Series 12 - Week 1

Here we go!  Proper show time with real dances and everything; although it’s not quite full business as usual, as there’s no phone voting and no-one is getting kicked out this week.  Basically, the judges are gonna judge, judge, judge, but we don’t get get to cull, cull, cull, until next weekend.  

For the celebs, this week is all about getting the first TV-broadcast steps under their sequinned belts and practising their ‘when receiving criticism remain eager, modest and relaxed even if you are indifferent, seething or crying inside’ faces.  For us, a non-vote show means sussing out partnership chemistry and the 'likeability-to-performance-ability' ratio; a rubbish dancer can go a looooong way if the audience is with them (Myers/Widdecombe), but early skill means nothing round these parts if it’s too polished (Gabby Logan).

We’ve got a whole weekend of it - a quick snippet on Friday (a mere hour), then masses more on Saturday - so let’s launch right in, shall we?

Friday’s proceedings

Off go the whirly orchestral strings and let’s all take a moment to rejoice that we have no Bruce!!!  Hooray!  No doddery, shoddery, crappy old tap-dancing to see here - instead, Tess and Claude are led down the stairs by two of our male pros.  Claudia has entirely wisely plumped for Aljaz to manhandle her down the steps.  Tess has gone for Brendan, which is a less convincing choice, but his ego probably demanded it. 

On any other day, I'd also be applying the description 'less convincing' to Tess' jumpsuit, but there must be something in the air, for I happen to think she looks rather excellent (!?!?!?!  WHAAAAT?!?  EXCELLENT?!?  IN A JUMPSUIT?!?  ARE YOU INSANE?!?  ETC ETC?!?).

I know.  But there you go.  Yes, I would still always advocate a skirty bottom in such cases, but Tess’ lacy cap sleeve arm detail is rather gorgeous and, most of all, it all fits.  IT ALL FITS!!!  (By which I mean that Tess' boobs are exactly where you would expect/hope they would be).   TessDressYesSuccess is a turn up for the books, and a blow to the blogging community, but credit where it is due (to Tess' underwear merchants).

It also essentially proves my theory that Tess was dressing all wonky to guard against any impure thoughts that Bruce might possibly have had, especially during that unbearable, outrageously dated, thigh grab at the start.  Now the coast is clear, Tess can walk out with confidence.  Mind you, if I'm honest, Claude's fairly likely to go for a squeeze, if she fancies it.  But I suppose it's probably welcome - everyone with working brain cells crushes on Claudia Winkleman.

Mind you, on the subject of La Winkles, all is not quite as it should be - it's still Claudia, so we're fine - but 1. her fringe is not buried in her eyes, 2. her eyes are not kohled to within an inch of a panda's life and 3. she is NOT IN BLACK.  She still looks lovely, but not Claudia-lovely.  This better not have any-Samson like impact on her behaviour...

Tess and Claude then get the judges to dance in (which seems to be a slightly inadvisable New Thing) and my main thoughts are: they look creaky and it's not always nice to make older people dance without letting them warm up first.

And then...

It's. Time. To Meet. The Stars. Of Our Show.

Anton is already in a kilt.  Clearly they don't hold out much hope for a long Judy tenure. (Sad face.)  

Seeing as there are a billion competitors, I'm going to run through them, couple by couple, lest I forget someone (Sunetra) or go on at particular length about someone else (Steve's vest).  And so, onwards!

Caroline Ex-Factor and Pasha

Oh THERE'S Claudia's fringe; Caroline’s wearing it, BOOM BOOM, for they've unexpectedly dressed her in a long t-shirt with golden streamers fringing off it.  (If that description makes the dress sound dubious, then I should disclaim that it isn't at all - it's just I want first dibs and I'm trying to put you off it.)  I was expecting self-conscious nervousness, but Caroline’s cha chat is really, really excellent.  She immediately moves right up my pecking order - she doesn't have the obvious ringer status that Strictly fans detest, but she can clearly dance already.  Perhaps Vix could be the first Sweepstaker to make this two in a row...

Tim Antiques and Natbot

Props to Natalie for working unbelievably hard to make it seem like she's utterly delighted at being paired with a wacky older gentleman who doesn't have much (any) natural flair for the cha cha cha.  (She's actually working hard enough to make me think it might be genuine, but surely not - it's a pre-programmed robot setting, right?)  Despite Nats' enthusiasm, things on the dancefloor really are a struggle, even if Tim still oozes confidence and goes for it.  Perhaps it's the oozing confidence that's the problem, in fact, and that's why his cha cha walks having something of the “soiled nappy” about them, as Craig so kindly pointed out.  It's actually Natalie who has the pants of note - her mint green dress is basically bejeweled Bridget Joneses, with some material flapping off them.   At least Tim's got the latin out the way on the non-phone vote week.  Maybe Isabelle's £1 stake will sneak on to week three yet.

Jake Eastenders and Janette ¡Manrara!

Jake's main challenge will be to look happy during the cheeky dances, but they're kindly easing him in with the tango, where his instinctive dance facial expression of 'concentration and fury' is perfect.  And it works - he is GREAT.  It's no surprise that an Eastenders baddie can do moody and menacing, but Jake seems to be able to dance too; there's a bit of hoochy tooch (not in a good Tyra way), but other than that it's a really promising tango.  This is the 'journey', no question, so I think Katie's stake has a chance of going really quite far.  And hopefully others will now also be converted to my ¡Manrara! fandom, after Julien's hyper-annoyingness turned out to be more than enough for two last year. 

Judy and Anton

After the group dance, it seemed fairly clear that Judy needs some serious tuition, which is a shame really, as Anton's prime motivation is less ‘teaching’ and more ‘making chin-heavy muggy faces at the camera’.  The VT suggests they mainly laughed and ate cake.  I suppose it's good for Judy's image - though if you think about it for half a second, it's not THAT surprising that someone would come across as an intense joyless harridan, if the only time you ever see them is when their kid is competing and they're dealing with the natural parent-fear that their kid will require serious mum-comforting if they don't do well.  ANYWAY, Judy and Anton are waltzing to Mull of Kintyre, in tartan, with a real life piper on stage, leaving Scottish Mr Cad to exclaim, in mock despair, "Oh GOD. Are they going to fuck a haggis halfway through?".  They didn't, but there wasn't a huge amount of natural waltzing either and Anton did have to resort to some shunt and drag.  So sorry, sweepstaker Ben, I don’t think this is to be Anton’s year, after all.  On the plus side, Judy looked BEAUTIFUL and the judges did their best not to be too mean about it all.  Fortunately, Judy was in total mega-fan viewer mode anyway and had forgotten the judges were there to talk about her dancing.  When Bruno did his line about her “maiden voyage experiencing turbulence” she just chuckled away like she was watching this on the telly and he was talking about Fiona Phillips.

Scott Radio 1 and Joanne

So Judy wasn’t great and Tim had trouble, but my absolute favourite terrible dance of the night - nay of the WEEKEND - was Scott Mills' BRILLIANTLY AWFUL cha cha to Rock DJ, for which Craig offered up a (generous) 2.  It's fair to say that Scott walking around looking mildly clammy and slightly delirious, whilst Joanne did wide-eyed faces at the camera, before they both did some pointing, is not your usual cha cha cha, but it was somehow adorably charming.  Which means, Julie, that I'm fairly sure your sweepstake pound will be fine for a few weeks to come.  They also have properly good celeb pulling power; Week One and already the likes of Robbie Williams cameoing in the VT, accusing Scott of having stolen his Rock DJ tiger pants.  (Scott denies it, but you can tell from the immense blushing that he totally did - or it's clearly not the first time he's had a moment thinking about Robbie's pants.)  Anyway, I'll totally sulk if Scott leaves next week, so I'm counting on you, the Great British public.  Love you byeeeee.

Pixie Pop Princess #1 and Trent

It might be unfair, but I'm not predisposed to much like Pixie - possibly as it's clear she's barely even heard of Strictly Come Dancing, and die-hard fans like me prefer their contestants to arrive fully immersed in the relevant SCD mythology.  Sadly, the most ‘interesting’ thing they've found about Pixie so far is that “she likes fashion”, which doesn't bode well.  It’s not even interesting to find that she’s good at dancing - because, well, of course she is.  She’s clinically good, really, but I couldn’t actually 100% focus on her jive, as her dress was SO SHORT that I was too busy counting gusset flashes.  (It’s hard to look directly at them; Pixie and Trent are so tits and teeth blond that they painfully gleam directly into your retina.)  But my own reticence aside, I don't think Justine needs to worry about her pound stake just yet - ability and high scores will carry Team Bland Blond pretty far.  And they both have time to develop a personality (even if there’s a looooong way to go on that).  Maybe Trent's just a bit shy at the moment and does have the character to jujje things up - after all, he did use the “fella over there with the hella good hair” bit in the Taylor Swift rap to choreograph himself some manhairography, sneakily running his hands through his blond locks and pouting - that certainly shows promise.

And so, a quick flash of dance and Pixie's pants later, that's Friday done and dusted.  Let's see what Saturday will bring...

Saturday’s proceedings

Things kick off with a pro dance to Bastille's Pompeii, which has the novelty of being a modern song wot I am aware of.  We are mainly treated to what it looks like when Aliona actually tries dancing at her best (she’s fantastic), but the special effects team have finally been let loose on the superimposing images machine and it’s all very exciting - no-one’s going to pass up additional Aljaz, are they?  It’s also a good chance to see which pro is dancing with which other pro this year, after the mass pro-jumble you get from losing James, Robin and Erin.  We seem to have Ola and Pasha, Karen and Kevin, Aliona and Brendan, Kristina and Tristan, Iveta and Anton, Trent and Nat, and Aljaz and Joanne, with Janette a lovely floater, but they’re clearly happy to partner swap, as everyone seemed to end up with a totally different person than whoever they started with.  Though, sometimes the pro dances are just a mass of head whips and women being chucked over men’s heads, so you can’t see nuffink anyway.

Clearly the producers realised overnight that the Claudia Friday makeover was total folly and she happily returns with creeping fringe, baby panda eyeliner and full black dress, with lovely jewelled black beehive bodice detail.  Tess makes it an UNHEARD OF two out of two, in perfectly hoisted slick black and scarlet.  They make the judges dance in again, and the camera sticks with Len at his campest, when it should be focusing on Darcey’s swishy skirt.  Know your audience, Mr Vision Mixer.

Then yadda, yadda, stars of our show, and we’re off.

Mark TOWIE and Karen

Mark begins with an inexplicable foray towards Uniform Dating.com, dressed in a hard hat and high vis jacket over his spangly vest.  I haven’t watched Towie much, but I don’t remember his ‘character’ being ‘construction worker’ - I thought it was ‘perma-tanned lad’.  He's clearly learnt all the cha cha moves Karen’s given him, down to the careful hand placement just below the rib cage, but there's still some finesse to do - it's a bit ‘by numbers’ and default camp for now.  He's only going to get better and if he manages to keep his ITV2ness toned down, sweepstaker Jo might see her pound sticking around for a wee while yet.      

Alison Big Brother and Aljaž       

Post-Riley, it’s no longer a mind-blowing surprise to anyone that size isn’t the main constraint to danceability, and that rhythm and performance can come in a whole range of shapes and sizes.  Alison was great - but I was expecting her to be great.  And perhaps I was expecting her to be slighter greater than she was, as those feet were a bit flat, in spite of the truly contagious joy she was busting out in her cha cha.  Regardless, I think think Laura’s stake will go far, especially as I’d completely forgotten just how hot-flushingly, hormone-inducingly, phone-vote-friendlily hot hot HOT Aljaž is.  Dressed as a body guard, in those aviator shades...  Thom’s got competition, especially whilst his stomach is hidden under a cummerbund.

Steve Wildlife and Ola      

My first act was to send a screenshot to my sister of Steve straddling his motorbike, looking full Lion-O - cause that's a special look.  My second act was to take note that, yes, yes, guns, but also: Steve can tango!  For me, Mr Backshall was the biggest surprise - I wasn’t expecting such a cheesy grin to morph into menacing attack and sexy tango face.  I think Dan’s got a real shot at the £15 jackpot here.  If Steve lives up to the dance potential he showed tangoing in a glittery vest, and Ola can channel the love the public had for her in her Team Cola days, then that’s a powerful combo indeed.  It probably helps that Ola is happy to wear a strappy lady-sporran instead of an actual skirt.  

Jennifer Irish and Tristan Irish  

Well, they have a sweet mother and son thing going on (let’s say a young mother, for the sake of kind aging purposes – he’s 32, she’s 50), but Jennifer’s jiving was a little more about the resting than the energy (not that I’m sure I’d be able to kick and flick for a minute and a half without collapse).  They seemed cute together, but I think we were probably banking on raucous Oirish pub chat appeal to bring the votes in, so I fear that Holly's pound stake will soon be part of a jackpot over which she'll have no claim.  Jennifer looked good in her funky jive dress though.  And so did Tristan, in that practise hoody... *fans self*

Thom Rugby Hunk and Iveta

They’re really hammering this showmance, aren’t they?  Thom seems a little more willing than Iveta, but that might be because I’m (sadly) detecting a hint of 'blandly suggestible' under that laboratory-honed physique.  Having said that, I pretty much always find the waltz a dull dance, so there’s still time to pec it up and get the laydeez and gaydeez on board.  Thom’s just too beautiful to endanger Terry’s hold on the sweepstake just yet.

Sunetra Casualty and Brendan

Another pleasant surprise - though I am a sucker for a tango, especially in such an excellent teal dress with dramatic swish appeal.  It's the first time we’ve seen hospital-ward-ography too - I'm not sure that was quite as successful as Sunetra's skirt, but it was worth pushing the medical references, as I've totally added 'Bad Case Of Loving You (Doctor, Doctor)' to my karaoke list (choon!).  I still think Sunetra will struggle to knock out some of the younger, perkier contestants, but she might leave one or two CASUALTIES (yessssss) in her tracks, so don’t despair yet, Sweepstaker Louise.

Gregg Masterchef and Aliona

"Oh yes, Gregg, it ees totally normal to wear the evening gloves for the cha cha.  No no, it ees not because I do not vant to touch you under any circumstances."

"Ok Aliona."

I suppose Gregg channelled some variation on 'cheeky', even if his interpretation of the cha cha was partway between 'hetero stereotype of camp' and 'overexcited toddler needing a wee'.  Maybe I'd be more into this if I were a Masterchef fan, but as things stand I think it's best for all of us if Abi doesn't keep hold of her sweepstake pound this year.

Frankie Saturdays and Kevin from Grimsby

Something in my eye!  Something in my eye!  Yes, FINE, I shed a tear (it was the morning after my birthday, so...), but I found Frankie's waltz really gorgeous and moving, so I was totally sold, in spite of Kevin's Blair-esque shirt sweat patches (that was an unforgiving shade of nylon taupe).  Rightly or not, I think that Pixie will be seen as the pop princess dirty ringah, and Frankie might have some pressure off.  And if the British public can stomach a female winner when Thom and Steve's muscles are in contention...  Well, after this showing, Beth's our sweepstaker winner this year.

Simon Blue and Kristina

So, dressing like all the Jersey Boys and getting his jive on suits Simon better than forcing harmonised vocals at the giant Dusseldorf's Esprit Arena dressed as a beefy ringmaster (as much as I really enjoyed Blue’s Eurovision performance).  This was - as expected - very competent.  And you've got to love good old Kristina, stunning in Fuck You scarlet, cheerleading him along with every last perfectly coiffed, manicured and toned particle in her body.  She's been having a shitty old tabloid time of it, so here's a public Strictlycad response: Back Off Misogynist Slaggers, I want a sweepstake win!  (Slightly preferred your big meringuey Marilyn hair though, K-Rhi.)

And that's that - there's yer lot for Week 1.   All in all, a lot of promise for the months to come.  Next week heralds the return of kicking people out, via (I assume) the dreaded Dance Off.  As things stand, surely Anton's fanbase is too powerful to harm Judy just yet (how ever hard Andy may or may not want his mum to stop dancing)?  And I think Scott will, and Tim might, sneak past. Which probably means we’re looking at a Jennifer v Gregg battle, with Jennifer victorious.  Though, the Week 2 dances will hold more sway than this week’s - and Lord only knows the power of the Mrs Brown’s Boys phone vote...

So, lo, Winter may be coming, but there are exciting times ahead! There's only one thing for it...   Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep watching!