Series 11 – Week 3 - Love Week

Farewell Feltz. It was mercifully brief in the end – though perhaps harsh to lose out to Julien's manic coke jive, and harsher still to leave with your hair styled like My Little Pony.  Her tango was a bit heave and drag, I suppose, but you could tell she was giving it her all – trouble was, her all just wasn't that good at dancing.  But ultimately, well done Feltz – I didn't smash the screen every time you appeared, and I don't find you as loathsomely irritating as I used to.  Surely that's a win?  No win for Louise though – it wasn't to be for your £1 this time...

I'm glad Julien survived his second appearance in the dance-off – but, let's face it, it won't be his last.  If Vanessa's tango was heave and drag, then Julien's jive was GRIN AND FLAIL.  It doesn't help that Jeanette ¡Manrara! is such a phenomenal dancer, making their side by side bits look a bit Before and After (not sure what gets you from the before to the after – some powerful hormone injections at the very least).  Costume-wise, Julien is continuing his mission to be as elegantly crystallised as a Swarovski toilet seat (I SWEAR such an item exists – I saw it in B&Q); this week, the sparkle hit his jacket shoulders, like reflective expensive dandruff.  It's got to be a full body sequinned catsuit for next week's inevitable exit, right?

Mind you, as patchy as it might have seemed to the untrained eye, Len, in his infinite wisdom, still gave Julien a “seVEN!” for his jive, which is the same score he gave Patrick, Fiona, Rachel, Mark, Ben, Deborah and Ashley.  Yes, ASHLEY - Head Judge Len Goodman thought that Julien's performance was as good as ASHLEY'S.  !!!!!!!!!!!! (etc)  I know the judges' scores are usually all over the place (frankly, the only consistency is that they are always arbitrary, apart from Craig, maybe), but, to quote Len back at himself, COME ON!  Ashley's dance was probably one of the night's best – certainly from the boys.  Sure his samba bounce was a little mincealicious, but to say it was the standard as Julien's hot mess...  Nope.  And hasn't Ashley lost the baby weight quickly?  He might not have the inflation of an Artem or a Robin, but gosh he's taut.  

Sophie, representing lady Samba, is also taut – after THREE babies.  We met her rock star husband in the training VT, who has all the raw and potent sexual rawk charisma of a librarian – but there's certainly a market for that, even if it doesn't necessarily move like Jagger.  He also got to feel Brendan's bum against his man bits, so I bet he was glad to turn to turn up at rehearsals.  At first I was underwhelmed by Sophie's samba (we were always going to be let down after her aces charleston), but on second watch, I think I could be sold.  She's just quite naturally cooler-than-thou, and has a nonchalance in her movements which seem gawky and uncoordinated at first, but are actually pretty competent and charming when you take a closer look.  Well to me, at least.  AND she pulled off an outfit made from the offshoots of a Horror Clown costume stitched on to a gym leo and feather bumdress.  I also enjoyed how the whole thing dated Brendan as Proper Old – that was clearly not the first time he'd danced to All Night Long in a Miami Vice jacket with the sleeves rolled up.  He was there with Lionel the first time round - though I accept that in New Zealand that might have been some time after the rest of the world.

Still, as good as Sophie and Ashley might be, it's Natalie Corrie who is dominating.  That rumba!  I didn't even need to watch it in 'rumba mode' (you know, where the whole dance of lurrrve thing is so squirmingly embarrassing you have to watch behind your fingers, with one eye closed.  Copyright: my sister).  It was so good that I didn't notice Artem's naked chestbags until about halfway through.  Natalie's diamenté-encrusted mint green cossie with matching sarong shawl was a bit Florida retirement condo, but she was working it – and didn't even need the inbuilt support paneling or complimentary catheter.  

Will anyone match Natalie?  For pure talent, I don't think so, but Susanna has a fair amount of natural ability; if she pairs that with A Journey, maybe she could snatch a win...  After all, a significant part of the Strictly hardcore hate a trained dancer – RINGAH is a right old dirty word in some quarters, and whilst Natalie isn't quite living Van-Outen-Gate, it's not far off.  

Anyway, I'm delighted to see Susanna and Spexy Kevin getting on really well – despite the lack of fizz when they first met (probably as Susanna had only seen him glasses-free).  My crush on Kev develops apace as we watch him use football metaphors to teach dance - all the more impressive as I do not like football.  Their Viennese waltz certainly suited Love Week and Susannah danced well, in spite of wearing Wonder Woman Christmas decorations on her wrists (hardly the height of romance).  She also made it through the spins without vomming – mind you, Kev had helpfully choreographed lots of close hugging to recover from the dizziness.   

Aljaz also showed some generous choreographing – getting Abbey to jive from a sitting position, so she didn't get overly knackered.  Clearly Abbey has potential, but I wasn't too impressed this week.  Possibly I couldn't see past those terrible school girl socks over high heeled sandals – it might be on trend as a look (literally no idea), but yurgh.  Not wishing to dwell on the appearance-based bitching (by which I mean, 'dwelling on the appearance-based bitching'), I didn't rate Abbey's eye make-up either.  Oddly, that Twiggy look wasn't a great one for a girl with very striking eyes – it made her look quite toothy and sleepy, which isn't the ideal energetic Jive look.  Take note, all women and drag queens – if the model (“and TV presenter” ahem) can't work a style...

Iveta is therefore still the queen of sixties make-up, though this week she was rocking an American Smooth glamour puss stage-door stalker look.  Iveta and Mark are playing an excellent game, if you ask me; after two well danced but erring on the comedic routines, they toned down the comedy and upped the dance this week, before the judges could have a pop at the wrong emphasis.  Of all Len's seVENS, this was one of the better routines I think, even if the crazed-Lithuanian-fan-with-a-big-man-fetish-ends-up-in-relationship-with-the-object-of-her-affections is a bit of a bizarre one.

Of all the new pros, poor Anya is having the least impact – couple chemistry is EVERYTHING in Strictly and so far, she and Patrick Casualty haven't really thrown much personality in our faces.  Everything is nice and sweet and sweet and nice, but, it's also a little boring.  I remember very little about their foxtrot – possibly that Patrick was wearing a velvet jacket? (Nope, pinstripe.)  It was to... um.  Nope.  Sorry.  Maybe the latin will have more of an impact.  It's guns time, Mr Robinson.  When in doubt, whip 'em out.

Speaking of arms, hello Ben Rugby doing a rumba.  THAT was an improvement, wasn't it?  I'm talking about the dancing, OBVZ.  Mind you, it helped that Kristina was writhing with every last fibre of her uber bendy dance being to sell this thing – am amazed she didn't collapse at the end and pass out such was her dedication.  Certainly I needed a sit down afterwards.  (Not really – I was already sitting down and stuffing my face with delicious pizza.)  

Less impressive was, I'm afraid, our Rachel, who I think could be the early 'shock' exit in the next few weeks.  Sure, she's stunning, which hides a multitude of sins, and sure she's got Pasha, which provides a multitude of swoon, but in the end... she's just not that able, is she?  But I do like her, even though I'm probably the exact opposite of her target market (namely, all dads 'forced' to watch the show).  My working theory is that Rachel was actually grown in a genetically modified lab under the project name: Gorgeous Brainy TV Lady Wot Won't Intimidate The Older Men Folk And Will Therefore Help Man Show Ratings All While Women Don't Hate Her Either.  I mean how else do you explain it?

My god, are we nearly done yet?  Who's left.  Ah yes, Deb and Fi, as they are not known.  They did well, I thought – they both provided strong performances which were highly enjoyable, even though I probably prefer a dance where Anton gets booted in the shins.  I note that Anton was wearing baggy white slacks AND a longer jacket for this week's waltz – taking no chances that there might be some additional trouser silhouette on show.  Meanwhile Deborah's quickstep dress was also a wise Wardrobe call – I liked it rather a lot.  She is totally slipping Wardrobe some dragon money.

Is that it?  Of course not.  For I have, of course, saved the best til last. I ask for a respectful hush then a rousing whooping and a hollering, for it is time.  BRACE YOURSELVES AS WE WELCOME.... 

Dave Myers and his partner Karen Hauer performing their incredible paso doble!  

Or, as Dave calls it, their “paso do-ba-lay”.  Look, I know I should know better, but the fact of the matter is this – I just bloody loved it.  For me, the clincher was the moment when he did the horizontal V sign at Karen The Bull with one arm, attempted a flamenco pose with the other, whilst his face... well, according to Bruno, his face looked like he had smelt a “butt cheese”.   But to me, Dave's face was channeling the conviction of a matador DOMINATING HIS ANIMAL.  It was hilarious and wonderful and his capework was exceptional.  I voted for him five times - and no regrets.

Yes, there comes a point where the comedy hits its limit and it's not right for truly strong dancers to be sacrificed for a Nancy, but we are far from that point at this stage.  Right now, I'd be happy for Dave to take out Julien, Rachel, Patrick, Fiona, Deborah and maybe even Mark and Ben.  Settle in for some special performances to come, peeps - and even if you don't like the 'dances', no-one with a heart can resist Dave's backstage chat.  When Tessa assumed that he needed a sit down, and he happily replied that he was fine – my, how we chuckled.

In the end, it was a pretty cracking week really, in spite of the lurrrve theme.  I very much enjoyed Ola and James' ten year anniversary pro dance – it was nice of James to double dip for his dance-wedding whilst Ola made the effort by wearing a wedding dress tutu that revealed her pants as she span down the aisle.  Kristina was also excellently cast as head bridesmaid –  newly single and ready to get so drunk even Anton might be on the cards, even if that bitch Bruno caught the bouquet.  

The pro-partner swapping continued on Sunday – just as I thought I'd got a handle on it, Aljaz 'boyfriend of Janette' danced with Iveta, then he and Aliona got paired up.   Regardless of my feelings for la Vilani, boy, can she dance – and all the better in a casual white summer shirt dress which minimises any Betty Boop-inspired pout’n’wiggle and forces her to concentrate on the beauty of movement.  (This is a GOOD THING, Aliona.)   Iveta also got to dance with Anton as well as Aljaz.  Well, I say 'dance' - she flew around in a harness, whilst Anton donned Simon Cowell high-waisters and made half-hearted attempts to waft his arms in her general direction.

Off the dance floor, Bruce was back and.... well, I coped.  As for la Daly, it was both Tessdressmess AND Tessdressyes – so we shall chalk this up as a relative Tessdresssuccess.  I did not care for Sunday's tangerine dream with chesty landing strip – there was really no need for a flesh coloured intra-boob gusset cut into the front of that dress.  Sunday's black number, however, was just the right side of little girl party dress and, shock upon shock, it fitted her!!!  Not a wonky boob or gut mirage in sight!  Claudia wears what she wears and was generally magnificent, as ever.  I still can't get over the shininess of her hair.

The competition is kicking in now, people, I think.  I suspect Julien will be next (comedy fact: my iPhone auto-corrects 'Julien' to 'JULIEN', like it knows how much he enjoys yelling), but after that, I really can't call it.  The Dave effect will wear off eventually, but I have a feeling he'll mow down some 'better' dancers in his hairy motorbike path....  (And for now, I hope he does.)  Oh, the excitement!  Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep watching!