2012 Christmas Special

Well, perhaps it was the effects of being well fed and watered (i.e.; nicely sozzled), but I bloody loved the Strictly Christmas special, which I probably found more joyful than the whole series past.  There seemed to be a real energy to proceedings, with all the celebs really making an effort, but without the secretly competitive edge that seemed to seep into this year's proceedings.   I was also watching it with Mr Cad's Aberdonian 89 year old Granma, who found it equally delightful – even if we have slightly opposing views of Bruce (sample quote: “He's mad, him!”, whilst chuckling) and Anton (“I really wish he would win, I really do. He's been on forever”).  On the other hand, she nailed Bruno in one perfect sentence: “Here he goes again with his arms.”

Actually, I really must have been drunk, as I found the judges' opening am dram skit lol-ing hil-a-rious – there was nothing original or clever about setting the scene at Len's turkey dinner, with all the judges in their Sarah Lund Christmas jumpers, but it still made me chuckle, particularly Darcey taking the piss out of her bea-YEW-tiful necklace, YAH.  

Bruce was also perfectly cast as the uninvited guest (in a random Dickensian cape) showing off his trademark lady-letching and mild homophobia, denied by Tess and Darcey under the mistletoe, but looking disgusted by the Bruno cheek-peck he got, dramatically wiping at his cheek and shouting "get me bleach and savlon" (I may exaggerate), while Bruno celebrated by doing an I'm Still Standing spin (only not in body paint and pants this time).  

And even lovely Claudia had a cameo, briefly waking up from a booze-fueled nap, only to decide to return to sleep again – which I imagine to be a highly accurate representation of her actual Christmas Day.

TipsyCad wasn't alone in having had a few glasses though, as I'll tell you who else was considerably merrier than usual – Mr Artem Chigvintsev, who was uncharacteristically BEAMING throughout the first group dance, although was no change to the glazed look in his eyes.  AND he and Aliona didn't look like they wanted to kill each other as they danced – so Merry Christmas one and all!  Mind you, I might have missed the daggers, as my eye was mainly drawn to another couple in the opening pro-dance.  Oh yes.  All hail the return of KATYA!  DANCING WITH IAN WAITE!  Truly a special Christmas gift for all.  So much so that I was warmly tolerant of Anton (I blame the Jerry Hall effect), who was also particularly feeling the festive joy by getting to dance with Ola Jordan, dressed as Sexy Father Christmas.  Ho ho ho.

Then they let the celebs out, and SHOCK HORROR, their brief appearance in the opening dance was full of timing, grace and smiley dance faces – and it has to be said that the standard was well maintained throughout the evening (whoever casts the Christmas show should be sought out for full-time duties).  Even Tess looked uncriticiseably nice (clearly I was smashed) in a white angelic dress with a glittery snowflake for a neck design, although I suppose it did have something of the drawbridge about it.  Meanwhile, Bruce had apparently refused to take off his Christmas cape, but – to be fair – capes are pretty cool, whatever Edna Mode might think of the practicalities.

JB from JLS was first up, getting to jive with Ola. “Oooh, he has lovely teeth” decided Mr Cad's Granma. I agreed, and also found him a lovely jiver, albeit with added boyband swagger. He looked like he was having a whale of a time, probably because he was getting to wear a toy soldier outfit - surely every urban pop-boy's dream.  The judges loved it and I did too - I think I actually clapped at the TV when he was done (again I blame the drinkies).

And then KATYA!  WHOOP!!!  Honestly, I got more from her VT with Bobby Ball than I did from a whole series of Karen Hauer and Nicky Westlife.  She was in a great old mood – smiling and giggling away, attempting Northern accents and calling Bobby “honey”.  Her scariness only seemed to extend to calling him “Robert” when he got something wrong. In short, BRING KATYA BACK.

Their American Smooth opened with some more 'comedy' gems – Bobby packing up the following gifts for each judge: pickled walnuts, nutty cake, The Big Book of Yahs and a one way ticket to Australia – SURE, nothing sophisticated about that attempt at the funnies, but I totally enjoyed it. I also enjoyed the dancing, which was surprisingly delightful and really made me smile, especially as Katya is a good half head taller than Bobby.

(I was a little confused by Bobby's tash though – it was like 'the Anti-Hitler', with the bit under the septum shaved away, and the hairy parts extending past the nose. I didn't see anyone attempt The Ball for Movember. Maybe next year...)

After Katya, more Christmas pressies - IAN WAITE ON THE DANCEFLOOR!  Oh ambassador, you are spoiling us.  And Ian got to dance with The Glammother: Sheila Hancock, who is SO not a lady to be messed with - I think she would out-terrify even Katya, though I'm not calling it on terror wars between her and Erin.  She was also Jerry Hall levels of funny – airily describing her acting career as “playing titty blondes”, when clearly she's anything but.  

On the downside, she had been dressed in fluffy white feather ruffs and glittery flesh paneling around the crotch and titty blonde areas, which was... odd.  But her performance was highly elegant, and when you think she's going to be 80 soon - WOWSERS.  A sobering thought – though obviously not enough to harsh my buzz.

Talking of Christmas tipples, I notice another change since the main series – Aliona clearly used her time off in the operating room to get hold of a new push-up bra...  Her partner Fabrice Muamba was equally perky (amazing given what he's been through) and it turns out that he bucks the typical footballer trend and is just the loveliest.  Example: insisting on a bum shaking move making the final cut of his salsa, cutting down Aliona's insistence that they should spend 80% of the dance having him stand still and her jiggle around him (I mean, they didn't actually show footage of that, but clearly it must have happened...) 

It was an absolute cracker of a performance too - hips ahoy!  Only a week's rehearsal, but probably one of the best male salsas I've seen – mainly as I didn't cringe ONCE (and we're talking about a man wearing a puff pink dress shirt).  Conclusion: BOOK HIM FOR THE MAIN SHOW IMMEDIATELY!

The good casting continued - though I already had quite high hopes for Katy Brand, as her Sports Relief Beyoncé was thigh-crushingly impressive.  An Anton Christmas latin might have been worrying, but their Viennese waltz was rather sweet, even if the theme was the slightly bizarre 'a fairy cooks Anton's turkey dinner'. I bet Katy'd do the main show in a heartbeat, but surely her wish would be that, unlike a puppy, Anton wasn't for life – Christmas is plenty.

Last up, Blue Peter presenter Helen Skelton, who had all the exhausting energy you'd expect of a children's TV presenter – Artem got through it fine, though, even suggesting that Helen's bubbliness was the reason for his forced smile. There was nothing she could do about the stoned eyes though.  I wasn't that blown away by their jive, to be honest, but possibly the effects of the champers were wearing off by this point.  Mr Cad's Granma enjoyed it, though I didn't get to hear her thoughts on the pec Artem flashed in rehearsal, which was disappointing.

Time for the studio audience to gather their thoughts on who should win, whilst the Strictly die-hards started to salivate at the forthcoming REAL excitement - the Strictly All-Stars rehearsal and the hope we'd see backstage footage of Kerplunkski and Brendan throwing bitch looks at each other across the floor and maybe a dramatic soap opera slapping incident.  (Sadly denied.)   However, my excitement was immediately dampened when Tom bloody Chambers was first to appear and gurn/greet Father Russell Grant Christmas at the door, although I did take some bitchy joy from his appearance - he was looking WAY hungover, like Gollum with the norovirus. 

And cue all the other slebs arriving and air kissing each other (the louder the MMMMWAH the more they hate each other).  They looked a right motley crew, in spite of their attempts to cover the cracks with elf hats and tinsel.  I tell a lie - Colin Jackson was looking limber, though he and Erin had clearly forgotten who the other was (the invitation to the Olympics/Gin Bar must have been lost in the post). 

Chelsehh was actually looking fine too (fresh from learning what a turnip was on Come Dine With Me) and was happily reunited with Me Pash (ever lovely, hair aside).  And there was no way of missing glossy Kelly Brook and Brendan - oh so adept at hogging the camera, giggle, giggle, “we're the naughty ones of the class!” (Translation: “LOOK AT US LOOK AT US LOOK AT US ARE WE ANNOYING YOU YET? Errr, that would be a yes.)  Class swots Kerplunksi and Ian Waite were noticeably unimpressed: eye roll, "typical Brendan." (Translation: "Yep, ten years on and he's still a total wanker.")   

Finally Beige Stevens beiged into the background, taking Vinthent with her, and Ola and Chris Hollins reminded us of the lovely friendship which won them the trophy. (Dancing?! HA! Take that Ricky Nipple!)  Sample chat: Chris: "Am I fatter?"  Ola: "You're not fatter, Chris, you're just a bit more round".  Love them.

Oh and Widdecombe was knocking around too – looking ever more unhinged with no Anton to wrangle her.  It was chaos, really. Show-off, showbiz chaos.

But before we got to see their performance, Rod Stewart dropped by to croak out Let It Snow, channeling the Christmas spirit by donning trews and being hammered on eggnog.  His standard dance moves seemed to be turning his back on the audience and crouching down like he needed a poo, so I guess it's no surprise none of the pros wanted this as a showcase.

And then, onto the announcement of the winner.  Huh?!  Before the Champs' Dance?  Random, but there you go.   And (drum roll)... bravo to JB and Ola, who were probably my favourites too (along with Fabrice).  It's all the more hilarious to think that Ola now has another glitterball to brandish in James' desperately competitive face. Mwahahahahaha.

Finally, finally, time for the last Strictly blast of 2012 – the All Stars Performance itself and the Tom Chambers tapdancegurnathon!  It was a bit shambolic, but enjoyable nonetheless.  Kelly and Brendan opened events, recreating their illegal multi-lift American Smooth (in the distance you could hear Craig crossing off points); then Erin and Colin quickstepped in, fortunately no puppets in sight, before Chelsehhh did a bit of flauting at the judges' desk and Pasha threw her around a bit, which wasn't quite the Strictly legacy I remembered for her, but hey ho. Chris and Ola did nail their legacy - that classic charleston (YAY SWIMMING), even if Chris was a bit more Haka tongues than I remembered.   I'll skip over Tom's sickly tap dance, and should probably skip over Kerplunkski's... well, I'm not sure what that was – let's just say standards have come on some way since Series 1.  Rachel Stevens was looking a little bit rusty too, but Kool and The Gang isn't necessarily the best soundtrack to a moody Argentine Tango, so I'll go easy on her and just go back and watch her When Doves Cry original. 

The whole thing ended with a selection of the class of 2012 coming out on stage for a clap and a Mexican wave, and Widdecombe and Grant cast as, well, old people locked out at Christmas – not really allowed to dance, but just about acceptable in the final tableau.  It wasn't amazeballs, but it was fun - and what else should we expect from an under-rehearsed group dance performed by people who'd gone back to their day jobs?

So enough bah humbug, as, overall, I really enjoyed the Christmas special – which gave me hope that maybe some footballers can be lovely (hmmmm) and that Strictly 2013 might be beautifully cast and full of dancing joy! 

Happy New Year, Strictly people. Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep etc.