Week 9

First things first, the more eagled-eyed of you will note that the couples didn’t do two dances, as last week’s blog promised, they just did one, or in the case of Ann, none. (Boom boom.) (Literally.)

But, sadly one (good) dance wasn’t enough to save Patsy - and it was good bye to her, Robin and sweepstaker Beth (I only got Beth’s pound on Monday – timing!) Poor Patsy - her Blackpool samba was a bit dodgy, but she did a more than passable Argentine tango this week (seriously fabulous dress) and it was considerably better than Gavin’s jive (I didn’t know that squatting was a jive move) and Ann’s rumba, and – at times – Scott’s American Smooth (i.e., the bits where he forgot the dance and headbutted Natalie – not that I’m complaining about that). I totally warmed to Patsy in the end – she was gracious, warm, kooky and seemed rather genuine. I particularly loved her adorable fag/hag partnership with Robin and I will miss Robin’s potato-esque head and his display of Soho’s finest streetwear a lot. He can come back next year. As can Artem, who, after ow-ow-ow-shouldergate, showed even more bravery this week by unironically performing the horizontal-v-sign-across-the-eyes move while jiving in a purple chiffon puff-sleeved shirt, AND STILL LOOKED MANLY. (Well, maybe 85% manly.)

Jared for next year? Well, he’s very sweet, but, ultimately, for me, no thanks - children doing ballroom dancing freaks me out. (Other things on the ‘makes Catherine shit-scared’ list include: rats the size of dogs, the thought of being buried alive and large coloured decorative wooden or plastic buttons. *shudders*) Next year, pleeeeeease let’s see the return of the majestic Ian Waite, preferably dancing with Strictly superfan and fucking hilarious star of Miranda, Miranda ‘Miranda’ Hart - they are both hugely tall, which will give Len something to mention every week. I’m not saying Miranda would necessarily be that good at the dancing, but who knows? All I do know is that I would pay my licence fee twice over to see some backstage/VT footage of Vinthent and Miranda standing next to each other, face to boobs, having a chat. Visual hilarity nothwithstanding, let’s just imagine the awesomeness of that conversation for a second – OMG x a gazillion.

(For those of you who don't watch Miranda, this post will make little sense. Apols - watch the show and you'll see. For those of you who do know and who inexplicably hate Miranda - and you know who you are - well, you are just wrong. That show makes me constantly 'lol'.)

As for the rest, well, it wasn’t a week of glittering dance awesomeness and tens all round – it was more of a Blackpool hangover, with some fairly botchy performances and more ridiculous grumpy scoring. The Four Tops, as I now propose to refer to mooted finalists Scott, Kara, Matt and Pamelar, were a mixed bag this week. Portmanteausville ahoy, I thought PamJam and Mattiona were fantastic and Scottalie and Kartem were fantastic apart from when they went wrong which was a fair chunk of the routine and therefore made them less than fantastic. The judges, however, mostly disagreed with me – underscoring Matt for being too pouty and modern (or something) and overscoring Scott and Kara on the basis that they have been good in the past - you can’t get nines when you go that blatantly wrong, surely? However, we all agreed that Pamela was good. She’ll be 62 soon! I know that’s the new Pamela mantra (now that we’ve established that she’s married to Billy Connolly), but it’s still fairly impressive.

Now then. On another note. Hmm. Um. Not quite sure how to say this really. Are you all sitting down? OK, good. So… so… so… *deep breath*

IactuallyfoundAnnquitefunnythisweekohmyGodI’mtrulysorryIknowIshouldknowbetterbutshedidactuallymakemelaughoutloudonseveraloccasionsIthinkit’sbecauserumbasareusuallysomindlesslyboringsoitwasreallyrefreshingtoseeacomedyrumbawhichwasdifferentandniceandunusualbutdon’tworryIstillwantAnnandAntontoleaveAnnAnnAnnoutoutthiswasjustaoneoffonetimeonlythingIpromiseitwillneverhappenagainandIwasthinkingofyouguysthewholetime.

Ok, enough. How about we pretend I never said it? Ok. Next!

Oh yes, costumes – no gold sequin trews, sure, but HELLO KARA’S JIVE DRESS. Mmmmmm-hmmmm. Gorge. Katya’s dress was, er, of note. For those that missed it, it was half dress/half leotard, made of yellow/green/turquoise tie-dyed streamers. Am not quite sure what it reminded me of, but it might have been glittering cat sick? But not in a bad way. Ahem. Perhaps it was Fraggle Rock again. Anyway, it was appropriately fugly – hopefully Robin will find a version in shirt-form for his next pro dance.

They seem to have abandoned the poo suit (I guess after Vinthent had worn it, no-one else felt up to it). Instead, puffy-sleeved chiffon shirts à la Riverdance seemed to be in vogue this week: the jive pro-dancers had them in purple, Matt in red and Claudia in navy blue.

Now I rarely mention Claudia, but let it be recorded here for posterity: Claudia Winkleman is the best thing about Strictly Come Dancing. I just heart you Claudia, may you never never never leave Strictly. For me, she is the glue that holds it all together – the bridge between serious Strictly and hilarious Strictly, and if that bridge were to fall... No, I am not going to torture that atrocious metaphor any longer, but suffice to say that it would be far worse if Claudia left, than Arlene, Brian, Ian and Lilia leaving combined. She is irreplaceable. (It would be tragic - even worse than when Dermot left BBLB and George Lamb came on and shouted a lot and the eight viewers Big Brother still had left all gagged a bit and switched off.)

Dancing and costumes aside, Gavin Henson continues to display his (accidental?) mastery of deadpan brilliance. How I laughed when he openly said he hated dressing up like a cowboy, but then did it anyway – what do the BBC have on him to be able to get him to do these things? Also, I’m not sure I heard right, but I *think* Gavin said that Katya had been ill in the week, so he’d had to practice with Klaus (yes, that’s Klaus), Katya’s partner. If so – WHERE IS THAT FOOTAGE? I DEMAND TO SEE THAT FOOTAGE!

As for Sunday, well, Tess Dress Mess turned to Tess Dress Yes (see what I did there)! I thought she looked pretty good in a (maybe slightly too) skin-tight, dove-grey bandage dress. In fact, her Saturday dress (a skirted version of the hideous j**psuit) was ok too.

And we can tick Ola Jordan Catsuit off our Strictly bingo cards (again). Yay! It was possibly her finest catsuit to date; glittering spiderweb black lace, backless, obviously. She and James did a rumba, which we’ve established is generally dull, but the bit where James balanced her on his neck – hands free – and span her around was fairly impressive.

However, I’m starting to get really really annoyed with the Sunday night popstar performances - AGAIN no pro-dancers and instead the Strictly producers seemed happy to fob us off with James 'rhymes with' Blunt, his anonymous band and no dancing – just some bare light bulbs. WHY? WHY? WHY? I mean I know the dance troop has been an unbridled catastrophe, but come on! Replaced by light bulbs?!?

My God, I’m still talking. Has anyone actually read this far? Let’s leave it there, shall we? Am hoping that next week will be two dance week, but as you can tell, I know nothing. As for who’ll stay, well, anything could happen from now and I wouldn’t bet against Ann yet. But there is a beacon of hope from the other side - Wagner’s finally out of X-Factor, so maybe the underdog’s time is up and we’ll be riddy of Widdy! Oooh rhyming. OK seriously, ENOUGH. Thankyoubye.