2015 - Week 5

Five thoughts:

1. Ainsley has left us too soon. He was far more fun to watch than Carol, Kirsty, Jamelia and Jeremy-on-a-ballroom-week. 

2. Anton needs to be banned from teaching or choreographing Latin. What a shambles. Get Ian Waite in! Job-shares are a progressive move, anyway. Anton would enjoy the time off to sup tea with Widde and go tie shopping. 

3. Jeremy must do Latin dances only. I AM SERIOUS PEOPLE. It will be a travesty if we are not treated to some paso cape-work and rumba hip action before he goes. 

4. Yes, Kirsty was better, but still massively overmarked. Has she signed up for the tour...? *innocent face*

5. New lows were reached with that synchronised-swimming pro-routine. I

know charlestons are supposed to be goofy, but the beachballography was especially shoddy. Watching ballroom world champion Joanne Clifton - who was employed, let us not forget, solely for the pro-dances - gurn and roll on an inflated ball seemed a bit of a waste.

6. Yes, this a sixth thought but how could I forget?!!!!!! 

"BULL'S BOLLOCKS!"

*cries laughter*

7. (Seven thoughts, it's fine.) After an underwhelming weekend, which was uninspiring to blog (the main concern, let's face it), I find myself in the unusual position of looking forward to Halloween week. Not only have I embraced Halloween this year, to the extent that I will be dressing my baby as a glow-in-the-dark skeleton, but I also know there'll be something to mock. Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

2015 - Week 4

No longer a star of our show: Wee Daniel - the pipes, the pipes, have called Danny Boy away, a little too soon for my liking. He fell between two (Westlife?) stools; his airline pilot-themed American Smooth was neither stage-school amazing nor pant-wettingly hilarious (Jeremy, yo!), but I was really enjoying his gentle improvement and gentle schtick: no-one else has ever managed to banter with Tess successfully. At least Kristina's dance sensuality and cleavage can finally be unzipped for the pro-numbers. Demure no more! Let La Rihanoff return without fear of tabloid take-down!

Dance off survivor: Kirsty's paso was the same as her other dances. She looked beautiful but her dancing was lacking something and Brendan had to shunt her around too much and blah blah I'm just going to copy and paste that now ready for next week.

Top of the leaderboard: ANTON DU WHAAAA?!?! Anton du Best - and it only took thirteen years. Katie was amazing and gorgeous, even if Wardrobe had seen fit to stick her in a high denier flesh bodystocking and shoot sequins at her boobs.  

Wardrobe's most hated: The guns (glue and staple, not muscular) were out in force; Giovanni's preposterous feather-lined nipple-grazing waistcoat and Janette's golden dandruff fringing got the brunt of it. Mind you, I remember little else of Pandre's tango and Georgia's quickstep (use of S-Club aside). 

Silky shirt-off: And indeed, shirts off and nips ahoy. Gleb (in the silky samba sky-blue corner) and Aljaž (in the silky salsa scarlet corner) both did some pec flashing for the laydeez and gaydeez - but who was better? Aljaž, of course, with his dressing up box making yet another welcome appearance. (Dr Skorjanec will see you now, if he's not too exhausted from his night shift and protesting Jeremy C... I mean, Hunt's latest measures). Elsewhere in paso land, we got 'treated' to a Robin disco vest on Brendan (oh Brendan, not without the protein shakes, dear), whilst Pasha dared a more season-appropriate polo neck. 

Straight up: Finally a dance to suit the twerky bum thrusting that Tristan likes to choreograph for Jamelia. I also very much enjoyed the Paula Abdul appearance - dressed as an unhinged WASP in foulard and yappy dog, throwing some passive-aggressive shade with the line "the strong and confident woman I hear you are, Jamelia." (Blatant code for 'bitches be sayin' you're a forthright cow, J'.). As much as I enjoy a ragtime pop cover, I do think Paula's Straight Up original is better and it further highlighted a personal regret that Opposites Attract has yet to make a Strictly appearance; I can see it fitting a cracking samba and I'm sure Lance the Singer could do a fine MC Skat Kat for Dave Arch.

Zzzzzzzzzz: Ironically, Kellie and Kevin's very competent foxtrot could have done with some lashings of Camembert to perk it up, whilst Ainsley and Natalie's waltz could have benefitted from can't-remember-the-routine improvised bumography. 

You're my favourite: YAY JEREMY! Splish splash, he was taking a bath, dressed in the most horrific turquoise vomit motif. Those long gangly limbs weren't made for jiving but who cares?!! It was joyfully hilarious. He'd better be the last duffer to go, British Public, else I'll shake my fist at you.

Hair-watch: Jay is actually very handsome, perhaps, even with that permed bouffe - or such is the power of fantastic dance that I've been blinded by his talent after last week. Why Aliona didn't keep the Uma black bob is beyond me; manchego-coloured hair is not a good look when it blends so perfectly into the same shade of fake tan. Tess Daly had the best hair of the weekend with that beehive though. Amaze.

Tessdressmess: Indeed Sunday's TessesTresses were good enough for us to gloss over Saturday's Angelina Jolie leg gothic number. Mr Cad will be disappointed to have missed Darcey Brussells' spray-on dress. 

Eighties pro dance: Where the styling was Bit Part Vampires Of Buffy... Unlike Buffy, the dance was crap - though I chuckled to see Anton and Brendan reduced to jukebox and cocktailography. 

Special guest killing time between dramatic reveal bits: I couldn't tell if Will Young's dancing was trying to be piss-rippy or serious. He dropped Aliona with convicted gusto (serious dancing) then did a move where he stood with his legs spread and wiggled from hip to hip (piss-rippy). Either way, Will for Strictly 2016!

Next week: Lovely Carol wasn't naturally suited to the paso, but sticking her in an M&S brassiere and banning smiling helped. Surely she's on for the dance-off soon though. Surely!?!?

2015 - Week 3

Saturday night at the movies... Look, there's no point in getting upset about Theme Nights any more, Strictly's gonna theme theme theme, and we might as well run with it. It has, after all, produced such classics as... Oh, am sure there were some. Nancy sipping champagne in a coffin or something? So see!

No longer a star of our show: Anthony Ogonegone.

Dance: Paso doble

Film: Rocky

Bit of a harsh outcome, I thought - to me his flamenco mugging and grunting seemed no worse (or indeed better) than Pandre's - but it is possible that Eye of the Tiger is just such a choon that I got bamboozled by the music. I was also enjoying how Wardrobeade their silky boxing robes look fresh from

Hogwarts.

Newbie note: Oti has been a fab addition to the pro cast and not just because of her boobieography (wowsers!!!). Based on what we've seen with Anthony, she's a great crafter of routines for slebs with an incomplete set or working limbs and a limited sense of timing, so I'd love to see what she could do next year with a contender.

Dance off survivors: Ainsley & Natalie's cha cha (by which I mean, the cha cha of Natalie and... nope that still makes it sound like a reference to her vagina).

Film: Happy Feet.

Ainsley didn't actually perform any choreographed cha cha steps and basically did 90 seconds of penguin freestyling whilst Natalie stifled her giggles (and we all reminisced about Michael V's legendary axe jive). But I was still quite surprised that the audience rushed to save Lovely Carol's quickstep over this, however lovely Lovely Carol may be (answer: really very lovely).

Indeed, speaking of...

Lovely Carol & Lovely Pasha's quickstep.

Film: South Pacific.

For one demographic, Carol's classic hourglass figure. For another, Pash's snug khaki trews. I guess both of those things do go some way to explaining why they survived the dance-off.

Katie & Anton's cha cha.

Film: Pretty Woman

*Trombone sound* But why did I expect anything more from an Anton latin? The choreography was Katie doing a jaunty walk in a small dress whilst Anton faffed around her, mostly off camera - trying to hide his inability to cha cha, no doubt.

Highlight: Darcey Brussells telling Katie "you look the part". I.e., you resemble a hooker. And Katie looking like she wanted to stab everyone with a stiletto.

Kellie & Kevin's charleston.

Film: Star Wars

Unbelievably, UNBELIEVABLY, this really really worked - who knew double bagel hair, space-judo outfits and lightsabers could be ballroomafied? (BTW I just checked how to spell 'lightsaber' and discovered in the process that the Star Wars wiki is called Wookieepedia, so applause to that.) Dance wise, the gorgonzolaometer was still camembert-stinkily high, but  they could have stuck Kevin in a Ewok suit (or Jar Jar Binks, perish the thought), so I think we can cut them some cheesy slack. Mmmmmm, delicious cheesy slack.

Georgia and Giovanni's rumba.

Film: Generic Bond

This was good, in that it was a bearable rumba. Though it turns out that was probably only because it included no rumba steps, much to Len's dissatisfaction - Giovanni was basically sent to the naughty step to think about what he'd done and the impact on Len's walnuts.

Helen & Aljaž's foxtrot.

Film: Some Like It Hot

A missed opportunity for Aljaž to get the drag out of his dressing up box; we needed something to jujje up Helen's almost flawless execution; really good can be really boring.

Daniel & Kristina's cha cha.

Film: Grease

MEGA LOLZ. When I told Irish friends that Daniel was doing Strictly, their eyes sort of lit up and a wry joyful mini smile appeared - and I totally get it now. Obviously Daniel couldn't cha cha but there's a winning robotic charm emanating from him, and given that he was playing John Travolta, his default facial expression of mild gormlessness worked quite well - especially when he remembered to intersperse it with mild pout, pelvic thrust and fifties combography.

Kirsty & Brendan's American Smooth.

Film: Lady and the Tramp

It takes a special kind of beauty to pull off being dressed like a sexy cocker spaniel, in TOWIE orange bodystocking and giant permed bunches, but Kirsty achieved it - so expect some dodgy copycat versions this Halloween (Sexy Poodle, Sexy Dalmatian, Sexy Pitbull, Sexy Cockerpoo etc). I actually have this very vague memory of a game we played at Brownies where, in pairs, you had to use your brownie uniform and whatever was on you to dress as a dog and its owner, then be judged by Brown Owl as if you were at Crufts. Surely that can't be a real memory - it sounds insane. Then again, the eighties...

Peter & Janette's paso doble.

Film: Pirates of the Caribbean.

It basically looked like Wardrobe had lost the original outfit, so had to pop to Primark for an emergency replacement - those floppy velvet boots and weird hat-wig were regional panto at best. Also, aren't pasos meant to be the dance where the chesticals come out, perhaps under a teeny bejewelled waistcoat? Why no belly reveal, Pandre? Surely the Mysterious Girl six pack hasn't been drunk away over the years?

Jamelia & Tristan's salsa.

Film: Charlie's Angels

The highlight was obviously the bit when Tristan manhandled Jamelia into position by literally pulling on her hair.

Jeremy & Karen's charleston

Film: Top Hat

Actually not bad! Especially since Jeremy's limbs are Go Go Gadget long, which can't make dancing easy. But what a missed opportunity to not have brother Tim Vine do the show too.

Anita & Gleb's American Smooth.

Film: Ghost

Given the amount of sexy time choreography in this (yup yup, that move where Gleb full body dry-humped his way over a laid out Anita), I'm pretty nervous about what their rumba will be like.

Jay & Aliona's jive.

Film: Pulp Fiction

Just wow.

Just WOW.

Just watch it.

And that is why I have no problem with trained dancers doing the show. Sure, it's going to make Aliona unbearable, but it was bloody amazing work, so...

What else...

Tessdressmess: Which was worst?Craig's cartoon peanut tie versus Darcey Brussells' Oscar dress made of fish scales versus Claude's large faux crystal encrusted jumpsuit. (Does that mean Tess gets a pass this week? Perhaps I wasn't paying attention.)

Pro-dance: An exciting star turn for my adopted Sarf Landan hood, with the appearance of the Horniman gardens in Sunday's show. (An even better appearance than when Binks and Alex off Made in Chelsea went on a date to the taxidermy room and looked extremely confused.) On Saturday they even they let the mere mortals get involved. Kellie's ET bike riding was the best bit - her little face cracked me up! And she had better dance/pedal work than Victoria Pendleton (though I suppose Kellie has the advantage of not having her soul crushed after several weeks of dancing with Brendan).

Next week: I'm probably done predicting at this point - I thought Anthony had a good few more weeks and I can't see Ainsley going yet. Which means I think it's Lovely Carol by default, but history is showing us that Pasha-power is strong. So who knows?!? Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep etc.

2015 - Week 2

So here we go, the week two endurance test ahoy! I missed the main show live, as Mr Cad wanted to watch Scotland in the rugby and as he's given up seven autumns for Strictly, it only seemed fair. Not sure what happens if Scotland play on another Saturday night though... One match, sure. Two matches...

Anyway, what occurred?

No longer a star of our show: Ciao for now, Iwan & Ola. I actually thought their cha cha was hilare - LMFAO was an apt soundtrack. Ola must've smelt the last chance saloon, as she threw everything she had at it; pecsography, assography, tattooography, thrustography, hair-extensionsography... But it wasn't to be. Surely that's it for Mrs Jordan now? At least she had her swansong in a trademark Ola outfit of dental floss and streamers. 

I'm not sad that we won't have to endure any more Iwan, but it's still worth re-watching this dance to see Dave Arch having a right old groove on the keyboards as he and his wonderful orchestra pump out a surprisingly acceptable version of I'm Sexy And I Know It. 

Dance off survivors: Jamelia & Tristan, which says a lot about her popularity (the forums certainly no likee). Dance-wise, even I could see her legs were too bendy - a well known cha cha cha no no no - and I wasn't that impressed by her twerking either, in spite of Tristan doing his best to rouse things, by yelling "SEXY SEXXXXAAAAY" during the bootyography (thank you for that reveal, Len's lens). On the other hand, Jamelia did look a vision in emerald party streamers, though poor Tristan must be fed up of donning that particular shade. I believe it's called Top O The Morning To Ya Father Ted Riverdance Boyzone Westlife U2 Brian O'Driscoll Guinness Leprechaun Blarney Stone Four-Leaf Clover Green, and is available in the Valspar paint collection range. 

And how did everyone else get on?

Daniel & Kristina's charleston: It was good to get Robo Daniel safely past such a mugging/expressive dance, but props to Kristina for putting in a lolz-some solo section to please Daniel's fan army. I also enjoyed the emphasis in the VT on LOOK DANIEL'S GOT A WIFE LOOK AT HIS WIFE HER NAME IS MAJELA SHE IS HIS WIFE MAJELA HIS WIFE IS HANGING OUT WITH KRISTINA WHO IS SHOWING NO SIGNS OF STEALING DANIEL SHE LIKES HIS WIFE NOTHING TO SEE HERE ETC ETC. Indeed that storyline was further backed up by a rather demure charleston dress, which was totes gorge and ironically ended up reinforcing Kristina's allure.

Faff klaxon #1: Ascot hat, champers and binoculars-ography. 

Kirsty & Brendan's salsa: It doesn't matter whether it's ballroom or latin, Brendan favours shunting or chucking his partner over teaching them. And to think Anton used to get my grief...   

Jay & Aliona's waltz: Great mover. Rigor mortis face. Who'd have thought the new hair, a cropped bouffe, could be worse than the previous poodle frenzy? But it was. 

Georgia & Giovanni's waltz: The real question is this - who had the more truly competent but utterly yawnsome waltz, Helen/Aljaž last week or Georgia/Giovanni this week? Probably Helen, but there's no way I'm wasting life on re-watching them both to find out. 

Ainsley & Natalie's salsa: Yes, it was mainly rubber-legged randomness, but you've got to hand it to Harriot - he gave it some gooooood face and some not entirely ridiculous improv. Though Darcey Brussells recreating his shoulder wiggle with peace-sign fingers was the highlight. 

Lovely Carol & Lovely Pasha's waltz: I'm just glad we get most of the waltzes done in the early weeks, as I never have anything interesting or funny to say about this dance and have officially run out of synonyms for 'boring'. But it was a definite improvement for Lovely Carol - and look, she survived! 

Kelly & Kevin's cha cha: I bloody love cheese - nine months without brie was essentially hell - but Kevin's choreography is TOO MUCH. It's going to put me off my cheese platter, and that is unacceptable. 

Anthony & Oti's waltz: Only more interesting than the other waltzes as there was the sense of danger that Anthony's shoulder or Oti's cleavage might pop at any moment. 

Anita & Gleb's charleston: Everthingbutthekitchensinkography - my brain is still overstimulated from all that was going on. Interesting that Wardrobe dressed Anita-as-Bonnie-off-of-And-Clyde in the style of a sexy cowgirl though. For realz, where was the beret?

Jeremy & Karen's American smooth: Who cares if it was shoddy - Jeremy was my favourite!!!!! His joy is just infectious and the judges' poo-pooing hit the wrong note. I think he could knock a better dancer or two out yet...

Faff klaxon #2: university library-ography, including Karen's turn as Sexy Librarian.

Katie & Anton's tango: Who'd have thought it would come to this - a time when I look forward to seeing Anton's performance for reasons of dance. Or that I look forward to seeing Anton's performance, period. I'm even overlooking how Anton tangoed sporting a woollen turtle neck in a shade of fake tan not seen since Robin's giant pecs left the show. 

Peter & Janette's quickstep: I thought it looked a bit dodge - but that's in the context of him being really good I guess. My ¡Manrara! fangirling continues - she looked amazing in diamanté leotard and swishy skirt made of posh hotel curtains. 

Helen & Aljaž's cha cha: We can now all happily add 'mechanic' to the list of outfits in Aljaž's great big dressing box. I imagine Janette spends much of her time replenishing it. Can I put in a personal request for Scotsman, please?

Tessdressmess: Saturday brought jumpsuit horror with added bandage décollté = a return to la Daly's bad self. Sunday brought upholstery-based fashion for both Tess and Claude. Claudia is also really loading up the kohl, even by her standards. It's a wonder she has the strength to lift her eyelids.

Pro dance: Truly lovely partner-swapping ballroom/circus skills swishy dance goodness. Plus Aljaž and Tristan in tails. Hello. 

Special guest killing time between dramatic reveal bits: Are we surprised the Rod Stewart pro routine was all the pro laydeez grinding chairs in spray-on leopard skin then catwalking up the stairs? (I.e. Not dancing whilst an old grizzly did some old grizzling.)

Judge-watch: They've now named their dance entrance ('The Strictly' - oh the originality), so it's here to stay. Boom town! I bloody love that hot mess.

Next week: Lovely Carol surely can't have that many weeks in her - not if there's more latin in the offing. Jamelia and Kirsty could be vulnerable too. I'm not even entertaining the notion that Jeremy might leave before he gets to dad dance a paso doble. Until then, keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep...