Series 11 – Week 8 - Blackpool

Well, you had a jolly good run, Fiona, and were able to happily leave on a pretty good dance, in which you looked like a slightly older Kristen Dunst playing a rich divorcée riding the alimony pony, who ends up riding Anton The Pilot - in DANCE FORM, MY GOD, YOUR MINDS.   Yes, the riding involved a slightly unfortunate legs akimbo lift hoist, but overall I thought it was a lovely American Smooth for Fiona, who exits with a higher media profile and Anton du Beke’s eternal friendship (one out of two etc etc – oh I jest, I’m coming round to Anton these days, now he’s gone for the season).  Here also endeth Wardrobe’s kindest dress run to date; even that bejewelled leafy dress was comparatively fetching - and quite the sheeny shiny (sunglasses-advised) sequinfest.  Julien Macdonald, Cher and Joan Collins are currently embroiled in a violent rumble over who gets to keep it.  My money is on Cher, obviously.

As for your money, ciao to your £1 Dan – another one bites the sweepstake dust.  Sorry. :-(

I was very pleased to see Mark survive though, as giving a big man with problematic knees a dance as frenzied as THE JIVE - well, that’s just nasty, and not in a good Miss Jackson way.  (AND that was on the back of a rumba – hardly the easiest run of dances.)  It's almost like The Powers wanted Mark out, but not yet, not on Ivetamazing's watch (as Twitter has deemed her – Ivetamazebombs, if you ask me).  This week I particularly enjoyed Ivetamazing's face when Mark offered her chips and gravy: “Mmmmm, my favourite” she said, deadpan and poker-faced, clearly a graduate of the Joey Tribbiani school of food acting, though the subtext was clear: "I vill not eat zis shit".  

Their performance wasn't half bad either – given the circumstances (bulk and knees) and his costuming (red velvet tomato).  From anyone else, a jive to Can't Stop The Beat would have put me in a right sulky old mood - Erin already dun it and she dun it best - but Mark has a genuine right to use that tune, seeing as he's actually Edna Turnblad-ed his way through real-life-people-paid-to-see-it-on-stage Hairspray. AND they got the dinosaur in.  Great fun. 

In spite of the excessively repetitive hype (we get it, TessTess, the atmosphere is great) and overuse of Blackpool sunglasses, it was an excellent show, with the standard visibly improved from where we started.  Everyone danced as well as you would hope and there some absolute crackers in there, even though Craig’s ten paddle was defiantly held back.

The real surprise for me was ATD.  Sure, I was expecting him to be highly competent, but when I heard we were getting a cowboy paso, my first thought was: Oh Ola, sweetheart, best leave the conceptual shizzle to Iveta and the costume-based pervification to Kristina.  But I actually rather enjoyed their ridiculous Wild West Doble, no doubt in part thanks to a bit of Bon Jovi action powering it along (a well-established feature of any Cad and Mr Cad roadtrip - that and some Springsteen, oh yesss).  And Ashley danced it very well - he wasn't as mincey as he has been in the past, though his angry outlaw sex face looked more like a schoolboy trying to stifle a few giggles, so that was a little less successful.  Ola does still need to work on the pervification, though - there was far too much boring black and brown in there and far too little glittery chaps action.  Imagine how Robin would have cowboy-ed it up?  YEE-HAW.

In many ways, Kevin from Grimsby’s paso costume could also have done with some additional Strictly pimping too - yes, it was sequinned and elaborate and scarlet but it was still lacking something somehow...  Let's face it, Artem would have totes paso-ed topless, or with some under-jacket nipple flashing at the very least, and Anton would probably have insisted on a tasseled hat.  But I do respect the very traditional styling (and the shirt remaining on) - I think it was the tie that was perhaps problematic; like an office worker who hadn’t quite got out of his work wear before getting his matador on. (And what an extra circular activity *that* would be - by day, he writes reports in the heart of Milton Keynes, by night, HE BULLFIGHTS!)  I did enjoy Kevin's eye make-up though - is this a man with a secret emo past?  I can totally see him with a glued-down GHD-straightened fringe over the left eye.

Anyway, enough of Kev’s styling, let’s talk about the dance, shall we?!  I usually prefer a RAWK paso, but I really liked this - camp yet fiery, with an amazingly dramatic SMACK DOWN ON THE FLOOR death scene.  Mr Cad has predicted Susanna for the trophy, and I think he might have something.  He’s also called an inevitable BBC ship-jump to Daybreak  in the New Year - again, that might well be accurate.  I’ll just heed this warning to our Suz: Christine Bleakley. (Unless, of course, Susanna is keen to add “Text Santa” and “That Dog Can Dance” to her CV - thank you Wikipedia, as I’m afraid I missed those TV jewels). 

I’m still naively gunning for Natalie to win though, I *think*.  She’s just so good and the fact that she keeps getting snarks from the GBP for being so good (I mean how DARE she!) is enough to make her a bit of an underdog in my mind.  Her return to the stage wasn’t quite the stormer I’d imagined (the charleston is going to be hard for anyone after Sophie’s era-defining turn), but it was still a fantastic, if gurn-y, performance, even though I spent the first half trying to suss out how they got her wonderful giant mane under that Josephine Baker wig.  I loved the  channelling of Betty Boop too - though just typing that makes me now want to see a Betty BOO charleston (or indeed any other Boo-based number), ideally with a Budget Space Age theme.  I realise it will be a challenge for the Strictly Singers to recreate that brilliantly shoddy rap style, but I'm willing to take the risk.

Whilst I was on board with Susanna and Natalie’s tens, I’m not sure I was quite there with Abbey’s - though clearly a seVEN from Craig was ludicrous, especially after he proclaimed that he “absolutely LOVED it”.  Mind you, I'm always happy to see a ten from Bruno.  I will never tire of Bruno’s ten delivery - back not just with a pout, but with added pelvic thrust and frontal fist pump, like an over-excited Power Ranger.  Sure, I enjoyed Abbey and Aljaz’s quickstep, but (unlike Craig) I didn’t absolutely LOVE it, although I will concede that that Digital Spy thread about Aljaz's behind must have been buzzing.  White trews and braces?  Gosh.

In many ways, I preferred the other quickstep, from Sophie, who looked like she was having a whale of a time being whisked around by Brendan in her Quickstep blue.  Of course, that was probably because it was such a marked improvement on her costume in the opening group number on Saturday - not even Sophie Ellis-Bextor can pull off being dressed as a giant lilypad.  As much as I love to watch a quickstep, I’ve never been tempted to try one, as it’s basically jogging in hold, which sounds like taking a non-fun thing and making it even harder.  But after seeing Sophie give it a go... well, maybe I *do* want to quickstep!  And (shock upon shock) maybe I could even give jogging in hold with Brendan Cole a go (have I gone too far?).   Sophie’s delightful I-want-to-be-your-mate cool is exactly the kind that the advertising industry tries to bottle and whiff out an attempt to sell stuff, such is the potential of her influence.  I’d recommend people avoid walking over bridges in Sophie’s company - if Sophie Ellis-Bextor said you should jump...  Well, there's a fair chance you would, I reckon.

I think there’s also a fair chance that many viewers would have been keen to play Twister with Ben - although beware his competitiveness when it comes to Buckaroo; as Kristina said: “I'm not going to lie, Ben was in the zone”.  And clearly a boardgame session was just what was needed to get Ben to focus on the prize - their American Smooth was great, though it's fair to say that performances which are low on dancing and high on Ben spinning Kristina above his head like a basketball are going to aid the Cohen passage through the competition.  Ben is lovely - immensely attractive, both because of his face and physique, but because he is so clearly a right good egg who battles for all the right things - but I’m not so blinded by pecs and ethics that I’d want Ben to beat out the better dancers.  Unless he gets better at the dancing as well as the lifting, I think I’d rather see Mark and Patrick progress further at this stage. 

Or do I? Argh. It's tough. Next week is going to be interesting - particularly given the trajectory that Patrick is following (well performance-wise), as he really is trotting out ever improving dances.  We all know how difficult and potentially rubbish the samba can be, but Patrick totally rocked it, and he even managed to be not-completely-cringearama-dad-dancey in a glitter chiffon shirt - at 50!  (Maybe there is hope for my sweepstake £1 after all...)  Poor Anya though - to be wearing so little and to still get your heel caught in the Fraggle Rock escapee tacked on to your bottom...  That's Alanis Morrisette-eque irony, that is.   

But of all the costume woes... well. 

*deep breath* 

WHAT THE HELL WAS TESS WEARING ON SUNDAY NIGHT AND HOW THE HELL DID ANYONE WITH EYES WHO LOVES HER LET THAT HAPPEN MY GOD IT WAS AWFUL AND THAT'S IN THE CONTEXT OF YEARS OF TESSDRESSMESS EVEN BY THOSE STANDARDS IT WAS ATROCIOUS YEGADS WHY TESSTESS WHY?  

Seriously though - full length disco bacon with camouflaged disco bacon belt bow does not a fashion success story make.  The only redeeming feature, pointed out by my sister, was that it wasn’t a jumpsuit.  This was a true return to TessDressMess, and no mistake.  Even Saturday’s ear armour and batman utility belt didn’t prepare me for that.  It was an utter horror and it made me sad.  Bad TessTess.

Bruce made me sad too, then (very quickly) furiously angry.  After a week off, you’d have hoped someone might have recharged Bruce's batteries, but OH MY GOD. No. The ‘jokes’... well, even someone of James Jordan's IQ could have seen them coming a mile off.  In our house “SEAGULLS” and “SHORT PIER” were repeatedly screamed at the telly well before Bruce bumbled his way to the 'punchline'.  Good on Ola for not bothering to rearrange her bitchy resting face and forcing a laugh.   And I know it was Blackpool, but there was no need for seventies throw-backing, even if it was only hints.  Did no-one think to caution against the line: “What's not to like about Mr Punch?”  (Oooooh, I don't know... how about domestic violence?)  This has *got* to be Bruce’s last year – got to be.  To think of all the Claude action we’re missing, whilst we’re forced to see Bruce manhandle Tess’ thighs.  Highly depressing.

On a happier note, at least Sunday’s group opener was exceptional.  Clearly inspired by Karen v Ola - or perhaps just a general documentary about the violent world of competitive ballroom dancing (in ballroom dance form, how apt!).  Certainly the dancers threw themselves into elbowing and doggy stares with polished gusto - almost like they had done that kind of thing before.  Though my favourite was non-pro Fiona Fullerton giving Iveta the finger eye, though - that was brillz.

Saturday’s opener was also special, though in a very different way - and I’m not talking about the giant fuzzy felt flower costumes or the fact that Camilla Dallerup (CAMILLA DALLERUP!) made an uncredited cameo appearance without the requisite Strictly Royalty Fanfare, reduced to pushing a piece of stage across the floor in a feather headdress (no matter that she looked like she was really enjoying herself... ) 

No, my issue was this: 

Children ballroom dancing.  

*sigh*

I get that the likes of Artem and Aljaz and Iveta and Ola and, yes, even Karen Hardy and Anton du Beke had to learn the ropes somehow, and I certainly don’t think kids should be mocked for doing what they love, or be prevented from doing it, but... but... but... Oh man, it freaks me out.  I think it’s because I don’t really like anything that has children behaving like adults - whether it's Adolescent Hague at the Tory conference in 1977 (not I like Adult Hague, or indeed any other year at the Tory conference, any better) or kids dressed in preposterous adult ballroom gear, recreating the vertical expression of a horizontal I can’t even finish that sentence.  Look, I get the same feeling when I see a baby dressed in a tux or a toddler in a waistcoat.  I don’t like it, OK.  Even if it is The Future.

ANYWAY, let’s think about a different, and closer, future right now – week 9, back in the studio and getting ever close to the trophy.  I love that it’s quite hard to call - to me, anyone leaving now, even Mark and Ben, will make me sad, as I think they all have much to offer us, in dance/performance/pectoral terms.  I'll just say this - use your five free internet votes, wisely people.  Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep thinking.