Series 11 – Semi-final

Well, what a rollercoaster year for my £1 – initially dismissed then a brief glimpse of promise followed by a mediocre plateau before an ever increasing hope that, hang on, actually, maybe... maybe...  ahhhh, nope: stark rejection at the final hurdle.  Also, Patrick left the competition.

You may (or probably not) have noticed slight blog delay this week – no it wasn’t grief at losing my £1, but more like, you know, LIFE.  Christmas is a time of … well just having shitloads of stuff to do* at the same time that everyone else has shitloads of stuff to do* and we all get in the way of each other's shitloads whilst eating our bodyweight in chocolate coins and mincepies, even though you'd think the sugar high would power us on.

(*For example, Mr Cad has been threatening that he's going to “WIN CHRISTMAS” such is the high quality of his gift offerings.  Like I'm not going to rise to THAT challenge.  Anyway, I'll be the last one laughing - I have a LOT of Boots Advantage points to use up, oh yes...)

ANYWAY, all that time-wasting to say, I'm sort of speed blogging this week.  Handy headings, all content, no style.  (“What's changed, etc etc, boom boom...”)  Here we go!

Bye bye: Patrick and Anya.  Anya can stay for 2014, please.  She seems adorable and she has her partner's back - literally, in fact, by giving Patrick tails, to conceal his booty in the waltz.  Arguably that successful look was subsequently offset by the not-entirely-authentic purple décor of his paso jacket (still I suppose there will be some fans), but Patrick still managed to bring the macho, sort of.  Also, whoever was responsible for setting a paso to Because The Night: PAY RISE.

So, fare thee well, Patrick. I’m not sure how much I’d have paid attention if there hadn’t been gambling involved, but he was a fine dancer and seemed a nice, if serious, man.  In the end though, he was a mite too boring for a prime time popularity contest - Strictly loves a panto luvvie, but a luvvie luvvie... Well that's just a bit too intense.

Dance-off: Natalie and Artem in shocker-that-wasn’t-really-a-shocker shock!  Mainly I can’t believe that Artem donning Ian's Legendary Red Trousers wasn't enough to keep them safe - mind you, nor was BEING AMAZING.   My only gripe - it was just a little too controlled and I'm not quite convinced of the chemistry.   The salsa too was a little bit clinical, but I live for fringing - beautifully matched with the Gumede hair. And my, what spinning action!  Artem's Sexy Chef look, though? Not so much.

Bruno’s on the turn: Here’s how attractive Abbey and Aljaz are - she samba-ed in a giant turquoise Fraggle Rock hem, he American Smoothed in a frilly blouse and tie, and yet they still managed to look divine.  It’s inhuman.  Weren't they good?  Yes, they were.  Guess we can move on then!

More oomph please vicar: Sophie and Brendan.  So now I’m dreaming of an episode on next year's The Apprentice where they have to market a ballroom dancing competition.  Imagine the board room!   IMAGINE THE ADVERT!  Sophie’s paso started off strong, but then it sort of dipped for me. And I'm honest, I think it's the dress that really inspired the standing ovation - sweet mother of sewing, that was a triumph in backless blue.   In fact, the American Smooth was all about the dress too - and that lift where Brendan swung her by her armpits and she smiled sweetly through the obvious pain.  I love Sophie as a person (well, as the media projection of a person that we see through the safety of an edit), but I'm not 100% sold on her dancing.  If she’s still here, it’s down to her Week 2 charleston - but for a dance to have that kind of power, even ten weeks later, is preeeeety impressive, so I’m ok with it really – and looking forward to seeing it again.  Bring on the glitter champagne!

Lucky escape (again again again): Kevin: “Here's our plan of action, Susanna.  The foxtrot is looking quite good but, just to be on the safe side, I'll get the Kev from Grimsby spexy specs out.  Twitter LOVES them, so it will totally lull everyone into a false sense of lust and security.  THEN when we get to the hot mess that is our salsa, we’ll bedazzle the audience outfits of shiny peach neon - they'll be too blinded to see too well and will assume that that dance was as good as the first one. BOOM! FINAL!”  Well... it worked. The weakest couple of the night, but infectious energy, so I can understand their popularity. 

Pro-dances: #1. Jaunty Kill Bill meets Young Paul Daniels (Anton in canary yellow satin and pork pie hat - MY EYES!!!). 

#2. Artem once again tries to break Aliona’s neck to music – this time in front of Celine Dion (Now imagine the all-mighty pro-cat fight there would have been to front a Dion number.  I KNOW!  Swingathon violence, I'm reckoning.  No wonder Kristina was looking pouty.)

#3. A terrifyingly bendy exhibition show dance.  That was one brave lady-dancer - not only was she basically supporting a bulk of neck-less man muscle by her teeny neck, but her lacey leggings were unquestionably the tackiest the BBC has ever seen.  Not even Ola Jordan would dare go there.  Nor would Primark.  Maybe.

Tessdressmess: Saturday: acceptable black with prison bar neckline.  Sunday: horrific white belted satin sheets over candy crush saga sleeves.  One again, the rise and the fall, all in the space of a weekend.  At least the boob hoik is still working.  Come on TessTess - you've got this.

Bruce: WHY? WWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYY???

Also of note: Shout out to the audience member who made her own fuchsia sequinned cape for the show.  Horrible.  BUT RESPECT.

Next time: THE FINAL. When all is said and done.... Team Natalie.  But I’d be happy with an Abbey win.  In the meantime, brace yourselves for the showdances.  You know the drill by now – nothing ever lives up to that much hype.  I mean, I didn’t even like Tom Chambers’ gurn and tapdance, and that’s supposed to be the ultimate!  And at the other end of the scale, there’s an Erin puppet show (too sad to link to) and Lisa Snowden being bundled around in a leotard, so you can see why my expectations are LOW.  Then again, why not keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep hoping.