Halloween Week. It promises so much, yet... Actually hang on. Does it promise that much? Or is it that we’re offered so much Halloween Hype that our eyes turn into unthinking pumpkinbots who can’t work out that a large pile of flammable hair pieces and brightly coloured contact lenses might not be the only key to an amazing dance...?
Oh miaow, but it’s not untrue. This was a bit of a lacklustre one at times for me, though PLENTY to get our apple-bobbing teeth into. Disclaimer: I have not apple-bobbed since a Halloween party at Nature Club in 1987. Apples and face full of water - least appealing Halloween treat.
Speaking of unappealing treats, Simon’s dancing, boom boom. It was his turn to leave though I couldn’t help but enjoy their... let’s generously call it a ‘dance’. We saw Rimmer leaping about in soon-to-meet-his-maker-on-the-toilet Elvis sideburns, whilst Karen did all the waltz-y work dressed as Bellatrix Bonham-Carter trying to assassinate Harry Potter with a chicken thigh - at a medieval banquet, no less. So make of that theme what you will. (Not a clue.) Well done Simon, you took dad dancing to another level. I was expecting him to be way too Top Gear for my tastes, but his joy has been quite infectious, so I’m a little sad to see him go.
Bet Mollie was a bit relieved though. Dance-off shocker! Except not really, as this is where better (but not best) dancers start to get taken out by Anton-power. For yes, we are talking about a show where a middle-aged man in a pale taupe knitted sweater vest and inexplicable giant rabbit tail stapled to his bottom will regularly out-popularity-contest a gorgeous blondie in skintight red catsuit and devil horns. Both were camp (Bewitched quickstep v Kylie cha cha), but it was AJ what won it - in his scarlet bolero and high waisted SUPER tight trousers. Baby AJ costume-watch is totally a thing now. Like deciding what cutesy outfit you want to stick your toddler in for special occasions - AJ as an elf or Christmas pudding next then. And let’s not forget Ruth wig-watch: a rather more fetching Catherine Deneuve this week.
The DO result does suggest that Jonnie and Susan are riding high as crowd favourites, surviving what were - and I say this with love - a couple of outright stinkers. I don’t want to go over Susan’s Game of Throne number in too much detail as I’ve not seen the latest series and I’m worried about spoilers (damn you George RR for not writing the books more quickly, damn you Sky for hogging the TV rights, and damn you me for not having the millennial wherewithal to know how to illegally download HBO seasons). Still, Susan looked magnificent as a platinum blonde and Kevin looked, um, interesting, as the non-C4 Jon Snow. I’m sorry the judges made Susan a bit sad, but onwards Calman! To the jive. Oh.
Onwards Peacock too, cause that pirate cha cha... Well. Hmm. Right. So. Ok. Look. Erm... Basically I’m not sure what happened there, but now he’s survived, it’s safe to say it: that cha cha cha was mince. I mean he looked VERY hot and he got all three of my votes (the two are NOT connected) but even Total Babe Oti wasn’t feeling that one.
Still, I preferred it to Gemma’s jive, which gets a big thumbs down for portraying Buffy as a simpering school-girlie who looked a bit sad when she killed her vampire boyf. No. NO. Buffy was magnificently hardcore and the Angel scenario was waaaaaay more complex and heartbreaking than a bit of a giggle then opening up a window of daylight and looking vexed. You can do better Gem. You trained at the Hollyoaks School of Dram... Oh.
Aljaz as Angel though. Hello. It might have been a great jive in a more trad context, but this one wasn’t for me. Yes to another Buffy attempt next year thigh. Let’s get Faith/Xander in a sexually ambiguous tango.
Elsewhere Joe and Katya’s Black widow foxtrot bagged a very successful concept - but AGAIN with the inappropriate Coldplay *sigh*. Trouble, whilst a good enough song, is hardly the dramatic score you’d expect for an arachnoid crime of passion/murder scenario. Or perhaps I’m just smarting that it took quite a few “I spun a webbbbbb for youuuuuu” before it clicked. Oh, I spun A WEB. Web like a spider's web. A WEB. Ohhhhhh.
Sister Sledge’s Frankie isn’t an ideal charleston piece either, but man what a CHOON. Such an excellent guilty pleasure, so absolutely worth shoehorning in for a Frankie-enstein theme. Also worth slapping Gio in green make-up and an acrylic mullet, which made him look properly fugly, especially as he looked delighted to be so bad looking - Italian vanity never wanes. Debbie was as good as ever but I’m just not getting the emosh (though I would LOVE to see an older woman win the show that fired Arlene for daring to age). Also points off for taking far too long to perform a costume change. Call yourself a magician’s assistant, Debs?! That’s magic 101, surely.
She did nip Aston to the top of the leaderboard though, in spite of his incredible paso to Smells Like Teen Spirit. Nirvana on Strictly? Amazing. (Though I’ll only be really impressed when it’s Rage Against The Machine, full swearing version.) Darcey was particularly impressed with Aston's posture: “How you pushed that pelvis out... Stunning.” LOLLLLLZ.
Also stunning, Alex’s zombie tango. And, not far off, Davood’s rumba, helped by Wicked Game (oooooh aaaaaaah bloody LOVE that song) and a coherent concept: Davood tries to sexy-dance with a dead loved ghosty one who keeps disappearing and doing some rumba poses whilst Davood in a blouse and Immac-ed pecs looks on sad and wistfully. It was poignant and slinky and even Mr Cad was moved to say “was that a rumba I liked?”. Well sort of, is the answer, as Craig and Shirley got a bit peeved because it was really a contemporary number disguised as a rumba. Good old Shirls, outraging the audience and saying it like she saw it - merrily throwing a bit of shade at Nadiya’s choreography. Though not as much shade as Claude got for her bad posture in whatever they’re now calling Len’s Lens. Don’t slouch in front of SB, dear. Ouchie.
What else happened? Oh LOLLLLLZ, yes - STEPS performed. MwaHAHAHA. Can you believe no pro dancers volunteered to step up for that one? I wish I could admit I didn’t enjoy their appearance but there’s much delight to be had from guessing which ones hate the others the most after all these years (poor Lisa. Still.)
We were also treated to a couple of spooky pro-dances - one creepy Versailles wigs and corsets pro-dance in which make-up went all out with the white powder budget, and a brilliantly preposterous number in which Brendan got to live out his ‘I am Edward from Twilight/Tom Cruise in that vampire film look at my puffy blouse and tight trousers’ fantasies. Basically Brendan writhed around on a giant bed then got hoisted up into the air and writhed around some more, as pros of both sexes pole-danced in black lace and feathers. It was quite good really - you know, in a Brendan is ridiculous way.
Also good/ridiculous, Darcey as Sexy Red Riding Hood on Saturday, then appearing on Sunday in a dress consisting of lace knickers and a satin tablecloths. Tess did shoulder pad/Lady Di/Morticia red velvet cocktail out, whilst Claudia - who's still riding high from blouse magnificience - just turned up in the offshoots of the pro dance. But the absolute costume-related highlight was Bruno, lamenting his hastily applied really can’t be arsed ‘scary panda’ make-up (I can’t see what else it might have been) and comparing himself to Craig’s brilliant Joker. Standing up and going full latin, he proclaimed “Bravo to hair and make-up! Everyone looks wonderful! Except me, I’m being punished." Sarky look towards Craig and pouty wave of the hand. "I look like his mother.” Maybe you had to be there, but my, how I lolled.
Back to ‘normality’ this weekend, though it’s got to be shock boot time - the power of Jonnie, Anton and Susan probably too strong for the likes of Gemma or Mollie? We shall see. Let the “I just want to get to Blackpool” games begin. Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepetc
No comments:
Post a Comment