Well, we can’t claim to be surprised, can we? Bye bye Tony, back to your life of Floridan sunshine and golf – I think you'll be ok, though you will wonder what the bloody hell your agent was thinking. I'm also not too sure what Craig and Bruno were thinking – they were utterly vile to poor Tony. We all knew he was woeful (we have eyes), but there was no need to stick the dance boot in quite so hard. Why not focus on the positives – he completed the dance! Let this be a lesson to all would-be entrants, DO NOT ADMIT TO HAVING NEVER WATCHED THE SHOW. Bruno's vanity cannot take it.
Sorry to sweepstaker Laura, who loses her pound, and farewell to Aliona - your attempt to bring back floral bermuda shorts was mercifully short-lived but at least you got a beach holiday out of it. And I did appreciate how she made the theme of their charleston 'I’ll throw in some Wii Golf and then I literally could not give a shit anymore - sure, Wardrobe, feel free to stick me in a Madge from Neighbours wig as I am done with this crapola’. Come the last dance, you almost couldn't see her for dust. I never thought I'd say this, but I have truly missed Natbot Lowe.
I wasn’t sure who Tony would face in the dance-off. James Jordan has too much experience and steely competitive spirit to guide Vanessa directly to elimination and Dave Hairy Biker was just too wonderful for my mind to even entertain a hint of the possibility that he might be for the chop. Mark, Deb and Fiona danced too well, so I suppose that only left Julien, who hilariously seemed to entirely misunderstand the very concept of a dance-off and was prematurely ejaculating his goodbyes at Tess before he’d even danced. And like the judges were going to pick Tony - even over Julien?! Ha!
I suppose the trouble with Julien's ker-azeballs tango (well, apart from the limited dance ability displayed by Mr Macdonald) was that there was just too much going on for a human brain to digest in one go, but it wasn't so good that anyone would want to go through that sensory overload more than once. The best I can offer is a list of words – feel free to imagine them shouted in a Welsh accent (I understand if you'd rather not): Thrones Candlelight Massive Banquet Table Julien Matador Chiffon Sleeves Shoulder Pads Crystals More Crystals Diamanté Trouser Spurs Again Some Crystals WWF WTF Champion Belt Pop Socks Broaches On Your Brogues Marie-Antoinette Jeanette Manrara ManRARA ¡MANRARA! Hot But Overpowdered The Video For Mr Vain Meets Can't Speak French Strictly Singers Gaga Drowned Cat My Ears My Ears.
Phew.
Anyway, it was inevitable – and Julien gets another chance to out-fablas Cher. Err good luck.
And now a break from Strictlycad tradition and a (rather boring) word about structure. Usually I blog the couples like this:
1. Loser
2. Dance off survivor
3. OMG whoever was totes the best
4. Sometimes two people were OMG totes the best so them too
5. 'Comedy' dance
And then it's basically bitchy sniding in order of Strictlycad whim, where I'll chat about whoever pops into my head next, before mopping up the rest and wondering which one I've inevitably forgotten. (Cue plug for Ultimate Strictly - an AMAZING WEBSITE, perfect for all your Strictly blogging needs.)
But, frankly, with fifteen couples in the mix, the usual blog whimsy structure is asking for trouble, teeth gnashing, hair pulling, tears and shouts of BUT WHICH BLOODY CELEB HAVE I MISSED FOR GAWD'S SAKE, I'VE EVEN REMEMBERED RACHEL GODDAMMIT. Therefore, discipline is needed. A system of sorts. So, kids *deep breath* I'm going to go chronological. If Tess can manage, I'm sure we can too. I might even use handy numbers! Revolutionary. Normal service will be resumed next week. Or maybe the week after. Or possibly when we're down to 12 couples, or never.
We begin with the Saturday preamble shamble: No Bruce, which means no awkward thigh grab. Bruce is ill, so we wish him a good recovery - I recommend lengthy, lengthy rest, and in fact, why not take next week off too Brucie? I’m happy for my licence fee to support your sick pay - for your own good, of course. The upshot is that wonderful Claudia's on subbing duties and looks ENTIRELY MARVELLOUS in a green and black dress of immaculate taste and hair so shiny Julien Macdonald will want a swatch to boost the reflective nature of his sequin collection. Even Tess has stepped up – sure, she's wearing a glittery floor-length wetlook bin bag, but her figure looks fantastic.
That's the housekeeping taken care of – let's get ready for some highly organised, number-based blogging!
Couple #1. Susanna Reid and her partner Kevin Clifton, dancing the tango. Susanna had an excellent mohican French plait and danced fiercely, but there was a major costume issue for me: an excess of ice white, a colour which has no place in a tango, ESPECIALLY not in stiletto form. The second disappointment was that Kev From Grimsby was not wearing his horn-rimmed glasses, which means I fancy him precisely not at all - whereas as soon as he puts them on, it's all HELLO, why Mr Clifton, with your spectacles on, I can totally understand why you've bagged Karen Hauer. It might seem like an odd trigger, but the Kev From Grimsby's Glasses Fetish is an Actual Thing, and I know because my Twitter timeline goes utterly mental when he puts his specs on. (I've even developed my own hashtag ‘#spexy’ and if you think *that's* excessive, someone's account got suspended this week for excessive use of the term 'sexglasses'. Resistance is futile, frankly.)
Couple #2. We've dealt with Poor Tony and Teflon Aliona. I propose we move on. No-one needs to be reminded.
Couple #3. From worst to (one of the) best (see, this is more or less how I'd blog it anyway, numbers schumbers!) with Natalie ‘Corrie’ Gumede and Artem's brilliant waltz. The production tried to shoehorn in some jeopardy by claiming that Natalie gets really dizzy in practice and MIGHT FALL DURING THE DANCE, but we all knew that she was going to nail it and lo, she did, with the first nines of the series. A deserved score too – mainly for the crazy sharp head whips she's nicked off Natbot. I hope the British public don't punish Natalie Gumede for being so good so soon. They can punish Artem for not wearing his Cossack Bootaloons though.
Couple #4. Dave Hairy Biker and his partner Karen Hauer. To be honest, I didn’t care what they did this week – I'm still buzzing from that cha cha (go on watch it again), which will most likely remain my dance of the series. Karen looked adorable in her fifties housewife chic (perfectly channelling Oona Chaplin from The Hour - a reference many of you may sadly miss, as it got cancelled, despite being the best drama the BBC had put out since State of Play, so booo to that). Dave, in an ivy green suit, was... well, sure, it wasn’t great from a technical perspective (limited natural rhythm and the lifts needed a bit of cranking), but the whole thing was still utterly joyful and brought a giggle to the face. Dave's effort and concentration is certainly admirable and so what if he had pan hands – there was a clear food theme.
NB: Sod kisses, I like my eggs in the morning fried.
Couple #5. Patrick Casualty and Anya. I wish I could fully get behind my sweepstakees, but there's just something lacking this week. Chemistry, perhaps? Though I appreciated the effort they both put into their training VT, fully committing to pretending they were having fun 'letting loose' at the club, when the whole thing was clearly filmed at 3pm with no access to the cocktail menu – there's only so much atmosphere a light-up dance floor can convey in and of itself. I couldn't really get on board with their sardine tin tango (or whatever that weird wind-up key thing was supposed to be), though Beat It was a better choice than I had feared. Also, I know Patrick is buff and all, but this is a family show - take it up a size, Wardrobe. No-one wants Casualty to have a chaffing incident to deal with.
Couple #6. Deborah Dragon and Robin Windsor. Oh Bobby, a cha cha to Respect? Not straying far from your comfort zone, are you, darling? Still, Deborah seemed to enjoy it and pulled it off pretty well, given the form that older women and latin dances have on this show. “That was H - O - T!” said Tess – or possibly, “H.R.T”, it's hard to tell with her track record. I love Robin, but do wonder why he keeps choreographing himself super fast spins that he doesn't always pull off balance-wise. Maybe it's to big up his celeb.
Couple #7. Rachel and Pasha. Wherein Pasha is dressed as a half peeled banana. Rachel seems a lovely girl, but there's no way she should have ended up above Fiona and Mark in the leaderboard, Pash or no Pash. Her salsa was a hot mess of ungainly limbs being flipped and some enforced bum shaking, all punctuated with a forced smile that screamed 'HELP HELP HELP HELP NO’. She did look good in her ginger fringing though. I suppose I should support a fellow Oxford University grad, but she didn’t demonstrate the sharpest mind in the pack by shouting “yay!” when Darcey gave her a 5 whilst the rest of the Tesspit stayed resolutely silent.
Couple #8. James Jordan and Feltz. Mr Cad was tiling our bathroom on Saturday night and managed to time his return to the living room the instant Feltz finished, so TEN for timing. As for Vanessa's waltz, it seemed that James had wisely choreographed a series of mini spins and 'running in hold' rather than any real waltz steps, but the main blatant vote-puller was choreographing a storyline which was basically: 'Vanessa learns to overcome the pain in her life by falling in love with the emotional power of dahhhhnce, but will she be so overcome that she'll break down in tears mid-dance, and possibly chalk some evocative emotional words on the dance-floor'. Feltz made it through tear-free, you'll be indifferent to hear. The best bit was Claudia saying “If Vanessa's waltz brought a tear to your eye – er, in a good way, call ...” and James Jordan taking genuine offence, ready to kick off, before remembering that the world LOVES Claudia and he'd be a fool to take her on, and forcing his sulk into a grimace-smile.
Couple #9. Our dance-off victors Julien Macdonald and Jeanette ¡Manrara! - already blogged, innit. By the way, bravo to Jeanette for making full use of the probs budget and getting a full length banquette table wheeled in. Props for props, you might say. Let’s move swiftly on, shall we?
Couple #10. Fiona Fullerton and Anton de Beke. And, incredibly, an Anton latin that didn't make me want to hurl a brick at the TV screen, in spite of his gamekeeper's tweed waistcoat – all the rage in the streets of Havana. (Not that I have a brick at hand during the show. The risk of using it is probably too high.) Fiona could have turned out a really strong performance if she hadn't messed it up at the end, which she happily signalled by sticking out her tongue and openly talking about it at the judges' bench. The judges were kind though – Darcey was very impressed by Fiona’s “triple spin into that plank”, to which, uncharacteristically, Anton did not react in the slightest – turns out that’s because he was dealing with a plank of his own. Yup, people, a deBekerection live on national TV. Why mention it? Cause I can't unsee it, so you're all going to have to suffer that particular eye bleach.
Couple #11. Mark Benton and Iveta Supersharpshooter. Mr Cad hasn't really seen much of Iveta and although he suggested she looks like an “anorexic hamster”, I think he's found a pro-dancer to replace Katya in his affections. He keeps repeating “I haff some exercises for you” and looking terrified yet delighted - apparently it's the way she “stands dead straight like a school marm/Bond villain”. Bless. Mark and Iveta's salsa wasn't really a salsa, but Mark has real potential I think. However, they must NEVER let his hair be styled into a greasy Bieber EVER AGAIN. That was awful! On the other hand, Iveta's cat eyes and tennis ball cheekbones were truly designed to be made up in that sixties way. She looked fabulous.
Couple #12. Sophie EB and Brendan Cole. WHAT a performance! From Sophie anyway – it really was an excellent charleston; Gatsby cool, perfectly suited to Sophie’s slightly awkward Bambi giraffe style. AND she looked incredible in that spangly playsuit – truly incredible when you remember that the laws of human nature dictate that no mortal being looks good in a playsuit, spangly or otherwise. The only downside – Brendan, and his disturbing insistence on choreographing several lifts which involved face to crotch or crotch to face. I suspect that’s why he's been barred from charlestonning until now.
Couple #13. Ben Rugby Cohen and Kristina, and their waltz – it's still the Colin Salmon height problem, only with added gun and chest muscle to get your arms around. (No complaints, though, AMIRIGHT?) It was a fine but forgettable romance-by-numbers waltz: candlelight – check, fouffy skirt – check, man torso too stacked to get a jacket round – check.
The real bombshell was Tessa (if that's what Dave calls her, that's what I shall call her) announcing that next week is Love Week – what the ACTUAL WHAT?!?! A theme - that's not even a real theme – already?!!! My Twitter timeline broke down in apoplectic rage and quite right too. Not happy.
Couple #14. Abbey Clancy and Aljaz ‘Ally-ash’ Skorjanec doing the cha cha – in which Ally-ash was forced to wear a hideous shirt of pink and sick green polyester and his nipples did all they could to escape the dance-floor, such was their embarrassment at being associated with that shirt. Abbey was good again - with those pins and that stomach it's hard to look bad - but she still had a James Jordan sulkathon at the end, thinking she'd messed up. I’m not warming to her, if I’m honest, but I remain bedazzled by the Team Abbjaz's ridonkulous beauty. So much so that I just used the word 'ridonkulous'. I do apologise.
Couple #15. ATD and Ola doing an American Smooth. In case you hadn't heard (YOU HAD), Ashley had a baby this week – and whilst the adorbs factor will garner some votes, I’d guess that one section of society will not be phoning in to vote for Ashley: new Mums, all imagining how pleased they'd be if their husband eschewed paternity leave and pissed off to dance with Ola Jordan whilst they had to stay home alone and deal with a gorgeous but entirely helpless being requiring constant help, even with the very few things it can actually manage: namely pooing, feeding and sleeping, ALL WHILE HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE REPERCUSSIONS OF JUST HAVING HAD TO PUSH SAID TINY HUMAN OUT OF THEIR VAGINAS. So well done ATD – you done a dance on national TV. But your wife done a birth. She wins.
AND LO WE HAVE MADE IT TO THE END! Well of Saturday. I can jack the numbers. Yessss!
My main notes from Sunday are: OH MY GOD PRO-DANCE!!! That was a CRACKER. Sure it lacked bootaloons, but Artem’s outfit was still highly special. Chiffon shirt, slit to the navel, yadda yadda, seen that before, but then HELLO RED WONDERBRACES! Like a manly push up bra – hoiking the chesticles up and over. Ridiculous, of course, but eye-catching nonetheless. Also eye-catching, those ball-poppingly snug trousers. Mercy! We also got a better sense of the pro-pairings – Artem and Jeanette Manrararararararararara, Aljaz and Iveta (which is definite wife-swapping, seeing as Jeanette and Aljaz are an item), Pash and Anya, Kev and Karen, and then the usual suspects, with Anton on a lonely limb. (I suspect there will be a ballroom reshuffle when the du Beke services are required for some snoozesome foxtrotting, but how merciful to be saved from Anton in chiffon and braces for now.) It was a frenzied and energetic performance, with lady legs and hair extensions flying all over the shop. Ace stuff.
On the #tessmessdress front Claudia’s obviously having a good influence on la Daly, who looked fine enough in a black and white tube dress. Sadly, the same cannot quite be extended back, as Claude was in a jumpsuit. The best I can offer is that, as jumpsuits go, it actually looked ok, and the shoulder detail was charming. But but but... why not just make it a dress?
In other news, Matt Goss performed a highly enjoyable swing version of When Will I Be Famous, which was... unexpected. (Let’s see if Harry Styles turns up on Series 43 of Strictly Come Dancing to do a crooner cover of What Makes You Beautiful.) It also struck me that ‘the yoot’ won't have a clue who or what Bros might be, and will think it's pronounced to rhyme with ‘hoes’ or ‘clothes’, as if it were a line in a Budweiser commerical ("Dudes!" "Bros!"). Ah well.
By the way, if you’re wondering what happened to twinny Luke, fear not, as he’s a Hollywood actor now (of course he is?!?!) and a successful one at that - Wikipedia tells me that “he won the Ultimate Badass Award at the PollyGrind Film Festival for his role in the zombie-vampire film The Dead Undead”. Fancy. ALSO – and this is the beauty/danger of Wikipedia, I learn that Craig Logan co-managed Pink and Matt Goss has authored a children's book called “Bear Crimbo”. Who knew?!
I fear we’ve gone off topic. Let’s leave it there, before I start to tell you what Let Loose are up to these days. Brace yourselves for Love Eggs Week next Saturday and the return of Bruce to 'run' the show. In the meantime feel free to keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep Wikipediaing!
Sorry to sweepstaker Laura, who loses her pound, and farewell to Aliona - your attempt to bring back floral bermuda shorts was mercifully short-lived but at least you got a beach holiday out of it. And I did appreciate how she made the theme of their charleston 'I’ll throw in some Wii Golf and then I literally could not give a shit anymore - sure, Wardrobe, feel free to stick me in a Madge from Neighbours wig as I am done with this crapola’. Come the last dance, you almost couldn't see her for dust. I never thought I'd say this, but I have truly missed Natbot Lowe.
I wasn’t sure who Tony would face in the dance-off. James Jordan has too much experience and steely competitive spirit to guide Vanessa directly to elimination and Dave Hairy Biker was just too wonderful for my mind to even entertain a hint of the possibility that he might be for the chop. Mark, Deb and Fiona danced too well, so I suppose that only left Julien, who hilariously seemed to entirely misunderstand the very concept of a dance-off and was prematurely ejaculating his goodbyes at Tess before he’d even danced. And like the judges were going to pick Tony - even over Julien?! Ha!
I suppose the trouble with Julien's ker-azeballs tango (well, apart from the limited dance ability displayed by Mr Macdonald) was that there was just too much going on for a human brain to digest in one go, but it wasn't so good that anyone would want to go through that sensory overload more than once. The best I can offer is a list of words – feel free to imagine them shouted in a Welsh accent (I understand if you'd rather not): Thrones Candlelight Massive Banquet Table Julien Matador Chiffon Sleeves Shoulder Pads Crystals More Crystals Diamanté Trouser Spurs Again Some Crystals WWF WTF Champion Belt Pop Socks Broaches On Your Brogues Marie-Antoinette Jeanette Manrara ManRARA ¡MANRARA! Hot But Overpowdered The Video For Mr Vain Meets Can't Speak French Strictly Singers Gaga Drowned Cat My Ears My Ears.
Phew.
Anyway, it was inevitable – and Julien gets another chance to out-fablas Cher. Err good luck.
And now a break from Strictlycad tradition and a (rather boring) word about structure. Usually I blog the couples like this:
1. Loser
2. Dance off survivor
3. OMG whoever was totes the best
4. Sometimes two people were OMG totes the best so them too
5. 'Comedy' dance
And then it's basically bitchy sniding in order of Strictlycad whim, where I'll chat about whoever pops into my head next, before mopping up the rest and wondering which one I've inevitably forgotten. (Cue plug for Ultimate Strictly - an AMAZING WEBSITE, perfect for all your Strictly blogging needs.)
But, frankly, with fifteen couples in the mix, the usual blog whimsy structure is asking for trouble, teeth gnashing, hair pulling, tears and shouts of BUT WHICH BLOODY CELEB HAVE I MISSED FOR GAWD'S SAKE, I'VE EVEN REMEMBERED RACHEL GODDAMMIT. Therefore, discipline is needed. A system of sorts. So, kids *deep breath* I'm going to go chronological. If Tess can manage, I'm sure we can too. I might even use handy numbers! Revolutionary. Normal service will be resumed next week. Or maybe the week after. Or possibly when we're down to 12 couples, or never.
We begin with the Saturday preamble shamble: No Bruce, which means no awkward thigh grab. Bruce is ill, so we wish him a good recovery - I recommend lengthy, lengthy rest, and in fact, why not take next week off too Brucie? I’m happy for my licence fee to support your sick pay - for your own good, of course. The upshot is that wonderful Claudia's on subbing duties and looks ENTIRELY MARVELLOUS in a green and black dress of immaculate taste and hair so shiny Julien Macdonald will want a swatch to boost the reflective nature of his sequin collection. Even Tess has stepped up – sure, she's wearing a glittery floor-length wetlook bin bag, but her figure looks fantastic.
That's the housekeeping taken care of – let's get ready for some highly organised, number-based blogging!
Couple #1. Susanna Reid and her partner Kevin Clifton, dancing the tango. Susanna had an excellent mohican French plait and danced fiercely, but there was a major costume issue for me: an excess of ice white, a colour which has no place in a tango, ESPECIALLY not in stiletto form. The second disappointment was that Kev From Grimsby was not wearing his horn-rimmed glasses, which means I fancy him precisely not at all - whereas as soon as he puts them on, it's all HELLO, why Mr Clifton, with your spectacles on, I can totally understand why you've bagged Karen Hauer. It might seem like an odd trigger, but the Kev From Grimsby's Glasses Fetish is an Actual Thing, and I know because my Twitter timeline goes utterly mental when he puts his specs on. (I've even developed my own hashtag ‘#spexy’ and if you think *that's* excessive, someone's account got suspended this week for excessive use of the term 'sexglasses'. Resistance is futile, frankly.)
Couple #2. We've dealt with Poor Tony and Teflon Aliona. I propose we move on. No-one needs to be reminded.
Couple #3. From worst to (one of the) best (see, this is more or less how I'd blog it anyway, numbers schumbers!) with Natalie ‘Corrie’ Gumede and Artem's brilliant waltz. The production tried to shoehorn in some jeopardy by claiming that Natalie gets really dizzy in practice and MIGHT FALL DURING THE DANCE, but we all knew that she was going to nail it and lo, she did, with the first nines of the series. A deserved score too – mainly for the crazy sharp head whips she's nicked off Natbot. I hope the British public don't punish Natalie Gumede for being so good so soon. They can punish Artem for not wearing his Cossack Bootaloons though.
Couple #4. Dave Hairy Biker and his partner Karen Hauer. To be honest, I didn’t care what they did this week – I'm still buzzing from that cha cha (go on watch it again), which will most likely remain my dance of the series. Karen looked adorable in her fifties housewife chic (perfectly channelling Oona Chaplin from The Hour - a reference many of you may sadly miss, as it got cancelled, despite being the best drama the BBC had put out since State of Play, so booo to that). Dave, in an ivy green suit, was... well, sure, it wasn’t great from a technical perspective (limited natural rhythm and the lifts needed a bit of cranking), but the whole thing was still utterly joyful and brought a giggle to the face. Dave's effort and concentration is certainly admirable and so what if he had pan hands – there was a clear food theme.
NB: Sod kisses, I like my eggs in the morning fried.
Couple #5. Patrick Casualty and Anya. I wish I could fully get behind my sweepstakees, but there's just something lacking this week. Chemistry, perhaps? Though I appreciated the effort they both put into their training VT, fully committing to pretending they were having fun 'letting loose' at the club, when the whole thing was clearly filmed at 3pm with no access to the cocktail menu – there's only so much atmosphere a light-up dance floor can convey in and of itself. I couldn't really get on board with their sardine tin tango (or whatever that weird wind-up key thing was supposed to be), though Beat It was a better choice than I had feared. Also, I know Patrick is buff and all, but this is a family show - take it up a size, Wardrobe. No-one wants Casualty to have a chaffing incident to deal with.
Couple #6. Deborah Dragon and Robin Windsor. Oh Bobby, a cha cha to Respect? Not straying far from your comfort zone, are you, darling? Still, Deborah seemed to enjoy it and pulled it off pretty well, given the form that older women and latin dances have on this show. “That was H - O - T!” said Tess – or possibly, “H.R.T”, it's hard to tell with her track record. I love Robin, but do wonder why he keeps choreographing himself super fast spins that he doesn't always pull off balance-wise. Maybe it's to big up his celeb.
Couple #7. Rachel and Pasha. Wherein Pasha is dressed as a half peeled banana. Rachel seems a lovely girl, but there's no way she should have ended up above Fiona and Mark in the leaderboard, Pash or no Pash. Her salsa was a hot mess of ungainly limbs being flipped and some enforced bum shaking, all punctuated with a forced smile that screamed 'HELP HELP HELP HELP NO’. She did look good in her ginger fringing though. I suppose I should support a fellow Oxford University grad, but she didn’t demonstrate the sharpest mind in the pack by shouting “yay!” when Darcey gave her a 5 whilst the rest of the Tesspit stayed resolutely silent.
Couple #8. James Jordan and Feltz. Mr Cad was tiling our bathroom on Saturday night and managed to time his return to the living room the instant Feltz finished, so TEN for timing. As for Vanessa's waltz, it seemed that James had wisely choreographed a series of mini spins and 'running in hold' rather than any real waltz steps, but the main blatant vote-puller was choreographing a storyline which was basically: 'Vanessa learns to overcome the pain in her life by falling in love with the emotional power of dahhhhnce, but will she be so overcome that she'll break down in tears mid-dance, and possibly chalk some evocative emotional words on the dance-floor'. Feltz made it through tear-free, you'll be indifferent to hear. The best bit was Claudia saying “If Vanessa's waltz brought a tear to your eye – er, in a good way, call ...” and James Jordan taking genuine offence, ready to kick off, before remembering that the world LOVES Claudia and he'd be a fool to take her on, and forcing his sulk into a grimace-smile.
Couple #9. Our dance-off victors Julien Macdonald and Jeanette ¡Manrara! - already blogged, innit. By the way, bravo to Jeanette for making full use of the probs budget and getting a full length banquette table wheeled in. Props for props, you might say. Let’s move swiftly on, shall we?
Couple #10. Fiona Fullerton and Anton de Beke. And, incredibly, an Anton latin that didn't make me want to hurl a brick at the TV screen, in spite of his gamekeeper's tweed waistcoat – all the rage in the streets of Havana. (Not that I have a brick at hand during the show. The risk of using it is probably too high.) Fiona could have turned out a really strong performance if she hadn't messed it up at the end, which she happily signalled by sticking out her tongue and openly talking about it at the judges' bench. The judges were kind though – Darcey was very impressed by Fiona’s “triple spin into that plank”, to which, uncharacteristically, Anton did not react in the slightest – turns out that’s because he was dealing with a plank of his own. Yup, people, a deBekerection live on national TV. Why mention it? Cause I can't unsee it, so you're all going to have to suffer that particular eye bleach.
Couple #11. Mark Benton and Iveta Supersharpshooter. Mr Cad hasn't really seen much of Iveta and although he suggested she looks like an “anorexic hamster”, I think he's found a pro-dancer to replace Katya in his affections. He keeps repeating “I haff some exercises for you” and looking terrified yet delighted - apparently it's the way she “stands dead straight like a school marm/Bond villain”. Bless. Mark and Iveta's salsa wasn't really a salsa, but Mark has real potential I think. However, they must NEVER let his hair be styled into a greasy Bieber EVER AGAIN. That was awful! On the other hand, Iveta's cat eyes and tennis ball cheekbones were truly designed to be made up in that sixties way. She looked fabulous.
Couple #12. Sophie EB and Brendan Cole. WHAT a performance! From Sophie anyway – it really was an excellent charleston; Gatsby cool, perfectly suited to Sophie’s slightly awkward Bambi giraffe style. AND she looked incredible in that spangly playsuit – truly incredible when you remember that the laws of human nature dictate that no mortal being looks good in a playsuit, spangly or otherwise. The only downside – Brendan, and his disturbing insistence on choreographing several lifts which involved face to crotch or crotch to face. I suspect that’s why he's been barred from charlestonning until now.
Couple #13. Ben Rugby Cohen and Kristina, and their waltz – it's still the Colin Salmon height problem, only with added gun and chest muscle to get your arms around. (No complaints, though, AMIRIGHT?) It was a fine but forgettable romance-by-numbers waltz: candlelight – check, fouffy skirt – check, man torso too stacked to get a jacket round – check.
The real bombshell was Tessa (if that's what Dave calls her, that's what I shall call her) announcing that next week is Love Week – what the ACTUAL WHAT?!?! A theme - that's not even a real theme – already?!!! My Twitter timeline broke down in apoplectic rage and quite right too. Not happy.
Couple #14. Abbey Clancy and Aljaz ‘Ally-ash’ Skorjanec doing the cha cha – in which Ally-ash was forced to wear a hideous shirt of pink and sick green polyester and his nipples did all they could to escape the dance-floor, such was their embarrassment at being associated with that shirt. Abbey was good again - with those pins and that stomach it's hard to look bad - but she still had a James Jordan sulkathon at the end, thinking she'd messed up. I’m not warming to her, if I’m honest, but I remain bedazzled by the Team Abbjaz's ridonkulous beauty. So much so that I just used the word 'ridonkulous'. I do apologise.
Couple #15. ATD and Ola doing an American Smooth. In case you hadn't heard (YOU HAD), Ashley had a baby this week – and whilst the adorbs factor will garner some votes, I’d guess that one section of society will not be phoning in to vote for Ashley: new Mums, all imagining how pleased they'd be if their husband eschewed paternity leave and pissed off to dance with Ola Jordan whilst they had to stay home alone and deal with a gorgeous but entirely helpless being requiring constant help, even with the very few things it can actually manage: namely pooing, feeding and sleeping, ALL WHILE HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE REPERCUSSIONS OF JUST HAVING HAD TO PUSH SAID TINY HUMAN OUT OF THEIR VAGINAS. So well done ATD – you done a dance on national TV. But your wife done a birth. She wins.
AND LO WE HAVE MADE IT TO THE END! Well of Saturday. I can jack the numbers. Yessss!
My main notes from Sunday are: OH MY GOD PRO-DANCE!!! That was a CRACKER. Sure it lacked bootaloons, but Artem’s outfit was still highly special. Chiffon shirt, slit to the navel, yadda yadda, seen that before, but then HELLO RED WONDERBRACES! Like a manly push up bra – hoiking the chesticles up and over. Ridiculous, of course, but eye-catching nonetheless. Also eye-catching, those ball-poppingly snug trousers. Mercy! We also got a better sense of the pro-pairings – Artem and Jeanette Manrararararararararara, Aljaz and Iveta (which is definite wife-swapping, seeing as Jeanette and Aljaz are an item), Pash and Anya, Kev and Karen, and then the usual suspects, with Anton on a lonely limb. (I suspect there will be a ballroom reshuffle when the du Beke services are required for some snoozesome foxtrotting, but how merciful to be saved from Anton in chiffon and braces for now.) It was a frenzied and energetic performance, with lady legs and hair extensions flying all over the shop. Ace stuff.
On the #tessmessdress front Claudia’s obviously having a good influence on la Daly, who looked fine enough in a black and white tube dress. Sadly, the same cannot quite be extended back, as Claude was in a jumpsuit. The best I can offer is that, as jumpsuits go, it actually looked ok, and the shoulder detail was charming. But but but... why not just make it a dress?
In other news, Matt Goss performed a highly enjoyable swing version of When Will I Be Famous, which was... unexpected. (Let’s see if Harry Styles turns up on Series 43 of Strictly Come Dancing to do a crooner cover of What Makes You Beautiful.) It also struck me that ‘the yoot’ won't have a clue who or what Bros might be, and will think it's pronounced to rhyme with ‘hoes’ or ‘clothes’, as if it were a line in a Budweiser commerical ("Dudes!" "Bros!"). Ah well.
By the way, if you’re wondering what happened to twinny Luke, fear not, as he’s a Hollywood actor now (of course he is?!?!) and a successful one at that - Wikipedia tells me that “he won the Ultimate Badass Award at the PollyGrind Film Festival for his role in the zombie-vampire film The Dead Undead”. Fancy. ALSO – and this is the beauty/danger of Wikipedia, I learn that Craig Logan co-managed Pink and Matt Goss has authored a children's book called “Bear Crimbo”. Who knew?!
I fear we’ve gone off topic. Let’s leave it there, before I start to tell you what Let Loose are up to these days. Brace yourselves for Love Eggs Week next Saturday and the return of Bruce to 'run' the show. In the meantime feel free to keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep Wikipediaing!
Let Loose! I totally had a crush on those boys way back before I had my eyes lasered. Did I mention that I can see?
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