Strictly sleb rumours for 2011

The rumour mill is fairly female-centric and (of course) pretty inconsistent this year, but here are some of the names the tabloids have made-up sourced:

Likely (well, oft-mentioned):

Alex Jones (boreathon One Show Bleakley-clone.)

Jason Donovan (I say yes! Poor Jason. He must look at Kylie and Guy Pearce's careers and think... well, at least I have the Iceland ads.)

Holly Valance (also of ex-Neighbours/limited pop-career 'fame'. She may not even have the Iceland ads, but at least she can take solace in her billionaire boyfriend. Also, if she takes part, then Ola and Aliona are going to have to watch the dental floss supplies – Holly's not frightened of nudity: she once wore a catsuit made of strategically-placed lasers.)

Edwina Currie (Bruce is no doubt practising his egg puns as we speak. I think she'll test even Anton's patience. Hopefully she'll be paired with Brendan.)

Nancy Dellolliolliollioioio (on balance, I'd like her in - surely high-octane Italian rows with Bruno await.)

Russell Grant (Pffff. I predict a swift and humiliating exit in week one, but not before Bruce has fluffed a 'moon in Uranus' line.)

Token sportspeople:

There are a few sportsmen predicted, but I've never heard of them, so can't tell if they even exist, apart from ex-triple jumper Jonathan Edwards, who would be excellent (but unlikely) and Chemmy Alcott (injured British skier and sufficiently unfamous – so very plausible.) Robbie Savage (a footballer, so I'm told) was looking likely, but my @strictlycad sources tell me he's tweeted them to say he's not doing it)

And the rest:

Prescott (am already worried about his capacity to survive the Jive week)

Gregg 'Masterchef' Wallace (it doesn't get more sequined than this etc)

Anita Dobson (possibly acceptable if she is paired with James Jordan and her hubby Brian 'Queen' May also takes part with Ola, and all four of them have matching perms)

Christopher Biggins (dear God)

Mine and Vix's former neighbour Craig David (all over Flavia's boiiing.)

Professor Brian Cox (I have completely made that one up, but IMAGINE!)

Pippa Middleton (arse)

Princess Diana (I read about that one in the Express.)

So there we go. (Disclaimer: I know nothing. But isn't that fairly standard for tabloid reporting?) Slim pickings sure, but what's new? Besides, for me, the fame-level of the celebs has limited importance anyway – they'll get famous once Strictly starts, and it's all about the level of hatred they inspire in me (Ann Widdecombe, Ricky Nipple etc). ANYHOO, all will be revealed on 10 September. EXCITEMENT!