Series 12 - 2014 Show and Pro Preview

Out

So it's SEE YA wouldn't wanna BE YA to James Jordan's receding hairline. It's sort of sad to see James go, as I'd picked him out to be my panto Vilani this year, but there's solace in the thought that his Twitter feed will be an amazing source of genuinely bitchy petulance.  He's already started throwing all of his dance toys out of the dance pram.  I imagine it will make Arlene's post-firing marathon tantrum of RTing praise about herself seem like a mild gripe. Prepare for an onslaught of James Jordan fans throwing grammatically dubious versions of 'your' in our Twitter faces.

It's au revoir to Artem's inflatable man pecs too: 'visa problems' (got a job in Merica, innit). It's sad to see Strictly's facially-blessed 3D manchesticals disappear, but we've still got the beauty in Aljaz and the steroid-ed nipple action in Robin, so we can continue to objectify men enjoy the main male aesthetics of Saturday night ballroom dancing prime time. And let's not forget Kevin From Grimsby's glasses.

In

Another From Grimsby no less – Kevin's sister Joanne. (*screams of nepotism!!!!* Oh yes, most morally unsound for Strictly to hire the reigning Ballroom World Champion.)  It's sad that Bruce is leaving just as a name he won't mangle arrives on the scene (NB: IT IS NEVER A SHAME THAT BRUCE IS LEAVING).

Actually, Bruce might well have coped with the name "Tristan McManus", who is newbie #2 and the Man Newbie.  Tristan is Oirish, which is technically foreign, but something tells me the Daily Mail won't be so quick to churn out another 'oooh, they're all foreign dancers on Strictly oooh Britain is DOOMED oooh foreign urgh here's a picture of (foreign) Ola in her pants oooh urgh baaddd' article this time.  Anyway, Tristan seems not-unpretty (which is all we have to judge on, OK?)

Oh and yes – goodbye to Bruce Forsyth. I'll admit that you weren't a terrible captain of HMS Strictly in the early days, but you should probably have walked the plank a little sooner - METAPHORICALLY I MEAN.  I genuinely wish Brucie a happy, relaxing, golf, private tap-dancing and joy-filled retirement - away from our screens.

Back

Natbot Lowe – her leg has been mechanically repaired and my Nats-based hatred has been completely deprogrammed, so I'm cautiously excited about her return.  But let's see whether her NAKED AMBITION chip has been fully disabled, as there's always the risk that the Winning-Versus-Appearing-Lovely settings might get overridden once Natbot starts her necklashwhipping ballroom head spins going- it takes a sturdy fembot control board to survive that kind of pressure.

Teflon Aliona has somehow wiggled her way back into the full time list too. HAHAHA – I'm so impressed by her staying power that maybe I don't even dislike her anymore. (Of course I do.  HELLO OBVZ.)

!!! I've just realised that I completely forgot to add Anya Garnis to the Out list. I think that says it all, sadly. You remember Anya... Partnered Patrick... Did a Chitty Bang Bang number... Looked about fifty on It Takes Two and about twenty years younger on the show... Yes, her!  Sorry Anya.  Am sure Hayley Holt will have some words of comfort for you.  You remember Hayley Holt... Clad Mark Foster's giant chest in mesh material... Um... Um.

Last year's survivors - the women

Hooray for the return of Ivetamazebombz and ¡Janette! ¡Manrara! who I like, even if I am ON MY OWN.  Yes, ¡Janette! is probably back because Hot Aljaž is her boyf, but she dealt with Julien Macdonald last year - and for more than one week. AND she didn't get to go to Florida as compensation.  The BBC totally owe her.

Ola's back too - and Jamesless no less.  Whilst her mortal enemy Karen Hauer will be surrounded by her fiancé-from-Grimsby and her sister-in-law-to-be-from-Grimsby, so Ola had better be on her best behaviour (without James to wind the world up, I'm sure she'll be fine.  Let's not forget the Chris Hollins Lovely Olachops year, eh?).  It's a KEY year for Karen, in my mind. Year 1 was boring Nicky Beigelife. Year 2 was comedy fruitbowl hat Dave Hairybiker. Year 3 will probably seal her TV personality in my mind for at least a decade to come regardless of how she acts in the future. So it's all to play for!

And then there's Poor Kristina Rihanoff.  Oh Poor Lovely Kristina. :-( She's going to get the dud this year, isn't she? And not the 'oh so nice and handsome shame he can't dance' dud, but the real actual 'he's in his sixties, no-one female or gay has really heard of him and he's only doing the show which he's never watched because his agent talked him into it ah well you'll only have to perform in the first week anyway' dud. Hang on in there Rihanoff! You might get to thigh clamp in 2015!

Last year's survivors - the men

Aljaž Skorjanec – so preeeety

Pasha Kovalev – so lovely

Kevin Clifton – so spexy

Robin Windsor – so peccxy

Brendan Cole – so old

Anton du Beke – so very, very old, but at least he's not presenting. PHEW.

Still no...

Katya – BOO. SHAME ON YOU, STRICTLY. SHAME ON YOU.

Hoping for an It Takes Two slot

Ian surely? Unless he's run out of especially long and especially tight trousers.

Erin? She's got a baby these days, so is probably quite delighted not to having to nurse Anton busy. But hopefully she'll pop by with baby in tow for some televisual Ball and Boag squealing.

In charge

And the whole thing will be womanned by TessDressMess and Claudia – YAY TO THAT!

But first, Summer.  So enjoy the three days of sun and the rain on the Bank Holiday Weekend, people.  It will be darker evenings, the lurgy going round and not having to shave your legs every bloody day before we know it. Hooray! 

In the meantime, keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep your money safe – for the sweepstake beckons...