Series 10 – Week 1 – Show 2

Well that was a bit more like it!  More exciting, better standard, and a number of good performances from some unexpected areas.  Also, a opening PRO DANCE, which incorporated so many great Strictly things: the Simone eye brow, Dave Arch on solo synth, a Rihanoff-Loweoff diva off (Team Kristina), a fantastic lift sequence from Robin and Kristina (aeroplane on shoulder to legs akimbo in a V behind the head to being flipped overhead back down the Windsor front), a classic Jordans' spin (Ola balanced on James' neck – LOOK MUM NO HANDS!), super cool shimmy dresses, mercifully limited du Beke, all of which culminated in some good old partner swapping, where Ola took one for the team and let Anton do the Dell'Olio head to floor drop, whilst Vinthent somehow, SOMEHOW, didn't look utterly ridiculous dancing with the comparatively lofty Natalie.  Brendan also showed how welcoming everyone's being to the new girl by slapping Karen's thigh as she sat on his shoulder, much like you'd pet a Labrador.

Question du jour - will Tess make it to Bruce's arms in time for the cocked leg tonight?  Well, HOLD THE FRONT PAGE, they've only gone and scrapped it!  Yessss!  And I highly approve of what we get instead – a good old double fist pump.  It’s only taken Tess ten years to get out of that extra close hold – which tells you rather a lot about male power at the Beeb...  (Oh yes – Strictlycad - not afraid to tackle gender politics HEAD ON.)

But, more importantly, do I approve of TessDressMess tonight?  Well the design, a white swimming costume mullet dress - the kind of thing an obsessed tennis fan might wear to get married - is not for me.  I'd take some pinking sheers to the party at the back, for starters.   HOWEVER - and hallelujah!!! – tonight we are blessed with perky, correctly positioned boobs and no middle age spread mirage.  Finally we see the Daly figure as it is - perhaps with spanx, but she's only human.  Well done Tess!  

She's not wearing the best vest though – that's Robin.  We will dwell on that MARVEL later.

The first victims are Kimberley Walsh and Pasha's Terrible Hair.  In a surprising move, her rehearsal VT has already called on another Girl Aloud to lend support (surely they'd be wise to save that until week 5 or 6), although it's not Cheryl, so perhaps they don't think it counts.  Well, to me, it counts, because the peerless Nicola Roberts is by far my favourite GA, mainly for her work in experimental fashion and for producing a number of storming solo pop tunes.  Today Nicola is dressed in a fluorescent lime woolly jumper, tweed band uniform leggings and super dangling earrings – the love twins of a Dynasty curtain tie and a Native American friendship bracelet.  She is a goddess - may she dance the next series with Robin Windsor and all my ludicrous fashion dreams will come true.  Though it seems unlikely, seeing as when Kimba suggested Nicola have a go, she rolled her eyes in withering horror.  Though that might have been a completely understandable reaction to Pasha’s hair.

Oh yes, Kimba’s cha cha!  Good, as expected and I'm looking forward to seeing what she and Pasha's hair offer in due course - I think Ben's £1 will be in with a chance for a good old while, if not all the way.  Len calls her “nimble Kimble” - Pasha looks utterly flummoxed and has no idea whether this is good or not.  No-one bothers to explain, so he just rollicks on in his usual smiley way – he had plenty of practice of not understanding anything last year with Chelseh. 

During the judging Darcey forgets to raise her PADDLE YAR, for a good view SECONDS YAR, until Craig kicks her from under the TABLE, well, PROBABLY, YAR.

Sid 'RICKAAAAAY' Owen and Ola Jordan are up next.  He reminisces about how sexually aroused, I mean, thrilled he was when Ola was announced as his partner, before revealing that he's now changed his mind about the Jordan charms.  Like many before him, all he saw was peachy sex appeal and that midriff, before BAM!! – Venus Ola Trap.  Welcome to Ola Jordan Booty Camp, with Drill Sergeant Jordan ready to shriek at grown men until they cry or dance or both.  It seems, however, that it's a system that can work very well, as Ricky (plus brylcreemed hair, to show how SERIOUS he is) waltzes rather well, keeping his booty camp and shoulders in check and certainly turning out a far better attempt than Michael Cricket or Nicky Westlife. 

Meanwhile, Ola has somehow managed to find the world's most naked waltz dress – she’s carefully wrapped a washing line of dust cloths around her body, which cover the main key areas, but also offer an advantageous number of peeks at the Ola tum as she twirls around. 

The judges are pleased with the Rickaaaay waltz and Bruno admits he was pleasantly surprised by Sid's “erection”.  He then takes great offence at the audience thinking he was making a penis reference, when he was oh so clearly intended talking about his posture.  AHEM.

May I, at this point, offer an in-no-way-biased defence of my sweepstake ringer Denise van Outen?  I think it only fair to point out Sid went to theatre school too.  And who could forget that glittering pop career?  In light of that, does it still seem so surprising that he could handle himself on the dance floor?  (You’re all thinking “yes”, aren’t you?  Dammit!)  Either way, Justine's stake can't be discounted just yet.

We're then treated to another shot of Aliona's reaction to getting Johnny Ball.  I thought she'd toughed it out, but on second viewing it's clear that her face TOTALLY dropped and we got a barely disguised sulkathon – perhaps she was hoping for someone more spritely to join her ‘informal’ Battersea Park workouts?  Course, poor Aliona won’t be working out at all for a few weeks, seeing as her ankle is injured.  We actually get to see The Injury, which looks pretty undramatic at first, until you see the colour drop from her face and the proper concern from Johnny.  I think the word is ‘ouch’.

Anyway, cat-faced Iveta has been whisked in and... she and Johnny do their best, but it's a 74 year old guy doing a cha cha, so it was never going to be particularly snake-hipped.  It is fairly adorable though, and not only does he get through it, he makes fewer errors than Pendles.  The judges are still quite mean, but Iveta purrs that “ze young boys need to shape up now if zey vant to be a REAL MAN like Johnny”.  Yeah! Maths Geeks Do It Harder!  She also thanks everyone at “Strictly Ballroom” for being so kind.  Somewhere in England, Lilia Kopylova is stroking her pug, ranting furiously that it was SHE who should have been asked back, whilst poor wee Darren tries to placate her.

Who’s next? “Women think I'm just a fantasy, but I'm real” *eyebrow raise* - WE'VE MISSED YOU VINTHENT.  It turns out last night's dance cardigan is actually a button down dance tank top.  Nifty.  As for Dani, I feel mean, but I’m still not warming to her - but it’s hard to be bitchy as she’s young and seems very nervous/lacking in confidence.  I’ll just say their waltz was uninterestingly fine – nothing particularly special or memorable, but a good old Week One attempt, even if she had slight rigor mortis face throughout.  I don’t think it’s Vinthent’s year though – sorry Dan.  In many ways, we’re all losers on that front, as we won’t get the chance to hear the wonderful array of Simone soundbites (“shaking like a leaflet” remains my favourite by some way).

Oh, there was one ‘highpoint’ when Craig said that Dani had a “nice back” and Bruce helpfully added that she also had a “nice front”. *sigh*.  Keen to not only display outdated attitudes to women, but to violent behaviour too, Bruce then introduces Lisa by saying that she’s going to punch Craig if he’s mean.  Fatties that hit!  Hilarious!

Fortunately, Lisa comes across as a wonderfully friendly and engaging gal, delighting at her Strictly glamover and her new hagship with Robin.  She’s also invented a new language of dance, dispensing with French and opting for the Catchphrase approach of ‘say what you see’; where Robin sees a “rondé”, Lisa sees a “swisho” or a “twizzle” or a “bap bap”.  It may sound absurd, but the fact of the matter is that it totally works, for Lisa is a dance floor gem, completely stealing the show with her awesome cha cha cha.

Why so good?  Firstly, Robin’s chainmail disco vest – let’s hope he’s starting the fashion dance season as he means to go on.  Secondly, Lisa’s sheer enthusiasm – throwing everything she can into the moves and performing with an absolute beaming smile on.  Thirdly, CHUBBA CAN DANCE!  Even Craig Revel Horwood said so.  She knew her steps, her timing was bang on and she had got to the stage where she was able to work on the presentation itself, rather than just the motions.  Bruno gave her standing ovation for her bottom slap and Darcey appreciated her ‘risk-taking’ as she was the one who lifted Robin at the end.  (Mind you, I’d imagine it wasn’t too much of an effort to invite such thighs to be clasped around one’s waist.)

It was just a wonderfully joyful routine, which they clearly both loved learning and performing and which made everything in the world better for 90 seconds.  Louise’s £1 is suddenly looking like a contender!   It will be interesting to see Lisa’s ballroom, which may be more of a challenge, but right now, I wouldn’t put it past her to pull out a lovely waltz.  If you’re looking for a joke candidate, time to move along – Lisa is not the new Russell Grant by any means.

Richard Arnold also avoided the ‘joke’ tag (for now – I await his cha cha with trepidation) – turning out a rather nice, albeit dull, waltz.  (But waltzes ARE dull – fact.)  The best bit about Richard and Erin’s performance was in the VT, with Erin freestyle disco dancing in her weirdly slutty ballgown and greasy bouffant mullet top knot – complete with finger guns.

And then it was time - for Ms Jerry Hall... Well.  Um.  Can we just have her drawl for a minute and a half?  It’s not that she was bad at cha cha cha-ing, it’s just that her dancing was... a bit non.  I blame Anton, obviously, for mainly letting her pose and strut and not bothering to teach her anything (which is no surprise - why start training your partner ten years in?).  Still, she did pose marvellously, at least - H to T. Tyra would be proud.  I expect Anton is far too terrified of Jerry to crack the whip anyway - well, not without an express invitation.  At least Len wasn’t too intimated to have a good old flirt with la Hall - “next week, excite me!”, with Jerry immediately flirting back “wait until you see my fohhhhxtrot”.  More of that please.  Even if it is with Len.

“Have we saved the best til last?” asks Tess “Not really” answered Anton, which I’m embarrassed to admit made me chuckle.  Of course Louis ‘Lewis’ Smith and Flavia Cacace’s cha cha was amongst the best; a very pelvic performance, with incredibly oiled hip action and only the merest hint of gym fun.  There was perhaps a bit too much paso-face for a cheeky cha cha, but that was clearly down to Louis’ concentration on the steps.  Darcey certainly enjoyed it - gushing forth with Arlene levels of thigh rubbing compliments.  (The invite to the sexy pahty is in the MAIL, YAR.)  In fact, there was a general judge perveathon, with Bruno expressing great surprise that Craig had even noticed Louis’ facial expression.  They were tight trousers, it's true.

So there we go – I think we’re in for a good season, all told.  Especially as THE DANCE-OFF IS BACK! WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! YAR!  I know some think it should all be down to the public, but it seems to me that the public can’t always be trusted (Widdecombe), so I’m glad that there will be some quality control in the final stages, even if we do have to put up with Len grumbily pretending to find the whole thing stressful, when it's clear he knows exactly who he wants to boot, right from the off.

I also particularly enjoyed the film noir package of the judges discussing the dance-off, with Len explaining the finer points (err, really so complex it needed its own VT?) and asking Bruno and Craig which of them would win.  “Me” said Bruno, immediately. “No, I would” replied Craig. “I’m thinner” said Bruno settling the matter. 

Line of the series.

Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep dancin’.