Well,
megacontroversy ahoy this week – by which I don't just mean Dave surviving
(more on that later viewers), but much scandalous hoohah from an alleged
bullying incident splashed all over the bastion of truth that is the Daily
Mirror, which pitted meek Ola Jordan against fiery Karen Hauer... And there you go - 'meek', 'fiery'... already
I'm using emotive language and failing to LEAVE IT PHIL. Instead of retaining the superior moral high-ground I've taken the tabloid bait and run with it.
Might
as well carry on then.
The
story goes one of a number of ways: the official Beeb line is that Karen and
Ola had a row, Karen was in the wrong, apologised and we're done here
people. Ola's
spokesperson reported that Karen “verbally attacked” Ola, but the BBC
got involved and Karen apologised - so more or less the same as the official line, but with fun added blame.
So those are the 'facts' (i.e., the tightly controlled PR), but what of the real juicy stinking tabloid meat we're all hungry like hyenas for? Well *that* story goes like this: Awful Horrible Karen
New Girl Who Does She Think She Is Hauer waited until Chivalrous Never One To
Meanly Bait People It's Just Bantz If You Don't Like It You Have No Sense Of
Humour James Jordan was out of the room, then set upon Lovely Timid Wouldn't
Say Boo To A Goose Not Known For Being Feisty Oh No Ola, and apparently Karen
said Ola was always at the back of group dances because - despite us having eyes
which suggest the contrary - Ola's rubbish at dancing. (Dancers bitching to other dancers!
Imagine! I can't believe any of them have had to put up with THAT kind of thing before, what with being part of an industry that has such a mild and easy-going reputation.) ANYWAY, Ola, rather
understandably you might think, was a wee bit upset at being called a shit
dancer, so she immediately threatened to quit (a 'source' said it, so it MUST be true), before deciding that the show must go on, heroism ahoy and it was probably better to fulfil one's contractual obligations and bravely continue appearing on prime time terrestrial Saturday night TV - after all, Ola couldn't
leave Ashley in the lurch, even though he's only willing to spare
five minutes each week away from his own PR to train. Best of all, the fight ALLEGEDLY took place during a
pro-dance rehearsal and Pasha 'swoon' Kovalev had to hold Karen's hair
extensions back to stop her from tearing out Ola's hair extensions (let us all
briefly dwell on the erotic potential of Pasha in a catfight sandwich) and sure, there was an apology and the Beeb say it's all sorted and
no-one's quitting or getting fired or upset any more, but why leave it there when you can throw
words like 'bullying' around?
I
imagine the reality is somewhere in the middle – Karen had a go and was made to
say sorry, Ola was still a bit peeved and her PR leaked the story... WHO KNOWS? It certainly didn't stop the Digital Spy
forums respectfully speculating on who was the most likely bully in the cast
(most popular choice: Kristina) or Twitter getting affronted
because someone might have said something mean and bitchy, so responded to the horror of someone maybe saying something mean and bitchy by saying
something definitely mean and bitchy, repeatedly to Karen's twitter feed, until Ola asked
them to stop, though that may have spurred them on, who can tell, because applying
logic to this situation is just ridiculous.
It’s still going on on the forums AS WE SPEAK.
Dear
God. And I can't even rise above it, as
I've just typed all that and haven't deleted it.
The
point I suppose I'm trying to make is that it's a shame that people... Well,
it's a shame that people. Period. That
sums it up neatly.
This wouldn't have happened on Erin’s watch.
ANYWAY, this also means that I haven't reported Rachel's exit til now. So let's do that, shall we? Bye bye dear lovely but terrible dancer
Rachel – dancing the “abominable American Smooth with her partner Pasha
'Killer' Kovalev” (as the BBC made voiceover man Alan Dedicoat say - abominable might be slightly harsh, but... ahem).
Sorry Sweepstaker Abi, that's your £1 down - but we will
all mourn Pasha leaving. Not only is he
Pasha (HELLO), not only was he dressed as a pussycat (PURRRR), but he's now a
brave cat-scrap intervener and defender of the peace (OUR HERO). But let's face harsh facts here, peeps. Being Pasha just wasn’t
enough to propel a lovely gorgeous girl with a not-great (atrocious) dancing style to the
final. I know that everyone else thought
Rachel had improved this week, but I still found her pretty dire on the
dancefloor and, in spite of a geniousse move on Pasha's part in casting her as
a wooden mannequin (she was MEANT to be clunky and inelegant you SEE), it wasn't
going to go anywhere in the weeks to come, was it? Week 6 and still not pointing your feet - that's just basic, however happy you are to be hoisted up on to the Kovalev
shoulder. (Orderly line, please.)
On
that basis, I may be alone, but I wasn’t so sad to see Rachel go this week - I’d
still rather have one more week of Dave, as I tend to prefer ‘LOL’ rubbish to
‘oh love, this is just awkward’ rubbish.
But my support rests on the proviso that Dave brings back some comedy for his
(inevitable?) swansong. This week’s Monster
Mash jive was lacklustre and disappointing - no fruit wig or leather cape-work
for starters. It half felt like The
Hairy Dancers were trying to actually DAHHNCE, but Dave's
technique was still so dreadful that the judges didn't even notice and failed to dish out
any ensuing credit. It's tough stuff, though I suppose Karen had
other things on her mind - like swapping her silent PR company for a passive
aggressive spokesperson.
Still,
the upshot of the public saving Dave was the shocker that was Abbey rumba-ing with “Aljaz 'Scabby'
Skorjanec” in the Dance Off - basically sealing Rachel’s fate. And it was a shock! I didn't see that one coming, even though it
totally happened to Kimba last year, in pretty much the same circumstances. I felt sad for Abbey. I liked her rumba - turns out it's not such a cringe-fest when it's danced by two people whose beauty is off the scale. Clearly the public disagreed and didn't phone in their masses for them (or click five times on the internet), though I'm sure we all appreciated Aljaz's Tory
Wife blouse and its lack of buttons.
Abbey
must have come bottom of the public vote to fall so low. I imagine Sophie's fan gang got voting, after
she scored 6 (and Ben scored 9 - I know his pecs are rather defined, but COME
ON). It also gives us a glimpse of Anton’s terrifying popularity, as I
really thought Fiona and her partner “Anton 'Deathly' du Beke” would be dancing again. I wasn't hugely taken by
their “chilling charleston” - I mean, there's a misrepresentation for
starters! It was a polite charleston in
scarecrow outfits, where the make-up theme was 'sticking one's face in a cow
pat'. I can see why Make-Up might be
happy to stick poo up Anton’s nose, but there was no need to drag Fiona into
it.
The charleston is already niche and characterful (I'm feeling generous), so it doesn't need
a fancy dress theme to jazz it up. Really, it's too wacky and silly to be scary or sinister
(well, purposefully sinister) and Susanna
and Kevin's charleston was a prime example.
It would have been as good, if not better, if it hadn't been to Bad Moon
Rising (a terrible song for a gurnfest) and we didn't need to see “Kevin 'Corpse' Clifton” turned into a hairy garden gnome which has just been electrocuted. No TV make-up dept has has ever successfully
managed to turn a man into a convincing werewolf - even Oz from Buffy just looked
like fake fur had been sellotaped to his face, and Kevin's costume is no exception. And I won’t comment
on the hair type used, other than to say ‘suspiciously curly’.
Faring
better in the costume stake was “Anya 'Gruesome' Garnis” who did some magnificent
stripper work in her “quivering Quickstep” with Patrick - from Sexy Pumpkin to
skeleton prom dress (with excellent skeletal booty detail on the behind) in less than a nano-second. See Deborah, that’s how you do the quick
costume change. Next step – Eurovision, with a song about culitvars of squash and old bones as a metaphor for love and world peace.
Tell
you who else would go down well at Eurovision – Ben's chest. Out and proud. Sure his “petrifying paso doble” was a
sexyfest, but I'm not convinced it was the dancing wot done it, even if he did
manage some good spinning bits (yet again, Strictlycad dazzles with her dance
lingo) and threw “Kristina 'Rancid' Rihanoff” around a bit quite effectively.
Less
effective, but (as I've said) far more harshly scored was Sophie “nerve-jangling
jive with Brendan 'Creepy' Cole”. It was
a gangly performance really, all long elastic limbs, not helped by Sophie's red peplum catsuit - although I
did enjoy her Asymmetric Morticia wig.
Brendan's still rocking the eighties - I think we can now safely assume
he's just bringing his own clothes in.
That doesn't explain why he choreographed a snog with Cher behind the bins mind.
Artem
made better use of his props - a dry ice lake from which Natalie could rise
like pond scum to... a couple of TENS!
Yay! (At least the mildew
forehead make-up was worth it.) Her lady of the lake Viennese waltz
was just lovely, I thought. I'm sure
there will be a debate as to whether it deserved the score it got, but it suited
me and, more importantly, it suited the narrative of the series. Elsewhere, Artem clearly only accepted being filmed as a disembodied microwaved head in the VT intro if their dance could be
introduced without the crappy Halloween words - did you notice Alan didn't spice that one up? No ‘vile’ or ‘vicious’
Viennese Waltz from them – just a plain old simple one, in a fake lake.
Obviously
Ola hasn’t had the time for such negotiations this week, as Alan Dedicoat
called her and Ashley’s performance a “terrible tango”, which wasn’t accurate
at all. I still don't like ATD,
particularly he seems to be doing the show to promote the crappily-named
single, ‘Playboy Bunny’, which sounds excellently misogynistic, unless
the content is in fact decrying pathetic fluffy ear-based female objectification. (I
can’t tell, as Google has failed me, but, let’s be honest, it seems unlikely. Course, if it is a feminist proclamation, rather than, say, a song about tits, I am prepared to apologise in print.) At least Ola had a lovely old week fashion-wise
- that electric blue tango dress was wonderful.
I
had to rewatch Mark's “poisonous paso” with “Iveta 'loathsome' Luckypoopoo” –
all I could see the first time was Iveta flashing her crack. Don't get me wrong, I think Iveta is the don
- I just don't need to see quite so much of her. Anyway, on second viewing, I'm happy to
report I thought it was aces – Mark (or Dave as the judges called him, but then
Darcey got called Dave too, so mwahahahaha, am still laughing at that one)
produced an excellent camp spaceman macho vibe and danced it pretty well to
boot. Also, well done to hair and
make-up for doing Iveta as Mars Attacks meets Insane Clown Posse.
I
suppose all the Halloween costuming meant that Tess and Claude could wear whatever they wanted and have a
week off being so harshly judged (though I noticed that lace jumpsuit, Claudia,
and I wasn’t happy). In fact, I’ll even
go so far as to chalk up another Tessdressyes on Saturday – rather lovely
midnight blue lace, excellent for Halloween and not in a freak show kind of
way. I will even skip over the sheer
side panels. Darcey’s hair also looked
excellent, even if I’m not convinced the world is yet ready for a crimpers revival.
It
was the pro-dances that raised a costume eyebrow – let’s gloss over the pelvic
bones and origami knickers for the Madness performance, which I like to think
took place at the end of the pier which leads to Erin Island. It was Timewarp which triumphed - I should know better, but I really, really enjoyed it. It
made good judge use, with Craig having to vogue sitting-down and Bruno
getting a cameo, leaping from the desk and assuming the Tess Crucifixion position – he has been gagging
for that for YEARS, clearly. It made
good trouser use too – Pasha in tartan (McYUM), Karen in stripy ho-leggings – both
of which are going right into my Strictly Trousers Top... well, it has to be a
Ten now, there are so many entries. And
it was good to see Robin in a full-on string jumper. He may be out of the competition, but at
least he’s achieved full graduation from the string training vests.
And
we’re done! Next week is THEME AND
BRUCE-FREE!!!! (Although Bruce had his
moments, this week – shhhhhh, I didn’t actually say that.) Even I’ll admit that it’s got to be time for
Dave to get back on his bike and ride off into the TV sunset, to cook up joy and Christmas cookbook sales. I am concerned by the threat of a Dave
backlash though – a man that lovely shouldn’t have to face the wrath of the
interweb. He should be free to frolick
and gambol like the delight he is - just perhaps not in a ballroom, sadly.
Unless.... who’s in for a backlash against the backlash?! Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeping hoping!
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