Right
then, shall we cast our minds back to Halloween Week (a chore, I
know)? Cue rubbish ghosty noise. And cue goodbye to Sid and Ola.
Remember when I so wisely asked you to mark my words that Team Sola
would be with us til Wembley? Well, I can now officially reveal that
I was only saying that to instill some extra suspense into proceedings
and I *totally* knew they'd always be out early doors. Totally
knew it. By the way, a propos of nothing, and in no way trying to
tempt fate, Fern's definitely going to win this thing and Denise is
bound to be out super soon. Fo' sho'.
I
feel sorry for Rickaay and Ola (and Justine who's lost her £1), as
they had to face tough circumstances this week with Ola (entirely
understandably) heading off to Poland to see her mum who had taken
ill. Supply Pro Iveta stepped in to cover training - even channeling her best lady-Jordan by rehearsing in a one-armed animal print
catsuit, but it just goes to show how important practising with your
actual partner is, because when Ola returned for the live show, Sola weren't quite clicking with the routine and fell pretty flat.
Mind you, I also got the
impression (falsely? unfairly?) that Sid Owen could also be a slightly
petulant, perhaps even sulky fellow - a little reticent about the
nature/music/concept of his recent dances (Rock Tango and
Ghostbusters Cha Cha), who had some trouble throwing all his effort
and enthusiasm behind what he was doing... In his defence, I also
think theme weeks are a pile of gimmicky old stink and two in a row
seemed zap the sass out of the Strictly gang. Well, except Vinthent, utterly delighted with his platinum Beatles wig – and who wouldn't be? (Clue:
anyone with half an eye for hair-likeless, who has current knowledge
of a current BBC scandal.)
Whilst I can imagine that it might be fairly hard to cha cha chaaaar
to the Ghostbusters tune, when the natural instinct is to freestyle it wedding disco, I still felt that just donning jumpsuits and waving
guns around for ninety seconds was an especially poor show. Arguably, the outfits themselves were also a bit of a handicap, as they were
rubs; and after last week's 'sweat glitter' colour scheme, was it
really fair to ask Sid to try and bring sexy back wearing beige? The nation's men-folk may disagree, but I thought that even Ola struggled in her outfit – and if Ola Jordan is
having trouble carrying off romper shorts, then what hope is there for
the rest of us? Mind you, what's the point in hoping to pull off a
hideous beige playsuit in the first place? NO TESS NO – IT WAS
JUST A RHETORICAL QUESTION BASED ON HOW SELF-EVIDENTLY VILE SUCH AN
ITEM WOULD BE.
Let's
hurry on, shall we?
I
suppose it's not uncommon for middle-aged men attempting latin to
come a cropper on Strictly, but I felt like Sid and his dance-off
opponent Colin had/have far more potential than many of our previous
contestants (Gary Rhodes Bum Bongo), so it was quite harsh to see them both in the bottom two. But they didn't really up their game this week, whereas others did.
And although Colin's lifts were pretty good and his latin dancing wasn't
so bad (or dad), his salsa did lack the sexy/dirty YAH Merlin/Gandalf/Harry
Potter we'd been promised (although, on balance, that isn't
necessarily a bad thing). I think the main trouble was that he just
looked a bit worried throughout. Maybe he thought he'd left his hair dryer
plugged in at home. Oh hang on...
Anyway,
although I might have had trouble calling the bottom two, we did get an insight into what the producers think about
the celebs' overall chances for the series. During the opening Halloween group dance, it was Louis, Kimba, Lisa and (interestingly) Dani who were
pushed to the front of the zombie dance troop for some Thriller ballroom (Van Jam can't have
been too chuffed). Meanwhile, Sid and Colin and poor Fern were excused
from part of their dance troop duties and were shunted behind the
judges' desk, forced to don ridiculous false vamp gnashers and
administer air-love-bites to Bruno et al. (Fern tactically went for head
judge Len, whilst Darcey got the jackpot of Artem vamp-pawing her.
I quite enjoyed the group dance actually - the whole thing was surprisingly
slick and unshambolic. But best of all, we can all claim extra Natbot bingo points, as she did her classic
'finish the last pose slightly after everyone else, so that ALL EYES
ARE ON MEEEEEEE' move. (Erm, don't tell anyone, but I'm starting to love
Natbot.)
And so began Halloween week. Were we terrified much? Well, no, not really. But there were two things that freaked me out
unnecessarily - firstly, Bruce doing Gangnam Style. ARGH! JUST NO!
Can whoever is putting all this yoof stuff in Bruce's script please
be immediately fired? (Ideally that would be Bruce himself *crosses everything*) After seeing his giddy-up attempts, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to enjoy the Psy horsey dance again - and that's truly truly sad. (You may define
'sad' as you wish.)
As
for the second truly scary moment, well it feels like blasphemy,
travesty and sacrilege to say it, but say it, I must – Claudia
Winkleman's horrible Sunday outfit. *hangs
head in shame*
It's a sad and unexpected day when la Daly is the better dressed one,
but Tess' Sunday LBD with sequined handprints on the knockers and added glitterboob detail was still preferable to Claude's gothic
granny curtain over full length black body stocking. It looked fine
when la Winkles was sitting down, with the leggings/sheer skirt combo
hidden, and the outfit became disguised as a funky dress, but really, the
overall effect was my greatest fear realised – somehow, somehow,
Claudia had been dressed by Tess' stylist. A whole world of no.
But I still love you Claude, so let us move on quickly. I'm even
going to praise Tess' Saturday dress - she looked rather slinky in
shiny olive, although the boob window decolletage pretty much
epitomised the French saying 'il y'a du monde au balcon'. (Literal
translation: 'there's a crowd on the balcony'. Actual meaning: 'she
has humongous knick-knocks'). But don't fear TessMessDress fans - I'm sure she'll frock things up next week! And in the meantime, we can all
have a bitchy chuckle at this Daily Mirror article entitled “How to dress to impress! Tess Daly's red carpet style guide”.
One
thing that certainly DID NOT IMPRESS were the Halloween VTs – just
AWFUL. Although I did quite enjoy listening to Vinthent say how he
was dancing with a dog again this week – there was enough of a
pause before he mentioned Scooby Doo for us to momentarily all think he was on
about Dani. It turns out that while the Scooby Doo theme itself is
pretty awesome as a 20 second TV theme, it's a bit of a stretch
over a minute and a half, so it wasn't ideal for Dani and Vinth to
have to do a whole dance to it. Mind you, I probably needed at least
a minute to laugh at the costumes – primarily at Vinthent's mop wig
OBVIOUSLY, but also how wardrobe had turned Dani into 'Sexy
Velma', sexing up geeky ghost hunting by matching NHS specs and orange
knee highs, with stiletto dance sandals and a bum frill skirt-belt.
The Sexy Velma just goes to prove what I've long since known - the most hilarious
fancy dress is always an attempt to sex up the unsexable. By way of
example, please let me share my all-time favourite 'Sexy' Fancy Dress
outfit, which I spotted a few years ago as I dodged my way down the Bristol
waterfront on a Saturday night and had the very good fortune to
come across a young lady dressed as 'Sexy
Where's Wally'.
Yes,
people, that's 'Sexy Where's Wally'. And for
those of you intrigued/inspired, the outfit requires stilettos, blue
thigh high socks, stripy vest and pants (key point: no trousers),
accessorised with round glasses, 'sexy' booble hat and 17 pints of
cider. Pure Bristolian class.
Given that context, I suppose that, on balance, I was slightly let down by the lack of
comedy dress-up in general terms, and especially from Denise and
James - doing a Superfreak cha cha in talc and zebra print (mind you, those
trews could be yet another contender for the Best Strictly Trousers
poll). At first, I half-hoped that Denise was going to do the wildly inappropriate Little Miss Sunshine
dance, but turns out they were going for a half-hearted circus freak theme,
with some minimal cage action and no bearded lady (what a wasted
opportunity for Strictly's excellent wig master). Their dance was
ok, if nervous and a little safe, but I think I was always going to
be disappointed because of the music; Superfreak is a
fine song, but I can't listen to it without wanting to shout “You Can't Touch
This” and “Stop! Hammer Time!” throughout and not-so-secretly
wishing it was MC Hammer I was listening to...
Wow. THERE'S a Halloween outfit
with amazing potential: 'Sexy MC Hammer'! I'm thinking gold hareem
chaps, Richard Arnold's bolero jacket and some braces over the nipples. Not for me, OBVIOUSLY...
Richard sported his bolero very well though, I thought. And Erin must have been glad to direct the camp into flamboyant drama this week, pasoing to the X-Factor Results Music. She had also
whiplashed out her mascara brush and smeared it all over Richard's face, so not only
was she PLAYING his beard, he also HAD one! OH HO HO HO! (Geddit? It's a thinker...)
Their performance had all the paso hallmarks - stamping, pouting,
frowning, gurning, olé-ing, knicker-flashing and cape-swirling. It
wasn't quite the testosterone macho-fest she produced for Austin Healey but I enjoyed it immensely.
I
also enjoyed Lisa and Robin's charleston, though, for me, it didn't
quite have the perk we've seen from them in previous weeks – Robin
looked a bit manic, which made Lisa look (comparatively) a bit
knackered, but her timing was still excellent and they (sort of) put
some swimming in there (arguably it was more of a sexually
adventurous dry hump, but this is still supposed to be a family
show), so I'm still feeling the Team Ri-Ro love. Also Lisa was
wearing lime green spider fishnets, which is a tough look for even the slenderest of legs, but she fully committed and made it work. However, I'm
disappointed Robin wasn't wearing a matching top – it's been at
least, what, a week(?) since we saw the Windsor bod in skintight
patterned chiffon and lime green spider web would have been a total
Halloween treat.
I
don't want to discriminate, mind, and would have also happily accepted
Artem in lime green chiffon – though I suppose the perveometer was
still ring-a-dinging for his and Fern's American Smooth, as he rocked
bare chest with cropped PVC waistcoat and pleather evening gloves.
(I'm thinking Sexy Gendry from Game of Thrones - although the 'Sexy'
pre-fix is a total given. I mean, if there's a word to describe
Game of Thrones... actually, it would be 'FILTH').
Dance-wise, Team Fartem mainly American Faffed, in spite
of their lifts. Cue a word of warning: they're going to have to sort
the wheat from the faff before too long though, or Len's wick will be
making an unwelcome appearance.
Len's wick was kept in check for our
two late bloomers, Nicky Westlife and Victoria Pendleton, who were both
tango-ing - and it seemed to suit them pretty well. Nicky
and Karen went for a tango to Weird Science, which – if memory
serves – is that film where two adolescent geeks grow a woman with
giant boobs. Nicky played the role of the white besuited wine waiter
in nerd glasses, which is not a scene I remember, but I'm rubbish
with recalling film plots.
Brendan
and Victoria did a White Wedding tango, complete with zombie altar,
zombie wedding dress and crazed zombie-doll eyelashes, which looked
AWESOME and clearly gave Vic the confidence she needed to dance a quite a stormer! Sure, it was a
shunted-around-by-Brendan-with-a-messy-foot-mistake-that-was-subsequently-totally-overscored stormer, but it was good to see her recover from an error and get back into the
stomping without Pendle-tears. And I really loved the concept –
but Billy Idol and Strictly is a pairing that has serious form.
However,
the biggest surprise was Michael's quality quickstep – errrr WHERE
DID THAT COME FROM?!!! I'll tell you where – the chip in Natbot's
circuitboard that allows her to entirely circumvent processing the
theme week ruling and just do her own thing. In your FACE, theme weeks. Talking
of face – what was going on with Michael's graffiti ringmaster's
moustache? The make-up department must have been a little peeved –
after a series of impressively weirdly and wonderfully made-up faces,
out comes Michael decorated with wonky magic marker. I'm guessing
James Jordan pranked it on whilst Michael was having a snooze. At least that
would explain why wardrobe furiously dressed James as a zebra-legged fawn with a
serious cocaine habit.
Again,
we got the two best dances saved til last, which was highly needed,
as Michael’s joyous quickstep aside, it was generally a rather
lacklustre evening. But things picked right on up with main
contenders Louis and Kimberley - though they were certainly 'lucky' to
have avoided a party dance like the cha cha, which meshes less well
with Halloween week than dramatic, moody dances like the
tango and paso doble.
And because of that, Louis'
seriousconcentrationface worked perfectly this week, especially as he was also playing a zombie - and quite comedically, no less. I suppose it also helps that he has excellent
posture, speedy feet and innate hotness, as well as the ability to
throw a flip in there to spice things up - even if he did naughtily
cancan higher than our Flavs, tut tut. The judges excitedly threw a
whole load of nines at him, which was fiercely debated in our house,
as whilst it was GOOD, we weren't sure it was NINE-GOOD.
What
was certain chez Strictlycad was that if it was nine-good, then, in
that case, Kimba's paso was also nine-good and she woz totes robbed,
in comparison. Obviously Kimberley and Pasha started with some
natural advantages – her arm placement and pout, but who could also ignore the specialness of Pasha's were-wolverine bum-fluff
and Kimberley's fire hazard nylon wig? I'm fairly sure the whole
thing bore little relation to the original Red Riding Hood - for
starters Kimba was wearing belly dancer turquoise and there was no grandmother (a
missed opportunity for Anton to make his second cameo of the night),
but it was still probably my favourite dance of the evening.
There
was also a classic moment up in the balcony, post-paso, when Tess outright asked Kimba if Pasha could do sex with Girls Aloud on stage. I'm
fairly sure that wasn't what Tess meant to say, but it seems to have
made the replay, if you fancy a listen. Anyway, Kimba didn't comment
on publicly group-sexing Pasha, but I've got tickets for the Girls
Aloud tour (THANKS BETH), so will report back in 2013.
Sunday's
pro-dance was a mildly entertaining Versailles Eyes Wide Shut Britney tribute, in which
Vinthent had relinquished his yellow wig for a pussy bow. As for the
musical guest – Paloma Faith may have missed a trick by not letting
Lisa and Robin do their slightly insane waltz to her INXS cover, but
seeing as she was part of It Takes Two's most random but GREATEST
EVER FRIDAY PANEL (with Larry Lamb and the ever wonderful Mel Giedroyc)
and had much hilarious 'insightful' commentary to share with Zoe and the
gang, I won't hear a single bad word about her foghorn volume,
backcombed cocktail gingfro or 'Sexy' Skeleton dancers.
Well,
I'll be honest, I'm glad the themery is on hold for now - I had
trouble getting excited about the general proceedings during
Halloween Saturday (not least because it was DAYS away from actual
Halloween) and the 'scary' make-up and frightening wiggery only went
so far to combat the feeling of 'meh' about the dancing itself. Still, at least things picked up towards the end. But let's hope the
SCD prod lot were over-themed too and have taken notes about what
happens when you shoehorn in too much concept and not enough
daahhhhnce, darling. Anyway, all back to normal for week 5 – which
is good, as I'm sure they've used all the Strictly talc and contact
lens supplies for this year.
Anyway, please excuse me as I head back under my blanket for a coughing fit. I'll keep mainlining berocca, and you keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
healthy now.
No comments:
Post a Comment