2013 Launch Show

Welcome to the LAUNCH SHOW! It's Class of 2013 Hot Mess Group Dance time – which refers this year to the pros' red carpet performance; apparently the Strictly powers-that-be have decided to kick things off with a shoddy line dance flash mob, complete with dad-dancing Stayin' Alice thrusts and finger points. Erin would never have stood for this.  However, it does pick up back in the studio (Aliona may be my current favourite-to-hate, but boy can she dance), with pros going into manic overjive - lots of gurning-pouting and crazy jig legs – basically an amazing dance competition to see who can dislocate their knees the quickest. The judges are wheeled on on mini-stages (Darcey already has THE DRESS OF THE SERIES, a slinky evening gown made entirely of silver shimmyness), Tess is carried on stage by the old male pros (lying rigid in crucifixion shape is her best dance attempt to date) and the worst lookalike stunt man ever, in a wig made of grey cat moltings, air dives through a hoop, before we jumpcut to real Bruce doing his 'tap dancing'. Clearly the budget has not gone on special effects this year.  

It's on people! Strictly Come Dancing 2013!  And therefore welcome to TessDressMess 2013 – la Daly's wearing a gold sequinned bib stitched on to a flesh coloured tights gusset, with her boobs merrily unhitched. New year, same old disregard for breast wrangling.  Bruce makes a 'joke' about Stonehenge - and arghhhhhhh, WHERE IS CLAUDIA?

Let's focus instead on our 2013 'celebs', looking suitably excited and nervous.  We really are relying on the descriptors to know who they are this year (apparently Fiona Fullerton is a "Bond Girl and author”) but Z-list celebs do not necessarily make a bad show, so my hopes are actually pretty high.  Indeed, let me present the main evidence: Ben Cohen. And lo, a crush is born! (Though my sister informs me she has fancied him since at least 2003, I agree a decade stint will take some beating.). Elsewhere, Deborah Meaden has obviously not invested in Wardrobe's sequin exchange business venture, as they've opted to give Feltz a more flattering body truss, so that's Round One of the Alpha Female-off to Vanessa. (Actually Deborah seems rather lovely and spends her spare time delousing pigs, so boo hiss to you Wardrobe.)  Bruno is already in a frenzy at the man totty on offer which he tells us “tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiickle ALL my fancies”. Len sidesteps the lack of fame by referring to the contestants as “great characters”.

It's time to match up the laydeez, and so we pan through all the male pros – a terrifying line of giant man pecs, and Anton. The new boys are introduced, sexy Slovenian All That Aljaz (disappointingly pronounced Ally-Ash) Skorjanec (pronounced... literally no idea, and nor does Bruce) and Grimbsy lad Kevin Clifton, who must be all of 12 years old. (Though somehow Kevin has managed to get fellow pro-dancer Karen Hauer to agree to marry him, so we await hidden depths.)

Sophie Ellis-Bextor gets Brendan (STRICTLYCAD PREDICTION #1: CORRECT), Natalie 'Corrie' Gumede gets Artem (STRICTLYCAD PREDICTION #2: INCORRECT – this will be a theme), Deborah Meaden gets Robin (the Robin Windsor Fag Hag Fabulous Awakening will still happen, people) and Rachel Countdown gets Pasha (Ooooh - nice! Sure, I predicted it completely wrong, but maybe Pash won't have such a light series after all!)

Len then calls Artem a “great big hunky-dunky”, which, for me, earns him his series fee.

Time for the new pros to take to the floor and try to outdo each other.  The new girls need to put down the draggy make-up bag and eat MANY MANY MANY pies, whilst the great big hunky-dunky old man pros need not worry that their chesticles will be out-inflated by the new dudes, who are rather flat of pec. I can't really tell the difference between Anya and Janette yet. Iveta looks as dead-eyed and vampiric as ever, but she was awfully nice last year (or was that just compared to Aliona? Probably a komodo dragon would look sweet next to Aliona) so the Strictlycad judgement is suspended for now, but am sure I will grow to love and/or hate them all.

Tess explains that Natbot picked up an injury in training so won't be in this year. The lady pros are presented to the masses and I continue to want to throw pies at the newbies. Kristina has not let her break up with Joe Calzage reduce the power of her turbo boobs.

More matchmaking: Patrick Casualty gets Anya (who momentarily forgets her own name, before realising THAT'S ME and squealing.  Good stuff, I could grow to like my sweepstakee), Ashley Hollyoaks gets Ola (our first double winner?!) , Julien FABLAS! GAUDET! OBE! Macdonald gets Janette (she immediately humps him Kristina-on-Donovan style, perhaps thinking of the dresses she's going to get out of this), and Tony 'Golf' Jacklin gets... Aliona. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (My Twitter timeline duly collapses with the sound of hysterical laughter and shouts of IN YOUR FACE VILANI).

Over to a VT of the pros and celebs meeting, kicking off with a speed dating section, which I dearly wish had been a show in itself (come on It Takes Two - MILK THIS), then it's training time which is brief and fairly non-eventful, though it turns out Karen may have some personality – teaching Hairy Biker Dave the cha-cha with a food analogy, beans on toast, no less.

Abbey Clancy is matched with gorgeous new dude Aljaz (and - once it computes - Peter Crouch's face falls to the floor, *evil laugh*), Fiona Fullerton gets Anton (but of course. Though I have done without his pelvic thrust celebration). There's only Feltz and Susanna Reid left, to be matched with James Jordan or Kevin Clifton, and Kevin looks TERRIFIED! The producers clearly realise that, in the current TV climate, matching Vanessa with a man-child might be slightly controversial, so it's James who lands The Feltz (whoop two Strictlycad predictions  out of 15 correct!).  Ergo Susanna gets Kevin.

For reasons unknown, Rod Stewart then performs (which, oddly was the one thing which almost transfixed the three year old I was watching with), before Flavs and Louis returned to do their charleston, which was jolly good - Louis can still do rubberface and gymnastic leaps. (Those disappointed Louis wasn't back in his Showdance tights may wish to refer to this 'news' article). 

Three guys left, and only one of them is Ben Cohen *swoon*, so Kristina, Iveta and Karen nervously await which of them will be landed with a shorter contract by drawing Dave or Mark - who seem LOVELY.

Hairy Biker Dave gets Karen (it was the beans on toast chemistry, surely. She actually seems not unhappy and giggles that they will be 'The Hairy Dancers' - if she forgoes the Veet, I will be seriously impressed). Ben gets Kristina, who breathes a BILLION sighs of relief (and sorry Anya, but this is the couple I want to win – sod my own sweepstake). So of course Mark Benton gets Iveta, who promptly lapdances towards him. Mmmmkay.

Was it just me or did that take FOREVER?! Finally it's Group Dance time – Natalie and Ashley stand out, and Patrick, Susanna and Fiona look like they might not be half bad. Sophie looks a bit wooden, Feltz looks gawp-eyed petrifying and Ben Cohen... hips... guns... dribble...  However, somewhat shamefully, my favourite bit is the moment of intentional comedy choreography - when Kristina reclaims the Donovan thigh clamp, jumping on to Dave Hairy's back and riding him like a motorbike, whilst he makes engine noises and does some hand revs. DEAR GOD - I swear none of that is a euphemism.

So there we have it!  And I think it's going to be ALL RIGHT!  

The 2013 sweepstake line-up goes a little something like this:

Abi – Rachel Riley and Pasha Kovalev

Ben – Mark Benton and Iveta Lukosiute

Beth – Ashley Taylor Dawson and Ola Jordan

Catherine – Patrick Robinson and Anya Garnis

Dan – Fiona Fullerton and Anton du Beke

Holly – Susanna Reid and Kevin Clifton

Isabelle – Julien Macdonald and Janette Manrara

Jo – Dave Myers and Karen Hauer

Jules – Deborah Meaden and Robin Windsor

Justine – Sophie Ellis-Bextor and Brendan Cole

Katie – Ben Cohen and Kristina Rihanoff

Laura – Tony Jacklin and Aliona Vilani

Louise – Vanessa Feltz and James Jordan

Terry – Natalie Gumede and Artem Chigvintsev

Vicki – Abbey Clancy and Aljaz Skorjanec

(Good luck everyone! I probably should have collected the money from Louise and Laura before the show, eh? Ladies can I have your £1...? Ladies...? LADIES?!?!)

Three weeks, then it's showtime - the first live show is on Friday 27th September, which, in a display of classic schoolboy error, I'll miss because of my own bloody birthday. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!

In the meantime, keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep paying!