2015 - Week 1 - Saturday

Before Strictly started, Pointless Celebrities was on - and the first category was TV judges. Ben Cohen, whom I'm sure I don't need to remind you was on Strictly for a good couple of months, went for "Darcey Brussells". 

DARCEY BRUSSELLS. 

PMSL doesn't even begin to cover it. Xander and Richard were openly laughing. It was amazing. In his defence, perhaps Ben was slightly distracted during his time on the show and didn't quite manage to pick up everyone's names. 

But on with the show...

Pro opener: Ola in Sandy Grease's leggings. Aliona in Cabaret hot pants. Kristina doing her best Marilyn. And Joanne Clifton in surgical stocking leg warmers... All the main fetishes covered then. 

Dressmess: Claude and Tess both donned standard boob tube gowns in black/short and white/slitty. So nothing to really slate here. Let's all move along until next week, shall we? And, for the record, this feature is not intended to focus on #everydaysexism. I fully intend to slag any terrible male dressing I note. 

Speaking of which...

Jay & Aliona's cha cha: Yes, he's going to be an excellent dancer, but I'm not sure I can get past the small potato face and top knot perm. Or the smugness of Aliona, given her chances of being the first double winner. 

Brendan & Kirsty's waltz: Kirsty was rabbit in headlights, but that's quite apt, seeing as her face is made entirely of eyelash and cheekbone, much like a Disney baby animal. Of course Brendan has been on this show a billion years, so went straight to shunt and drag autopilot.

Jeremy & Karen's cha cha: On one hand, it was awful and he didn't have a clue, but, on the other, when you still style it out with gusto, pelvic thrusts and disco gurns, you're on to a winner in my eyes. The comedy place is up for grabs and no bad place to last a few weeks from...

Georgia and Giovanni's jive: And I thought Pandre would be the irritating one. If my baby opts to have a mega-scream during one of Georgia's VTs, well, frankly, that will not be a problem. As for the comedy Italian casting, it's too soon. Or too thoon, as Vinthent would have said. 

Ainsley & Natalie's tango: Oh Natbot - I'm totes on board with her these days. So much to lurve here: Choon! Ainsley's tango face! Scarlet dress amazingness! Now let me hand over to my five year old Godson: "And the coolest bit was when she did woooosh like bat wings with her dress." 100% agree.

Katie & Anton's jive: Hashtag dress envy. My God, she looked cracking. Clearly the poshest jive Strictly's ever seen - all charming nose-crinkles and limp wrists, as well as actual harp-ography. (HARPOGRAPHY!!!!) All verrr verrr jolly good, ya. Suddenly Anton's a contender... (Just don't tell my friend Ben, who has previously had Anton three times in the sweepstake.) 

Iwan & Ola's tango: Somehow this ended up being all about Iwan's bum, which can't have pleased Ola too much. Cue a Week 2 catsuit to restore the proper order of things. 

Jamelia & Tristan's waltz: Although it had its moments, an angelic and demure waltz was never really going to be Jamelia's forte, was it? She did well not to collapse in a heap of wee-inducing giggles though. In other news, Tristan wore some rather snug white trousers. (Oh did he, I barely noticed etc etc.)

Peter & Janette's cha cha: And the best ography of the night goes to ¡Janette! ¡Manrara! for her using-your-vertically-extended-leg-as-a-hat-stand-ography. As for Pandre, well he's clearly a ridiculous specimen, but I can't help liking him somehow. Maybe I should dabble in some ITV2 viewing after all. (I jest, of course! I'm no TV snob - au contraire, mes amis - but there are limits.)

And we're done for the first week! And yes, it's still 2015! No one gets the boot this week, so Lovely Carol and Lovely Pasha will have to wait another seven days before they lose to, ummmm, let's guess, Jeremy Vine and Karen in the dance off (I think Ola's popularity will save Iwan this time). Until then, keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep...

2015 - Week 1 - Friday

Strictly on from 9-10pm?!! Did they not read the memo about me having a new baby? That's well past my bedtime. But I made it to the end and here's a paired-down (yes really) blog to prove it...

Tessdressmess: Cut-out neckline inspired by Santa's elves, apparently. Not good. Hair still on point though. As for Claudiadressmess... 

Oh Claude: Look, she may not have quite finished getting dressed into that fairly (very) horrid eighties power suit-style monochrome number (we're not doing the bow up then, Claude?) and she may have upped the orange saturation on her fake tan another grade (it will soon be so orange only doggies can see it), but she's still that face emoji with the hearts for eyes. I LOVE HER.

Judge entrance dance-watch: Bar la Darce, they still can't really dance any more, can they? But I love that Bruno still went full Elton John video. I for one am delighted they kept this feature. Mainly to see how close to Darcey Len dares place his walnuts each week.

"Let's meet the stars of our show": Errrr, why has this has been changed to "our Strictly stars"?! I did not sign off on this. Unacceptable!

Kellie & Kevin's tango: I fear these two are going to be cheesier than the previously cheesiest thing ever, namely Alexander Rybak's Eurovision winner for Norway ("I'm in luuuuuurve with a fairytaaaaaale"/fiddle solo/etc). A Gorgonzola Austin Powers theme does not a passionate tango make, but mainly I was still reeling from the truly bonkers VT they made about Kellie's alter ego 'Mimi'. I can't even...

Anthony & Oti's jive: Sure, it was obvious that Oti had to choreograph around his injured shoulder and sure, it was unfortunate that that led to a somewhat wanky arm motion (that's wanky in the sense that... ok I'll stop it there), but he really tried, which was pleasing - no boxer 'tude at all. Other things of note: Oti is just too beautiful. No wonder Anthony's trousers split. 

Aljaž & Helen's waltz: Yes, it was a great waltzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Lovely Carol & Lovely Pasha's cha cha: Positives: 1. Carol looked amazing. 2. PASHA CAME DOWN FROM THE CEILING THRUSTING ON A CARDBOARD THUNDERCLAP. 3. There is no 3.

Daniel & Kristina's waltz: Is Daniel O'Donnell really an actual robot? I mean, we thought Tess was dead behind the eyes... Also Kristina's attempt to do demure for the tabloids has had an interesting start: nothing says sedate innocent waltz like Kristina in a sprayed on, glitter-encrusted, white, wet look PVC vest.

Anita & Gleb's cha cha: Just really good, so no comedy jibes I'm afraid. They could have made more of Gleb's waders in the VT though. Had that been Artem, he'd have instantly gone topless, AND worn them for the performance, so Gleb needs to work a little harder before he gets that particular mantle. 

Next time: the rest of them dance tonight - there are ten more couples, NINE MORE, DEAR GOD - so this will take decades. Anton's doing a jive by the way. I'll let you decide whether that's Must See or Perfect Wee Break. Til next time, keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep...

The Launch Show - 2015

So what awaits us this year? Well, we start in Pleasantville, all fifties pastels and a level of prudishness which does not allow newly married couple Karen and Kevin to live together, because Kevin apparently lives with Aljaž, Pasha and an ever-polished Glitterball. (I don't want to think about that fifty shades of fanfic.) Natbot is in charge of breakfast in the girls' house and takes the opportunity to throw a slice of toast into Joanne's mouth. Surely she can't be fed up of Jo's cartoon Northern ee-by-gumming. In this fictional Strictlysphere, Anton and Brendan also live together, Bert and Ernie-style - the grandes dames of the pro-dancers. It could be worse, James Jordan could also inhabit that house.

Then after some dancing in the street, to erm Dancing In The Street, it's all aboard the Hogwarts Express because nothing says glamour and sparkles like trainspotting. But it does throw up elements of hilarity when Darcey cameos as a Carry On trolley dolly and Anton wears what can only described as 'quite a shirt'. (By the way, I officially don't hate Anton anymore. It's now Brendan who is the object of my derision now. Got that? Ok? Great.) 

Eventually we're back on familiar red carpet territory, with the usual blend of grunting, over-excitement, waving and screaming from all involved - bar Daniel O'Donnell whose only setting seems to be calmly chatting and nodding his head like a thunderbird puppet. He is such a charisma vacuum that he's utterly compelling. Am looking forward to how that pans out on the dancefloor. 

Therein follows an hour of drawn out pairing that many of us looked up on the internet several days ago, which is only really saved by Jamelia openly proclaiming to Claude there were dancers she DEFINITELY didn't want (to hell with hypocritical politeness) and everyone going "ooooooh" in shocked voices - even Daniel, though about five seconds after everyone else, almost like he wasn't paying attention. 

Anyway, let's skirt over the depressing lack of Ivetamazing and take a look at our pairings. 

Chef Ainsley Harriott and Natalie Lowe:

Well good on her, for she beamed and squealed at yet another older gent partner: clearly Natbot has been entirely deprogrammed and has metamorphosed into human form - or the prod team know her competitiveness chip is too dangerous to be unleashed again, so will forever give her the non-ringah candidate.

Presenter Anita Rani and Gleb Savchenko:

Gleb, the Russian newbie, is so attractive he makes Aljaž look like... Oh don't be ridiculous, no-one is more attractive than Aljaž.  Anita has hardly been hit with the ugly stick, but I also sense an underlying competitive streak in her which the Great British public may not take to.

Boxer Anthony Ogogo and Otile Mabuse:

Oti, the South African newbie, is so attractive she makes Aljaž look like... (Oh don't be ridiculous, no-one is more attractive than etc etc...).  Anthony has bust his shoulder and is doing Strictly to pass the time whilst healing. Oti lurves being lifted. Erm. Does anyone else sense a dilemma?

Weather reporter Carol Kirkwood and Pasha Kovalev:

Lovely Carol and Lovely Pasha.  So lovely.  I want their VTs to be them doing lovely lovely things like petting kittens, knitting scarfs and eating high tea.  That or goth night/Horsemeat Disco. 

Singer Daniel O'Donnell and Kristina Rihanoff:

DoD's pairing with tabloid-designated MARRIAGE DESTROYER Kristina has the potential to be excellent.  People may scoff and interpret it as Kristina's 'punishment', and Mrs O'Donnell may be hurriedly checking her pre-nup, but let's not forget that Kristina made her mark on the show with one Mr John Sergeant and some incredible paso dragging.  If DoD's fans aren't too arthritic to use a telephone, these two could be with us for a few weeks.

Soap actress Georgia May Foote and Giovanni Pernice:

So far I have extremely limited interest in Georgia May and only mild interest in Giovanni (save his dramatic timing: "My weakness... The laydeez").  My main fear is a fauxmance - which I could not BEAR.  But if they crank up the comedy Italian angle to Vinthent-esque ham levels, and she obliviously ignores his advances à la Beige Rachel Stevens then I might get on board. 

Actress Helen George and Aljaž Skorjanec:

I somehow doubt Helen will provide Aljaž/Hammond levels of bantz, which is a loss to us all. She practiced midwifery acting with her small yappy dog and a sheet, which I can categorically tell you is not going to recreate how labour works. 

Athlete turned presenter Iwan Thomas and Ola Jordan:

Iwan is already trying to position himself as the resident pecs the ladies want to slowly undress - he seems to have forgotten Peter Andre has also been hired. I quite like Ola, but I still can't believe they wanted her back after the debacles known as 'The Jump' and 'Her Husband'.  Those calendar sales must be extraordinary.

Singer turned panelist Jamelia and Tristan MacManus:

Loose Woman may be an abomination of a TV show but Jamelia is already my favourite from the time she eschewed the polite little pop princess mould on Never Mind The Buzzcocks and went all out slagging on national TV.  Tristan looks yet to be convinced of her charms.

Popstar Jay McGuiness and Aliona Vilani:

Such awful hair - I speak of Jay, of course - though I'm not convinced by the shade of yolk Aliona is sporting.  It's an odd day when a guy looks better with a mun, but if the alternative is a poodle perm, I mean a moodle perm, then just no. 

Broadcaster Jeremy Vine and Karen Clifton:

Karen was clearly thinking: I did my time with Dave Myers and yet I've got another old one? Though her not-entirely-veiled disappointment has some way to go before it reaches full Aliona.

Presenter Katie Durham and Anton du Beke:

Anton looked astonished and genuinely over the moon with this, the poshest of totty.  Dear God, may wardrobe not give him too tight a pair of trousers. 

Actress Kellie Bright and Kevin Clifton:

A boring but solid pairing which I fear will provide little meat for the blogging community. (Which is the most important thing, right?)

Presenter Kirsty Gallagher and Brendan Cole:

Another beautiful sporty woman for Brendan to terrorise. 

Professional celebrity Peter Andre and Janette Manrara:

Yes, Peter and Ola would have been the tacky tabloid dream, but if there's one woman who will happily choreograph a truly insane salsa/samba/rumba/whateva to woah oh oh oh oh ohhhhh Mysterious Girl, it's our ¡Manrara!  So, on balance, hooray!

The fun starts up For Realz in a few weeks. Until then, keeeeeeeeeeeeeeep waiting. 

5 Thoughts - the Launch Show

Twitter I like - it has the right mix of love for/mocking of Strictly. With the SCD Digital Spy forums, however, I've a more nuanced relationship - I tend to keep them at a suspicious arm's length (essentially due to some posters' inability to detect irony/use any punctuation/hold back from spouting extreme sexism on the subject of extra-marital affairs. Yes, they exist on Twitter, but don't need to be followed. Twitter is a Strictly Ivory Tower, if you will...). 

But, come the Autumn, I nose around the forums nonetheless, like a judgemental bad smell, and there is currently a thread on there called '5 Thoughts - the Launch Show'. Now it might seem a stretch, but the thread involves posting your first five thoughts ("5 Thoughts") about the launch show ("the Launch Show"). 

Anyway, for reasons I've yet to establish, I can't post on the forum just now (probably banned due to extreme snobbery), so here are the five thoughts I lovingly wrote down but couldn't force on to the requisite part of the internet.

1. Jamelia and Claudia's interviews will be the stuff of legends. J bluntly telling Claude there were pros she didn't want (*cough*Anton*cough*) was my absolute highlight. 

2. That blue looked so good on La Daly that I couldn't actually Process/AssessTessDressMess.

3. In many ways, I'm not sure I see the point of the launch show if it doesn't provide us with Aliona's reaction of sulky fury when she gets the duffer. (Jay's hair tho...)

4. Daniel O'Donnell is even more like the Father Ted pastiche of him than the Father Ted pastiche of him is. Meta. I look forward to seeing whether this goes Sargeant or Calzaghe. Or Cohen!

5. I really really should know better, especially given the number of retweets that involve the incorrect spelling of 'you're', but am glued to James Jordan's Twitter like a motorway car crash.