2017 - Week 3 - Movie Week

Oh yes... blogging... AKA 'not having a two year old'.  But I'm back - only two weeks late.   Oh no posts in 2016 you note.  So a year and two weeks late.  Thank you for noticing, she shouts into the ether.  But here I am, pearls of wisdom now ready to be unloaded, provided I can still get to bed at 9.30pm.

And what have we learned so far?  Well, that Ed Balls’ political legacy, as turns out, is giving the British public a taste for the comedy-tryer candidate, rather than the comedy-just-terrible candidate.  So lo, the Dave Myers-esque hilarity of Reverend Richard Coles was booted out this week, whilst Brian was rewarded for his American Smooth Wizard of Oz game by missing the dance off entirely – though he did make a genuinely excellent wobbly scarecrow, which probably helped a lot. 

Am sad though - I loved the Rev.  He's the only one who has provided me with Actual Rofl Lolz this year.  However, donning a marching band uniform and a Boris wig (albeit combed) for a Flash Gordon paso just didn’t cut it.  There’s only one man with that hairdo who can leap around like a petulant child and survive intact against the odds whilst everyone stares on in “is this actually happening” disbelief.  Ladies and gentlemen, Her Majesty's Principal Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs.

And speaking of national disasters, it’s MOVIE WEEK!  Boom boom etc. 

I’ve warmed to theme weeks, but this one can be a bit barrel scrape-y.  Toy Story, for example, is not a good theme for a quickstep, so I wasn't surprised to see it in the dance off.  It wasn’t helped by Simon Rimmer's Buzz Lightyear make-up.  I appreciate that bold, kohled Kardashian eyebrows are all the Snapchat rage, but this was a toddler wax crayon attack.  We’re talking Crayola caterpillars, unsaved by purple face paint, and a pubic curl Sharpie flourish on his chin.  Nothankyou - as my toddler says when I ask him to do something entirely reasonable, like brush his teeth or put his shoes on.  At least he's learning to use politeness within his rebellions.

I was a bit nothankyou about Gemma and Aljaz’s Jungle Book charleston – a dance you’d think can be manipulated to suit any ker-azy theme, including anthropomorphism.  Perhaps it was just disappointing that Gemma was in a 15 denier catsuit whilst Aljaz’s bear outfit was a shapeless baggy grey onesie with extra belly padding.  Have we learnt nothing from the Blurred Lines shitshow? 

Mind you, from a male objectification POV, we did get to enjoy Jonnie as Indiana Jones, with chesticles ahoy and some rather snug khakis.  And a rope, and a Stetson, and an Oti Mabuse alongside him.  The two of them really are another level gorge.  Sure, it was a bit Peacock bum-shelf-centric, which isn't really standard paso, but Jonnie is likeable and inspiring, so I have high hopes for Team Macock.

It was Susan Calman who bagged the best concept, outfit and CHOON of the night; a Wonder Woman samba.  THE JOY.  I hope Susan isn’t going anywhere soon – she has the Balls-like combination of jokey performances with gritted teeth learning of steps (technically, if not skilfully...yet).  She also has an actual love of Kevin Clifton’s dance embrace, and Kevin's seemingly over the stalker and cats vibe she was giving out at the start, so the chemistry is actually touching now.  I love Susan.  Can you be a national treasure before you hit retirement?  I’m nominating la Calman.

Speaking of retirement, Brendan? Tempted much?  (Anton’s never retiring – I’ve accepted that fact.)   This was just standard go-to yawnsome Brendanography: have them look pretty, I’ll shunt them around the floor, then strop it out when the judges tell me off.  A Top Gun tango, you say?  Or a solid excuse for Brendan to live out his Tom Cruise fantasies/delusions?  At least it meant Charlotte didn't actually have to do any actual dancing, after last week’s cha cha meltdown – instead she got to raise temperatures in a Kelly McGillis blouse, whilst Brendan plopped her on and off a motorbike.

Anton was also in sensual mode (*voms in mouth*).  Not that I remember much about the Ruth and Anton duBond rumba – I’ve clearly blocked it from my mind.  Something about Ruth not wanting to stare into Anton’s eyes and make sexy face, which – hello, I think we all have sympathy there.  Nothankyou.

But it wasn’t all slightly awks sub-par stuff.  Debbie and Aston – you know, the trained dancers – were excellent, with a Ginger Rogers quickstep and Trolls cha cha respectively.  Aston even managed to impress wearing a bermuda short variation of the poo slacks, with turquoise tights and a bright green crochet/felt waistcoat for modesty.   

Mollie wasn’t bad as slutty Maria in slinky evening dress and practical apron – I’m not sure she’s the dancer we might have expected her to be, but the lifts in her Sound of Music American Smooth were pretty great.  And if you ever wondered what Captain Von Trapp looked like in the Austrian cadet force, look up the child AJ in his military evening jacket and wonder no more.

And at least those concepts made some kind of sense.  A few even actively worked –  mostly Joe’s Viennese Waltz, working beautifully to Lara’s theme.   *spoilers* though, with that choreography giving the ending to Dr Zhivago away.  I haven’t seen the film, and now I know that the plot is lots of computer-generated snow and a hastily grown man moustache.  We also now have two classic Katya Hat moments – floppy for Virshilas and headmuff for Jones.

Alexanda’s My Fair Lady American Smooth was a lovely match of theme and dance too – and she’s so so so good.  I was initially disappointed that no better pun than “Strictly Covent Market” was found, until I could only think of “Strictly Come-vent Market, and decided to move swiftly on - less BBC prime-time, more niche erotica from the depths of the internet.

Mind you, niche erotica might have been what Davood and Nadiya were going for – that Stayin’ Alive samba was approx 99% pelvic thrusts in tighty whities.  I’ve still no idea whether Davood can dance, his entire characterisation is ‘I may or may not be bright but who cares cause MUSCLES’.

I do quite high hopes for this year – a Debbie, Aston, Alexandra, Jonnie final, perhaps?  Though Joe, or even Mollie and Gemma too, could sneak though.  Especially if there’s a CONTROVERSIAL DANCE OFF (there is always a controversial dance off).  And Susan.  Many more weeks of Susan please.  There’s at least five or six of them I hope she takes out.

BTW, have I blogged yet about how much I love Shirley as a judge?  (No, because PARENTHOOD.)  Guys, I LOVE Shirley! (As a judge mind, I’ve this teeny fear she might be Brexit IRL.) Her launch show dance cameo was an amazing glimpse into how she can totes really dance, and she has excellent spectacles on tip of nose game.  But more than that (I know! As if the specs placement wasn’t enough!), she’s really good at pithy constructive criticism, knows and highlights the dance steps she’s seeing without being eye-rollingly smug and – favourite fact - she’s already managed to completely wind Brendan AND Piers Moron up.  Even the forums mostly rate her, which is saying something, as they can find fault in anything – even Tess’ outfits, can you believe it...

On that note, TessTess’ pinspins were on show on Sunday - those orthopaedic tights aren’t going to sell themselves - and, shockity horror, I think she’s been looking fairly acceptable all series, so far.  Emphasis on the “so far”, of course, and it’s not like I lurved the flesh denier topped gold streamer number she had on Saturday – on brand though, evoking the lady tight. 

Sure, Claudia’s as orange, fringey and let’s say ‘eccentrically ‘dressed as ever, but she remains Claudia, doer of no wrong, so you crack on, Claude.  Darcey had an interesting (iffy) take on the lady tuxedo on Sunday, but it’s clear the purpose was to out-pin Tess with the slittiest high slits on her dress-culottes; maybe the hosiery contract isn’t going as well as hoped and Darcey has spotted an opportunity.  

I long to bitch about the man fashion too, you know, but there’s little cattiness to be mined from ‘will it be a black or white dinner jacket tonight’?

Oh it’s good to be back!  Typing as I am on my iPhone on my Southern Rail commute – nothing like having that quality me-time, eh?  Who knows how much I’ll get blogged this year (course with Southern Rail’s record, the chances are high that the blogs will be long).   But hooray for interminable Strictly chit chat.  If I don't reappear, just blame the two year old.  But be in no doubt - I’ll keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep watching.