2013 Celebrity line-up

Abbey Clancy

 

*whispers* Abbey, we can see your pants, love.
Oh, it’s deliberate.
Right.
I think Wardrobe may hate you.

La Desperate Scousewag, married to that gangly football man who does the robot.  She could do with eating a few pies and getting a way bigger beehive, but my vague memory of her from one episode I saw of Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model (No Tyra, no point) is that she was ok.

Will last: a while, if she can dance. But I’m dubious.
Partner: I have absolutely no clue how they’ll pair up the laydeez.  So what the hell – Anton.  He will DIE.  They both will.

 

Ashley Taylor Dawson

 

The Radio Times had Ashley pegged as a former girl group poptart, but he is in fact, a MAN with apparently man bits.  (Worrying times when the RT gets it wrong.  Like John Lewis getting an ad banned. Imagine!?) The Radio Times were half right – he was in bargain bin S Club flop group allSTARS (REMEMBER?! Sort of!) and he’s now a Hollyoaks hunk.

Will last: finalist and, if he’s likeable (heed the Ricky Nipple warning ATD), potential winner.
Partner: Iveta should get a contender, after stepping in so gracefully last year (in your FACE, Aliona).

 

Ben Cohen

 

Anti-bullying campaigner, straight-man/gay-icon and English rugby good egg. Wikipedia informs me he has five year old twin girls and my eyes inform me he has, ahem, arms, so that’s the fallopian tube and gay vote sown up.

Will last: with us til December, surely.
Partner: knowing her luck, bloody Aliona.  ARGH.

 

Dave Myers

 

Hairy Biker and recent slimmer – although I’ve never seen his show, I instinctively love this guy.  Look at his cheeky face!  Look at his classic eighties metal hair!  And, also, look at his oddly tiny feet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will last: Apparently Dave's a professional make-up artist, specialising in prosthetics, so til Halloween, hopefully -  inexplicably, I really want to see that particular ‘comedy’ VT.
Partner: Ola.  And if they LURVE each other, which they might, they’ll go way further than you might first think.

 

Deborah Meaden

 

Turquoise-eyed Lady Dragon.  I’m mainly looking forward to her and Feltz having an inevitable Alpha Female-off.  I really can’t call that one...

Will last: she’ll be terrifyingly focused and determined (and has probably already purchased her own dance studio), but I fear she’ll only be with us a few weeks.
Partner: Pasha is probably due a light series. (Gah!)

 

Fiona Fullerton



Eighties Bond girl and, um, that’s kind of it.  But let me refer you to the “Personal life” section of her Wikipedia page, ad verbatim, which is terrible/brilliant: “She was married to actor Simon MacCorkindale in 1976 at the age of nineteen, but the marriage ended in divorce in 1981. She then spent thirteen years having "fun", but grew unhappy with her life. She met Neil Shackell, a computer marketing executive, through her cousin, Nigel Fullerton. The couple married shortly after meeting in 1994, and now live in the Cotswolds.  Fullerton found that she had a knack for buying, renovating and then selling houses. She now has her own property company which buys and manages flats, mainly in London.” I wager she also writes her own Wikipedia entry.

 

Will last: meh
Partner: This has ‘The Robin Windsor Fag Hag Fabulous Awakening’ written all over it.

 

Julien Macdonald

 

Best. Strictly. Profile. Shot. Ever. EVAH!  The lace, the pecs, the hairline, the arm pose, the buttock curve,  the toe, the Blue Steel, the just EVERYTHING.  I could study it for hours, if it weren’t for that sinister edge which makes my eyes nervous.  Already part of the Strictly family, Julien (with an E) is the fashion designer and generally over-excited Welshman prone to screaming “FABLASSSS” and “GODET” at Zoe Ball on ITT (not to be confused with Russell Grant).  Sure, Julien’s mighty annoying and generally hated by the Strictly Twitterati, but I can just about cope with his fablassnass.  He will bloody love every minute of this and we will totally and continueously know about it.

 

Will last: mid-season
Partner: Karen Hauer.  Someone’s got to force some personality out of Karen, so let’s go full throttle.

 

Mark Benton

Oh him!  Yeah, that guy.  That actor guy.  That comedy actor guy.  Northern guy.  You know.  He's on that thing. That thing on that channel.  And on that advert.  That advert for that thing.  You know.  Him.  Yeah.  That guy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will last: out in the early weeks, I fear.
Partner: Janette?  Really, it depends on whether the Strictly powers-that-be want to test or promote the newbies. They do like to keep an old pro down, but I’m going to (controversially?) hand the likable dud (sorry Mark!) to a new gal, hazing-stylee.  And not at all just because my sister has Janette in the sweepstake, mwahaha.

 

Natalie Gumede

Superbly barnet-ed Corrie baddie and - more importantly - Italia Conti grad, so she’ll know *exactly* what to do on the dance floor.  She’s already bagged one of the finer dresses.

Will last: potential finalist, but, as ever, it depends on how Middle England copes with the Northernness
Partner: Pfffff.  Kevin?  All That Aljaz?  I’m scrabbling here.

 



Patrick Robinson

Confident pose there, Patrick.  Interesting hand positioning.  All about the... OK.  Moving on.  The comforting household soap face - but don't forget that  Patrick is also A PROPAH ACK-TORRR.   Shakespeare, darling, SHAKESPEARE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will last: not as long as he will blatantly deserve.
Partner: Kristina – this time Colin Salmon is happily Rihanoff-sized.

 

Rachel Riley

 

Countdown glamourmathsbot - hopefully minus the RWNJVO function.  (That’s ‘Right Wing Nut Job Vorderman Overdrive’, obvs.)   There’s something of the Lady Diana about her hair in some photos, which unsettles me, but am sure she’s blandly delightful.  P.S. I’ll take her dress. K thanks! 

Will last: shy of the semis.  Not a euphemism.
Partner:  Whoever Natalie didn’t get.



 

Sophie Ellis-Bextor

Gird yourselves people, for I predict at least seven thousand ‘BUT WILL IT BE MURDER ON THE DANCE FLOOR?’ references within the first five minutes of the launch show.  AT LEAST.  And all from effing Bruce.  Sheesh.  And if you want to see how Posh Soph will actually do on the dance floor, well, that very video is a fine indication - of her total woodenness.  Choon, mind. 

Will last: halfway, in a not-at-all-shocking SHOCK exit.
Partner: She’s tall.  Way tall.  So Brendan.

 

Susanna Reid

 

No nonsense Breakfast super attractive journo who uses the licence fee to get limo-ed from London to Salford several times a week (erm, allegedly).  Perhaps that's why Wardrobe have decided not to spend our TV dollars sewing up an actual dance frock for her?  (Oh just get whatever's in Monsoon's front window.)  Susanna was also apparently in the same class at school as Sue Perkins.  I know!  Bet they were total frenemies.

Will last: middling to semi.
Partner: Artem – for the juicy Cougar affair tabloid rumours (erm, allegedly). 

 

Tony Jacklin

 

Is a man who plays golf.
Um.
Who seems lovely.
Um.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will last: first out, sadly
Partner: Anya. My sweepstake luck’s got to run out this year. Surely.

 

La Feltz

 

Oh Vanessa. *sigh*  I once saw her wandering down Upper St looking, how to say it... 'distracted' and wearing a fedora - though I concede the fedora could be a false memory.  It's always the same with me and Feltz: I think I can take it, then after about ten minutes, I suddenly hit my limit and OH MY GOD ENOUGH!  (I have the same thing with coriander.) It's not the verbal diarrhoea, so much as the swallowed-a-thesaurus showing off – why say it once, when you can say it repeated times using every alternative on the Shift+F7 key. We get it Vanessa, you know many words.  Many many words. Many lots numerous various countless plentiful copious abundant ample bounteous lots of heaps of tons of scores of words, but there is no need to ram it down our ears every single time.  It's not just her - I can't read Rushdie for the same reason.  Self likewise.  Or cope for long with Russell Brand... Then again, that's quite a quartet... Have I just stumbled on the ultimate Come Dine With Me line-up?  Wowsers.

 

Will last: “I just want to make it to Blackpool, the pearl of the North, the jewel of Lancashire, the diamond of the coast, the heliodor of the seaside, the spiritual, saintly, divine, celestial home of ballroom, of latin, of dahnce, of... JUST SHHHH IT VANESSA!”
Partner: James Jordan. Someone she can have some bantz with. He'll have to pretend to be loving it too, but inside he'll be dying.  HAHAHAHA.