Series 9 - The Final

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Series 9 - Semi Final

WHAT A BLINDER!!!! Ye Gods – what a show!  And, for me, the right result for the final.  Alex’s departure at this stage was inevitable, of course – a forgone conclusion up against the four gladiators.  Even the judges hinted at it with their constant mantra of "You deserve to be in the semi-final, Alex" and its a blearing subtext: "You ain't gonna make the final, Alex.  I suppose we should commend Tess for resisting actually saying it out loud to Alex's face, as is her usual wont.

Still Alex was popular and in amongst another set of celebs, it's possible (well, not impossible) that she might have had a chance of making it - say, if there had been a less likeable and better dancer on the scene (*coughRickyNipplecough*).  But this series the audience doesn’t seem to have felt any obvious mass antagonism towards a particular member of the final five, and so it was dance ability that was genuinely being tested this time.  Because of that, I’d love to say that Alex went out on a total dance high, but I’m not sure she quite managed to pull out her finest performances - she looked a bit nervous and stiff during her waltz, although I imagine she was grateful that they at least cut her dress so that the puffy ballroom skirt was well off the floor and avoided heel catch danger. 

As for that salsa....  Um.  Er.  Ahem.  Well, I think I’ll first gloss over the random broom and sweeping at the start, in the same way that I attempted to ignore that eerie cheerleader James doll a few weeks back.  (Please stop being weird and experimental, James Jordan – no-one wants a repeat of Aliona’s wellies’n’birdwatching cha cha dud)  Though I will say this on the outfit: if you're opting for what looks like a flasher's mac, it's probably best to avoid a massive pink feather clump poking through the front slit (exactly level with one's lady area) and a fart-like clump of pink feathers peaking out the back.  Once her dress was revealed in full, I was rather taken with it (a bejewelled bodice and Nancy’s reincarnated boa hemming a flared skirt, what’s not to like?), but the salsa itself was less impressive, sadly.  It wasn't all bad - it was fun and fearless, as well as messy and erratic; think wedding disco at 3am.  And who doesn't love a wedding disco at 3am?  Indeed, it’s one of the few other occasions where you might be fortunate enough to hear to some Gloria Estefan (full name Gloria Maria Milagrosa Fajoardo Garcia de Estefan.  HELL YES - and let's not forget The Miami Sound Machine).  J-Lo ain't NOTHING on G-Fan.  

*interlude whilst Strictlycad scuttles off to listen to Dr Beat*

But not even Gloria could help her in the end - bye bye Alex.  Your departure has reduced my household’s sweepstake chances by 50%, but you were clearly the Most Improved Celeb and I’ve also been delighted to discover that you’re not the vapid dimwit I first thought (shame on me), but are a quirky, funny, adorable, lovely weirdo.  Well done.

Although Alex was always going to be out at this stage, after last week, and the Valance paso, I couldn't have called it between Holly and Jason.  After this week's Saturday show, however, and *that* Argentine Tango (more on that later, don’t you worry), I did think J-Don'd edge it.  Still, I didn’t discount Holly (and Justine's £1) until the votes were announced – that paso remains amazing, and any initial anti-pretty envy from a largely female audience dimmed rather quickly when she turned out to be nothing like the pop starlet cliché we might have imagined, but rather smart, cool and understated.

Mind you, not everyone got over their bitter seething jealousy of La Valance – never have I seen wardrobe devote such a consistent array of VILE to just one person.  And she just took it!  What a heroine! This week, against the odds, Holly coped admirably with that ‘challenging’ Spanx-less neon-scarlet lycra Argentine Tango dress, and didn't do a bad job of the dance, even though she looked a little like she'd rather stay sitting on that bar stool, with a cosmo in hand, than actually carry on tango-ing.  

However, nothing, but NOTHING, could have prepared me for Outfit # 2: those truly heinous high-waisted Charleston shorts. BEYOND HORRIBLE!!!!  JUST... WHY?!!  I could barely watch Holly's performance, as the cut of those shorts upset me so much.  Truly, they were worst thing I have ever seen on Strictly.  And that includes ALL of TessDressMess, the Gary Rhodes/Karen Hardy bum bongo, Ann Widdecombe and her discernable love for Anton, Erin's Fraggle Rock tango outfit, and Bruce.

If it hadn't been for those perplexing shorts of hideousness (which I’m sure explained why she didn’t really look as though she knew what she was doing), I think I'd probably have really enjoyed their modern charleston.  But as it was, my favourite bit was the end, when the shorts were safely hidden behind the decks and Artem couldn't get his headphones on.  Most chucklesome.

Also chucklesome – Donovan’s chest hair encased in salmon satin lycra and sequinned go faster flames; how very Pimp My Shirt.  I could not for the life of me spot his timing error (but if all four judges did, then I suppose I must concede that he was a little off), perhaps as I was too busy being impressed by the fact that I was watching a male middle-aged samba that DID NOT MAKE ME CRINGE!!!  Most incredible. 

Also incredible – Kristina: sporting big white disco hair, with a jewel-encrusted disco bra and giant pink disco frill, held together by hope, prayer and three strips of sequined knicker elastic.

And then... *deep breath* ...there was their Argentine Tango.

Which was, well... quite something, don’t you think?

Yes, me too...

You know, I've always found it a little odd that Alesha didn't show any outward signs of fancying Jason - even though she is the EXACT age to have experienced the same Scott Robinson twinges the rest of us did.  However, his Argentine Tango finally jogged her memory, and she twinged with the rest of us.  What a fantastic performance – building, brooding, tense, powerful, passionate, beautifully danced, beautifully choreographed, beautifully everything.  And what a way to deal with the last dance saloon!   If it had been directly up against Holly’s paso, then there might have been more of a fight, but as it was, I think there’d have been outrage if J-Don hadn’t made it through.  It was the dance of the series so far – and arguably, contraversially, up there with the Karen/Ramps Goldeneye AT.

Question: which outfit was more naked?  Kristina’s lace tango leotard or Aliona’s sailor bikini?  Either way, dads rejoice.  And was anyone even looking at Harry in his shiny navy outfit?  (YES, chorus Britain’s gays and gals.)  I did think Harry looked more like a pilot than a naval officer, but am sure the population of uniformdating.com were delighted either way.

There is no doubt that Harry is a truly excellent dancer (“drummer in 'has rhythm' shocker!”), but (don’t hate me) I wasn't entirely charmed by his charleston...  In a way, the charleston is a dance where being too able can sort of count against you - if you look too polished and taut (and if there's two words to describe Harry and Aliona...), then the jelly-legged quirk'n'gurn doesn't always shine through and it doesn’t feel so charleston-y.  (An exception would probably be Ali Bastian and her dislocated rubber-limbed, high kicks cracker.)  The charleston is a PERSONALITY! dance, and as sweetly charming as Harry is, he's not quite got the cheekiness of someone like Chris Hollins (BTW that's your cue to take another look at Cola's charleston - just wonderful) and for me Harry was too precise - though I loved the swing jazz bits where he threw Aliona around, and there's no doubt that he's the main contender to win.  His ballroom talent was clearly on show throughout his Viennese waltz, where he was essentially robbed of a 40, because Craig said one of his eyelashes was curled in a slightly wonky direction or something.  

But DEAR GOD!  I do find waltzes (Viennese or other) boring.  Even Aliona's gorgeous mint dress didn't hold my attention for long.

I quite liked Chelsee American Smooth dress too - wardrobe seem to be improving on bosom scaffolding, with the supportive sky blue gauze and sequined bra straps working a treat.  Although I thought Chelsee looked nervous and she had a wee wobble on that “splitty thing” (to quote Len) it was still a lovely performance - well done Chelsehhh!  (Mind you, it’s not the best dance I’ve ever seen to Time After Time – that honour is reserved for Romy, Michele and Sandy Frink (don't miss the amazing lift at 1.18).

As for her Pasha doble, I was with the judges - brilliant stuff!  And although the Twittersphere didn't much like Chelsee's paso, I bloody did – very exciting to watch and yay for our first 40!  Her dress was less of a triumph; all that criss cross detail on the dress just made me think of boxing gloves and wrestling boots – hardly the way to conjure up the bull fight and Latin ardour.

Although Chelsee’s sometimes struggled to portray some emotional states required by her dance (her failure to successfully pretend to fancy Pasha will forever remain a mystery), she showed genuinely excellent acting chops as a Groucho Marx handyman in her VT: ““Maintenance, come to check your lights, mate.”  HOW I LAUGHED!  Truly!   Although the VTs have been (fairly) slated, for being a cheesy, embarrassing, cringeworthy waste of time, I have to say there have been one or two GEMS which have tipped the balance for me.  Besides, let's look on the positive - that terrible Famous Five one had a real practical benefit: I fancied some halloumi and I have ample time to slice and fry it without missing anything of note.  It was delicious, thanks for asking.

Less delicious... oh indeed – TessDressMess time.  So having discovered the concept of bras that can happily wrangle one's breasts towards Pert City and don't let them hang south towards Midriff Village, Tess has clearly decided to start experimenting with her bra purchases - Holy Push-Up, Batman!  Corsetry in action.  From neck to mid thigh, Saturday's dress was fine, if booby, but of course, fine isn't good enough for Tess – not when awful is available!  And lo, she decided to hang a chiffon curtain around her waist. Mini skirt + see-through full length overskirt = just no.  That look (essentially a variation on the mullet dress) is as incomprehensible to me as jumpsuits; it looks awful and yet all the kids are doing it.  Seriously Tess, why not rip that chiffon off and just get your super lengthy, toned leggies out?  Is it cause you couldn't be arsed to shave?  If so, that's fine – may I suggest tights?

In fact, it was all a bit déjà vu on Sunday; the top looked fine (a million red sequins - very Strictly, very festive) and then the camera panned down and woah! a blood sequin flared maxi dress.  ARGH!  TOO MUCH!  A neat slice at the knee – that's all I ask, Tess!  (It’s too much to ask though, clearly.)

And then, well that was pretty much that – apart from a porny showdance and a chiffon-based variation on the maypole.  Oh and Natalie and Brendan trying SO HARD to be the best that I was convinced throughout that we’d see a chronic groin strain happen live on the telly.  But they seemed to make it through unscathed - unlike the rest of us.  Sometimes less is more, people.

Next week – THE FINAL!  Please add “excruciating ‘comedy’ VT of the coach trip up to Blackpool” to your bingo cards, cause YOU KNOW it’s gonna happen.  Oh, and you might also want to mentally prepare yourselves for the rejects’ group dance and the return of Dell’Olio.  And then, let the final three and their Russian pros fight it out.  Who will win?  Obviously I'm contractually obliged to support my sweepstake horse Jason (££).  But although I think Harry will edge it with the voting audience, my heart belongs to Chelsee. Healey for the win!

Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep voting!

Series 9 - Week 10

It’s getting tough now right?  That emotional time when we have to say goodbye to some seriously popular couples.  And so, we bid farewell to Robbie and Ola – the dads of Britain sigh, and wonder how they’ll make it to Christmas without the comforting thought that at least she might be wearing her catsuit this week... 

I’m sad to see them go - I have to admit that the Robbie Savage reinvention PR exercise completely won me over.   I realise that football fans may well beg to differ, based on years and years of seeing Robbie (so I’m told) behave like an oafish, arrogant, aggressive, not-even-that-good, childish $&%£#^$ on the pitch (which makes him different to most other players how, I wonder?), but for Strictly fans he will be the enthusiastic, courteous, pretty charming family guy, who always put the effort into learning the dances and performing them with gusto, and who certainly progressed beyond his initial portrayal as the New Gavin Henson – sportsman, Welsh, vain and obsessed with his own hair.  Yes, Robbie was a little tits and teeth, and was certainly proud of his gleaming blond locks (possibly not 100% natural), but was able (or at least willing) to have his barnet mocked on a regular basis – getting it styled into a beehive on It Takes Two or, this week, having a hair tool stand-off with Ola, in what has to be my all-time favourite pre-dance VT – the Tarantino meets Hairspray spoof.  Highly aces.  (And, moreover, seeing as so much Tarantino is a tribute to/pastiche of other films and film genres, there’s some serious inter-textuality going on there – funny AND intellectual. Well, that’s Strictly for you.)

As for the Reservoir Dogs Quickstep - a concept I loved, if lacking in gratuitous cartoon violence - well, I’m not even sure it was the weakest dance (I found Alex disappointing and over-marked, but more on that later, viewers).  However, Robbie was, for me, the weakest dancer left, so I think it was right for him to leave on Sunday. Sorry Beth, that £14 sweepstake pot must feel so near, but yet so far – though you won’t be surprised by Robbie’s not-so-savage exit.  (But please come back next year – surely they won’t be able to find a third hair-obsessed, vain, Welsh sportsman to take part?!)

Let’s just hope that it wasn’t down to lack of flesh, because I thought Ola looked completely incredible in that suit.  Unsurprisingly though, Sir Bruce Pervesythe commented no less than twice that Ola was overdressed and needed to get naked again next week (well, he didn’t actually say the second bit, but he was obviously thinking it).  We get it Bruce, you want to see lady flesh.  Well, I want to see Robin flesh, but sometimes Strictly, just like life, isn’t forthcoming, OK?  Let’s let Ola have a week where she can forgo her waxing appointment, eh?  That doesn’t seem too much to cope with.

However, something I DID have trouble coping with – my sweepstakee Jason Donovan in the Bottom Two!  (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!etc).  Are you SERIOUS, the Great British Public?!!! Kristina and Jason were BLOODY AWESOME this week!!!!  Bias aside, I (for one – huh!) really enjoyed their Singing In The Rain American Smooth – it was charming and sweet and well-danced and – most amazingly of all - Jason didn’t make any obvious mistakes!  I’ll concede that it might not have been the best dance of the night, but it was still fantastic, and I’m a bit peeved that Alesha, who is hardly restrained when it comes to high paddle action, couldn’t get her ten out for that.

Anyway, Jason’s Bottom Two clearly proves that opening an umbrella indoors is unlucky.  (Though I can’t say I’ve noticed Rihanna’s career suffering - apart from the minor embarrassment of getting publically told off by a Northern Irish farmer for stripping in his field, I suppose.)  It's an interesting one - J-Don is probably the most famous one left, but at this stage, that matters less.  I think the main problem is that Jason is a little too, well... intense, and I suspect that the women-of-a-certain-age who had such warm memories of his Neighbours mullet and Especially-For-You Kylie days are finding that intensity, well... confusing.  Jason is, let’s face it, a teeny bit weird.  OBVIOUSLY, I’m backing my sweepstake ALL THE WAY, but maybe we have could one or two fewer quotes from the Donovan Book of Self Help Cliché Nonsense.  (If I wanted Bog Standard Common Sense disguised as Deep Philosophical Metaphorical Intellectual Meditation I’d read some Paulo Coelho.)

However, let us (well, me) rejoice that Jason made it though.  Tess seemed particularly pleased – as Isabelle noticed, she said she wanted Jason to get a semi.  (Err, you mean, to get TO the semi, no, Tess?)  Women of a certain age...

So, Confession Time (no no NO, nothing to do with Jason and semis): I have no patience and every week I look at the Strictly spoiler on Digital Spy, as I can't possibly wait a second longer than necessary to know whether my pound is still safe.  (NB: I would NEVER share that info in advance – that’s an act which should be punishable by being taken outside by that complete tossknob Jeremy Clarkson and being shot, relatives optional.)  It's usually a fairly straightforward affair, with a tried and tested source (clearly a BBC employee) posting the correct information online.  But this week, online trolling abounded – and the forums were all aghast to hear (incorrectly as we now know) that it was Alex Jones who had gone.  (Even the bookies fell for it!)  And when I read the ‘Alex Has Gone’ rumour I was sad to think that she was leaving before Robbie – they both confounded my expectations (based on my quick fire first impression judgements of their media personalities) and they both improved throughout, but I do think Alex has the edge overall.  However, I was really disappointed with her and James’ Pretty Woman American Smooth – not because of the heel in dress problem (sympathy all the way), but because it just wasn’t very sparky or confident, though I did read after the show that she was actually dancing on an injury, which explains the judges’ generosity and her lack of pizzazz.  Mind you, that scarlet dress was properly pizzazzy – to use the technical fashion term.  Seriously... WANT.  Oh you want that dress too, do you?  Well, join the queue, bitches.

However, I won’t be queuing for Aliona’s big pants and white chiffon culottes – not the best look, though she still managed to look slim and slinky, even though my main memories of the Maid Marian look are heavy velvet robes, long black curls and Donovan-levels of brooding intensity.  Actually my favourite Maid Marian is this one (CLICKITY CLICK RIGHT 'ERE) – a dance to that tune - now, that I would have liked to see.  I’ll be honest, I found this hard to watch, but that’s to be expected – it’s a RUMBA.  Harry did the best he could, and wasn’t half bad, but it’s hard to avoid the camp’n’cringe - male hip action should probably only be attempted by highly trained professionals (i.e. not Anton).

But it wasn’t all bad, was it?  And best of all... Well, did you all notice?  Yes, indeed!  The return of the POO SLACKS!!!!  Hooray!!!  Yeah babies, they are back, back, back and no mistake!  Tight round the male area, loose at the ankle, brown nylon galore – hello again old friend.  Still disgusting, still amazing.

 

And what’s more, you wait a whole series, and then two pairs come along at once!  Not just Harry in the poo slacks, but Pashrek too!  Like the seventies never went away.  Pashrek wore them particularly well – every kick and flick was all the more exciting because of all those brown manmade fibres flopping around, enticing us with the possibility of a static electricity-charged hairy ankle flash at any second.  And indeed the Kovalev ankles were momentarily revealed on a number of occasions, although – slightly disappointingly - hadn’t been painted green.  Surely someone (nay, everyone) in make-up must have volunteered to do a full Pasha body paint?

*IMAGINE*

Now, obviously I’d happily linger on the subject of Pasha’s form or, indeed, the subject of painting things green, but we should probably discuss Chelsee’s jive, no?  Not that there’s really much to say beyond ‘bloody ‘eck, that were dead good’, or some such other Northern cliché denoting understated excellence.  It’s rare to see such a speedy jive from a celeb and Chelsee managed speed without looking messy and kept it all impressively in time and (phew) in costume.  Tess may patronisingly have told her she’s all elegant now, but more interestingly (from an audience voting perspective), Chelsee is also ‘palatably middle-class’ now.  She could win this, I think. (Surely, she and Harry are the shoo-in finalists and I doubt Aliona will be able to reign in her crazeballs on a show dance.)

Then again, maybe we shouldn’t completely discount Holly just yet – because that paso was BRILLIANT.  Best dance of the night for me.  As much as I enjoy a comedy paso (Russell! *sigh*), it’s always so exciting to see a real, fiery, passionate paso doble – and it felt like it had been a while since we’d seen a properly sexed-up one like that.  And the Zorro theme was particularly apt for that dance, especially as Artem had excitingly grown a little Zorro tash!  Just a few days after Movember ended, but let's all appreciate the effort...

Indeed, on that note, Movember, next year boys?  It can’t all be on Bruce.  Does Len have a tash?  I bet he did in his funkateer days...  Oh, they have to do it – Vinthent with a moustache would be AWESOME!  And Robin!  And Pasha!  Etc etc...

Anyway, let’s park the prospect of PashTashFlash - we’d better get on with TessDressMess.  When she first appeared on Saturday night, my heart lifted – an elegant long black number!  But no.  We have jumpsuit.  WHY TESS WHY?!?!  I realise this is mainly personal taste, as she looked pretty good, figure-wise – but I just loathe jumpsuits.  They’re impractical and strange, they flatter basically no-one and look completely ridiculous, and not in a good ‘poo suit’ kind of way.  Also, if it had been a gown, I would probably have glossed over the other fault - her triangular pendant, which was essentially an arrow pointing towards her low-slung boobs.  Still, I shouldn’t be surprised - we all know that it’s too much to ask that Tess not wear something that directly highlights her (very limited) flaws.

I preferred Sunday’s shiny mini dress – a return to Primarni Beyoncé, with bright yellow hair.  Tres Disco Barbie.  And in keeping with the recurring retro theme, did you see Tess on Friday’s ITT?  What look did she choose for a teatime magazine show?  Heavy metal rock star, of course!  Big hair, a sleeveless t-shirt (in red lamé) and the shiniest PVC spray-on leggings known to man or womankind; she looked simultaneously preposterous and sexy.  No mean feat, even though I’m not sure it’s wise that your female fashion icon of choice should be Jon Bon Jovi in his Living On A Prayer days.

On a more fifties tip (we’re running through all the decades, innit), the Saturday Night At The Movies pro-dance didn’t really blow me away, but I did love the very neat trick of avoiding an Anton latin fiasco by having him out of the main dance and instead projecting him and Erin on to a makeshift cinema screen - as the glamorous foxtroting black and white movie stars that the others went to watch at the drive-in.  But was all that syncopated standing up and sitting down about?  I imagine they were all on cue, but there was something about James Jordan’s village idiot grin (which was even worse in Sunday's picnic charleston) that made me wonder if he had got his timing right...  I’m fairly sure Natalie was shooting him death stares – though it’s possible that her kill-all-rivals bot chip just needed a glitch override.

But enough negativity, cause let’s face it – WHAT A SHOW!!!   Maybe there's something to be said for crow-barring a random theme element in there after all! (Let’s face it, no-one’s going to regret Pasha getting his Shrek on.)  And although an hour feels too short for a Strictly obsessive like me, it’s always fantastic to see the standard finally reaching some great dance heights, and for the tens to (justifiably) start raining.  It’s always like this though - you forget how rubbish the celebs are at the start (which is normal – they aren’t famous dancers, well, apart from the ones that are famous dancers) and then feel all the more delighted when it gets to this stage and becomes a celebrity dance contest, and quality control kicks in.

Next week though – two dances, so you can ignore what I just said about quality control.  Chelsee should be an advantage here – she’s used to having only five minutes to learn and perfect a routine.  Worryingly, J-Don's got a samba this week, so I fear for my Strictly sweepstake pound. (Then again, no-one wants to see Kristina so upset again, so hopefully my investment is still safe.)   I have to say (sorry Alex/Gavin), that I'd be sad to see a final without Holly, Jason, Chelsee or Harry, but I think Teams Holtem, Jamex and Kristina’s Doner Van are all vulnerable, so we shall have to see.

In the meantime, keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-ers creeeeeeeepers, where'd ya get those peeeeeeeeeeeeeepers.  (Yes, that is the sound of a barrel being scraped. Sorry.)