Series 9 - Week 1 - Part 1

Friday night? 9pm? It must be time for... well, Strictly Come Dancing 2011 apparently! (Even though it's not a weekend teatime in Britain with half of the nation chomping at the bit and stroking their thighs in anticipation of, well, a high profile karaoke show on the other channel.) Confession: I was out after work for a friend's birthday thing last night, fully intending to be home after one or two ciders to watch the show live. However... Well, those of you who know Becky Honeyman will fully understand why I failed to make it home until 2.30am.

Still, rejoice, rejoice, rejoice for the iPlayer. What a way to deal with a hangover!

And so we're off! Whoop!

Some observations on the opening 2011 credits:

1. James Jordan looks demonic.
2. They've made Holly Valance look like she has a double chin (!!!!)
3. Vinthent hasn't yet mastered his brave face.

Also, 4. Robin's wearing the best costume in the credits (the tightie whitie lycra tux with braces – clearly this year's poo suit), but that's of no surprise. What a man.

Actually whilst I'm on the costumes, let's just get Tess Dress Mess out the way as it's not so potent tonight - just an unflattering shapeless grape-coloured sack with some random cloth flaps hanging off it. Of course.

And so, let's meet the staaaaars of our show! Our new BFFs and potential money makers! Is it just me or is Brendan looking a little portly of belly? Robbie Savage is already demonstrating his likeablity (slim to nil) by getting one nipple out and Vinthent appears to be wearing velvet lounge pyjamas. What a wee trouper.

First up, Team Holtem. (Or Team Chigance. Or Team Valvintsev etc.) Artem, in a pale yellow bowling shirt, is rocking BOTH nipples out. Take that, Savage. I think I might quite like Valance (that awful misogynistic Fosters ad aside), mainly because she used the phrase “that boggled my marbles” in her VT. That boggled my marbles?!?!? What on earth does that even mean?! Len must be seriously pissed off he didn't think of that one first. (Indeed, it must boggle his marbles.)

I always forget how stiff, terrified and, well, a bit rubbish the celebs are when they start, though Valance acquitted herself damn well. She's got rhythm, looks rather gorge, and, like Felicity, she's bennnnnnnnnnnndy. Indeed, she was rewarded for her display of stretchiness by Bruno performing a stretchiness display of his own, as he cocked his leg totally vertically, aligning it with his own ear. We shouldn't be surprised. It *is* Bruno.

Next were Scary Katya and Dan Lobb-On, you know - the ITV Chris Hollins, which says it all really. (MIAOW! Mwahaha.) I find him a bit smugly annoying, I'm afraid - for starters, he needs to stop the effing running man gag (once was already once too many) and enough with the gurning and mugging to the camera already! However, I did rather like Lobb On on the dance floor, so if Katya can now terrify him into NOT TALKING MUCH, as well as dancing quite elegantly, we could well be ok - the Matt Baker shiny face sweats aside.

But why so much pale yellow on the costume front? *sigh* It would appear that custard baby sick is the themed colour this year. There's something about that colour that makes everything look like it's made of that horrible seventies throwback static nylon which offers zero temperature control and causes inevitable odour issues. Not good. Especially for, you know, dancing.

Third up... Well, poor Lulu – I believe the term is 'a hot mess'. At least she can take solace in the fact that, despite her resemblance to a lollipop (yegods, her head is just massive - crazily disproportionately large for her teeny teeny body), she has an amazingly youthfully crafted face, with incredible apples-for-cheekbones.

All I'll say about Lulu's 'dance' is 'GILF at a wedding' – and that it was perfect fodder for the judges, who totally made me 'lol'. We got everything you would expect – an array of Lulu impressions and Eurovision puns. (Probably best to get them all out the way at once, as I fear our Lulu won't last too long.)

I thought Natalie was going to cry before her and Audley's dance, then remembered that she's not programmed to show weakness. Her 'Get The Excuses In Early' chip was enabled though; “we've only had three days training and everyone else has had three weeks.” Whiney whine whine. Her other tactic seemed to be: let's not let Audley do much, which he, you know, did well enough. And it's true that he moves smoothly for a massive man mountain with size 17(!!!!) feet. But he's also, well, quite boring.

So, as you know, I missed the show as it was broadcast and watched the replay, but whilst it was on (and as more drinks kept appearing at the pub, courtesy, I believe, of fellow sweepstaker Louise Marfany), Abi texted me to say “Ola wearing nowt but a tassel!”. !!! And I was not disappointed when I saw that tassel – barely any material, yet still enough for tye-dye. Hola Ola. As for her partner, it's hard to judge Robbie Savage's dance potential yet, as the dance was light on content and high on man nipple and pouting. I'm not sure he's a natural but he did look like he had put the effort in to learn the moves and to try and do what Ola expected of him – though the woman would clearly stab him with a stilleto in the goolies if he didn't. Savage is clearly smarter than last year's Welsh sportsbeef Henson. But that's hardly praise, is it?

Penultimately, (so soon?!? The show just flew by!) Team Dobbin – LIKEABILITY OVERFLOW!!! I instinctively LURRRVE them. Cue VT: “This isn't something you see me doing every day” coos Robin, with a twinkle in his eye, as he lingeringly presses his giant hands over Anita's little lady boobs, as he sticks an L plate on her chest. HE'S MY FAVOURITE TIMES A BILLION. I fear Anita will struggle with the latin, but she did a truly lovely ballroom – so sweet and genuine and schmaltztastic (in a good way! Go figure!) that it completely melted my cynical waltz-hating heart. #sodthesweepstake #dobbinforthewin #sorryjason

Also melting my heart - my token-fat-comedy-celeb-hating heart - was Russell Grant. He's totally aces! What a flippin mover! To be honest, I didn't even look at Flavia and she was wearing a scarlet bum skimming ice-skating costume! No, well done to Team Flavell for a *very* enjoyable performance, which, let's not forget, started with Russell Grant COMING OUT OF A GIANT OYSTER SHELL. That my licence fee can happily go to. The next bit of my licence fee can go to whoever dug out the archive clip of him in the shiny glitter shirt and curly mullet - what eighties joy.

And after they were done, Strictly bingo cards at the ready, just before you thought it might be too late, Tess managed to get a bitch in: “that was certainly the campest cha cha Strictly's ever seen”. It's not even what she says, is it? It's the way she says it. A sneer behind the smile. Though I suppose we shouldn't forget that the poor dear was a) dressed in a sack and b) is married to Vernon Kaye – surely enough to bring out the worst in any of us.

So there we go! We're only halfway through our performances and it's already looking rather good! I'd just say that Craig R-H needs to perk up and unclench a bit – he looked furious throughout. But still mucho, mucho glitterball joy potential.

Tomorrow: Nancy Dell'Olio.