Series 10 - Week 2

And so, to totally misquote The Smiths, for Aliona and Johnny, it was over before it even began. *sigh* Poor Aliona must be soooooooo disappointed that her only Strictly appearances this year will be high octane, super impressive pro-dances with Pasha and that she won't be able to demonstrate her full range of plonking both young AND old men in the middle of the dance floor and dancing around them wildly screaming LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEEE through the medium of ballroom. At least she can take comfort that she and Johnny still have the contractually obligated couples' procession/two second solo in the final to look forward to - if her ankle bears up then, of course...

Whilst Johnny seemed like a nice old man, if slightly too prone to gurning, I can't say I'm too upset to see him leave at this stage of a DANCE competition. I am quite sad that Iveta is leaving though – I was warming to her Lithuanian twist on the array of Soviet accents and she seemed genuinely sweet (as opposed to Natbot pre-programmed-faux-sweet), with some possible mild bonkers brewing – for example, she looked stunned that they were in the dance-off.  Errr...?  Good bye Iveta – and just when make up had worked out how to make you look less like a skeletal cat.

As for Johnny's opponent, well, what did the judges expect would happen when they told Erin she needed to up her gay? The TV audience might not have been into it, but I thought the Arnold-Boag flower-powered Love Shack cha cha was awesome and I openly 'lol'ed from beginning to end. I loved it all - There's Something About Richard's Quiff, the matching floral boobs and paunch, and - especially - the best use of moth-eaten curtains since Maria's illicit makeover of the Von Trapp children. The judges destroyed it, but it was Classic Erin Comedy Genious. LONG MAY SHE REIGN.

More surprising, however, was the Natbot Comedy Genious! It's possible that her jive with Michael Vaughan actually made me chuckle more than the Erin/Richard performance. Yes, I have eyes – I realise it was woeful, but it was so woeful that we actually saw Natbot break through the competitive barrier and break on through to the other side.  It suddenly hit her that she really could just piss about and have a laugh and THAT WAS OK... And the audience might even love it more!!!  Cue revolutionary explosion, her mainframe duly cross-circuited and BAM – iNatbot. She became a sentient mortal being – even human. Who'd have thought?

Whether I will like iNatbot longer term remains to be seen, but I'm certainly handing her special Strictlycad points for the bonkers disco hoedown theme. Clearly Aliona's passed the crazeballs choreography pills to Natalie, and she's hoovered them down - “so, I need to kill a few seconds, as Richard can't dance, so what random scenario can I shoehorn into the opening bars to delay the dancing... Hmmmm... I know!!! My song's about DIY and house repairs, so I'll give Richard A CARDBOARD AXE to swing about!”

Did it work? Well, durrrr – of course not, so Natalie also did her best to distract the audience away from watching Richard by donning teeny sequinned denim hotpants, gingham farm-bra and glitter bolero – but the ghetto-fabulous cowgirl act was never going to draw our eye away from the hilarity of wild manjive flailing, complete with bootylicious "hanging basket" bum and kicks and flicks manically thrown out with no discernible respect for timing, the routine or dance in general.  Mr Cad's sole comment was “Ain't got time to fix the shingle? He dances like he has some”. Well, for me that was the joy. Hooray that Michael Vaughan survives to camply stick his bum out through another latin.

Whilst we're talking about the, er, weaker performances, how about a quick word on Nicky Westlife, who seemed to forgo any attempt at cha cha and ended up doing some self-conscious clubbing – not good. He later claimed he couldn't hear the music - if that was the case, then (sorry Dave Arch) he was one of the lucky ones. It seems Taio Cruz is a bit of a stretch for our vocalists...

Dance partner Karen seems nice enough, but she's still got A LOT to learn about Strictly UK style. Only go modern if you're prepared to be weirdly conceptual, else not even Craig will like it. However, kudos for a brave, if futile attempt at standing up to wardrobe - clearly after she saw the playback of the way that yellow loo roll dress 'sat' around the chest area (epic boob squash), she requested push up.  She was rewarded with sweat mesh, a Billy Idol leotard and ungainly lady fringing.

Aha! We appear to be on the subject of dodgy outfits already... So time for TessDressMessAssess, obviously. Firstly, as I MAY have said ONCE OR TWICE OR A BILLION TIMES BEFORE, there is NOTHING WRONG in going up a size - to eradicate, for example, mild to severe pot belly. This applies all the more when you’re wearing your favourite black spanks as evening outerwear, with nothing over the top to soften the effects – a black chiffon curtain sprouting from your garden area will not provide a sufficient distraction. But I still think that Saturday's Tess Sexy Goth was somehow better than Sunday’s lumpy purple halter neck, with fuchsia lightning bolts emanating from the Daly belly button. Mr Cad likened her to an electrified disco totem pole.

I do have a new theory about her outfits though – it's all about repulsing Bruce, so he doesn't get too handsy. Ten series in, it's finally working! They've swapped the thigh grab for a double fist pump.

One more dress mess – Darcey's Saturday earrings. What the WHAT? Why marry such an elegant NECKLINE, YAH, with an over hair-sprayed high PONY, YAH, and a couple of outsized polos dipped in GLITTER PAINT, YAH?  Just, NO, YAH?

Actually, this week Darcey toned down the yahs (yah), which I was surprised to find I missed (yah), as it turns out I quite liked them (yah) - not least as they form the basis of the most drunken TV drinking game since the Question Time Drinking Game (and a shot when an audience member slags the EU, yah).

But shall we move on from fashion bitchery and shimmy over to the two salsa couples this week? Dani Harmer was MUCH improved – both on likeability and danceability. Despite one highly messy lift, clearly inspired by a WWF wrestling smackdown (and which the producers kindly used as her ungainly recap shot), I really enjoyed Vinthent and Dani's Mama Do The Hump and it was good to see seamless armography so early on, when the norm is usually an embarrassing arm tangle.

By contrast, Sid and Ola's salsa was low on armography and high on, well Ola’s minimal outfit really.  (Someone's making the most of an Aliona-less show and she doesn't even need her catsuit...) This week she had decided to dress her crotch with the frilly offshoots of the Erin/Richard curtain costumes and match that with a belly dancer's wonderbra, mainly decorated with old chocolate coin foil.  It was probably for the best that all eyes were on Ola, as Ricky was wearing a glittery bowling shirt the colour of sweat stains, so that wasn't a sartorial highpoint. There was a bit of dad dancing to his salsa, sure, but it was highly enjoyable, even the tribal fist'n'thrust – they will certainly be here til Wembley.

Shall we take a turn towards the Viennese waltzes? Four of them this week and they fared ok, if uninterestingly (a waltz, uninteresting? SHOCKING). Colin and Kristina battled their chronic height difference valiantly, but ballroom is going to be a challenge – she can't actually reach his shoulder.   Apparently, there's also a second challenge - dressing Colin decently; those lengthy beige slacks were doing little to catch his Salmon...

Wardrobe weren't much kinder to poor Fern – given her well documented weight loss, it seemed harsh that they'd put her in low waisted scarlet, with an emphasis on the midriff. At least her hair looked great. As for Team Fartem's Viennese waltz... nondescript, but certainly not bad. And we also got the teeniest Artem eyebrow raise and sense of emotion as he defended his use of waftography!  Why so lively and awake our Artem? Maybe his dealer was out of town this week.

For me, the best VW was a toss up between Louis and Lisa, which is a sentence potentially full of filthy innuendo that I pray you will ignore. Louis and his Mr Tickle arms were very elegant, but he still hasn't quite worked out his best dance face - this week was very 'ignore the fart smells and try smiling', which I suppose was still an improvement on last week’s 'Pommel Horse Olympic Concentration'.  Mind you, it’s likely that his face was a bit weird as he was using all his force to surpress the anger that the song Puppy Love inspires in all normal people – Puppy Kill would be a much more apt title. Seriously, Flavs – were all the other 3/4s gone?

I’m also going to have to add Louis to the official Awful Hair List – way too much side bald. Whoever is styling the Pasha and Louis follicles deserves to be locked in a room and forced to listen to the Osmonds on repeat until they learn the errors of their hairdressing ways.

The producers saved Lisa's Viennese Waltz til last, to up the ante, I think, after her cha cha triumph.  And I'd imagine we all approached her performance with some trepidation - Chubba could cha cha, but could she waltz?  Well, yes, she could, mostly, although her hold looked a little uncomfortable and there were moments where she looked rather crazed (I think the blood had rushed to her head and she was thinking “weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, this is faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast and I'm feeling dizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzy”), but she still had lovely flourishes.  I fear that each week they're going to put her on last, so we spend the show wondering how she'll fare and whether it will all go a bit Russell Grant this time – I truly hope that each week, she shows us that, actually, she can handle the new dance perfectly well, thank you very much.

Over in Foxtrot corner, the judges were kind to Victoria – a bit too kind, perhaps.  Yes, her ballroom was miles better than her cha cha, but HELLO?!? I'm not sure what she could have done to make it worse, short of freaking out, slapping Brendan/Bruce/Tess and running out screaming (actually, that would have been BRILLIANT!!!). Brendan, like Anton, is old school, and the old school approach to the early weeks of ballroom remains standard – if she can't keep up, hold tight and start shunting. This seemed to suit the Pendles, happy to remain refuged in Brendan's arms – but the dance stabilisers (BIKE REF ALERT HONK) won't be there every week.

If I'm honest, there was a bit of grab and shunt from the other Foxtrotters too – Jerry and Anton is no surprise, but Kimberley also had a few struggles – though we do have to allow for the inevitable errors brought on by the feelings of revulsion inspired by Pasha's New Hair.

Fashion-wise, foxtrot was definitely this week's Queen of Dance - what utterly GORGEOUS foxtrot dresses and earrings; both Kimba and Jerry looked amazing. With Kimbles, that was more than enough to distract from her, erm, trickier moments, with Jerry... well... I'd like to say she tried her best, but the reality is that she tried as much as she could be arsed, which wasn't that much, but was probably more than last week. But sod it, I'm still Team Jerry, if only for her drawl. And we mustn't forget that it's ANTON 'teaching' her, so she is starting from a major disadvantage.

Who's left? Well I've saved the best til last - D.V.O. Herself.  (Ignores the cries of 'FIX'. Again.)  I really hope it's not just sweepstake bias talking, but frankly I thought Denise was robbed with four 8s - she was BLOODY MAGNIFICENT and in a later week that would have been a shower of 9s and, yes, I’ll say it - 10s.  I know there's been mucho grumbling about how it's not fair to have trained dancers on, but if that's what we get to see in WEEK 2, then bring 'em on, say I - I'm perfectly happy to watch quality dancing this early on. It was a brilliant jive, full of sass and confidence and no real sign of the mooted whiplash – the power of paracetamol, eh?

And Craig got a couple of snogs out of it.

However, my personal dance highlight was Sunday's pro-dance - West Side Strictly.  Gang violence in dance form.  Ballroom Jets and Latin Sharks in an almighty teadance rumble, with Kristina and Tony Beak playing the star crossed  loverrrrs. (AMAZING acting from Ms Rihanoff - her ability not to openly gag when Anton stroked her... well, she deserves an Oscar.)  

I thought it was proper mega – one of my Top 5s, I'd say. So much to love - the partner swapping and hilarious fronting (not least from Kristina, with her rather raunchy sheer top and flesh-coloured bra); Brendan wearing a chef's outfit; Erin getting the neck rub OF HER LIFE from lovely Robin; and, of course, good old Natalie typically last to get into position in the closing tableau, so all eyes are ON HER.

Scariest bitch face in the dance rumble: 1. Erin. 2. Ola. 3. iNatbot.

Least scariest bitch face in the dance rumble: Vinthent. 

Most missed scariest bitch face: Katya.  (BOOOOOO.) 

Still awesome though.

So I think that's more or less it, no? Oh – we mustn't forget to extend a welcome back to lovely Claudia (even if I am still very very very sad that she's not It Takes Two-ing anymore – Zoe is great, but Claudia was IMMENSE)

I was also transfixed by whatever it was the Scissors Sisters were doing. There's sometimes a fine line between genius and ragged old shit, and I'm wasn't quite sure which this was at first, but I've now watched it a few times and the verdict is this – I wanna have a kiki.

Next week: Hollywood week. Jerry will be 'dancing' a quickstep to Mrs Robinson. Brace yourselves people.  Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeep hoping.