Series 12 - Week 8

Ach Judy!  Somewhat incredibly, I'm not sure I was ready for that.  I really didn't think the Anton juggernaut had yet run out of gas, so was entirely prepped for Sunetra to leave us at this point.  But turns out when you pull out a 'dance' which vaguely channels the Viennese Waltz style it was supposed to (and even suggests *shock horror* improvement), well, the du Beke fanbase turns.  That or they didn't like Anton's peach boater and balloon work (impossible). Actually, I think the Anton Army bristled when they noticed how Judy danced considerably better during the two seconds she had with one of the backing dancers than she had in eight weeks with her actual partner.

Judy will nonetheless remain a legendary Strictly contestant, challenged by ballroom, sure, but who else has ever rehabilitated her public persona as well as her? She's aces, is Judy.  I suggest you wipe away your tears (especially you, Ben, another du Beke sweepstake pound down the drain) and go reread that Yoko Ono Twitter takedown.  This is not the last we've seen of Judy Moo.

Sunetra was luuuuucky - that hen weekend samba was a few too many tequilas into an evening running the gauntlet of Bristol Waterfront in a boa and L-plates.  It was pretty mean of Brendan to start with some eye-level pelvic thrusting too - that would put any discerning celeb off her game - AND he then shunted poor Sunetra to the end of a line of professional dancers and basically told her to keep up.  Still, she's made it through Blackpool and, with a good ballroom, could even knock out a contender on a dodgy latin...

For there are more contenders than any other year, I think, so it's hard to call the winner at this point. I think Steve is probably the least likely - he's charming, Ola's loved, but those bullying allegations linger. They may well be (indeed, are almost certainly) total guff, but that American Smooth was entirely seen-it-before/by-numbers on the choreography and I do get the feeling that it's not a total love-in between Ola and Steve. I suspect they don't have much common ground, even though Steve's into poisonous bugs and Ola's married to James Jordan. BOOM BOOM!

At the other end of the leader board, Pixie is technically amazing, but (stuck record time) the an all-singing stage school brat thing could still haunt her. I very much enjoyed her brilliantly weird Xanadu meets Troy paso doble though, even if I was disappointed that Trent hadn't read the memo on Strictly Centurions and was far too covered up. (Note for next time: must show more chest flesh than Ken Doll Gladiator plastic armour). 

Simon similarly risks not getting one love (for his mother's pride etc) - I'm not sure the public likes him. But he was great in Blackpool, in spite of the velvet domination, and I was totally sold on his Argentine Tango.  But that's no real surprise - it's an Argentine Tango.  I suspect Kristina's turbo boobs were doing much of the work, but that upside down thing at the end (technical terms ahoy).  Wowsers. 

I didn't really rate Frankie or Mark's performances this week. I got bored of seeing Kevin woosh his "FRANKENSTEIN!!" (*rolls eyes*) up and down then back again then repeat. I usually love a quickstep, but I was (entirely unfairly) a bit grumpy this time. 

I was even grumpier about Mark's charleston after the judges showered him with high scores - sure, he could do a basic swivel, but that's almost all there was. I found the choreography total meh; Mark swivelled and smiled like a village idiot (who's had his teeth done) whilst Karen momentarily clambered around him like a crab (which we all know is Scott's dance), before they did some head to bum work.  You know the charleston rule - no swimming, no good. 

Caroline's the one I can't get to grips with.  I couldn't really fault her jive (it wasn't her fault Wardrobe didn't give her matching Geri Halliwell red knickers, forcing an incongruous white gusset flash), but I couldn't even really get excited about it - even though it involved Pasha in a deerstalker... no hang on, those sentry hats have a different name... Something about bears?

Jake, however, now HELLO.  That American Smooth was really something to get excited about. Janette (free from the shackles of Julien "ooooh shiny" Macdonald's concentration span of minus several seconds) has been throwing out some excellent routines. Yes, they rely slightly more on her ab strength than anything else, and she does tend to have the star turn - but it's a million miles away from Aliona's method of plonking partner, tree-like, on the dance floor then writhing vertically and making sex eyes at the camera.  And you can forgive a star turn when it involves being chucked up to the ceiling from the splits and risking an amateur (hopefully) catching you.  I bloody loved this dance - scarlet dress, moody music, slightly obtuse possible pimp/prossie reference at the end (ok, not that bit so much) and it was my fav of the night.  Well, probably (that Argentine Tango though...).  He's slipped, but Jake's still hanging on for the top spot, I'd say. He's probably still using up some Week 2 Good Dance points, but - unlike Bextor and her incredible charleston - that salsa's not been his only quality dance. 

So we shall see. There's a good six horses who could absolutely get the Glitterball. Anyone want to call it?  (*whispers a Pixie-Caroline-Jake final* *reserves the right to change her mind every week until the final*)

In non-dance news, I can't remember much about the TessDress sitch, so let's just assume it was more or less fine.  I think Zoe's fabulous taste is having a very positive influence - Tess is matching Zoe's statuesque blonde-wears-glitzy black in the name of presenting symmetry and it's a good look. Darcey, however... Oh dear oh dear. Saturday's ice dance lycra/crystal boils outbreak bodice was awful. "Thermal diamanté" Mr Cad called it. 

And then there were the other performances. *deep breath*

I'm going to say something some might find controversial, but others will no doubt support.  And it is this: 

THERE IS NO PLACE FOR SMALL CHILDREN ADORABLE OR OTHERWISE ON THE STRICTLY DANCEFLOOR UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.  

They are entirely acceptable in training VTs, but that's about it.  It doesn't matter how cute the gap between your teeth might be, little blonde Ivetachild, I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR YOU SING. (I don't even watch Junior Eurovision FFS, why would I want to see this?!!)  Such saccharine cringe has no place on Strictly, even if it does culminate in Ivetadult being hoisted to the ceiling in a dress that make Diana's bridal train seem restrained. 

I'm not going to dwell on the Jackson 5 charleston either - as soon as they replaced the word 'Frisco' with 'Blackpool', I knew it wasn't for me.  Blackpool, you see, doesn't fucking rhyme with 'disco', or indeed 'dance floor', as they attempted.

At least there was some comedy in the form of McBusted's Village People tribute. We had Cartoon Geek McBusted, Still In Shorts Sheesh It's Not The Noughties Anymore Nu-Metal Is Over Dude McBusted, Sexy Mechanic McBusted, Leopard Print Hair Sheesh It's Not The Noughties Anymore Nu-Metal Is Over Dude McBusted, Mute David Lee Roth McBusted and, of course, at the back, Such A Nice Boy And He Won Strictly Why Is He With These Unhygienic Manchildren Making Intolerable Noise McBusted

Bassey meanwhile KILLED IT. What a pro. And the accompanying rumbas were all game-upped brilliant, not least Pasha and Janette's PHENOMENAL neck torso full body twist thing.  Go to about half an hour in, watch and MARVEL. (I'm such a ¡Manrara! groupie. It's a bit embarrassing really.)

And so we're back to the studio next week, where they hopefully won't constantly bang on about the amaaaaaazing atmosphere in the Tower Ballroom etc etc etc (though I'm sure it was rather special).  I'm not sure if Claude will be returning to hold the reigns, but we wish her and her family well either way - that's the main thing.  I predict a Steve or Sunetra exit, but anything could happen yadda yadda (well sort of), so let's just keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep um, I think I've run out of verbs... So let's go for a classic: 'dancing'.