And so it's back! Strictly Come Dancing 2012. Series 10, this time with added celebrity. As in, they're ACTUALLY celebrities this year - well apart from the one who's a celebrity reporter, but that's all deliciously meta, ironic and post-modern, right? Things we have long since associated with the layered and sophisticated televisual experience that is Strictly. Or is that just me? Just me? Surely not. Anyway, shall we? Let's!
Oh, the excitement! And indeed, oh the hilarity, thanks to the 'genius' addition of amazing (terrible) lyrics to the theme tune - my, how I laughed. Sadly, the sung version was for One Night Only and we'll be back to instrumental business as usual come the competition itself. However, the seed has now been set, and I for one will definitely be singing the moving and emotionally-charged words: “Let's go dancing tonight!” (da da da da da da) “We're gonna party the whole night!” every week til Christmas. Take that Morrissey - I'm totally smelling an Ivor Novello.
The updated theme tune also formed the basis of the first pro dance, where the pros did a fair amount of running through the Beeb's distinctly unglamorous corridors, pausing here and there to hip-thrust, shimmy and lift Tess up like she was the Messiah. The pros gave it their best shot, but the sparkly outfits (Stripper Barbie and chiffon-for-him) weren't enough to detract from the pebble-dash and lino surroundings. Back in the studio the pro couples then took turns to see who could show off the most vigorously – everyone gave it a good old go, but, even wearing the contents of the shredder stapled to her pants, it was Flavia (yes, and Vinthent) who stole the show with their two seconds of classy Argentine Tango.
We were treated to more shreddings and chiffon in pro dance #2, which was a neat mini-showcase for new dancer Karen Hauer, who seems rather, well, lithe. Also showcased were Natalie Lowe’s pants, as she enthusiastically lifted up the meagre fringing over her buttock area whilst she shimmied away. Heaven forbid someone should miss her bit.
The pro dances also brought sad confirmation that Pasha really has butchered his handsomeness, Samson-style, by shaving off the sides of his hair and slicking blonde streaks and grease through the top locks. It's tragic. However, it did leave room to remember just how handsome Artem is when he's giving it some grrr-dance-face and isn't looking stoned. He and Karen and were on fire! It actually showed up how slightly (comparatively) rusty some of the older pros were looking. Not Anton though – his latin was as consistently shoddy as ever.
Off the dancefloor, TessDressMess was wearing a Stella McCartney thing that I'm sure some will like, but I did not. My interest in designer labels is limited, but whenever I see a couture dress that seems to hate the woman wearing it, I ALWAYS discover that it's a Stella McCartney. (At least she did well when creating Tom Daly's impossibly small diving trunks and the rest of the cracking Team GB kit.) This wasn't Tess' worst exhibit ever, but another year goes by and we are no close to solving the mystery of how a woman with a great and enviable figure always ends up wearing something that makes her look like she's got middle-age spread, a pot belly or, in this case, still in dire need of that sports bra.
As for Brucie, same old, same old. And that is OLD, as we know. He continued to eat up precious dancing minutes by spouting out some terrible gags and struggling with the autocue. However, I have to admit to proper lolz at one of the jokes: after welcoming Bruno, Len and Craig “the returning judges” (cue applause), he said “and you will have noticed a new face on the panel – yes, once again, over the summer Craig has had some work done.” HAHAHA! It's funny cause it's TRUE.
In response, Craig did his best pantomime villain face and gave it some bitchy “darling”, Len then admitted that he'd actually heard of all the celebs this year (bet the Beeb were thrilled), before Bruno announced he was “literally thrrrrrrrrrobing to the point of HYPERVENTILATION”, which, loosely translated, means he was experiencing Louis Smith-induced arousal. Helloooo - him and the rest of the nation.
Then Darcey was allowed to speak and inexplicably used her moment to say something pervy about Jerry Hall's legs. (Fortunately there was no mention of the “sexy pahty” she promised Ricky Nipple when she guest-judged a few years back - DEAR GOD, I DIED CRINGING). You know it took me a good twenty minutes before I remembered that we woz without Alesha this year. How telling.
One more pro-dance to report back on – Darcey and the WONDERFUL Ian Waite. I had high expectations after their elegant balletic jive a few years ago, but, in truth, I was a little disappointed with their American Smooth come Rumba come Show Dance. In fairness, there were many positives - I loved the choreography, the lifts were epic and she still creates these *incredible* lines, but I swear I saw some wobbles here and there and she just looked a bit uneasy. Maybe she was thinking about Jerry's legs still... Let's concentrate instead on Ian – boobalicious. Someone's been joining Robin down the gym - and is going to wear a silky purple open shirt to bloody well show it.
(The pairings happened too and I've detailed my thoughts here.)
The lovely Mika then performed, with his own dancers (BAH), before we were eventually treated to the least worst first celeb group dance I think we’ve seen to date! Hooray! Well done series 10 slebs – sure, it had an air of the usual omnishambles, but at least it looked like they knew where they were supposed to be standing and more-or-less what moves to do at any one time. Louis was unsurprisingly excellent, not only backflipping, but spinning Flavia around in a move that the Daily Mail thought was performed by two pros (I know! Their fact-checking record is usually so exemplary!), but it was hard to pick out anyway who appeared overwhelmingly rubbish. The truth is, there's no-one I really want to leave first and the first dance-off is going to be TOUGH.
Can’t wait. See you on the 5th.
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