Nick and Karen - Team Nick Hewer
Marvel as Nicky, still wearing the glitter dandruff shoulder pads, strikes the perfect superhero pose, complete with good pec action, whilst, oddly, Karen Newbie is hiding behind him – it’s unclear whether this is in order to look thin (LIKE YOU NEED TO WORRY, NEWBIE) or to get as close as possible to the animal magnetism that can only be aroused by a member of Westlife. Either way, it’s likely to render the Westlife fan world insane with jealousy – not a wise move when that’s your main – and powerful - voting base.
Louis
and Flavia - Team Flouia
Flavia’s scarlet outfit would be gorgeous as a dress, but no – we have jumpsuit. Even though the prod team finally relented and gave her someone good in Louis, they can’t help but still show a little Flav hate by putting her in something even Tess might hesitate over. (I lie – obviously TessDressMess would LEAP at the chance to wear a horror like this red-slacks-hideousness.) I also note that Louis is so handsome that his terrible facial hair has no bearing on his extreme attractiveness.
Michael
and Natalie – Team Michalie
That
Natalie’s body looks amazing is not the point. The point is she’s treating
Michael like an upright chaise-longue, and while he may well dance like an
inanimate object (that remains to be seen), it’s all just far too Me Me Me –
which I suppose is out of character for Nat in NO WAY WHATSOEVER. Having said that, who wants to look at Michael’s
pelvic posing and akimbo legs, when such a flipping gorgeous dress is in the shot? Exactly - no-one. I would however recommend a glance at their
faces, which is a lesson in the evils of botox and/or Photoshop.
Jerry
and Anton – Team Ton and Jerry
How
is it possible that Jerry is making Anton palatable to me?!?! The power of that woman is terrifying! This has all the hallmarks of classic awful Anton
– the way he’s showing off his cringe-inducing high kicks and opting for the
most ridiculous DAHNCE pose of all – and yet, AND YET, I’m not cringing, I’m
chuckling. I think it’s because you can see
the genuine terror in Anton’s eyes, as it looks like Jerry would have no qualms
about whipping his head 90 degrees and breaking it off like a Ken doll. She is nothing short of fab-u-lous.
Lisa
and Robin – Team Ri-Ro
Look
how well she’s doing cheeky soap character face! Look how well he’s doing proper
adoration! Love them. May they stay for many weeks – not least so
that Robin can model at least some of his 2012 sheer and string vest top
collection.
Colin
and Kristina – Team Salmonoff
OK,
I’m on board with the volume of Kristina’s hair here – even though I have a
mild preference for full platinum bob-bouffe, at least it no longer looks like
she killed a million Barbies and Uhu-ed the hair on. In fact, they look glamorous and dashing, in
spite of Colin’s mild ankle swingers and the disturbing thought that that might
be an male all-in-one.
Kimberley
and Pasha – Team Pashsh
Whoop! They’ve post-produced Pash's hair into something
military and acceptable, rather than the slicked-back greasy horror it really is! Kimberley also looks very beautiful, though I’m
not 100% convinced by the flesh pocket look. I do covet the belly dancer bikini top, however –
although I think I’ll leave it off my ‘To Get’ list until I’ve done a million sit-ups. Which means I should probably add 'a million sit-ups to my ‘To Do’
list... Pffff.
Victoria
and Brendan – Team Brendleton
I’m
not sure I’ve ever seen such tight clothing on a man – and that includes Robin’s
tops, Anton’s trousers and all the Olympic rowers. Brendan’s doing
his best with shiny bridesmaid lilac, but it’s not an easy colour or fabric for a man to work, even a testosterone-fuelled man dancer like Brendan. It’s not helped by that beef-up-the-arms pose,
which ends up leaving his stomach area exposed – this wouldn’t ordinarily be an
issue, but compared to Vic’s abs... Well... No contest - and maybe that’s the reason for the defensive body language? Victoria looks amazing, but the cocked leg doesn’t
bode well on the dance front, does it?
Needs more jazz hands.
Fern
and Artem – Team Fartem
Kudos
to Artem for his loving gaze as Fern rests her frame on his man area. Or perhaps that’s a natural reaction. (I said
REACTION. Jeez.) Fern’s hair is a bit
just-got-out-of-bed – again, I will note cast aspersions on what that might mean. Also of note: nice spats and fringing.
Denise
and James – Team VaJordazzle
No
amount of Photoshop can erase the pain James is pretending not to feel. You can tell he was the one that egged this
position on, only to severely regret it, once Denise had mounted. Not only is there
obvious back pain, but look at her hand on his shoulder – she is gripping for dear old life
there. There’s a steely determination in
Den’s eyes, but I’d forgotten how likeable I find her. Also likeable – that dress. Like she’s shot and skinned the glitterball.
Dani
and Vinthent – Team Borrower
OK,
I’m just going to say it – she’s either constipated or just passed wind on the
Simone crotch. (I suspect the latter, as
Vinthent looks like he’s just noticed something’s up.) I’ve yet to see the Harmer Charm and this
shot doesn’t help. I don’t even covet
the orange fringing - though perhaps that's because it has something of the seventies lampshade about it.
Richard
and Erin – Team Noldboag
MY
FAVOURITE HOT MESS OF THEM ALL! Where to
begin? Richard pelvic thrusting Erin’s
neck? Erin’s ill-fitting bodice? Her ‘I’ve just spent seven hours in a
night-club in the eighties’ sweat and volume hair styling?
I’m not sure they were both even there when the photo was taken – they could
easily have just cut and pasted one of them in, it’s so random. However, one thing can’t be doubted: if you
want to feel pure fear, take a look into Erin’s eyes – it will actually make
you shiver. MISS WHIPLASH FOR THE WIN.
More
interesting than this shot, is this in-no-way-staged photo of Johnny and Aliona just casually practising in a Slough car park. Aliona’s agent may not have much imagination,
but (s)he knows the power of sticking Aliona in leggings in a public forum and
getting her to lunge. It’s all the more important
to ensure a high-profile fake-pap lycra shot when the official shot practically
has Aliona in a burqa, by her standards.
Calf-length streamers for a skirt?
Are you kidding me? (screamed Aliona.)
Cynicism aside, I think they actually look quite cute, but, come the competition, Aliona won’t just
let him waltz, will she? Just you wait –
I predict a maths lesson-themed ballroom display, with, like, sums and
multiplication and giant calculators and EVERYTHING.
Sid
and Ola – Team Sola Power
It’s
a more modest version of the Kristina-Donovan leg clamp from last year’s partnering
show. In that bolero, Sid looks less paso-hot and more like an ex-pat freshly arrived on the
Costa del Crime about to have his first go at bullfighting: El Walford Matador. As for Ola, well, she looks resigned to her mid-table fate, again (though she is married to James, so I’d imagine
she’s had to develop a strong level of patience over the years). That is also one BIG bracelet, but that
could just be an optical illusion, as they have post-produced the hell out of
this one, so that Ola’s body looks way too top heavy. Then again, Ola, top-heavy... OK, ignore me.
