg kicks and spins, in front of a full blown orchestra of Marie Antoinettes astride cellos, apart from a Swiss male brass section (women playing trombones! Imagine! Whatever next – the vote?!) and a lone percussionist stuck on the balcony having to wait pretty much the whole of the song before he finally got to spend a few bars having a go on his timpani. (Not a euphemism.)
And next week Wembley! (Except, of course, that Wembley's already happened and we know how that panned out – but more of that in the next few days, for the iPlayer is a friend indeed, so I'll get my Week 8 blog on soon. I've already seen the first five minutes and yegods! SEQUINED ZEBRA PRINT TROUSERS!!!!! Things are looking interesting...)
Keeeeeeep keep toot toot.
Anita in the Bottom Two did seem surprising, but Justine and I were discussing Anita the other day, and although we really like her when she’s being interviewed, but we're less and less sold on her dancing. I think she looks a bit crazed and pointy (apart from her toes, the one, well, two things that should be - oh the irony). Having said that, the judges always praise her, which suggests her technique is strong (or she's being lined up for the tour). Also, she is still LOVELY, dancing with Robin (who is also LOVELY) and she handled Bruce's super rude age joke about her very well (using the tried and tested technique of 'politely ignoring'.)
As for LOVELY Robin, he was happily a little more naked than he has been in previous weeks – I'd estimate that at least the top seven buttons of his purple silky shirt were undone, so we got some saucy pec glimpse. You tease, Bobby! Teasing was the order of the day, in fact - he even went so far as to actually faux-strip in the VT. (Shame on you BBC for not allowing us to see Robin in his pants.) He also wore a red hat and braces – but of course. Inspirational.
Also back to her more naked usual self – Ola! Channelling the elegance and sophistication of the American Smooth in a long silk skirt and mint bikini top. I’d just like to include a ‘let’s big-up Ola’ interlude here: I used to really dislike her, thinking she was a pouty sullen little madam, and then along came Chris Hollins and bam – we saw the light! We met hilarious sarky Olachops and learned to appreciate her impeccable comedy timing and her Polish-Essex hybrid accent. *Ola iz great interlude ends*. As for her dance partner, well Robbie turned in a passable but forgettable ballroom performance. He's better when he gets to thrust.
Like Ola, Alex Jones has also unexpectedly won me round with her comedic talents (whether they’re conscious or not). As for the dance, well she and James and a sinister Jamesalike rag doll (too disturbing to discuss in any further detail) did a lively, messy jive, dressed as cheerleaders. To be honest I'm a little sad that they didn’t a) use pompoms, b) dress James up as a quarterback and c) spell out any words using their pants.
Some TRUE FACTS about cheerleading:
TRUE FACT #1: George W. Bush was a cheerleader. (I'm not sure how he coped with the spelling, pants or no pants.)
TRUE FACT #2: The best cheerleading film is Bring It On, and is a cinematic masterpiece.
TRUE FACT #3: There are four (YES FOUR) sequels to Bring It On. My sister owns them all.
Another TRUE FACT was that Harry turned in the finest performance. (Of course by 'true fact' I mean 'in my entirely subjective opinion'.) And although I still think they should reserve the Argentine Tango for the semi finals, to conserve a sense of reward and drama, I did think this was the first dance to (arguably) deserve 10s. It started out a little on the slutty side (a slutty Aliona choreography? Shocking!), but then Aliona reigned it in, and they got the smoulder-slutty balance about right – whatever Len's pickled walnuts might have thought about it being lacking in tension (jet-lagged indeed). I've always thought it was quite hard for blondes to pull off a tango, but it's clear to me that it's even harder for whatever-colour-hair-Aliona-has. How to describe it? It's the colour of a brand new 2p, but not shiny... Like a faded bottle red where the dry shampoo hasn't quite been rubbed in properly... A kind of mushed up autumn leaf on the pavement colour... Anyway, am sure it's hugely popular in the sample hair colour catalogue. (I've never really been a hair-dyer - do they still have those fake curls in books to show the different colours, or did that go out in the eighties?)
By the way, is it just me, or is it weird that the non-Harry members of McFly no longer look like teenagers, but sort of still do...? They are now tattooed man-boys and it disturbs me.
Talking of popstars who look a confusing indeterminate age, KYLIE! *Message from Kylie alert!* *Message from Kylie alert!* Actually, I thought it was quite mean to feature her in Jason's pre-dance VT and get her to purr about how much she enjoyed shagging him 23 years ago (subtext: I am now a global superstar and you are ballroom dancing at teatime, but you were cute with that mullet). Firstly, I'm fairly sure that seeing your ex just before you're about to perform would put you off a bit, and secondly, we were then all too busy remembering how they used to be at it, to focus on the waltz. Though perhaps that was a canny move – waltzes are generally dull, aren't they? Even the foreign spinny kind. But, Jason did well – considering all that. Well done Team Doner Van – keep ‘em coming. I'm still confident that my pound might blosson into £14...
(Also, just to terrify you a little and put those 23 years into perspective - Kylie and Jason's lurve making is old enough for them to have genuinely been Chelsee’s parents. Make of that what you will.
Our Chelsehh – still adorable, still can't help starring at her boobs. Nice enough foxtrot and it was the pro that did the faffing abaaht this week; I did like the very persuasive fake piano playing from Pasha – at first I thought he might actually have been playing, but the giveaway was the piano melody carrying on after he'd stepped away from the grand. I don't really remember the dance as I was too busy cringing at the (usually excellent) singers' atrocious tuning. Dave Arch will need to have words.
Oh and Strictly bingo cards out – a long overdue bitchswipe from Tess to Chelsee. “Sophisticated – ever been called that before?” Textbook smackdown – la Daly's back in the zone.
Artem's sex injury was still playing up, so in stepped Brendan (even though we all know that Ian Waite should always be the official stand in pro. Or Brian! Oh Brian. I miss him, with his all-American you-betcha attitude and Thunderbird monobrow. Still, let us all be mightily relieved that Anton wasn't asked to rumba with Holly - vomvomvom).
But what was Holly wearing (again)? They seemed to have stapled a pink sheet to an ice-skating leotard and given her Essex skin-tone flesh-coloured tights – so her arms were about fifteen shades lighter than her legs. And besides even if she weren't suffering the paleness of an English autumn, she wouldn't tan orange - she's Australian! Anyway, she did pretty well for a rumba – I didn't have to turn away from the screen in embarrassment many times at all!
And then there was Russell. Oh Russell. It's important to savour every Russell moment now, of course *sigh*. Wise Flavia knows that if it ain't broke, there's no need to fix it – so she opted for an American Smooth to one of the very few songs that would challenge I Will Survive in a camp-off. (The other contender is, of course, Never Been To Me by Charlene, which would have been PERFECT for a Russell rumba - *WEEPS!* #bestthingswewillneversee
(Actually while I’m on the subject of amazing camp songs, my personal favourites - which I guarantee will make you instantly happy - are: Dance Magic Dance and the wholly underrated country tune ‘What’s Good For The Goose’ by Dottie West. I will forever be indebted to my friend Owen Duff for introducing me to that one. Amazing. Robin to solo line-dance to it in cowboy hat and glitter chaps, please.)
Anyway, back to Russell – once again, out he went and although it was never going to be as great as the polka dot paso, he offered up joyful arm flailing, multiple star jumps, glittery guyliner and a costume change, so I will take that very happily. Yes indeed, Russell issss what he isssssss, and what he issssss, issssss... apparently a gold lamé suit.
Talking of costume changes (wishful thinking), Saturday Week 7 saw TessDressMess looking a vision in pea green sequins (so not her colour) and sporting an unfortunate belt situation which caused unsightly bulging in her lady area. Shame. I did quite like her Sunday white dress though – even though the front panel seemed to be made from an Ikea sofa throw. And STOPTHEPRESS, I genuinely liked Tess' HAIR on Sunday! Yes, that loose side pony tail! Who'd have thunk it?! Elsewhere (well, behind the judges' desk) Alesha wore what looked like an odd but innocuous frill round her chest, and it wasn't until she stood up that you realised that the dress was ridge overload – like a starchy white Christmas tree. Gulp. On the plus side, Alesha has the most amazing shiny hair – vinyl Timotei.
I'm still not sure about Flavia's hair – she's clearly GORGEOUS, but (and forgive me if I've said this before) but this season’s haircut makes her look a bit like, well, Dwayne Dibbley. A stunningly pretty, lovely, cute, professional lady dancing Dwayne Dibbley, but... Dwayne Dibbley nonetheless. (Or in Gavin’s opinion, Victoria Wood.) I'm not sure that Flavs was helped by the white sailor/pussy bow crop top in Sunday's Andrews Sisters-inspired pro dance. However that dance was one of my pro favourites so far - partly as it involved Pasha literally (literally!) jumping over Ms Cacace. (I know she's dinky, but still!) And it was nice to see little Vinthent out and about, in a shiny nylon white shirt – though he’s still not quite his irrepressible Italian Pony self, is he? I still think he's faintly traumatised after his time with Edwina Curry Puns (she drove him jalfrezi). I so miss his VTs - if anyone can dig out clips of him describing Rachel Stevens as “shaking like a leaflet” or the time that he fell backwards off the chair, I will be eternally grateful.
Also good: pro dance #2 - Jar of Hearts lady – piano covered in tea lights - Robin and Kristina – lots of throwing - lovely. And while I'm feeling happy and generous, I won't slate what could have been excruciating – the ultimate men of gurn’n’cringe: Anton du Bek and André Rieu (looking like a fatter James May in a tux with a fiddle). I actually found the whole thing hilarious – Anton all but ignoring Erin and performing a number of show-off high leg kicks and spins, in front of a full blown orchestra of Marie Antoinettes astride cellos, apart from a Swiss male brass section (women playing trombones! Imagine! Whatever next – the vote?!) and a lone percussionist stuck on the balcony having to wait pretty much the whole of the song before he finally got to spend a few bars having a go on his timpani. (Not a euphemism.)
And next week Wembley! (Except, of course, that Wembley's already happened and we know how that panned out – but more of that in the next few days, for the iPlayer is a friend indeed, so I'll get my Week 8 blog on soon. I've already seen the first five minutes and yegods! SEQUINED ZEBRA PRINT TROUSERS!!!!! Things are looking interesting...)
Keeeeeeep keep toot toot.
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