Series 12 - Class of 2014. The Slebs

Frankie Saturdays

Pop star (girl band branch)

...Though I’m lead to understand her real name is Frankie Bridge, which seems like it should be a place, rather than the name of a pop star. She's the Saturday with the short hair, who used to be in S Club Babies, so I imagine she will be fairly capable at inappropriate gyrating, if nothing else.  Then again, I’d have said that Rochelle Saturday was going to be a shoo-in at Christmas, but after her ‘Giraffe bambi legs’ special...

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: She seems teeny. Kevin from Grimsby?

Judy Murray

Mum of Andy

An utterly inspired signing, if this nothing-short-of-schamazing Twitter beef with Yoko Ono is a reflection of anything. And how could it not be?  Those who see her as a furious haridan with no happiness in her bones have a surprise coming.  I'm sure she's genuinely intimidating, but the recent interviews I've seen suggest she's utterly hilare as well.

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: If any grown woman can make Brendan Cole whimper and cry, it would her duty to partner him.  (Judy will blates get Anton.)

Alison Hammond

Token ITV presenter

From Big Brother when it was ‘good’ to an actual TV presenting job – that's living the nineties dream, that is. Alison seems a drinking-buddy-esque delight, and I’m willing to bet she’s secretly graduated from the Lisa Riley Big Girls Can Move Too School of Dance. I’m sure it was a terrible embarrassment at the time, but if you can recover from jumping on - AND BREAKING - a picnic table on national TV, you can cope with showing your cha cha to Craig Revel Horwood.

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: Brendan please. Mainly as it will piss him off, because he's too shallow to see beyond lithe and thin.

Thom Evans

*SWOON KLAXON*

I swear I couldn't find the official Strictly photo, honest.

Also *Strictly Cad is about to go on at length about chesticles klaxon*

Anyone worried about missing Artem or Robin's man titties need worry no more – not only does Thom offer giant pecs, he also has a full head of hair and the squarest jaw known to mankind; it's like it was sliced with a sharpened spirit level.  And I've had time to observe, as I've had a giggly crush on both Evans brothers since I started courting a Scottish rugby fan seven years ago and was introduced to the joys of thigh watching rugby. I fantasy cast Thom in at least 2012, so I am clearly 100% personally responsible for this one. YOU ARE WELCOME.

Why is Thom famous? Oh yes. There's been some online sniping about Thom's lack of international rugby caps/achievements, which is a bit harsh, given that he had to give up professional rugby after suffering/surviving a horrific on-pitch neck injury, which could have, you know, killed him. After unsuccessful dalliances with Commonwealth sprinting and Kelly Brook (their joint levels of good looks unprocessable by us mere mortals), he opted not to go back to his pre-rugby 'career' of boy banding (click with caution), and turned his full attention to 'fitness modelling'. So he's a famous fitness model, sillies!

Anyway, google at your leisure and marvel at his laughably clichéd good looks (but be wary of some homoerotic pseudo incestuous definite NSFWness from the Dieux du Stade shoot).

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: I notice Natalie Lowe has already removed her hair extensions in anticipation of the acrylic-nails-eye-jab scrap over this one.

Simon Webb

Pop star (boy band branch)

One love for your mother's pride - what a lyric!  It's him out of Blue. More excitingly, I high-fived Simon at Eurovision. Simon appears to have done some sit ups in his time, so at least there'll be a lycra distraction from the excruciating cringe of the man rumba.

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: Ivetamazing's paid her dues. She deserves a good 'un.

Mark Wright

Ugh. They went there.  

Yes, it's Ex-TOWIE meathead and professional tabloid fodder, Mark Wright. I'm guessing the BBC's *completely foolproof* plan is to steal the millions and millions and millions of ITV2 viewers over to Auntie by bringing in someone with the requisite IQ.  But maybe Mark has hidden depths.  I suppose he will be already used to fake tan and shirts unbuttoned to the navel.

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: Teflon Aliona's bound to wangle someone with potential this year, so I hope it's Mark and I can panto-hate the pair of them. (Until they turn out to be adorably charming. The bastards.)

Sunetra Sarker

Her off Casualty

This year's Don't Know The Name But Oh Yeah I DO Know The Face. From that time she used a phone as a pretend defibrillator in some VT or other, she seems fun. That's all I have, I'm afraid.

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: Why not Pasha?  Lovely Pasha.

Jake Wood

Him off the soaps

Baldy Evil Eastender doesn't really narrow it down much, does it? I don't think he's a Mitchell though, based on rudimentary watching at Christmas.

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: Poor Kristina always gets the middle-weights. Why should this year be any different?

Steve Backshall

Nature TV presenter 

Steve's announcement immediately inspired this text from my sister: 

Topless likelihood? High?

Affirmative.

It's like they cast it purely to please us.

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: I'm sure Karen could drum up the requisite enthusiasm about terrifying animals. And pecs.

Scott Mills

DJ

When Mr Cad and I are tired on a long car journey, we keep alert by supplementing caffeine intake with listening to Radio 1 on full blast.  It's 'better' than Red Bull.  Scott Mills is one of the more articulate Radio 1 DJs, but I mainly like him as he's the BBC's Eurovision deputy. So that's two Eurovision connections in this year's Strictly – it's fair to say my excitement levels are set to 'high'.

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: Let's go with Joanne from Grimsby. Newbies usually get a nice ride.

Pixie Lott

Pop star (solo 'artist' branch)

She did that song about Boys and Girls. You know, all the boys, all the girls, la la la something.

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: One of Trent or Tristan, the new, and no doubt initially interchangeable, pro boys.

Caroline Flack

TV presenter

Caroline reportedly shagged a young man named Harry Styles and everyone was shocked and appalled because SHE WAS OLDER THAN HIM. Well done, society. This is apparently one in the face for the X-Factor, who fired her last year.  So let me get this straight... we're trying to seek revenge on an ITV show, for which many Strictly viewers have limited-to-nil interest, by taking on someone they no longer wished to employ, because they - and the viewers - presumably didn't rate them much, so we're taking them on to draw attention to both that other show and the fact that the calibre of celebs this year is 'those who have undergone a sacking'? Way to go, Strictly Producers! Yet another brilliant ploy!

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: One of Trent or Tristan, the new, and no doubt initially interchangeable, pro boys.

Gregg Wallace

Cooking judge

All together now: “DANCING DOESN'T GET ANY TOUGHER THAN THIS”. Greg's the baldy judge from Masterchef who gets divorced a lot. Masterchef is that show that I'm sure I'd enjoy and want to blog at length, but there are already only so many hours and I'm not sure I have time to get sucked in.  Then again, I recently wikipedia-ed each and everyone of the individual Eggheads, so...

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: ¡Manrara! One more year to prove your mettle, Janette, then it's 2015: Ringer year. I'm with you!

Tim Wonnacott

Antique Expert

Antiques Roadshow Dandy. He'll be given kindly compliments about his waltz, the latin will be more of a challenge, and then we will say bye bye.  Not that the show's got formulaic or anything.

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: Ola, no question. After James Jordan's petulant rantathon and Big Brother meltdown "I am the Brad Pitt of the dance worlds", there's no way they're risking her staying longer than Week 1 .

Jennifer Gibney

From Mrs Brown's Boys

Look, I don't watch Mrs Brown's Boys, but I know what it's like to have a Proper Lolz Shameful Comedy Secret: I flippin' LOVE Miranda. Sure, Jennifer Gibney isn't hugely famous, but fame is basically the least most important quality in a Strictly contestant, IMHO. I think this is a sterling line-up and can't wait to see Claudia and Tess manning HMS Strictly without Bruce in sight.  Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, but, well, fuck 'em.

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: I actually don't think Jennifer will get Aljaz – that level of manprettiness will probably be reserved for one of the baby poptarts – but he's the only one left and I can't be bothered to rejig now. So why not Team Gibjaz? #teamgibjaz