2011 Launch show

Yay, it’s back! Much whoopin’ and a-hollerin’ y’all, as Strictly launch special guest Dolly Parton might say (LOVE HER). And much promise in store, I think, with a fair amount of hilarity, controversy and contrived romance to go from now until Christmas. Yes, CHRISTMAS! WHOOP! Deck the halls, people, falalalala, it’s showtime!

Moving swiftly along from Bruce’s failure to introduce Dave Arch and his fabulous orchestra (where was Trevor with his bass and pork pie hat? May he return intact in October), and without lingering on what Anton was wearing in the opening shot (it looked like a tightie whitie jumpsuit, with bow tie, braces and high waisted trousers printed on - I can’t even process that yet) - I thought there was much to whet the appetite in this year’s launch.

Chelsee’s lace granny pants aside, I found the celebs’ costumes quite muted, but we still saw one costume which, frankly, was up there with very best we’ve seen in times gone by - to the Strictly costume hall of fame (which currently boasts Ian’s red trousers, Anton’s gold trousers and the mythical poo suit) I think we can now add Dolly’s white fringed Bermuda shorts and tiny veiled funeral hat. I know she was only a guest, but helloooo? Amazing. I would expect no less from such a legend.

And we also got a proper look at Tess’ yellow flared jumpsuit. Yegods! Seriously Tess, sack the stylist! Or get a stylist! The woman has a fine figure, but this was horribly unflattering, even by her standards; apart from the major problem of it being a yellow flared jumpsuit (nuff said), it gave her flappy fish boobs and chronic polterwang. Atrocious.

But moving on – what about the stars of our show? Well, my first reaction to the pairings was mixed, but am now happily on board. We can't ignore the fact that the BBC prod team have completely shafted some of the more established pros, who probably deserved a good partner after a few years in the wilderness, but there is still mucho potential for excellentness ahoy, so let's not be too downhearted.

Here's a few exclamation marks to perk things up: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The likely front-runners? Well, it's impossible to say until we've assessed the full extent of partner-on-partner chemistry and seen them attempt a fleckle or samba roll, but I thought Holly Valance and, yes, Russell Grant (!!!) looked most lively in the group dance. More on that later, viewers.

Objectively, surely Harry McFly and Aliona are up there? He is young, appealing and has ballroom form (though we shouldn’t forget that Harry only had one other competitor in the Children In Need Strictly, so let's not get too carried away by that indicator of success). Aliona will also need to curb her insane choreography, though I fear the worst - this year, rather than using wellies and binoculars as the prop which symbolises her partner's career, she can justifiably incorporate a WHOLE SET OF DRUMS on stage. There's no way she'll resist that.

What about the others? Could Artem do the double? Entirely possible, with Holly Valance as a partner – she stood out in the group fiasco as actually having mastered the correct moves and, shock horror, being able to perform them. Every former popstrel who's ever competed has always said “but this is different to pop videos, that's just gyrating” – that may be true, but Alesha, Rachel and Kara have shown that stage school is, unsurprisingly, an excellent training ground.

By the way, the Strictly twittersphere has found these pairings the most controversial, with much (justifiable?) moaning that it’s unfair to give last year's winner and runner up the young and bouncy celebs again. Frankly, I think it’s for the best, as I'm not sure Artem is up to dealing with the likes of Nancy or Edwina – guaranteed they would make him cry within the hour.

Any others with the potential to win? Could I do the sweepstake double, with my gal Kristina? At least she's finally been given someone who isn't an obvious dud, and she was bloody delighted when it was announced she was getting Jason Donovan! She sprinted towards him, wild-eyed and screaming, took a running leap and immediately clamped his waist with her thighs, in pure joy and relief. Not one of us judged her, including Joe Calzaghe. Surely Jason Donovan, with his high level of showmanship (I refer particularly to the Scott Robinson mullet) and his musical experience (I refer particularly to Joseph And His Technicolour Loincloth) must have something in the tank? He looked a bit red in the face and ‘concentrate-y’ on the dance floor, but I have faith in my sweepstakees. Go on Team Kristina's Doner Van! (GEDDIT! HILARIOUS.)

And then there’s Chelsee 'Waterloo Road' Healey. Wowsers. What wonderful charms you have, Chelsee. In case you missed the show, our Chelsee... is... seems... owns... Look, I'm just going to come out and say it. She has crazy oversized fake boobies which make Erin’s and Kristina's look natural. However, she also seems hilariously adorable - “Tess, I'm single and ready to mingle” – with much Northern promise. I have no idea how her partner Pasha, who is from Siberia, will understand her.

And I think I'm going to like newest man-dancer Pasha – he has a very wiggly bottom for starters (THIS IS GOOD IN DANCE TERMS, OK). I particularly enjoyed the bit in his showcase dance when he leapt into the arms of Flavia, Kristina, Aliona and Natalie, but didn't leap quite far enough, so poor Flavia had to pretty much take his full man weight in her tiny arms, whilst Natalie had managed to carefully position herself at the head end, so didn't risk taking the strain and pulling an arm muscle. Oh Natalie. I would miss her assassin's ways if she went.

Poll: how long before Tess asks “but does our Chelsee want to pash-a with Pasha?” I say week three. She's already managed her first insult of the series, but it was only towards Robbie Savage, so fair enough.

So if those partnerships look most likely to lift the trophy, what about those that really, really, really don't? Poor Vinthent. He's been royally shafted with the odious Edwina Currie. He looked utterly dejected - I thought he was actually going to cry and throw a tantrum at one point. You could tell there was a problem when he couldn't even bring himself to flirt with her. He’s going to have to rethink the Italian gigolo act, I think, for fear it’s taken seriously - Edwina is clearly a total purve. At first she thought that she'd got Artem and was practically rubbing her thighs à la Vic Reeves towards him. It didn’t really surprise me – I’ve seen this type of behaviour from her before – on one Question Time she practically squeezed Chuka Umuna MP's balls live on the BBC! Well, not really, but she was slathering all over him and, at one point, basically out and out screeched that she wouldn’t want to sleep with the other guest, Will Self, because he was really ugly, but that she’d absolutely do Chuka, as he was a total hottie. I’m paraphrasing, but I swear that’s what happened. (Chuka looked mortified, Self looked relieved, even Dimbles was thrown a bit.) In Edwina’s defence, I suppose she probably isn’t in a minority with that view - how Chuka Umuna's not #1 on www.sexymp.co.uk is beyond me. But still!

Flavia has also been given a short straw – LTERALLY, BECAUSE SHE IS SO TINY!!! *MwahahaEyethankyew*. However, I predict a lot of support for Russell Grant who seems to have a great balance of coyly playing for comedy, whilst putting in the effort to try and actually dance- he’s apparently lost ten stone already and clearly had rhythm in the group dance. To be honest, I'm already on board because he replied to one of my tweets, called me 'Catherine love' and included a kiss!

Flavia also looked delighted she and Russell were paired – they ran to each other and span around on stage for about five minutes in a hug dance of joy. They won't win, I'd wager, but could be there a few weeks – plenty of time for Bruce to make the moon in Uranus joke.

The word on the forums (yes, I go on the forums, *sigh*) is that Vincent and Flavia have been given the ‘no-hopers’ because they haven't signed up for the Strictly live tour next year, as they're doing their own (excellent) Argentine tango show, and so the BBC are 'punishing' them. Who knows? At least an early Vinthent/Flavia exit means that they will be free to take on more of the pro-dances, where they really come into their own. Who can forget Flavia's bondage orgy tango from last year? No doubt an S&M dogging foxtrot awaits...

I still can't believe that Vinthent didn't get Lulu – I was so sure about that one. And I can't see Lulu and Brendan getting on – he's twice her height and when he was announced as her partner, she actually went into shock and started muttering 'no, no, no', before running to cower in a corner. Brendan, of course, went into default alpha male mode, strode over, picked her up and threw her over his shoulder, caveman style – causing her to flash her lulu to millions of viewers. Nice. But if they do have chemistry, then Team Brelulu could do very well, no? Lulu's still got it. Ask Jason Orange.

Height difference might also be an issue for tiny Ola and Robbie 'blow dry' Savage – he's over 6 foot and she's the size of your average eight year old. And what is it about Welsh sportsman and vanity? Robbie Savage is clearly this year's Gavin Henson; he happily opened his VT with the following deadpan sound bite: “my hair and my teeth, they are the two most important things in my life basically.” Not sure how Ola will cope with a partner who has slightly shinier hair than her. I also fear Savage might be quite good, which will be annoying.

Mr Ola, James Jordan, might also be seen to have done well at first glance - he hasn't been given someone patently rubbish like Edwina, but, personally, I don't think Bleakley-clone Alex Jones will shine; she had total Bambi legs in the group dance and is, let’s face it, completely dead behind the eyes. Christine herself was fairly forgettable and Alex is the b-list version, so I'm sensing some week seven action at best for Team Jamlex. Then again, James is a master of audience and judge-pleasing choreography, so who knows...

At least justice was done with my favourite Strictly villain, Natalie Lowe – boxers don't have a good reputation at this game, and though Audley Harrison may prove us wrong, well... I doubt it. He looked like he was having a grand old time in the group dance, but it's hard for such a massive man to be light of foot when in hold. I will particularly look forward to watching Natalie's forced beauty queen smile whilst her fembot eyes scream HATE AND RAGE if he's useless.

As for poor Erin, well she must be used now to not even being the bridesmaid, let alone the bride. She's been there FOREVER and never won - isn't dancing professionally with Anton is punishment enough? However, Miss Whiplash is an accomplished player at this game and (the unexpectedly super tall) Rory Bremner might be ok under her guidance, if they don’t fall foul of the perilous mid-table ranking problem.

I'm reserving judgement on Katya and Dan Lobb (Team George 'Lobbya' Bush – mwahaha, at least I amuse myself!) I don't know enough about Dan yet, though I’m afraid my first impression is 'not as charming as Chris Hollins'. Apart from the genuinely brilliant show that is All Star Family Fortunes, I’m a total ITV snob and have never seen Daybreak (much like most of the nation, boom boom!). I suspect Dan's likely to be good though, mainly because it's not worth risking being rubbish and having to face the wrath of Katya – the most terrifying pro of them all. Len called Dan “a hunky dunkin' donut”. Mmmkay. I propose that we call him “Dan Lobb On”, which I understand to be slang for 'having an erection'.

Then there was Anita Dobson, who seemed adorable and nervous. And I just LOVE LOVE LOVE Robin, who slid across the floor to meet her – risking fire, injury and Health and Safely Officer fury from the friction of a nylon knee burn. Anita was delighted to get him and kept touching his face and pecs to check he, and they, were real. You know, I think Robin is my secret favourite (sorry Vinthent). I've been to Soho, I've been to Vauxhall, I've been to Eurovision, but never have I seen such a perfect specimen balancing camp and butch so perfectly. Like yin and yang. Still, Team Dobin seem a classic mid-table pairing to me, so I would recommend that they get in quickly with the first 'I just want to make Blackpool' card.

And finally. Nanton. It was inevitable, right? The car crash we were all hoping for. Nancy Dell’Olio, the Italian stallion, and Anton du Beke, the English ****. I can’t really make a call on their dance chemistry, but I fear they will have trouble even getting started – when they were paired, they effectively ignored each other entirely and just chattered away to no-one in particular (which, in Nancy’s case, came out as a low incomprehensible accented mumble anyway). Nothing fazes Anton though, does it – even when, during the group dance, Nancy looked like someone had kidnapped her from the Dynasty set, got her thoroughly stoned and plonked her next to Edwina for the older ladies’ bitch off walk of shame down the dancefloor. She could more or less stumble in time, but failed to give Edwina the diva bitch sneer at the allotted beat. (Edwina, of course, absolutely nailed the moment when she had to dog Nancy up – and with relish.)

By the way, there’s a rumour going round that Nancy is dating Sir Trevor MacDonald. I’m fairly sure that she’s actually with the theatre impresario Sir Trevor Dunn, but whatever, keep it circulating – it’s a good one.

So there we have it – business as usual, really! Hooray! There’s a break for a few weeks while the celebs practice and Nancy argues with the BBC production about how high her heels can be, and then we’re back on (I think) 30th September, when the competition begins in earnest. Good luck to us all - £14 is riding on it!

Keeeeeeeeeeeeeep etc.

Suggested Strictly Portmanteaux/s

So, we have our couples (let's gloss over my success rate of 36% predictions correct). The Twittersphere is already awash with a range of official and unofficial team names. Here are the ones I would choose. Any suggestions for your pair happily accepted.

Harry 'McFly' Judd and Aliona Vilani - Team Harriona

Holly Valance and Artem Chigvintsev - Team Holtem

Chelsee Healey and Pasha Kovalev - Team Pashee

Edwina Currie and Vincent Simone - Team Vinthwina

Russell Grant and Flavia Cacace – Team Flavell (FLAVELL!!! That's my fav so far)

Nancy Dell'Olio and Anton du Beke -Team Nanton

Lulu and Brendan Cole - Team Brelulu

Robbie Savage and Ola Jordan - Team Savola

Alex Jones and James Jordan – Team Jamlex

Rory Bremner and Erin Boag – Team Rorin

Audley Harrison and Natalie Lowe – Team Audalie

Kristina Rihanoff and Jason Donovan - Team Kristina's Doner Van (COME ON!)

Dan Lobb and Katya Virshilas - Team George 'Lobbya' Bush (GEDDIT?!?!?)

Anita Dobson and Robin Windsor – Team Dobin

Launch show costume preview

*Important*

The show is yet to start and I am proud to already announce the first Tess Dress Mess of 2011.

Click here and scroll down

The caption says it all: "Strictly host Tess Daly looked gorgeous in a yellow flared jumpsuit with gold belt detail and black and gold sandals."

YELLOW FLARED JUMPSUIT!

DEAR GOD!

Robbie Savage's hair has also drawn a number of comments. Vicki says "Now, I'm only looking at it on a tiny blackberry screen but is Robbie channelling The BeeGees circa Saturday Night Fever?". Her wise father Terry replies "All he needs is a coco tin lid on a chain just like Granville in "Open all hours" & he will be there." (Younger viewers may need to seek Wikipedia's help at this point.) And Laura C speaks for us all when she says "I'm am not sure I will be able to bear it for the whole run".

She adds "And who knew Jason had such a hairy chest? Questions abound."

Indeed. I too was surprised by the Donovan chest situation.

I also note that Lulu looks fab-u-lous and Chelsee seems to be wearing net mini-shorts over turquoise granny pants - it's weird, it leaves little of Chelsee to the imagination, but it still comes off like a frumpy Ola costume.

I CANNOT BLOODY WAIT!

Pairing predictions #1 (subject to daily change, probably)

Predicted pairings, based on rudimentary analysis of height, previous success rate in the competition, age/ability of previous celeb(s), respective pro-dancer & celeb fame level and perceived potential ability of this year's celebs.

Also, in Anton's case, comedy potential.

Anton & Nancy Dell'Olio
Robin & Anita Dobson
Artem & Alex Jones
Pasha & Holly Valance
Vinthent & Lulu
James & Chelsee Waterloo Road
Brendan & Edwina Currie

Ola & Harry McFly
Natalie & Audley Harrison
Flavia & Rory Bremner
Erin & Dan 'Daybreak' Lobb
Kristina & Jason Donovan (biased? moi?)
Aliona & Russell Grant
Katya & Robbie Savage.

Am a bit worried about the number of VERY tall male celebs and the tiny-ness of most of the female pros, but there you go.

Now let's see how woeful my success rate ends up being.

Sleb rumour updates

Rumour mill update: Lulu, Bremner and Harry Judd from McFly are cropping up now. Lulu is an obvious pairing for Vinthent to me - small and feisty, and she's already (allegedly) practiced the horizontal tango with Jason Orange.

In the name of research (see how good I am to you guys) I just googled 'how tall is Rory Bremner' - and, of course, Google delivered: 6 ft 1, apparently. Surely it's Nat's year for an older gent? And Bremner might not be so terrible - he can just channel his best Anton impression (*voms*). Besides, they wouldn't dare give Natalie 'fembot' Lowe an out-and-out duffer - her control board would overheat and explode.

As for Harry McFly (he's the drummer, and I didn't even have to google that), he's already done the Children In Need version, danced with Ola - and won, but I'm not sure I remember high quality dance ability. So far, he seems to be the best hope for young, hot, man-flesh - which is worrying. Call me old-fashioned, but I find it hard to fancy a man so reliant on hair-straighteners.

Strictly sleb rumours for 2011

The rumour mill is fairly female-centric and (of course) pretty inconsistent this year, but here are some of the names the tabloids have made-up sourced:

Likely (well, oft-mentioned):

Alex Jones (boreathon One Show Bleakley-clone.)

Jason Donovan (I say yes! Poor Jason. He must look at Kylie and Guy Pearce's careers and think... well, at least I have the Iceland ads.)

Holly Valance (also of ex-Neighbours/limited pop-career 'fame'. She may not even have the Iceland ads, but at least she can take solace in her billionaire boyfriend. Also, if she takes part, then Ola and Aliona are going to have to watch the dental floss supplies – Holly's not frightened of nudity: she once wore a catsuit made of strategically-placed lasers.)

Edwina Currie (Bruce is no doubt practising his egg puns as we speak. I think she'll test even Anton's patience. Hopefully she'll be paired with Brendan.)

Nancy Dellolliolliollioioio (on balance, I'd like her in - surely high-octane Italian rows with Bruno await.)

Russell Grant (Pffff. I predict a swift and humiliating exit in week one, but not before Bruce has fluffed a 'moon in Uranus' line.)

Token sportspeople:

There are a few sportsmen predicted, but I've never heard of them, so can't tell if they even exist, apart from ex-triple jumper Jonathan Edwards, who would be excellent (but unlikely) and Chemmy Alcott (injured British skier and sufficiently unfamous – so very plausible.) Robbie Savage (a footballer, so I'm told) was looking likely, but my @strictlycad sources tell me he's tweeted them to say he's not doing it)

And the rest:

Prescott (am already worried about his capacity to survive the Jive week)

Gregg 'Masterchef' Wallace (it doesn't get more sequined than this etc)

Anita Dobson (possibly acceptable if she is paired with James Jordan and her hubby Brian 'Queen' May also takes part with Ola, and all four of them have matching perms)

Christopher Biggins (dear God)

Mine and Vix's former neighbour Craig David (all over Flavia's boiiing.)

Professor Brian Cox (I have completely made that one up, but IMAGINE!)

Pippa Middleton (arse)

Princess Diana (I read about that one in the Express.)

So there we go. (Disclaimer: I know nothing. But isn't that fairly standard for tabloid reporting?) Slim pickings sure, but what's new? Besides, for me, the fame-level of the celebs has limited importance anyway – they'll get famous once Strictly starts, and it's all about the level of hatred they inspire in me (Ann Widdecombe, Ricky Nipple etc). ANYHOO, all will be revealed on 10 September. EXCITEMENT!