Fern Britton
Cuddly TV presenter, on the fringes of national treasuredom (?). She may not seem primed for the glitterball, but she showed some cheeky potential when she did the Christmas special with Matthew Cutler a few years back. (Oh, lovely Matt Cutler... I was delighted to see that he made the guest list for Katya's (RIP) recent Hello sponsored wedding to Klaus Kongsdal, her wonderfully named dance AND life partner, but I’m sad to say our Matt’s not looking quite as, um, taut, as you might remember. Perhaps he’d just had a few too many glasses of champagne.) As for Fern, give her a good partner and she might even make it past Wembley...
Cuddly TV presenter, on the fringes of national treasuredom (?). She may not seem primed for the glitterball, but she showed some cheeky potential when she did the Christmas special with Matthew Cutler a few years back. (Oh, lovely Matt Cutler... I was delighted to see that he made the guest list for Katya's (RIP) recent Hello sponsored wedding to Klaus Kongsdal, her wonderfully named dance AND life partner, but I’m sad to say our Matt’s not looking quite as, um, taut, as you might remember. Perhaps he’d just had a few too many glasses of champagne.) As for Fern, give her a good partner and she might even make it past Wembley...
Could be paired with: Robin would be a delicious match.
Jerry Hall
Texan giantess/supermodel. Has the moves like the ex Mrs Jagger (boom boom), but I'm not hopeful they will be that good – especially not if the ‘former Stone wife’ track record is anything to go by (Jo Wood anyone?). I’m hoping for grande dame hilarity though. Also the timeless comedy visual of Jerry standing next to Vinthent.
Texan giantess/supermodel. Has the moves like the ex Mrs Jagger (boom boom), but I'm not hopeful they will be that good – especially not if the ‘former Stone wife’ track record is anything to go by (Jo Wood anyone?). I’m hoping for grande dame hilarity though. Also the timeless comedy visual of Jerry standing next to Vinthent.
Could be paired with: Anton. Or Artem perhaps - surely it's his turn for an oldie and he probably won't manifestly sulk throughout the launch show if he gets Jerry.
Dani Harmer
CBBC's Tracy Beaker – which I've not read or seen, but I understand to be a 'spirited' character, so if Dani was type-cast in that role, her training partner might have to brace himself. She's only 23, but looks considerably older and fairly terrifying.
CBBC's Tracy Beaker – which I've not read or seen, but I understand to be a 'spirited' character, so if Dani was type-cast in that role, her training partner might have to brace himself. She's only 23, but looks considerably older and fairly terrifying.
Could be paired with: Vinthent (for littleness).
Victoria Pendleton
Multiple Olympic champ. Gorgeous of face and muscled of thigh. It's like her entire sporting career was designed for her to retire, clutching golds galore, just in perfect time to do Strictly Come Dancing (and if obtaining a place on SCD isn't the ultimate motivation for seeking fame and success, I don't know what is). She has the focus, fitness and flatness of stomach. Let's hope she can dance.
Multiple Olympic champ. Gorgeous of face and muscled of thigh. It's like her entire sporting career was designed for her to retire, clutching golds galore, just in perfect time to do Strictly Come Dancing (and if obtaining a place on SCD isn't the ultimate motivation for seeking fame and success, I don't know what is). She has the focus, fitness and flatness of stomach. Let's hope she can dance.
Could be paired with: my sweepstakee James Jordan please.
Lisa Riley
Famous fatty – with a body of sterling work on Emmerdale and You’ve Been Framed. But before you discount her, listen to this quote from the Mirror: “Someone who has seen Lisa Riley says she can do the splits, so will be more flexible than people realise.” Wowsers! Someone who has SEEN Lisa Riley, says she can do the splits... Let’s just take a moment to reflect on the quality of post-Levenson journalism.
Famous fatty – with a body of sterling work on Emmerdale and You’ve Been Framed. But before you discount her, listen to this quote from the Mirror: “Someone who has seen Lisa Riley says she can do the splits, so will be more flexible than people realise.” Wowsers! Someone who has SEEN Lisa Riley, says she can do the splits... Let’s just take a moment to reflect on the quality of post-Levenson journalism.
Could be paired with: no idea. She would squash Vinthent, but that wouldn’t deter the Strictly powers. Her inclusion will be totally worth it for Artem's freak-out if they are paired together. *Crosses everything*
Denise van Outen
Ladette brekkie presenter turned musicals darling. She should be able to quickly grasp choreography and direction but I fear she might display that joyless Ricky Nipple determination to win that just turns everyone off – besides Natalie Lowe already has that role and fembot is programmed to destroy.
Ladette brekkie presenter turned musicals darling. She should be able to quickly grasp choreography and direction but I fear she might display that joyless Ricky Nipple determination to win that just turns everyone off – besides Natalie Lowe already has that role and fembot is programmed to destroy.
Could be paired with: Brendan. She seems tall. Is she tall?
Kimberley Walsh
Kimba, my third favourite Girl Aloud (she's the one that's not ginge, partied-out, bitter that her solo career tanked or Cheryl Cole) surely stands a fair old chance, but because she's a stage school graduate, rather than because Girl Alouding provided a good dance training ground. Honestly, have you SEEN them dance? Their early videos are a hilarious hot mess, so since that, they've basically had them sitting on motorbikes or lounging around a Grand Design, to avoid having them, like, move. Kimba may need to slightly tone her Northern for SCDs core audience, unless the Chelseh effect has permanently broken them in.
Kimba, my third favourite Girl Aloud (she's the one that's not ginge, partied-out, bitter that her solo career tanked or Cheryl Cole) surely stands a fair old chance, but because she's a stage school graduate, rather than because Girl Alouding provided a good dance training ground. Honestly, have you SEEN them dance? Their early videos are a hilarious hot mess, so since that, they've basically had them sitting on motorbikes or lounging around a Grand Design, to avoid having them, like, move. Kimba may need to slightly tone her Northern for SCDs core audience, unless the Chelseh effect has permanently broken them in.
Could be paired with: Pasha. Mmmmm. Pasha.
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