2014 Christmas Special

Roll VT... 

It's a panto theme. "Oh no it..." ARGHHH SHUT UP!" (I do not care for panto.)

Anton in drag.  Ahem.  Literally gets dragged off the floor by Natbot. (Hopes of quality starting to fade.)

Oh great, it's Bruce again. *rolls eyes* *reaches for fast forward button* *thanks God for a year of Claudia and enforced retirements*

Tess is wearing silver and gold. (Shockingly limited dressmess.) Her already usually good hair is a Christmas miracle. 

Let's see whether these slebs can still dance!

Hollins still iffy but charming (Ivetastillmazing). 

Rachel still excellent but clinically beige. 

Russell still an enthusiastic hot mess.

Sophie still elegant yet wildly overrated. (Also 'Panto prince' can be removed from the 'Aljaž costume fetish' list - not even those cheekbones are working for that one.)

Riley still nowhere near as good as she thinks or Craig claims she is. 

Louis still annoying but competent. 

(And Aliona surprises by providing my favourite, well, least worst, dance of the night.)

Fucking Bruce is inexplicably allowed to tap dance and croon for several minutes (*fury and immediate fast forward using the x32 function*).

Natbot and Ian Waite do Cinderella - hooray!  Well, YOU'D THINK, but their dancing is immediately muffled by the other couples filling the dance floor.  Boo hiss boo. (But not in a panto way ALRIGHT.  Sulking.)

Louis wins. No-one really cares or is surprised. 

And they all lived happily ever after, cause the ratings were up, no doubt.

*sigh*

Right, well thank God that's over and I didn't interrupt my Christmas dinner for that hour and Bruce of bollocks. 

Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep the will to live, Strictly fans!

Series 12 - The Final

Forget Caroline 'trained dancer' Flack and Pasha 'always gets the ringer' Kovalev's victory and their historic perfect score – the REAL news is that Vicki has won the Strictlycad sweepstake an unprecedented TWO times in a row! That's a greater achievement than any of our professionals have managed!  Well done Vicki!  (May you end up with Anton next year.)

But back to the dancing – and how was it for you?  For me the result... well, it was fine, but it wasn't optimal.  I was glad to see Mark leave first, which seemed fair, but ended up a bit gutted to see Simon absolutely nail the Argentine Tango, then be pipped to the prize, even if it was because of some enjoyable wafty wafty (i.e. Caroline's showdance). 

Of course, we'll never know whether Simon came close to winning, or whether it was actually Frankie who was the runner-up, seeing as the BBC don't reveal the second and third places.  But it really did feel like a duel between Caroline's charmingly overblown, contemporary showdance (in actually good showdance shocker), and Simon's electric Argentine Tango.  The AT just got me in the end – the caressing leg flicks were just SO GOOD, Kristina's velvet boobs were just SO PRESENT and the sexual tension between them (between Simon and Kristina that is, not between Kristina's boobs) was tinglingly excellent.  Perhaps it was because it was the last dance I saw, perhaps it was the promise of the £14 jackpot if he won (yeah that, mainly), but my Strictly champion heart belonged – in the end – to Simon and lovely Kristina.  

Still, gambling loss aside, kudos to the winners, Flackers and Pashers – Caroline had been the favourite for a while, certainly since Jake left, and she was a rather marvellous dancer (“CAUSE SHE'D BEEN TRAINED FOR YEARS” scream the masses).  Her highlight was the bit in her showdance when she did a Rihanoff thigh clamp AND full body arm clamp on Pasha, who then lifted her up in the air and ran whilst she did a back bend above his head.  Yeah, that was a bit good.  I also enjoyed how they aimed squarely for the Eurovision vote, with a smoke-machine/wind-machine/giant skirt/skirt-cropping opening section.  Douze points for that.  And whilst Simon and Kristina's energetic showdance also incorporated tasteful stripping, it felt a bit messy and rushed in parts – so I guess, when you took the last two dances as a whole, Caroline did edge it with that successful reconstruction of her fun Istanbul charleston.  Pasha even managed to keep his naughty fez in check.

I suspect Frankie's fate was sealed when the judges picked out her samba as the 'Do It Again' performance - that was the one that made her cry and Craig drawled was her “worst dance yet”.  It also involved Kevin wearing a horrific faux-ethnic t-shirt with high-waisted Fucking Red Trousers, so why ANYONE would sanction a repeat of that, I'll never know.  I was a bit peeved about the judges' choices, to be honest; this series has sealed it in my mind that the cha cha cha is my least favourite dance (yes, behind waltz and rumba – it surprised me too), and yet we got two of them this final, from Mark and Caroline, notable only for the worm and that excellent fringe dress.  We also got Simon's Pearly King charleston which I was fairly grumpy about last time too – I do not care for those pearls.

Conversely, the show dance section was actually way better than I might have feared.  I've gushed about Caroline and slightly glossed over Simon already (though it's not like Simon's showdance was a dud – there were some excellent moments and it was good overall).  And sure, we got a dud in Mark and Karen's aerobics number, which was basically: bum on banister, dodgy lift, kick a bit, cartwheel, run run run run run run, more kicks, better lift, end.  But I rather enjoyed Frankie's I Am 16 Going On 17 ballroom-tastic showdance, with the feathery-est of skirts being whirled around some benches.

I was less taken with Frankie's paso, but that was solely and purely down to Kevin's horrible outfit.  Whilst colourful tight trousers with short-sleeved shirts and ties looked acceptably cool on the Jets and Sharks, they made Grimsby look like a wacky accountant.  I'd hoped that Wardrobe might have done some tweaking for the final, but – to no avail.  Perhaps they'd spent all their efforts on getting both Claudia and Tess to don lovely dresses in a colour other than black.  Which was an impressive feat, let's face it.

Most impressive of all, though? The Class of 2014 Best Of group dance, which I LURVED. The best bit was OBVIOUSLY Scott and Joanne doing the crab in the background and entirely scene-stealing, but I also enjoyed the high profile digs that had been choreographed for Pixie and Jake, taking on pro-style leads, and generally blasting the competition.  My only reticence: not enough TAM! close-ups.

We're gearing up for the end now, peeps. Dances blogged, dresses blogged, crab reappearance blogged – there's little left.  A quick word on the star guest performers – the newly dwindled Take That, in matching boring ringmaster suits, kindly letting the pros peacock one last time before Christmas.  (It was also quite impressive how they'd gone back in time to perform before Ola got injured on a ski slope.)  Dodgy tax affairs have made me give up Starbucks, but I confess I still use Amazon and – just as bad – I really like Take That's new 'These Days' song, and was hoping we'd get a latin number to it.  We did, and some other Take That classics, besides.  It's a delightfully long way from that sea of candles and whatever musical dirge it was that Annie Lennox forced upon us all those weeks ago. 

So there we go!  It's not been a vintage series for me (and that wasn't all Annie's fault, but rate-grabbings themes and 'shock' exits) - the final was fun, but the real rumble of excitement just never quite happened.  But still, we'll be left with a few cracking dances (not least Jake's salsa and samba), as well as everything last triumphant that Judy Murray did off the dancefloor (not least a galloping horse impression with Natalie Lowe across the Clauditorium - what a gal).  And let's not forget the ever wonderful wonder that is Claudia Winkleman.  We'll always have that, people, we'll always have that.

So Merry Christmas one and all – don't forget the Strictly special on Christmas Day (if you can handle Bruce after a blissful season without him).  I warn you though - it involves Russell Grant dressed as a genie.  Thanks for reading and until next time...  Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep dancing!

Series 12 - Week 12 - Semi-final

So it's somehow got to Final Day, and no semi-final blog - well until now!  But better/late/never/etc, so here's a foray through last weekend's semi-final.  REMEMBER IT?  We might be mostly over it now, but it was still a bit of a shocker to see Jake go.  Although he was bottom of the semi-final leaderboard, he seemed invincibly popular and would probably have stormed the final by recreating *that* salsa and... well, just IMAGINE the ¡Manrara! show dance.

But maybe it shouldn't be such a surprise - lovely Janette's been criticised on the forums (that bleak and dangerous place) for relying on performance and not teaching technique (during the five minutes of training they have when he's not filming Eastenders).  And truth or not, I couldn't get as excited as I'd have liked about his cha cha cha - the glittershoefaffography at the start was a bit week one and the hip action looked a bit dad rather than salsamazeballs.  His ballroom foray didn't light things on fire either, but I'd blame the fact it was a Viennese waltz (spin spin snooze snooze) for that, rather than anything Jake did.

Sorry Katie, that you came so close to the £14 sweepstake pot. Maybe next year, eh?

So Mark Towie made it then.  'On paper', I would have casually booted him out, with his "I'm Marky No Moves", "did you know I ain't never danced before", "the dark horse, moi?" *rolls eyes at the continuously implied JOURNEY monologues*.  But when it actually came to the dance performances, well, I became a little softer of heart than I thought I would.  It's not that I LOVED his performances, but more that they were stronger than I was expecting - a powerful Strictly tool.

The Viennese waltz to I Got You Babe (not enough Essex on the "babe", Dave Arch) was perhaps a bit too laden with gorgonzola, but Mark's a seasoned TV cheesemonger, so he sold it well enough, and the barefoot rumba was (by virtue of not being a rumba at all, but a wafty pseudo-contemporary number) kind of bearable - which is high praise, as you know.  Also Karen's rumba 'dress' was a bum-hugging swimming costume with chiffon overlay and shiny Lycra ass flash, so my eyes weren't always on Mark.

Hauer's bod of steel might be able to cope with that shiny stretchy material (think skintight shell suit), but it's less flattering to mortals; even gorgeous mortals who've been training solidly for a few months - by which I mean that I did not care for Caroline's foxtrot dress. The fringy skirt - YES.  Lovely.  Big time.  But not the hip bit, which gave her gravy lumps she does not have.

As for her dance, it was barely recognisable as a foxtrot (EMOTE EMOOOOOOTE) and, in and of itself, wasn't perhaps that special.  However, it also came at the end of a really quite weak first half, so I suspect that allowed it an impact than it might've not elsewhere.

Her 40! salsa was truly aces though, if excessively pink (even Pasha struggles with that shade).  And good old Craig, downplaying his critique ("I thought it was very good"), then whipping out his 10 paddle.  That's seasoned dramz for ya. Darcey's OMG face was a picture.

So yes, that first half then.  It was just a bit tepid and disappointing somehow.  I suppose the stress, time pressures and double dancing just got to them.

Prime example: Simon's animal print samba ("I like to [pause] MOVE IT!").  It was on course to work til he botched a botafogo (it's entirely possibly it was a whole other move and I've completely made elements of that word up) and they went a bit wrong. Still, you can't fault Kristina's desire to give EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME, EVEN IN A BOTCHED SAMBA, and, moreover, the poo slacks were back, and never have they been so curvaceously and bodytoobootyliciously filled by a Strictly man.

Frankie didn't go obviously wrong in her opening balletic rumba, but it felt quite tepid and timid to me.  Also (importantly) Kevin's soldier hat was not working for me on a dress-up fetish level AT ALL.  I'm not saying that I wanted wholesome Kev to raunch it up with a uniform special (I actually think it's the combo of Susanna Reid and his seldom seen glasses which give him any spexy power), but I do enjoy a sultry comedy dance role play and this was far too earnest and chocolate box.

Both Simon and Frankie enjoyed a stronger second half though - which was probably what saw them (well Simon at least) directly through. The My Guy foxtrot was nearly as fromagerie as Mark's V-waltz, but it was good to see my sweepstake bod dance well, manage his choreography and looked chuffed with it.  Simon doesn't seem to have the popularity of the others, but I like him (and I don't *think* it's just because of the money on my mind).

And then there was Frankie's Argentine Tango.  I was all set to pooh-pooh and eye roll it - you know, cause of her sickled-y foot and cause of Kevin's saccharine approach and cause of the weirdness of using Beethoven (the music, not the dog).  But I'm having to eat the pooh-pooh (urgh), as it was fantastic.  Argentine Tangos are always my fave, but that means I get crabby if they're a bit flobbery and not sexysharp enough.  This one worked - though admittedly my eyes were on Frankie's slick short hair and not Kevin's James From The Apprentice-style bouffe.

As for the rest, my own personal highlight was DJ Bruno in headphones and silver bomber jacket unzipped to the chest wig, gyrating behind the decks like the I'm Still Standing video wasn't 30 odd years ago.  It made me joyfully chuckle throughout the whole disco showcase, whilst Natbot dazzled in spray-on car paint disco-jeggings and Aliona got repeatedly rejected - until Louis Smith chivalrously arrived to trail the Christmas special. Poor Aliona - choreographed humiliation on Sunday, and the weirdest monoboob inducing Lycra chiffon-look top in the Clauditorium on the Saturday.  At least she has the consolation of bring reunited with Gregg Wallace's sweaty palms during the Final, eh?

Let's briefly gloss through Paloma Faith's 'interesting' performance - I think she's aces hilarious, but wasn't entirely sure about her band's arrangement, though Aljaž and Janette - the Jay-Z and Beyonce of the pro dance world - were on hand to supportively throw and bend, artistically of course.

As for Dressmess, there wasn't really much to report on Tess/Darcey/Claude fashion - as it was all about Craig's facial hair.  Well I say 'hair', as I'm not sure it wasn't a goatee line he'd drawn on himself with a ruler and an eyebrow pencil.  Hard to say.  It's for panto apparently (cue oh no it etc etc gag).

So what about this final then?!  From what I can tell, they all do a judge's choice dance (under wraps til the show) and their show dance (I predict the usual WTF disappointment), then someone is ceremonially booted out, before the last three finish with their favourite dance of the series.  The bookies say Caroline is on course to win, which would be fine enough by me - though my (financial) preference has to be Simon.  The rumour is that Frankie's been stitched up by the judges choosing her samba and Mark...  I really can't see it happening somehow, can you?  It's been a funny old series for me, but I'm sure the excitement levels will be high come showtime.  There's a group dance featuring Judy and Scott, for gawd's sake!  Anyway, good luck everyone - and keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep looking out for The Crab.

Series 12 - Week 11

Friday already?!  Ah well, no reason why we can't still cast our minds back to the festivities of last Saturday, which brought us the CONTROVERSIAL dance-off which saw Pixie out of the competition.   The week before, when I was all, like, ‘now ANYTHING could happen and ANYONE could go’, what I actually meant was ‘now ANYTHING could happen and ANYONE could go - except Pixie leaving, cause ain't no way she's getting kicked out a dance off'.  So, to use the technical term: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Sorry Justine, I hope you hadn’t set your heart on the £14 sweepstake winnings.

Man alive – it's still quite a shocker, really, but Len had to follow his heart and his heart couldn't let him vote for Pixie's bendy-straight cha cha legs.  I bet Craig is going to be so furious that he’s going to retire his ten paddle for 2014 in protest at Len and Darcey’s votes the other way.  I'll be on petulant pout-watch during all of Saturday's semi-final.

Back to the quarters, and I suppose some people might have been turned off by Team Trixie's eye-blitzing gleam of hot pink and blonde, even if Pixie still had better giant wig work in Halloween week.  I also had serious toned back envy -  she looked fabulous in her Barbie swimwear and a skirt seemingly made from what I'm reliably informed is called a 'bath lily'. (Yes, it was an objectively unattractive outfit, but I’m now comparing it to the suit she wore on It Takes Two on Monday, which probably has to be the worst outfit I’ve ever seen on Strictly – yes, including Tess’ yellow jumpsuit.  If you missed it, then think pale pink leather frilled Chairman Mao trouser suit.  It was another level horrific, which is an achievement in itself).

Fashion aside, a lot of people probably weren’t that into Pixie’s cha cha (the DANCE, my GOD), which was fine enough, but also a bit snoozesome towards the end.  Plus I now realise that Love Shack is a super divisive number – I love it, but others, inexplicably, do not.  It was not, for example, received with much relish at a recent work karaoke session, to my great surprise. (Turns out work karaoke is an interesting barometer for popular musical choices – Cher’s Turn Back Time, for example, was an absolute success.  Now there's a song for the dance floor, please - I'm thinking Iveta and a fabulously camp paso, with male and female costume inspiration from the video to boot.  NRSFW.)

Simon might even have been (*whispers it*) slightly better at his dance, on the night...?  Kristina is throwing everything and more into this now, and I fear slightly for her sanity.  This week saw her emerge triumphant from the Who Gets To Wear Red This Week battle; going full Marilyn in wet look plunging scarlet and Angelina Jolie leg, distracting all from Simon’s white waiter’s jacket – not a good look.  But Simon seems to have cracked this dancing lark and is really quite charming these days.  It’s also no surprise that Len preferred the fancy footwork and legal lifts of an American Smooth over the tricky leg action and leap-over-the-sofa ILLEGAL LIFT of the cha cha cha.  (It’s also no surprise that Darcey opted to save a male celeb – since she openly voted for Steve’s guns over whichever better woman he was up against, her dancing gender-bias has been fairly clear.)

So yeah – there we go.  The competition’s best dancer is gone, and Mark Towie remains, and continues to treat all comments from the judges as the invitation to a chat/Mark monologue.  To be fair, though, Mark’s foxtrot might have been one of my favourites of the night (slim pickings, guys, slim pickings), even though there seemed to be some unsightly bulging in his dress trousers. 

For I’m afraid I didn’t totally LURRRVE Caroline’s Argentine Tango – there, I’VE SAID IT.  To begin with, I found her fringing too long – it’s not often I advocate a mullet cut, but that skirt would have been better with a tartier cut at the front.  Then, although the lifts were AMAZING, I found some of the joiny bits a bit flumfy.  Yes, that’s all the technical terminology and expert dance judging eye you need from Strictlycad, right there:  ‘Joiny’ and ‘flumfy’.

To be honest, Caroline’s AT sort of sums up my view of the whole series.  I’m *nearly* loving it and my head’s all “come on, this is good stuff”, but my heart’s all “yeah, but I’m not sure I really care that much”.  Remember when Vinthent fell off his chair, then performed an electric Argentine Tango with Beige Rachel?  Remember when Karen Hardy threw a strop at Mark Ramprakash, then got wrapped up in a microphone wire, then performed *that* salsa.  Yeah, I’m missing that.  Everyone’s a bit bland and everything’s a bit controlled (bar Claudia, thank Gawd).  Frankie most of all, I’m afraid.  Her W-O-R-K salsa was notable mainly for Kevin expressing a heart attack through the medium of latin dance.  It was not for me.

Having said all that, it’s not a total blandathon; ¡Manrara! continues to serve up the quirk. It wasn’t their best, but I’d say I enjoyed about 90% of Jake’s circus charleston, which is probably proportionally more than the other couples.  Janette’s lifts were ever fearless and exemplary and Jake’s face-mugging reached new levels, though he was entirely inappropriately dressed for the comedic ringmaster look – HELLO WHERE ARE YOU SCARLET TAILS AND WHIP?

Speaking of bad outfits – NOT TESS.  I know - almost as much of a shocker as Pixie leaving.  I absolutely LOVED her Saturday outfit – that crossover neckline!  Mwwwah!  She could even have made it two from two, had she not insisted on jumpsuiting the bottom half of Sunday's outfit.  Mind you, Claudia did the same, with added comedic platforms, and pushed me further towards the boundaries of not accepting Winkledom fashion than I have ever been before.  Her purple jumpsuit was... let’s leave it there before I say something I regret.

On the pro-dance front, I very much enjoyed the dancing and partner swapping in the water troughs number – heavy petting not banned in those paddling pools, I note.  I was convinced for most of it that Ola was Joanne, which vexed me, and I didn't fancy the guest champion latin dancer much, but Aljaz was there, so there was still a bit of swoon going on.  OneRepublic got a Kristina/Trent paso to that Lately I've Been I've Been Losing Sleep song, which I liked at the time, but I've now established that all pasos should be ridiculously performed to Cher's Turn Back Time, so I'm afraid it's gone down in my estimation.  Fair?  Who cares.

I’ve also just realised that I completely forgot to talk about the Waltzathon.  

In truth, I see no reason to rectify that situation.

SO THERE WE ARE.  One more hurdle til the final.  Who’s going to fall?  I get the impression that Jake is a solid crowd favourite, as are Caroline and Frankie.  Simon could benefit from dance-off bounce back – but, even if he doesn’t, he’s got a strong track record of being selected by Len for his good footwork, which is not to be underestimated.  So by that logic, it’s Mark Towie for the chop – and, he’s got a rumba, FFS.  We all know what that means: keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep cringing!

Series 12 - Week 10 - Around The World

So that's precisely no-one surprised to see Sunetra go this week, but it's worth remembering that she's been a rather lovely contestant and she left a) looking proper gorgeous and b) having performed a rumba which didn't leave me cowering behind the sofa, dying of cringe (although it took a lot of energy to ignore Brendan in Anton's cream trews).  

As for the straw she drew on the Around The World theme (and more on that general 'issue' later - soooooo much more), I was slightly dubious about the Brazilian context - though I suppose the rumba is the dance most likely to flash a vajazzle. But rumba in Ipanema actually worked, more or less. Sunetra sashayed her way across the beach, more interested in her next caipirinha than vertically expressing the horizontal act of love with Brendan or the other nondescript backing dancers.  She knew it was her time, but she styled it out anyway. She's been a delight throughout. 

It's Louise who leaves the sweepstake. And from now on in, it's anyone's £14. 

I suspect Mark ended up in the dance-off for a couple of reasons. Firstly, there seemed to be a common consensus that Jake was royally stitched up by his Greek-Argentine Tango combo, so he benefited from a high number of sympathy votes. Secondly, Mark's salsa was under-rehearsed meh. I quite enjoyed some of the throwing around of Karen, but the rest was essentially Towie standing about a bit, then having a lady in a feather headdress rip his shirt open. All very Week 2 - though at least the Las Vegas theme wasn't a million miles from the natural salsa dance style. 

Because - and let's just dive straight in and sod the dance 'critique'! - that's the hulking great slightly xenophobic elephant in the room, isn't it?  What the blimmin' 'eck was that theme about?

Ah, you're doing a Viennese Waltz, Pixie? Well, we're going to set it in Holland. Why? Well we've thought of a song that has Amsterdam in the title, so here's some lederhosen for Trent, cause the Dutch and Germans and Austrians are basically the same, give or take a border and phlegminess of accent. 

I suppose the Dutch are a bit more 'relaxshhed', so perhaps that's the explanation behind Trent's sinister Adult Pinocchio outfit and the inclusion of the Single Ladies dance by men in Bermuda shorts.  Pixie was fantastic, but, for me, the whole thing was ruined by all that weird intoxicated boyz night out 'jokey' street harassment crapola.  We'd have been fine with the few tulips at the start and that windmill, but sadly we had to suffer hammy Dutch panto as well.  Which was awful. 

Don't get me wrong, even I can get on board with a bit of theme these days (Halloween will forever be responsible for having Morticia dell'Olio emerge from a coffin with a champagne glass in hand, so TICK), but this one was... well it was all over the place (NO PUN ETC).

Dodgy foreign stereotypes aside ("at least Anton's not in it anymore" said Mr Cad on the subject of risk assessment), it would have worked a bloody treat if we'd had culturally and geographically accurate theming: a Viennese Waltz in, ooooh let's say, Vienna?  An American Smooth in, ooooh I don't know, America?  And where might we set an Argentine tango, I wonder?  (Clue: not Greece).  We're forever being told about Len's pampas fantasies and his visions of getting the party started in the favela - this was a real chance to get some public service and informative dance history in.  Boooo that they didn't. 

And it's not like I can't see the potential for some bizarre fusion - incongruous country/style fusions could (certainly technically) work and lead to some really exciting choreography.  Remember Denise van Outen's Egyptian charleston?  That worked a treat a few years back. As, indeed, did Caroline's Turkish/generic Middle Eastern souk charleston.  In a sea of shoddy oddness (shoddness), Caroline came through. She was lucky with her combo, yes, but her dancing was also great and she absolutely held her own against the backing pros - though the finest performance was from Pasha's unruly fez.

The problem was that we didn't get the full culture clash from every couple, so it felt like an un-level playing field.  It also stank of the producers not being arsed and failing to be truly imaginative about their theming. 

"Right then. Where shall we send Frankie?"

"Well Surfing USA's got a country in the title and you can do a hot mess jive to it in tacky acrylic hair extensions."

"Great. We need a spangly boob tube, porny high heels and two surfboards.  OK, NEXT!"

"Um, sorry to interrupt, but we've already got the US.  Mark and Karen are in Vegas."

"Oh have we?" Momentary pause. "Ah sod it, Hawaii's not really America, even if the song is Surfing USA.  Right then, what other songs have places in the title?  Time is money people. Come on!  Girl From Ipanema.  Ok.  Well, Sunetra's done a samba already, so, errr, rumba it is.  NEXT!"

I think that's what pissed me off - creative laziness and inconsistency.  Some of the themes were very close to the original dance style - Simon's successful Austrian (not Viennese, no no) waltz was a case in point.  The theming was limited to a fancy suit'n'sash and the familar tones of Edelweiss - which we've seen before, so it was nothing earth-shattering or original.  But, as the closest thing to trad staging, the audience felt reassured and satisfied.  Ergo waltz success.

However, at the other end of the scale: Jake's Greekentine tango.  It was such a bizarre mix that the audience felt like he'd been dealt a raw hand (and lo, the sympathy votes were administered, saving him from the DO).  It would have been ok if everyone had had a totally absurd mix of dance style and country styling, but it felt a little like Jake was the only one dealing with the ridiculous - so the sublime was out the window.

I actually maintain an Argentine Tango to Zorba The Greek could have been quirky and brilliant.  Trouble was, it bombed, and it's then hard to unpick the performance from the theme.  For me, the theme wasn't the full problem - it was also that Jake wasn't on form and the choreography wasn't great.  We could probably have still have had some OPA! shouts and plate smashes, but it needed more ganchos and flicky leg work - it was a bit too lifty and not sufficiently leg caressy.  Inded, with a bit of tweaking, it could have made a rather appealing Greek paso doble - am thinking a variation on the Austin Healey number.  Just me then?  Ah well.

Also, no dance with a Greek theme is ever going to live up to this Eurovision performance.

One last thing to note - that backing dancer totally screwed Jake over.  I'm not even going to bore on about that, or their unnecessary general use (bar the revelation that one of them was Trent's wife - yes, Trent has a wife), but please don't bother with professional extras who can't avoid crashing into the amateur on stage.

So where was I?  TBH, I think I've covered everyone at some point through the rant, so I suggest we try and forget about this week, bar Caroline, maybe Simon, and move on.  Even the Bollywood opener was pretty car crash, in spite of the sheeny man-jeans.  As for Riverdance-lite...  No green silk billowing shirt and small man egomania?  No good.  Well, not AS good, anyway.  And with lady-hair that big and lady-bodies that small, it was like a line-up of lollipops with flailing legs.

Let's just swing by dressmess, where once again it's Darcey pipping Tess to the crown.  Her bejewelled school marm collar looked like one of those acrylic nail colour samples - and little says 'unappealing' like nails removed from fingers and stuck on a card, even if there is an array of exciting colours on show.

So there we are. I think we're now themed out for 2014, so thumbs up to that. But the ratings for the Round The World omnishambles were way high, so themes are clearly here to stay, regardless of the impact.  Core Strictly fans seem to be getting pretty peeved at the current direction and I'm inclined to agree with them.  And whilst this has probably been the strongest year for dance talent, I'm not really engaged with any of this year's slebs - bar Jake perhaps, and I get that he could justifiably be seen as a one trick Latin hips pony.  OBVIOUSLY I won't stop watching - it's Strictly and I love it!  And there's £14 riding on this!  

So I'm genuinely curious as to who will go next week.  Mark seems vulnerable, but if he gets a good dance and some rehearsal time, as well as some post Dance Off bounce vote, he'll might well be fine.  So that leaves... I don't know, Simon more vulnerable?  Jake?  But Jake has the hips and Simon seems like he might be on A Journey, and we know how potent that can be...  With the riders this close, a lot will rest on the waltzathon. Yes, you heard me correctly.  Like dodgems, only with waltzing instead.  With six points to the winner, it could count for a lot.  So keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep  two-three, one-two-three.