Series 12 - Week 6 - Halloween

Well, there we go - drop it like it’s Scott.  I actually thought the UncleFesterography was really quite fun, but it just wasn’t to be, was it?  The British public, still wounded from TAM!gate, sat up and took action – it happens like this every year.  Someone quite good goes and then the someone quite bad who previously survived gets culled, a week too late for the audience to enjoy naked hunk pecs and vampire make-up, to pick a totally random contestant type and totally random costume theme...  Scott’s been such a lovely contestant though – his foxtrot was as wide-eyed and adorabad as all the other dances, but it didn't matter. I still chuckled away.  He’s even made Joanne seem quite bearable – I fear the infantilised Northern shrill would be a rather more piercing with a less engaging contestant.  Her heart’s in the right place though.  And she made an excellent Morticia.

Sorry Jules – another sweepstake pound bites the dust.

I was really surprised to see Alison in the bottom two, because I LOVED her flouncy, floaty, wafty American Smooth – so hilariously camp and excitable.  Not that I’m blaming her for over-enthusiasm  – how could any of us keep it cool when faced with Aljaž in guyliner, breeches and banker socks, holding you close, to the haunting sound of Wuthering Heights?  Exactly - we’d all be squealing, spinning and fanning white chiffon to the max whilst falsettoing "meeeeeee, it's meeeeeee, la la la Cathy, I've lalalala window whoa hoh hoh hoooooooh".

Steve was quite lucky to survive his charleston, after he forgot all his steps and made a slight hot mess of throwing Ola around – but it's not a real surprise that Ola can pull in the support dressed as a Sexy Skeleton (oddly, not a look that featured in her calendar, unlike Sexy Kitchen Klutz. I mean, what IS that – actually, don’t answer.) Steve’s one handed lift was still impressive, even if it was more caveman than skeleton.  Though I can see Steve rocking the enlighted caveman look...  It's probably Tam withdrawal symptoms, as I didn’t think I was one for themes, but I now think it would be a real shame if we didn’t get to see Steve in a Barney Rubble outfit before Christmas.  Maybe during ‘Sidekicks from TV Cartoons Of The Past’ Week.

Speaking of sidekicks, good for Zoe Ball, stepping in to cover for lovely Claude, (whose little one is very sadly in hospital - though expected to be ok, poor mite).  Back in the studio, Middle England were probably shocked to the core to see that the Good Ship Strictly could actually be steered by two women with blonde hair, but it LITERALLY could.

Of course, Pixie outblonded both Zoe and Tess with her gigantic crimped electrohair, which detracted from her zebra tango knickers.  Trent was buried in there somewhere too (the hair, not the knickers, sheesh). Pixie was excellent, but I agreed with the judges that Frankie was top dance dog this week.  Her and Kevin's Defying Gravity tango was awesome – totally ridiculous and overblown, and not really that tango-y, but who cares when you're gunning for musical theatre and the green make-up paint.  You could tell from the moment Bruno stood up to yell his feedback, that he would be reaching for the TEN! paddle.  “A real ten”, they all cheered, openly mocking Donny, as the producers seethed (and conceded).

I was half hoping Jake would score the first ten, but I fear his strongest dances might be behind him.  I don’t mean that he’s suddenly got rubbish – clearly he is outstanding – but he’s not had to get hippy in recent weeks, and it shows a bit. (Though ole snake hips is on slow dance duty this Saturday, so I have high hopes for the rare beast that is a non-embarrassing male rumba.  A himba if you will.)  Jake's paso was nearly moody and menacing, but it wasn't pelvic enough.  As Len would probably advise, it needed the bum cheek sixpence test; more clenching of buttocks and fronting of genitals.   I still enjoyed it – Janette's horse bunches and chiffon Appaloosa leggings were particularly good.  And it also lead me to Google Black Betty Ramalam and learn that “Historically the "Black Betty" of the title may refer to the nickname given to a number of objects: a musket, a bottle of whisky, a whip, or a penitentiary transfer wagon”.  They missed a trick not styling it around a penitentiary transfer wagon.

My favourite styling was actually Kristina Black Widow – the first of two massive fingers up at the ‘Kristina is a Harlot’ brigade. (The second being her fantastic performance as the evil queen poisoning Snow Janette and stealing sexy Prince Aljaž, in a dance which contained actual snogging - witt whoo!  Not since the days of Ali Bastian and Brian Fortuna has Strictly got so PDA.)  Ola was probably pissed off that Kristina got first dibs on the catsuit - this year, with added bum cleavage and bum train.  I didn’t really notice Simon, I’m afraid, what with all the Rihanoffarseography.  I think he was dressed as the Joker dressed as a matador.  It was a dubious outfit, either way.

Not as dubious as our Brendan though - flouncy blouse, neck broach and baggy slacks (Wardrobe have clearly learnt from their undersizing error) which had something of the shellsuit about them.  Sunetra on the other hand was buxomly enchanting as she jived – she always sells it.  

As does Caroline, and this was my favourite of hers.  I loved her manic isolation gyrations, her Studio 54 Barbie platforms and (especially) her cheap acrylic purple fro.  Pasha made quite the disco zombie, didn't he?  It takes a special kind of man to rock hair partway between Michael Hutchence and Leo Sayer.

Karen too displayed a fearless approach to make-up - sporting hairy warts and decaying teeth over a gorgeous green jive dress.  She was in a general state of zero inhibition, really, when Mark's scores came out she was so hysterical she nearly brought down the Clauditorium Ball-cony.  Maybe she was having a hallucination brought on by Mark's horrible psychedelic shirt.  That was enough to warp anyone's brain. 

Showing less enthusiastic, or the impact of a very different kind of drug, were Anton's dalmatians, who decided very early on that they didn't want to be associated with Judy's Cruella de Vil American Smooth.  Oh Judy.  What to say that hasn't already been said - in a really mean, harsh and bitchy way - by the judges?  Well, nothing really.  But so what - I still think Judy's a delight and there's no question that "BRING ME MORE PUPPIES" is a great way of opening any number.  Especially if it then involves Anton dragging two full size dogs determined not to lift their assholes from the ground. 

It seems mean to move from dogs' arses to Tess' fashion choices, so I'll comment first on Zoe's Saturday number.  WOW-WIE.  Head to toe sparkle on a tall, tall lady is a Good Look.  As for la Daly, I did not care for the mesh cut outs and edgy ear armour, but Tess certainly didn't look terrible.  Sunday's another matter, but I'm just going to pretend she was wearing an excellent slinkly black dress, rather than my mortal enemy, the jumpsuit.

I've already blahhed on about the brilliant bitch queen versus innocent princess Sunday pro-dance, so I don't propose to go on about how I now think that ¡Manrara! Kristina and Aljaž should now do all the dances, ALL OF THEM.  Not that the Saturday pro dance was awful - I very much enjoyed Hammond acting scared, in a tabard to hide her costume, and I was on board with the notion that they might have let Anton dangle, vampire style, above the dance floor for much of the show.  It was certainly better than Annie Lennox faffing about in red pyjamas, waistcoat and polka dot Thatcher blouse, whilst an entirely unfamous mulleted session musician man did a boring guitar solo to ABSOLUTELY NO PRO-DANCER ACCOMPANIMENT.  Honestly, I thought we were past such ego.  If Gaga can have Natbot sweep around whilst she wigs it up with Tony Bennett, so can Lennox.  Let this be a lesson for next week - when the vote counting filler entertainment is on, I just want the pros to keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep dancing.