Series 12 - The Draw

The 2014 Strictlycad Draw was performed by Mr Cad, and was (not so) independently observed by me, Strictlycad, and my sister, Isabelle, both, ahem, previous winners of this hallowed event.

It was a double blind draw: 

And the results are as follows:

Commiserations to Ben, who has ended up with Anton for an unprecedented third time.

Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep hoping!

Series 12 - Class of 2014. The Slebs

Frankie Saturdays

Pop star (girl band branch)

...Though I’m lead to understand her real name is Frankie Bridge, which seems like it should be a place, rather than the name of a pop star. She's the Saturday with the short hair, who used to be in S Club Babies, so I imagine she will be fairly capable at inappropriate gyrating, if nothing else.  Then again, I’d have said that Rochelle Saturday was going to be a shoo-in at Christmas, but after her ‘Giraffe bambi legs’ special...

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: She seems teeny. Kevin from Grimsby?

Judy Murray

Mum of Andy

An utterly inspired signing, if this nothing-short-of-schamazing Twitter beef with Yoko Ono is a reflection of anything. And how could it not be?  Those who see her as a furious haridan with no happiness in her bones have a surprise coming.  I'm sure she's genuinely intimidating, but the recent interviews I've seen suggest she's utterly hilare as well.

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: If any grown woman can make Brendan Cole whimper and cry, it would her duty to partner him.  (Judy will blates get Anton.)

Alison Hammond

Token ITV presenter

From Big Brother when it was ‘good’ to an actual TV presenting job – that's living the nineties dream, that is. Alison seems a drinking-buddy-esque delight, and I’m willing to bet she’s secretly graduated from the Lisa Riley Big Girls Can Move Too School of Dance. I’m sure it was a terrible embarrassment at the time, but if you can recover from jumping on - AND BREAKING - a picnic table on national TV, you can cope with showing your cha cha to Craig Revel Horwood.

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: Brendan please. Mainly as it will piss him off, because he's too shallow to see beyond lithe and thin.

Thom Evans

*SWOON KLAXON*

I swear I couldn't find the official Strictly photo, honest.

Also *Strictly Cad is about to go on at length about chesticles klaxon*

Anyone worried about missing Artem or Robin's man titties need worry no more – not only does Thom offer giant pecs, he also has a full head of hair and the squarest jaw known to mankind; it's like it was sliced with a sharpened spirit level.  And I've had time to observe, as I've had a giggly crush on both Evans brothers since I started courting a Scottish rugby fan seven years ago and was introduced to the joys of thigh watching rugby. I fantasy cast Thom in at least 2012, so I am clearly 100% personally responsible for this one. YOU ARE WELCOME.

Why is Thom famous? Oh yes. There's been some online sniping about Thom's lack of international rugby caps/achievements, which is a bit harsh, given that he had to give up professional rugby after suffering/surviving a horrific on-pitch neck injury, which could have, you know, killed him. After unsuccessful dalliances with Commonwealth sprinting and Kelly Brook (their joint levels of good looks unprocessable by us mere mortals), he opted not to go back to his pre-rugby 'career' of boy banding (click with caution), and turned his full attention to 'fitness modelling'. So he's a famous fitness model, sillies!

Anyway, google at your leisure and marvel at his laughably clichéd good looks (but be wary of some homoerotic pseudo incestuous definite NSFWness from the Dieux du Stade shoot).

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: I notice Natalie Lowe has already removed her hair extensions in anticipation of the acrylic-nails-eye-jab scrap over this one.

Simon Webb

Pop star (boy band branch)

One love for your mother's pride - what a lyric!  It's him out of Blue. More excitingly, I high-fived Simon at Eurovision. Simon appears to have done some sit ups in his time, so at least there'll be a lycra distraction from the excruciating cringe of the man rumba.

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: Ivetamazing's paid her dues. She deserves a good 'un.

Mark Wright

Ugh. They went there.  

Yes, it's Ex-TOWIE meathead and professional tabloid fodder, Mark Wright. I'm guessing the BBC's *completely foolproof* plan is to steal the millions and millions and millions of ITV2 viewers over to Auntie by bringing in someone with the requisite IQ.  But maybe Mark has hidden depths.  I suppose he will be already used to fake tan and shirts unbuttoned to the navel.

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: Teflon Aliona's bound to wangle someone with potential this year, so I hope it's Mark and I can panto-hate the pair of them. (Until they turn out to be adorably charming. The bastards.)

Sunetra Sarker

Her off Casualty

This year's Don't Know The Name But Oh Yeah I DO Know The Face. From that time she used a phone as a pretend defibrillator in some VT or other, she seems fun. That's all I have, I'm afraid.

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: Why not Pasha?  Lovely Pasha.

Jake Wood

Him off the soaps

Baldy Evil Eastender doesn't really narrow it down much, does it? I don't think he's a Mitchell though, based on rudimentary watching at Christmas.

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: Poor Kristina always gets the middle-weights. Why should this year be any different?

Steve Backshall

Nature TV presenter 

Steve's announcement immediately inspired this text from my sister: 

Topless likelihood? High?

Affirmative.

It's like they cast it purely to please us.

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: I'm sure Karen could drum up the requisite enthusiasm about terrifying animals. And pecs.

Scott Mills

DJ

When Mr Cad and I are tired on a long car journey, we keep alert by supplementing caffeine intake with listening to Radio 1 on full blast.  It's 'better' than Red Bull.  Scott Mills is one of the more articulate Radio 1 DJs, but I mainly like him as he's the BBC's Eurovision deputy. So that's two Eurovision connections in this year's Strictly – it's fair to say my excitement levels are set to 'high'.

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: Let's go with Joanne from Grimsby. Newbies usually get a nice ride.

Pixie Lott

Pop star (solo 'artist' branch)

She did that song about Boys and Girls. You know, all the boys, all the girls, la la la something.

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: One of Trent or Tristan, the new, and no doubt initially interchangeable, pro boys.

Caroline Flack

TV presenter

Caroline reportedly shagged a young man named Harry Styles and everyone was shocked and appalled because SHE WAS OLDER THAN HIM. Well done, society. This is apparently one in the face for the X-Factor, who fired her last year.  So let me get this straight... we're trying to seek revenge on an ITV show, for which many Strictly viewers have limited-to-nil interest, by taking on someone they no longer wished to employ, because they - and the viewers - presumably didn't rate them much, so we're taking them on to draw attention to both that other show and the fact that the calibre of celebs this year is 'those who have undergone a sacking'? Way to go, Strictly Producers! Yet another brilliant ploy!

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: One of Trent or Tristan, the new, and no doubt initially interchangeable, pro boys.

Gregg Wallace

Cooking judge

All together now: “DANCING DOESN'T GET ANY TOUGHER THAN THIS”. Greg's the baldy judge from Masterchef who gets divorced a lot. Masterchef is that show that I'm sure I'd enjoy and want to blog at length, but there are already only so many hours and I'm not sure I have time to get sucked in.  Then again, I recently wikipedia-ed each and everyone of the individual Eggheads, so...

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: ¡Manrara! One more year to prove your mettle, Janette, then it's 2015: Ringer year. I'm with you!

Tim Wonnacott

Antique Expert

Antiques Roadshow Dandy. He'll be given kindly compliments about his waltz, the latin will be more of a challenge, and then we will say bye bye.  Not that the show's got formulaic or anything.

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: Ola, no question. After James Jordan's petulant rantathon and Big Brother meltdown "I am the Brad Pitt of the dance worlds", there's no way they're risking her staying longer than Week 1 .

Jennifer Gibney

From Mrs Brown's Boys

Look, I don't watch Mrs Brown's Boys, but I know what it's like to have a Proper Lolz Shameful Comedy Secret: I flippin' LOVE Miranda. Sure, Jennifer Gibney isn't hugely famous, but fame is basically the least most important quality in a Strictly contestant, IMHO. I think this is a sterling line-up and can't wait to see Claudia and Tess manning HMS Strictly without Bruce in sight.  Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, but, well, fuck 'em.

Strictly Cad's wildly inaccurate pro prediction: I actually don't think Jennifer will get Aljaz – that level of manprettiness will probably be reserved for one of the baby poptarts – but he's the only one left and I can't be bothered to rejig now. So why not Team Gibjaz? #teamgibjaz

Tumble Week 1: a (surely one-off) review

I'll be honest - I'm highly dubious about competitive televised celebrity gymnastics. Shameless (and, sure, some not so shameless) fame-seekers trying to pick up a highly specialised skill it takes years to hone and that's if you started at a young age...? Well, we all saw Splash. Actually we didn't - which is my point. 

Still, I lurrrrve watching gymnastics and GB's team members are on a bit of a post-Commonwealth high, so why not trying sticking slebs in lycra and getting them through the BAGA awards. If Your Face Sounds Familar can get commissioned then probably anything is possible. 

Indeed, things kick off VERY promisingly with a flipping good (FLIPPING! GEDDIT?!) group gymnastics routine. It's particularly enjoyable as one male gymnast has been styled in shiny cycling short unitards reminiscent of Miami beach's campest roller bladers, whilst the women are in seventies clown fabric one-armed leotards. The tumbles are rather watchable too. 

Alex Jones is in charge - she arrives from the ceiling on a giant hoop, but has opted for armour in dress form rather than a leotard. She introduces the judges:

Louis Smith, we know. His arms are as Mr Tickle-esque, and his hair as Mr Ridiculous-esque, as ever. 

 Then there's Nadia Comaneci – her of the perfect tens. She's in extra sharpened red heels and a power suit and looks AMAZING. Equally brilliantly, she continually says encouraging things with the delivery of a Bond villain about to kill, making "Good job!"sound like "And now you die." 

We also have circus performer and choreographer to the stars (Cher – so that's bona fide) Sebastian Stella. I zink ee iz Frrrrrrench. He has gigantic arms and, unexpectedly, a wife. 

Finally, Craig Heap is an ex-British gymnast, from when Team GB wasn't such a contender.  Despite being in his, let's say, forties, he has the hairstyle of a McFly member circa 2003. He's been cast as the severe judge for the audience to boo and whilst he generally remembers to use seemingly bitchy similes, for example, likening the contestants' tumbling to washing machines or Blackpool holidays, these always end up being nice comments – for Craig loves washing machines and Blackpool holidays. He scores everyone a 5 to compensate. 

Contestant time. Have we actually heard of our 'celebrity' tumblers? Well, yes, for the most part. We can't even always say that of Strictly. Who are they and how did they fare. Well... Let's do dis. 

By the way, they all have actual gymnasts to perform with, so it's not just a random famous person doing seven roly polys on a mat. 

Amelle of the Sugababes (who everyone is pretending are still a thing) looks like she's come fresh from a Vegas circus show – she's taut and bendy and quite happy to wrap herself around both hoop and gymnast man in shiny leggings and torso. She's excellent.

Is Peter Duncan the ringer? I mean everyone knows the Blue Peter audition requires demonstrating rgymnastic prowess (interviewing someone on a trampoline). His floor routine training VT suggests that his performance will mainly consist of a teeny athletic woman launching herself at him, whilst he vainly tries to catch her, as she careers over his head; culminating in a move called the pigeon. Come showtime, he's managed to learn the art of catching, as well as the art of 'balancing a woman on his head'. He's still to master the cartwheel though. 

Andrea McLean of Loose Women can't spin, which is problematic for a spinning aerial hoop routine. They try to compensate for this by implementing the tried and tested Strictly method of adding in a whole load of “messin' abaht” at the start - attaching a washing line to her hoop and having her start with some laundry. She looks ok once she gets up there though. Disappointingly, her partner Alex is not in demin-look lycra dungarees, as I had first thought, but in a stonewash vest.

H "from Steps" and "from being really, really annoying" meets his partner Holly then announces “and as if that wasn't amazing enough, my coach is called Alex”.  Meeting someone called Alex. Incredible. H is being asked to perform a dance routine and he's not happy about it, which seems odd, given how often he pedalled the Tragedy voguing on national television. Terrifying TV choreographer Karen Bruce gives him a stern onscreen 'pep talk' - it's a shame we didn't get to see the off-screen bollocking, as that would have been way entertaining. More Messin' Abaht, as H and partner (such a shame she's not a Claire) start by flipping burgers - if that's meant to be a kinetic pun than Must Try Harder. H does manage a backwards flip thing (Louis calls it “a round off top back”) and a handstand though, so that is some gymnastics. He also uses Holly's leg to play the guitar – which makes me wonder WHY DIDN'T THEY GET JET FROM GLADIATORS ON THIS?!

The Showmance plotline has been gifted to CBBC actor Bobby Lockwood – and it is being HAMMERED HOME with multiple references to “will they or won't they?” (they won't). The hoop routine is mainly ballad-y music (for the romantic) and excessive red light (for the SEX) just in case the five billion references to enforced chemistry left the viewers in any doubt. The routine does bring about some interesting comparisons though – Louis claims that he was as moved by the performance as he was when winning an Olympic medal (sheezus), whilst Craig compares his Commonwealth career with Nadia's perfect tens. Nadia looks fairly unimpressed – though it could be that she's had work done and has a fairly immovable face.

We then learn that Mr Motivator was supposed to be a contestant, but the show broke him before they reached primetime (noooooo!!!!). The BBC thank him for his service by making him appear in a skintight lycra catsuit of neon pink, yellow and green under his leg cast. *Sad face*

Lucy off of Towie does a floor routine consisting of fake tan and PG tantric sex positions on a sunbed. She's elegant enough and wisely lets her professional take on the actual gymnastics.

Sarah Harding is probably my third or fourth favourite Girl Aloud (it's a tough field out there - Nadine grabbed second when she threw a Twitter hissy fit that *she* didn't want the breakup. Nicola is always first). I can see why Kimberly got the Strictly gig though – Sarah, point your toes, woman! The climax of the routine is Sarah hanging off her partner's neck – which is scary, sure, but probably more of a reflection on his neck strength. Besides, Cheryl (fifth favourite) nailed acrobatic fearlessness on BBC1 prime time when she jumped off a balcony.

I wonder if we'll get Cheryl coming to watch one week. Mwahahahahahahahahadinfinitum,

Some woman from Dynasty who isn't Joan Collins or Stephanie Beecham does some floor work. She starts the routine in a fur coat so long it would rival Princess Diana's train. As for the gymnastics, well, I've sort of stopped concentrating, to be honest. I've also just realised this show is an hour and a half. AN HOUR AND A HALF.  I'm now using the fast forward function on my remote. Expect limited detail from this point. 

Ooooh, I thought boxer Carl Froch might fall off his hoop there, but he managed to stay on. He does seem quite strong though – there's a move where his partner hangs off his knees with her feet, which is up there with the Flavia/Matt mimsy spin from their somewhat amazing Strictly show dance.

They've obviously saved Eastender (and former Rum Tum Tigger) John Partridge to last as he's the best by a country mile – shame most people will have lost the will to care and/or live by this point. It also helps that he has a contortionist for a partner.  Bendy times. 

And that's the lot, fank Gawd. My tip would be to watch til Peter Duncan then stick it on x8 speed til the end. 

The end *is* worth watching though – the male Team England and Scotland Commonwealth gymnasts put on a highly entertaining Better Together routine, where they tumble and spin and pommel and vault their way through, on and around various apparatus, without the pressure of competitive scoring. There's a little bit too much deferring to Louis' pommel skills (amazing, sure) and an unnecessary bow tie jive interlude, but even with that it's the highlight. The best bit is Nile Wilson and Kristian Thomas on the high bar. But I love little Tintin-alike Nile. He just looks so overjoyed to be there. If they promise me Fragapane at some point then I'll be back for this bit. No question. 

Finally, we learn that there will be a vault off next week. Loser leaves. Potential facepalming or arsefallingon? OK. I'll probably watch. (I clearly will.)

My review in a nutshell: Tumble is quite good for the first and last 15 minutes, but like Donna Tartt's The Goldfinch and the big fat yellow Harry Potter (Order of the Phoenix?) it needs some SERIOUS pruning.