2012 Pairings and their Sweepstaker

Fern Britton and Artem Chigvintsev – drawn by Vicki

Team Fartem. YES PEOPLE, THAT'S TEAM FARTEM. When Artem was announced as her partner, Fern looked stunned, but no-one else was surprised that Artem wasn’t given a frontrunner this year. (Perhaps Fern sees herself as a contender? Ahem.) To express her delight, Fern started kneading Artem’s naked midriff and saying “it's like Christmas”. She then likened him to a library book - if it's Fifty Shades of Grey she has in mind, Artem could well be in trouble.

 

But how will they do? It would be a wise move for Fartem to quickly claim the 'I just want to get to Wembley' slot.

 

Dani Harmer and Vincent 'Vinthent' Simone - drawn by Dan

The teeniest team Strictly has ever known – and Dani must be particularly teeny, as Vinthent looked a few inches higher than her.  She might have just been nervous, but she didn't give off much charisma or charm on the night - more of a surly, sulky vibe.  I'm looking forward to seeing what pet name Vinthent gives her.  I suspect an Italian swearword.

 

How will they do?  Vinthent has charm enough for two, but I fear the core Strictly audience might not warm to Dani. 

 

Victoria Pendleton and Brendan Cole – drawn by Jo

Oh yes, that's a good idea – give the bully taskmaster partner to the girl that cries a lot.  However, if they get on, then there's much potential here.  Brendan looked pretty delighted with his pairing and I too was totally bowled over by how completely gorgeous Victoria is, in spite of her extreme Croydon facelift.  And that stomach!  Olympic.  She and Flavia will have to have an ab-off.

 

How will they do? It was hard to tell whether she had rhythm in the group dance, but if she does, she's gorgeous and fit enough to easily make the last few weeks.

 

Sid Owen and Ola Jordan – drawn by Justine

Sola power (thank you The Internet).  Ola did well to disguise her irritation that she didn't get one of the younger ones (i.e., Louis), but Ricky was over the moon and immediately admitted having had erotic dreams about Ola.  He didn’t specify whether or not husband James had been involved.

 

How will they do?  Wembley or thereabouts.

Nicky Byrne and Karen Hauer - drawn by Abi

Hilariously, Venezuelan Karen has no idea who Westlife are, nor has heard any of their songs.  Lucky, lucky girl.  As for Nicky, that Irish charm is hard to ignore and I'm sure a core part of the Strictly viewership are long, long, longstanding Westlife fans.  Nicky's hoping that the rest of Westlife will be picking up the phone and voting for him. Well, apart from the bankrupt one, probably.

 

How will they do?  Top 5 at least.

 

Johnny Ball and Aliona Vilani – drawn by Martine

Well, Johnny seems lovely and Aliona seems quietly resigned to her fate that it's only fair she shouldn’t get someone who is young, fit and clearly destined to win again this year – she’s even got rid of the red hair, which more than hints at her muted mood.  However, I predict her first routine will still be like all of her others.  She'll plonk Johnny in the middle of the stage and do lots of sexy dancing around him.  For the record, I'm not remotely thrilled at the prospect.

 

How will they do?  Think of a number, Johnny!  Is it a very, very, very low number?  If so, that will probably be the number of weeks before you leave.

 

Kimberley Walsh and Pasha Kovalev - drawn by Ben

I'm just really upset about Pasha's awful new hair and I'd ask that everyone please respect my privacy at this difficult time.

 

How will they do? Finalists, surely.

 

Jerry Hall and Anton du Beke – drawn by Laura

I find myself in a quandary.  My feelings about Anton are well-documented and well-known, so, in any ordinary world, I’d be hoping for an early du Beke exit.  However! Jerry Hall: amazeball.  I flipping LOVE her!  For me, she was the star of the launch show – such a captivating presence and, best of all, properly funny. (“I'm hoping to inspire drag queens everywhere.”) That drawl!  No wonder rock stars were like putty in her well-manicured hands.  I just hope Anton actually tries to teach her to DANCE. Her comedic skills will be more than showcased in the interviews.

 

How will they do? They'll beat out a good few better dancers before it's their turn to leave.

 

Lisa Riley and Robin Windsor – drawn by Louise

Against the odds, the happiest coupling of the night!  Lisa looked properly elated and even though Robin is TOTALLY DUE A GOOD ONE, he sprinted over to Lisa, looking thoroughly overjoyed, immediately bear-hugged her, lifted her up and span her around – proving those enormous gym bunny arm muscles are not just for show.  Lisa completely won me over – she seems a delightful girl.  “Chubbas can move" she predicts.  I do hope so.

 

How will they do? If there’s any justice, they'll stay a good few weeks for pure joyfulness.

 

Denise van Outen and James Jordan – drawn by ME!

Team Van Dan!  Team VaJ!  Team Essex!  Etc.

 

How will they do?  I don't think they'll win (damn that £1 investment), but I'm hopeful for a semi.
Final. 
A semi-final.  Sheesh.

 

Michael Vaughan and Natalie Lowe – drawn by Terry

We've already been told to expect lots of Aussie/England rivalrous banter – I fear that will require a full circuitry fembot reboot and they'll have to get the engineers in to launch the Sense-of-Humour override and prepare to rewire the Steely Ambition motherboard, before they can input Banter Upgrade version 10.0.

 

How will they do? Natalie, for all my reservations, has shown herself to be a strong teacher (it's part of her programming), so they could do well.  Wembley for starters.  So long as he can, you know, dance.

 

Louis Smith and Flavia Cacace – drawn by Beth

What a score for our Flavs!  She's still sporting her Duane Dibbly hair, I see.  

 

How will they do?  Winners.

 

Richard Arnold and Erin Boag – drawn by Isabelle

Poor Erin – she totally deserved a shot this year.  She's been there since the start and has never won.  Surely that's not fair recompense for having to deal with Anton?  But she put a brave, if manic, face on it anyway.

 

How will they do? Isabelle won't be winning the sweepstake this year.  I fear they might be first out.

 

Colin Salmon and Kristina Rhianoff – drawn by Julie

Weirdest pairing ever – Kristina barely reaches his nipples.  Also, and more importantly, Kristina’s new hair is too flat.  Get the hairspray back out, Kristina, and start backcombing, pronto.  Frankly, I’m on the edge, Strictly pro hair-wise, and need some to see some platinum volume to make it ok.

 

How will they do?  I fear the British voting public won't give them the telephone backing their dance attempts may well deserve.  Let’s see if they survive the first few weeks...

Disclaimer: if I'm wrong on my predictions, it's cause of the dance-off.  OK?  Ahem.