2017 - Week 3 - Movie Week

Oh yes... blogging... AKA 'not having a two year old'.  But I'm back - only two weeks late.   Oh no posts in 2016 you note.  So a year and two weeks late.  Thank you for noticing, she shouts into the ether.  But here I am, pearls of wisdom now ready to be unloaded, provided I can still get to bed at 9.30pm.

And what have we learned so far?  Well, that Ed Balls’ political legacy, as turns out, is giving the British public a taste for the comedy-tryer candidate, rather than the comedy-just-terrible candidate.  So lo, the Dave Myers-esque hilarity of Reverend Richard Coles was booted out this week, whilst Brian was rewarded for his American Smooth Wizard of Oz game by missing the dance off entirely – though he did make a genuinely excellent wobbly scarecrow, which probably helped a lot. 

Am sad though - I loved the Rev.  He's the only one who has provided me with Actual Rofl Lolz this year.  However, donning a marching band uniform and a Boris wig (albeit combed) for a Flash Gordon paso just didn’t cut it.  There’s only one man with that hairdo who can leap around like a petulant child and survive intact against the odds whilst everyone stares on in “is this actually happening” disbelief.  Ladies and gentlemen, Her Majesty's Principal Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs.

And speaking of national disasters, it’s MOVIE WEEK!  Boom boom etc. 

I’ve warmed to theme weeks, but this one can be a bit barrel scrape-y.  Toy Story, for example, is not a good theme for a quickstep, so I wasn't surprised to see it in the dance off.  It wasn’t helped by Simon Rimmer's Buzz Lightyear make-up.  I appreciate that bold, kohled Kardashian eyebrows are all the Snapchat rage, but this was a toddler wax crayon attack.  We’re talking Crayola caterpillars, unsaved by purple face paint, and a pubic curl Sharpie flourish on his chin.  Nothankyou - as my toddler says when I ask him to do something entirely reasonable, like brush his teeth or put his shoes on.  At least he's learning to use politeness within his rebellions.

I was a bit nothankyou about Gemma and Aljaz’s Jungle Book charleston – a dance you’d think can be manipulated to suit any ker-azy theme, including anthropomorphism.  Perhaps it was just disappointing that Gemma was in a 15 denier catsuit whilst Aljaz’s bear outfit was a shapeless baggy grey onesie with extra belly padding.  Have we learnt nothing from the Blurred Lines shitshow? 

Mind you, from a male objectification POV, we did get to enjoy Jonnie as Indiana Jones, with chesticles ahoy and some rather snug khakis.  And a rope, and a Stetson, and an Oti Mabuse alongside him.  The two of them really are another level gorge.  Sure, it was a bit Peacock bum-shelf-centric, which isn't really standard paso, but Jonnie is likeable and inspiring, so I have high hopes for Team Macock.

It was Susan Calman who bagged the best concept, outfit and CHOON of the night; a Wonder Woman samba.  THE JOY.  I hope Susan isn’t going anywhere soon – she has the Balls-like combination of jokey performances with gritted teeth learning of steps (technically, if not skilfully...yet).  She also has an actual love of Kevin Clifton’s dance embrace, and Kevin's seemingly over the stalker and cats vibe she was giving out at the start, so the chemistry is actually touching now.  I love Susan.  Can you be a national treasure before you hit retirement?  I’m nominating la Calman.

Speaking of retirement, Brendan? Tempted much?  (Anton’s never retiring – I’ve accepted that fact.)   This was just standard go-to yawnsome Brendanography: have them look pretty, I’ll shunt them around the floor, then strop it out when the judges tell me off.  A Top Gun tango, you say?  Or a solid excuse for Brendan to live out his Tom Cruise fantasies/delusions?  At least it meant Charlotte didn't actually have to do any actual dancing, after last week’s cha cha meltdown – instead she got to raise temperatures in a Kelly McGillis blouse, whilst Brendan plopped her on and off a motorbike.

Anton was also in sensual mode (*voms in mouth*).  Not that I remember much about the Ruth and Anton duBond rumba – I’ve clearly blocked it from my mind.  Something about Ruth not wanting to stare into Anton’s eyes and make sexy face, which – hello, I think we all have sympathy there.  Nothankyou.

But it wasn’t all slightly awks sub-par stuff.  Debbie and Aston – you know, the trained dancers – were excellent, with a Ginger Rogers quickstep and Trolls cha cha respectively.  Aston even managed to impress wearing a bermuda short variation of the poo slacks, with turquoise tights and a bright green crochet/felt waistcoat for modesty.   

Mollie wasn’t bad as slutty Maria in slinky evening dress and practical apron – I’m not sure she’s the dancer we might have expected her to be, but the lifts in her Sound of Music American Smooth were pretty great.  And if you ever wondered what Captain Von Trapp looked like in the Austrian cadet force, look up the child AJ in his military evening jacket and wonder no more.

And at least those concepts made some kind of sense.  A few even actively worked –  mostly Joe’s Viennese Waltz, working beautifully to Lara’s theme.   *spoilers* though, with that choreography giving the ending to Dr Zhivago away.  I haven’t seen the film, and now I know that the plot is lots of computer-generated snow and a hastily grown man moustache.  We also now have two classic Katya Hat moments – floppy for Virshilas and headmuff for Jones.

Alexanda’s My Fair Lady American Smooth was a lovely match of theme and dance too – and she’s so so so good.  I was initially disappointed that no better pun than “Strictly Covent Market” was found, until I could only think of “Strictly Come-vent Market, and decided to move swiftly on - less BBC prime-time, more niche erotica from the depths of the internet.

Mind you, niche erotica might have been what Davood and Nadiya were going for – that Stayin’ Alive samba was approx 99% pelvic thrusts in tighty whities.  I’ve still no idea whether Davood can dance, his entire characterisation is ‘I may or may not be bright but who cares cause MUSCLES’.

I do quite high hopes for this year – a Debbie, Aston, Alexandra, Jonnie final, perhaps?  Though Joe, or even Mollie and Gemma too, could sneak though.  Especially if there’s a CONTROVERSIAL DANCE OFF (there is always a controversial dance off).  And Susan.  Many more weeks of Susan please.  There’s at least five or six of them I hope she takes out.

BTW, have I blogged yet about how much I love Shirley as a judge?  (No, because PARENTHOOD.)  Guys, I LOVE Shirley! (As a judge mind, I’ve this teeny fear she might be Brexit IRL.) Her launch show dance cameo was an amazing glimpse into how she can totes really dance, and she has excellent spectacles on tip of nose game.  But more than that (I know! As if the specs placement wasn’t enough!), she’s really good at pithy constructive criticism, knows and highlights the dance steps she’s seeing without being eye-rollingly smug and – favourite fact - she’s already managed to completely wind Brendan AND Piers Moron up.  Even the forums mostly rate her, which is saying something, as they can find fault in anything – even Tess’ outfits, can you believe it...

On that note, TessTess’ pinspins were on show on Sunday - those orthopaedic tights aren’t going to sell themselves - and, shockity horror, I think she’s been looking fairly acceptable all series, so far.  Emphasis on the “so far”, of course, and it’s not like I lurved the flesh denier topped gold streamer number she had on Saturday – on brand though, evoking the lady tight. 

Sure, Claudia’s as orange, fringey and let’s say ‘eccentrically ‘dressed as ever, but she remains Claudia, doer of no wrong, so you crack on, Claude.  Darcey had an interesting (iffy) take on the lady tuxedo on Sunday, but it’s clear the purpose was to out-pin Tess with the slittiest high slits on her dress-culottes; maybe the hosiery contract isn’t going as well as hoped and Darcey has spotted an opportunity.  

I long to bitch about the man fashion too, you know, but there’s little cattiness to be mined from ‘will it be a black or white dinner jacket tonight’?

Oh it’s good to be back!  Typing as I am on my iPhone on my Southern Rail commute – nothing like having that quality me-time, eh?  Who knows how much I’ll get blogged this year (course with Southern Rail’s record, the chances are high that the blogs will be long).   But hooray for interminable Strictly chit chat.  If I don't reappear, just blame the two year old.  But be in no doubt - I’ll keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep watching. 

2016 Strictly Launch Show

Well.  WELL.  Wasn’t that something?  We're back with a bang, I think, after a few years in the meh-derness.   Talent-wise, it's probably the least-duffer-filled line-up we've ever seen (they are all the dirty ringah, hooray!), but it’s still the Ed Balls’ pout’n’thrust vine that burned itself into our eyeballs.  My my... 

Anyway, let’s take it back to the top.  (Yes, I’m afraid we do have to.)

Launch dance

The theme brainstorm obviously didn’t go further than some basic word association, did it? “Launch... Pad?... Launchpad?  Space?... Space!  Sold!”  Yup, the producers somehow thought it appropriate to open with a Strictly Star Wars theme – you didn’t dream it, it did happen.  I’d like to say that hot rocket mess was saved by a Winkleman fringe gag and some homoerotic spacesuit hugging from Anton and Brendan, but I don’t think it was, really.  Poor Anton and Brendan – already so old and so tired, but they must fight on for one more series in the hope they’ll get to replace Len next year.  (Even though anyfewlkno it should be Karen Hardy, who didn’t jive in hooker wedges on the It Takes Two sofa whilst smothered in glitter and pregnancy for no reason, OH NO.)

What else did we learn from 2016 A Dance Odyssey?

1. Strictly’s not above throwing in a Gangnam Style reference several years too late (has the copyright waned?) or a Uranus joke (#approve).

2. Silver lamé, much like its gold cousin, takes a special kind of MC Hammer-style panache to pull off – and if lithe professional dancers are struggling, then perhaps it’s an unwise choice.  (On the subject of unwise fashion choices... but we’ll come to Louise’s dress later.) 

3. The budget went on slutty Barbarella roman sandals and a cardboard rocket which shat the celebrities out. 

4. Never again.  Let’s keep the cosmos away from ballroom dancing, ok.  Anyone who thinks Space Week is good idea should keep very quiet please. Kthanks.

So we've had our shoddy cut to the studio, Claudia's hobbled on and squinted adorably, the judges have been welcomed and Craig's been mocked, clearly there's only one thing left to do...

It’s time to meet the STARS of our SHOWWWWW.

(I will not buy into “our Strictly Stars”. I will not.)

Overview:

FIT. 

TAUT. 

GOOD AT DANCING. 

Also, Ed Balls.

Now let’s make them walk down some stairs, and see with whom they are doomed to showmance.

“TV presenter and singer, Louise Redknapp”

What was the shape of that dress, though?  Art deco lampshade?  There’s no excuse to drape baggy lilac spangles about her person like that - shame on you Wardrobe.  Is it because your boyfriend still harbours a nineteen year old crush on the Naked video? (Oooooh hypnotised etc")  Look, none of us can fight the special place Louise will always have in the FHM reader’s heart.  Did I say heart?  I meant penis.

Paired with: Kevin “three finals no trophy” Clifton – about to make it four for four, I’d say; these two will be bland and blander, apart from when he wears glasses, and with nothing offensive to offer the British public, they are bound to go far. 

“BBC Sports presenter, Ore Oduba”

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Etc.

Quite handsome, isn't he?

Paired with: World Champion Ballroom Dancer and Regular User of the Phrase 'Eee By Gum', it’s Joanne Clifton.  

“Actress, Lesley Joseph”

In Year 8 maths, and on more than one occasion, fellow pupil James Kingston told me that I reminded him of Dorian from Birds of a Feather – yes, the older Chingford Jewess obsessed with openly perving over gardeners and handymen.  Seeing as my school profile was essentially swotty Straight A “keener”/daughter of the head of French, I’m not quite sure why James made that connection, but there you go.  On some level, it still disturbs me, if I’m honest...  Perhaps he thought that I too would look simply incredible at 70 years old.  Damn Lesley!  She looks amazing.

Paired with: du Beke, obviously.  It’ll be interesting to see how many lithe young things they take out with the weight of the Anton fanbase behind them.

“Star of Judge Rinder, Robert Rinder”

Do I need to disclaim that I have a sort of personal connection to the good Judge, with whom I have, on occasion, partay-ed (he’s a good friend of good friends, who always remembered me not at all but charmingly pretended he really did, before throwing about some “you’re fabulous”-es and being hilare.  Yes, he really is like that IRL).  Anyway, I can assure you I’ll try to keep my bias in check (like I did when Fiona Fullerton followed me on Twitter and I felt I had to be nice about Anton), but ultimately I can’t help but be Team Rinder.  I genuinely think he’ll be marvellous - abdominals, barbs and exaggerated dance gurn are a foolproof Strictly combination, so very good, do carry on Rob.  And I’ll regularly keep WhatsApp-ing the dancing lady emoji to our mutual friends as a marker of my continued excitement.

Paired with: The New Ola/Kristina, Oksana Platero.  Yes, they quite brilliantly gave the Sexy Foreign Blonde-shell Beloved By Dadz to a married man married to another man.  Also quite brilliantly, they made her shout at Rob in Russian, which could be a touch politically dubious or could be totes fine, depending on where she’s from in Ukraine or something – as you can see, I’m au fait with the current International Relations sitch because Eurovision.

“Olympic Gymnast, Claudia Fragapane”

So that’s Cloud-iah, not Claw-diah.  Maybe I’ll just call them Fragas and Winkles...  Anyway Claudia (Cloud-iah) is teeny and bendy and proper Brizzle, which bodes gert-lush-ingly well.

Paired with: the new child dancer, the boy AJ.  Honestly, he’s barely through puberty - so tiny young.  Claudia (Claw-diah) spoke for the nation when she asked if his school had given him permission to attend the recording.  He seriously looks 12 at most.  And also, very oddly, like a very handsome Beavis (of and Butthead fame).  You might think that an impossible oxymoron, but Tom Higgleston manages to be both attractive and look like Gollum, so anything is possible.

“TV presenter and radio DJ, Melvin Odoom”

One of the Limerick O’dooms? (Boom (o)boom.)  I hadn’t heard of Melvin before, but I love him already – few men would feel so immediately relaxed in a jewel-encrusted shirt with a nun’s collar.

Paired with: ¡Manrara!  My hopes are SO HIGH.  Now please excuse me whilst I go watch the Macarena again.  Wood woz robbed. 

“Model Daisy Lowe”

She seems utterly delightful and not the vacuous nightmare I might have expected from the extremely limited knowledge I had of her public profile.  She’s clearly a consummate professional - they made her wear unsupportive chiffon lederhosen and scarlet over-mirkin, but she smiled her way down those stairs like she was clad in Yves Saint Laurent.

Paired with:  Aljaz.  All the swoons.

“Actor and popstar Will Young”

Love Will.  I was hoping he’d end up a coach on The Voice, but this works waaaaay better.

Paired with: Karen Clifton, going beyond the Rhianoff thigh clamp and offering full dance limpet – welded on to face AND body.  Sure it was OTT embarrassing, but she’d literally made it out of the last two for Balls unscathed, so her relief is understandable.

“From BBC Breakfast, Naga Munchetty”

Naga (married name Haggar – say it in full. I know, AMAZING) was a bit lost in the masses - but this could benefit her, as it means she can provide *dramatic pause*... The Journey.  And she had the best dress, which counts for a lot, no question.  Scarlet halterneck HELLO.

Paired with: DING DING DING Pashpot.

“World champion long jumper, Greg Rutherford”

Important proclamation: I think Greg is going to be bad at dancing and I think he’s going to completely hate being bad at dancing and I think we’re going to dislike him quite a bit because of it.  And I don’t want to dislike an Olympian!  But this is a man disappointed to get a bronze in Rio, and I get the circumstances, but still - if he didn’t like that, imagine how he’s going to feel when he loses to Tameka in the dance-off whilst Anton *literally* dragging Lesley around in a rumba-hold makes it through unscathed to Blackpool.

 

Paired with: Obviously the producers know the WANT-TO-WIN beast can’t be tamed, which is why they’ve paired him with Natalie Lowe – it’s been years since we saw her dead-eyed Natbot uber-Australian competitive side (ah, those Ricky Nipple days) - a side which made us all utterly hate her... I don't think she's going to be able to resist, my friends.  Mark my words of doom – the forums are about to go full anti-Nat carnage.

“Eastenders star, Tameka Empson”

Who knew there was a right side of foghorn annoying – Tameka's going to be GOOD.  Cracking signing.  

Paired with: New Spanish sausage Gorka, who is muy scorchio, isn’t he?  Hola amigo.  He also seems game for the dance ability slash comedy chops that I suspect Tameka will provide.  It’s all rather fantastico.

“Former Shadow Chancellor, Ed Balls”

If Portillo can reinvent himself by squishing on to a tiny sofa with Diane Abbott and promoting the non-heroin type of trainspotting, Balls might as well try spinning a Russian dancer around the place and attempting a spot of cape wafting.  (Portillo would have been a good signing though, wouldn’t he...)  It’s rough, as Ed’s clearly the weakest link, and has pretty limited popularity to fall back on, but I’d like to see him last a few weeks and do what he can to stop inevitable decades of Tory rule through the medium of dance.

Paired with: Russian newbie, Katya – she’s the one with the Croydon facelift topknot, who's the wife of the new ginge pro who didn’t get a sleb.  With me so far?  Basically, she’s not to be confused with the other Soviet newbie Oksana, who – please see above.

“Reece Witherspoon lookalike, Laura Whitmore”

I mean, “TV host, Laura Whitmore”.  But come on – they have exactly the same face.

Paired with: Cut-price Vinthent, Giovanni Pernice, which is preeeeeetty callous of the Strictly powers that be, given that Gio's just dumped Laura’s mate Georgia May; all a bit hastag awks, frankly...  Laura is basically going to have to use every ounce of Irish charm to negotiate the minefield that is ‘having sufficient chemistry with partner’ whilst ‘avoiding a showmance in the name of girl code’.  Mind you, I’m still struggling to fully invest in Giovanni’s rampant heterosexuality.  What’s the girl code on her outing him to himself in the name of beautiful self-discovery?  Hang on... wasn’t that a Made In Chelsea storyline?

“Actor Danny Mac”

I don’t think he’s real; I think the Hollyoak producers made him in Grow Your Own Teen Soap Hotties laboratory.

Paired with: Oti, which makes them a coupling so beautiful our human eyes might not actually be able to take it.

“And finally, singer Anastacia”

Little is more fun than trying out an Anastacia impression, is it?  My go-to song is “my love is olalalala, my love is olalalala, something something, sick and TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRED of always feeling sick and tired, left outside Aliona, left outside Aliona, I’M OUTTA LOVE SET ME FREEEE”, which I’m certain is the right lyrics in the right order.

Paired with: Anastacia seems rather aces and hilarious – so what better outcome than to have elderly grouchbag Brendan drag her down.  Hurrumph. But enough of such negativity!  Surely this must be Cole’s swansong series?  Surely!  (Please!)  And he has got a former MTV dancer on his hands.  Maybe that will put a swing in his jive.  I get it though, Brendan, I too get creaky when I stand up these days.

And there we have it.  Who am I calling on Winnersville?  It's almost impossible to say.  Danny and Oti?  Will and Karen?  Cloudier and the Boy Child?  I have no idea whatsoever.  Am really looking forward to finding out.

Oh, did you think we were done?  Hahahaha - nope.  We can't heartlessly fast-forward through the extras.  It's not the X-Factor, darlings.

Pro-dance: CONGA!

Readers, I love a conga.  I bloody, properly, absolutely LOVE a conga.  I’ll battle through crowds and manhandle dancers to get in one, and I’m sad if I haven’t partaken in recent memory (thanks Secret Cinema, June 2016).  So whilst I was slightly disappointed that we didn’t get an actual conga during Gloria Estefan’s Conga, I was immediately thrown into a good mood when Dave Arch's Wonderful Orchestra went full Miami Sound Machine.  It was all just an excuse to reassure the viewing public that Ola might've left, but the remaining professional dancers have, like, rilly impressive titles to their name (“19 time Slovenian champion Aljaz Skorjanek”).  Joanne is an ACTUAL World Champion.  It was all the more special, as Tess somehow SOMEHOW managed to successfully introduce each pro in the gaps in the music. Poor Janette doesn’t seem to have won any ballroom dancing competitions, but she made up for it by being the standout dancer to be hurled about.  The new pros seem ok.  There’s a ginger one these days – Strictly diversity.

Other Entz

Some X-Factor singers sang.  One of them was dressed in a blackout curtain, silver-encrusted mildew and Angelina Jolie leg, and the other was that man who looks like a jovial potato with a slight weight problem, even though he is very slim.

Final group dance

Sweet jay-sus, an actual good group dance – this tells you all you need to know about the calibre of contestant.  They knew their cues, no-one seemed to forget the dance routine, and everyone was tits and teeth-ready.  Even Ed was ok – just a bit of a shirehorse surrounded by gleaming tried and tested thoroughbreds.  It’s truly going to be a vintage year, I hope.  And my baby is now old enough that I think (I *think*) I might be able to document proceedings.

Whoo hoo!  See you in late September, dance fans.  Prepare to make some very tough phone-voting choices.

And the meantime, same old drill.  Giddy up and keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetc.

2015 - Week 6

No longer a star of our show: Frankly, Kirsty's charleston was a total plank of a dance. 'Kudos' to Brendan for managing shunt and drag even during a non-ballroom number. Surely it's time for Mr Cole to retire?

Bottom Two: I didn't see much of Jamelia's jive as it turns out that my baby finds me singing and dancing the Time Warp simply HILARIOUS, so that's what I spent those 90 seconds doing. And for whoever danced after her. And after that. Etc. 

The good: Or, to put it another way, who did wardrobe hate most? (Natalie aside - more on that story later, viewers.) Helen looked like she been papier-mâchéd in loo roll, Kellie proved that 'Sexy Harry Potter' is as appealing a fancy dress concept as 'Sexy Where's Wally', and even Gleb (or 'Glen' as my autocorrect would have it 😂) is officially not handsome enough to rock a greased down nearly-mullet. (Though it turns out waltzes are improved by flying, lady horns and dramatic death scenes.)

The bad: Lovely Carol is still there, which means her level of popularity is so high, she could surely stand for election on a Sell The NHS To Fund PlayStations For Immigrant Terrorists ticket and become PM. What else can explain that utterly terrible rumba getting through? The power of loveliness surely cannot suffice? (Actually, there was a nod to another possible reason for Carol's popularity on her costume - Wardrobe had sewn a glitter skeleton hand on her boob. Many a older gentleman's thoughts visualised, right there.) 

You're my favourite: Jeremy! Jeremy! Jeremy! What a performance! Thriller night, indeed. He knows his steps and performs them with enthused relish. Yes, he looks ridiculous, but he also looks MAGNIFICENT!

Tessdressmess: Sexy side Spanx. 

Darcey Brussells as Morticia set a few (Mr Cad's) hearts racing. 

Pro-dance: If you're going to do a chess concept, it is a TRAVESTY that it's not danced to I Know Him So Well. Two of the worst dances I have ever seen, I think - and I hate to repeat James Jordan, but it does seem odd to use trained ballroom dancers in a contemporary number (Anton does modern - ROFLMFAO). And there was no need to dress Natalie in low quality drag - though it must have taken some doing to make her seem so manly. 

The big question: What *did* they promise Nancy to secure that appearance?

Next week: Jamelia's public declaration that she "knows the British public don't like me" should keep her firmly in the bottom two. I just hope it's Lovely Carol that joins her, else the Lovely tag will, through no fault of Lovely Carol's own, start to be in jeopardy. Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

2015 - Week 5

Five thoughts:

1. Ainsley has left us too soon. He was far more fun to watch than Carol, Kirsty, Jamelia and Jeremy-on-a-ballroom-week. 

2. Anton needs to be banned from teaching or choreographing Latin. What a shambles. Get Ian Waite in! Job-shares are a progressive move, anyway. Anton would enjoy the time off to sup tea with Widde and go tie shopping. 

3. Jeremy must do Latin dances only. I AM SERIOUS PEOPLE. It will be a travesty if we are not treated to some paso cape-work and rumba hip action before he goes. 

4. Yes, Kirsty was better, but still massively overmarked. Has she signed up for the tour...? *innocent face*

5. New lows were reached with that synchronised-swimming pro-routine. I

know charlestons are supposed to be goofy, but the beachballography was especially shoddy. Watching ballroom world champion Joanne Clifton - who was employed, let us not forget, solely for the pro-dances - gurn and roll on an inflated ball seemed a bit of a waste.

6. Yes, this a sixth thought but how could I forget?!!!!!! 

"BULL'S BOLLOCKS!"

*cries laughter*

7. (Seven thoughts, it's fine.) After an underwhelming weekend, which was uninspiring to blog (the main concern, let's face it), I find myself in the unusual position of looking forward to Halloween week. Not only have I embraced Halloween this year, to the extent that I will be dressing my baby as a glow-in-the-dark skeleton, but I also know there'll be something to mock. Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

2015 - Week 4

No longer a star of our show: Wee Daniel - the pipes, the pipes, have called Danny Boy away, a little too soon for my liking. He fell between two (Westlife?) stools; his airline pilot-themed American Smooth was neither stage-school amazing nor pant-wettingly hilarious (Jeremy, yo!), but I was really enjoying his gentle improvement and gentle schtick: no-one else has ever managed to banter with Tess successfully. At least Kristina's dance sensuality and cleavage can finally be unzipped for the pro-numbers. Demure no more! Let La Rihanoff return without fear of tabloid take-down!

Dance off survivor: Kirsty's paso was the same as her other dances. She looked beautiful but her dancing was lacking something and Brendan had to shunt her around too much and blah blah I'm just going to copy and paste that now ready for next week.

Top of the leaderboard: ANTON DU WHAAAA?!?! Anton du Best - and it only took thirteen years. Katie was amazing and gorgeous, even if Wardrobe had seen fit to stick her in a high denier flesh bodystocking and shoot sequins at her boobs.  

Wardrobe's most hated: The guns (glue and staple, not muscular) were out in force; Giovanni's preposterous feather-lined nipple-grazing waistcoat and Janette's golden dandruff fringing got the brunt of it. Mind you, I remember little else of Pandre's tango and Georgia's quickstep (use of S-Club aside). 

Silky shirt-off: And indeed, shirts off and nips ahoy. Gleb (in the silky samba sky-blue corner) and Aljaž (in the silky salsa scarlet corner) both did some pec flashing for the laydeez and gaydeez - but who was better? Aljaž, of course, with his dressing up box making yet another welcome appearance. (Dr Skorjanec will see you now, if he's not too exhausted from his night shift and protesting Jeremy C... I mean, Hunt's latest measures). Elsewhere in paso land, we got 'treated' to a Robin disco vest on Brendan (oh Brendan, not without the protein shakes, dear), whilst Pasha dared a more season-appropriate polo neck. 

Straight up: Finally a dance to suit the twerky bum thrusting that Tristan likes to choreograph for Jamelia. I also very much enjoyed the Paula Abdul appearance - dressed as an unhinged WASP in foulard and yappy dog, throwing some passive-aggressive shade with the line "the strong and confident woman I hear you are, Jamelia." (Blatant code for 'bitches be sayin' you're a forthright cow, J'.). As much as I enjoy a ragtime pop cover, I do think Paula's Straight Up original is better and it further highlighted a personal regret that Opposites Attract has yet to make a Strictly appearance; I can see it fitting a cracking samba and I'm sure Lance the Singer could do a fine MC Skat Kat for Dave Arch.

Zzzzzzzzzz: Ironically, Kellie and Kevin's very competent foxtrot could have done with some lashings of Camembert to perk it up, whilst Ainsley and Natalie's waltz could have benefitted from can't-remember-the-routine improvised bumography. 

You're my favourite: YAY JEREMY! Splish splash, he was taking a bath, dressed in the most horrific turquoise vomit motif. Those long gangly limbs weren't made for jiving but who cares?!! It was joyfully hilarious. He'd better be the last duffer to go, British Public, else I'll shake my fist at you.

Hair-watch: Jay is actually very handsome, perhaps, even with that permed bouffe - or such is the power of fantastic dance that I've been blinded by his talent after last week. Why Aliona didn't keep the Uma black bob is beyond me; manchego-coloured hair is not a good look when it blends so perfectly into the same shade of fake tan. Tess Daly had the best hair of the weekend with that beehive though. Amaze.

Tessdressmess: Indeed Sunday's TessesTresses were good enough for us to gloss over Saturday's Angelina Jolie leg gothic number. Mr Cad will be disappointed to have missed Darcey Brussells' spray-on dress. 

Eighties pro dance: Where the styling was Bit Part Vampires Of Buffy... Unlike Buffy, the dance was crap - though I chuckled to see Anton and Brendan reduced to jukebox and cocktailography. 

Special guest killing time between dramatic reveal bits: I couldn't tell if Will Young's dancing was trying to be piss-rippy or serious. He dropped Aliona with convicted gusto (serious dancing) then did a move where he stood with his legs spread and wiggled from hip to hip (piss-rippy). Either way, Will for Strictly 2016!

Next week: Lovely Carol wasn't naturally suited to the paso, but sticking her in an M&S brassiere and banning smiling helped. Surely she's on for the dance-off soon though. Surely!?!?

2015 - Week 3

Saturday night at the movies... Look, there's no point in getting upset about Theme Nights any more, Strictly's gonna theme theme theme, and we might as well run with it. It has, after all, produced such classics as... Oh, am sure there were some. Nancy sipping champagne in a coffin or something? So see!

No longer a star of our show: Anthony Ogonegone.

Dance: Paso doble

Film: Rocky

Bit of a harsh outcome, I thought - to me his flamenco mugging and grunting seemed no worse (or indeed better) than Pandre's - but it is possible that Eye of the Tiger is just such a choon that I got bamboozled by the music. I was also enjoying how Wardrobeade their silky boxing robes look fresh from

Hogwarts.

Newbie note: Oti has been a fab addition to the pro cast and not just because of her boobieography (wowsers!!!). Based on what we've seen with Anthony, she's a great crafter of routines for slebs with an incomplete set or working limbs and a limited sense of timing, so I'd love to see what she could do next year with a contender.

Dance off survivors: Ainsley & Natalie's cha cha (by which I mean, the cha cha of Natalie and... nope that still makes it sound like a reference to her vagina).

Film: Happy Feet.

Ainsley didn't actually perform any choreographed cha cha steps and basically did 90 seconds of penguin freestyling whilst Natalie stifled her giggles (and we all reminisced about Michael V's legendary axe jive). But I was still quite surprised that the audience rushed to save Lovely Carol's quickstep over this, however lovely Lovely Carol may be (answer: really very lovely).

Indeed, speaking of...

Lovely Carol & Lovely Pasha's quickstep.

Film: South Pacific.

For one demographic, Carol's classic hourglass figure. For another, Pash's snug khaki trews. I guess both of those things do go some way to explaining why they survived the dance-off.

Katie & Anton's cha cha.

Film: Pretty Woman

*Trombone sound* But why did I expect anything more from an Anton latin? The choreography was Katie doing a jaunty walk in a small dress whilst Anton faffed around her, mostly off camera - trying to hide his inability to cha cha, no doubt.

Highlight: Darcey Brussells telling Katie "you look the part". I.e., you resemble a hooker. And Katie looking like she wanted to stab everyone with a stiletto.

Kellie & Kevin's charleston.

Film: Star Wars

Unbelievably, UNBELIEVABLY, this really really worked - who knew double bagel hair, space-judo outfits and lightsabers could be ballroomafied? (BTW I just checked how to spell 'lightsaber' and discovered in the process that the Star Wars wiki is called Wookieepedia, so applause to that.) Dance wise, the gorgonzolaometer was still camembert-stinkily high, but  they could have stuck Kevin in a Ewok suit (or Jar Jar Binks, perish the thought), so I think we can cut them some cheesy slack. Mmmmmm, delicious cheesy slack.

Georgia and Giovanni's rumba.

Film: Generic Bond

This was good, in that it was a bearable rumba. Though it turns out that was probably only because it included no rumba steps, much to Len's dissatisfaction - Giovanni was basically sent to the naughty step to think about what he'd done and the impact on Len's walnuts.

Helen & Aljaž's foxtrot.

Film: Some Like It Hot

A missed opportunity for Aljaž to get the drag out of his dressing up box; we needed something to jujje up Helen's almost flawless execution; really good can be really boring.

Daniel & Kristina's cha cha.

Film: Grease

MEGA LOLZ. When I told Irish friends that Daniel was doing Strictly, their eyes sort of lit up and a wry joyful mini smile appeared - and I totally get it now. Obviously Daniel couldn't cha cha but there's a winning robotic charm emanating from him, and given that he was playing John Travolta, his default facial expression of mild gormlessness worked quite well - especially when he remembered to intersperse it with mild pout, pelvic thrust and fifties combography.

Kirsty & Brendan's American Smooth.

Film: Lady and the Tramp

It takes a special kind of beauty to pull off being dressed like a sexy cocker spaniel, in TOWIE orange bodystocking and giant permed bunches, but Kirsty achieved it - so expect some dodgy copycat versions this Halloween (Sexy Poodle, Sexy Dalmatian, Sexy Pitbull, Sexy Cockerpoo etc). I actually have this very vague memory of a game we played at Brownies where, in pairs, you had to use your brownie uniform and whatever was on you to dress as a dog and its owner, then be judged by Brown Owl as if you were at Crufts. Surely that can't be a real memory - it sounds insane. Then again, the eighties...

Peter & Janette's paso doble.

Film: Pirates of the Caribbean.

It basically looked like Wardrobe had lost the original outfit, so had to pop to Primark for an emergency replacement - those floppy velvet boots and weird hat-wig were regional panto at best. Also, aren't pasos meant to be the dance where the chesticals come out, perhaps under a teeny bejewelled waistcoat? Why no belly reveal, Pandre? Surely the Mysterious Girl six pack hasn't been drunk away over the years?

Jamelia & Tristan's salsa.

Film: Charlie's Angels

The highlight was obviously the bit when Tristan manhandled Jamelia into position by literally pulling on her hair.

Jeremy & Karen's charleston

Film: Top Hat

Actually not bad! Especially since Jeremy's limbs are Go Go Gadget long, which can't make dancing easy. But what a missed opportunity to not have brother Tim Vine do the show too.

Anita & Gleb's American Smooth.

Film: Ghost

Given the amount of sexy time choreography in this (yup yup, that move where Gleb full body dry-humped his way over a laid out Anita), I'm pretty nervous about what their rumba will be like.

Jay & Aliona's jive.

Film: Pulp Fiction

Just wow.

Just WOW.

Just watch it.

And that is why I have no problem with trained dancers doing the show. Sure, it's going to make Aliona unbearable, but it was bloody amazing work, so...

What else...

Tessdressmess: Which was worst?Craig's cartoon peanut tie versus Darcey Brussells' Oscar dress made of fish scales versus Claude's large faux crystal encrusted jumpsuit. (Does that mean Tess gets a pass this week? Perhaps I wasn't paying attention.)

Pro-dance: An exciting star turn for my adopted Sarf Landan hood, with the appearance of the Horniman gardens in Sunday's show. (An even better appearance than when Binks and Alex off Made in Chelsea went on a date to the taxidermy room and looked extremely confused.) On Saturday they even they let the mere mortals get involved. Kellie's ET bike riding was the best bit - her little face cracked me up! And she had better dance/pedal work than Victoria Pendleton (though I suppose Kellie has the advantage of not having her soul crushed after several weeks of dancing with Brendan).

Next week: I'm probably done predicting at this point - I thought Anthony had a good few more weeks and I can't see Ainsley going yet. Which means I think it's Lovely Carol by default, but history is showing us that Pasha-power is strong. So who knows?!? Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep etc.

2015 - Week 2

So here we go, the week two endurance test ahoy! I missed the main show live, as Mr Cad wanted to watch Scotland in the rugby and as he's given up seven autumns for Strictly, it only seemed fair. Not sure what happens if Scotland play on another Saturday night though... One match, sure. Two matches...

Anyway, what occurred?

No longer a star of our show: Ciao for now, Iwan & Ola. I actually thought their cha cha was hilare - LMFAO was an apt soundtrack. Ola must've smelt the last chance saloon, as she threw everything she had at it; pecsography, assography, tattooography, thrustography, hair-extensionsography... But it wasn't to be. Surely that's it for Mrs Jordan now? At least she had her swansong in a trademark Ola outfit of dental floss and streamers. 

I'm not sad that we won't have to endure any more Iwan, but it's still worth re-watching this dance to see Dave Arch having a right old groove on the keyboards as he and his wonderful orchestra pump out a surprisingly acceptable version of I'm Sexy And I Know It. 

Dance off survivors: Jamelia & Tristan, which says a lot about her popularity (the forums certainly no likee). Dance-wise, even I could see her legs were too bendy - a well known cha cha cha no no no - and I wasn't that impressed by her twerking either, in spite of Tristan doing his best to rouse things, by yelling "SEXY SEXXXXAAAAY" during the bootyography (thank you for that reveal, Len's lens). On the other hand, Jamelia did look a vision in emerald party streamers, though poor Tristan must be fed up of donning that particular shade. I believe it's called Top O The Morning To Ya Father Ted Riverdance Boyzone Westlife U2 Brian O'Driscoll Guinness Leprechaun Blarney Stone Four-Leaf Clover Green, and is available in the Valspar paint collection range. 

And how did everyone else get on?

Daniel & Kristina's charleston: It was good to get Robo Daniel safely past such a mugging/expressive dance, but props to Kristina for putting in a lolz-some solo section to please Daniel's fan army. I also enjoyed the emphasis in the VT on LOOK DANIEL'S GOT A WIFE LOOK AT HIS WIFE HER NAME IS MAJELA SHE IS HIS WIFE MAJELA HIS WIFE IS HANGING OUT WITH KRISTINA WHO IS SHOWING NO SIGNS OF STEALING DANIEL SHE LIKES HIS WIFE NOTHING TO SEE HERE ETC ETC. Indeed that storyline was further backed up by a rather demure charleston dress, which was totes gorge and ironically ended up reinforcing Kristina's allure.

Faff klaxon #1: Ascot hat, champers and binoculars-ography. 

Kirsty & Brendan's salsa: It doesn't matter whether it's ballroom or latin, Brendan favours shunting or chucking his partner over teaching them. And to think Anton used to get my grief...   

Jay & Aliona's waltz: Great mover. Rigor mortis face. Who'd have thought the new hair, a cropped bouffe, could be worse than the previous poodle frenzy? But it was. 

Georgia & Giovanni's waltz: The real question is this - who had the more truly competent but utterly yawnsome waltz, Helen/Aljaž last week or Georgia/Giovanni this week? Probably Helen, but there's no way I'm wasting life on re-watching them both to find out. 

Ainsley & Natalie's salsa: Yes, it was mainly rubber-legged randomness, but you've got to hand it to Harriot - he gave it some gooooood face and some not entirely ridiculous improv. Though Darcey Brussells recreating his shoulder wiggle with peace-sign fingers was the highlight. 

Lovely Carol & Lovely Pasha's waltz: I'm just glad we get most of the waltzes done in the early weeks, as I never have anything interesting or funny to say about this dance and have officially run out of synonyms for 'boring'. But it was a definite improvement for Lovely Carol - and look, she survived! 

Kelly & Kevin's cha cha: I bloody love cheese - nine months without brie was essentially hell - but Kevin's choreography is TOO MUCH. It's going to put me off my cheese platter, and that is unacceptable. 

Anthony & Oti's waltz: Only more interesting than the other waltzes as there was the sense of danger that Anthony's shoulder or Oti's cleavage might pop at any moment. 

Anita & Gleb's charleston: Everthingbutthekitchensinkography - my brain is still overstimulated from all that was going on. Interesting that Wardrobe dressed Anita-as-Bonnie-off-of-And-Clyde in the style of a sexy cowgirl though. For realz, where was the beret?

Jeremy & Karen's American smooth: Who cares if it was shoddy - Jeremy was my favourite!!!!! His joy is just infectious and the judges' poo-pooing hit the wrong note. I think he could knock a better dancer or two out yet...

Faff klaxon #2: university library-ography, including Karen's turn as Sexy Librarian.

Katie & Anton's tango: Who'd have thought it would come to this - a time when I look forward to seeing Anton's performance for reasons of dance. Or that I look forward to seeing Anton's performance, period. I'm even overlooking how Anton tangoed sporting a woollen turtle neck in a shade of fake tan not seen since Robin's giant pecs left the show. 

Peter & Janette's quickstep: I thought it looked a bit dodge - but that's in the context of him being really good I guess. My ¡Manrara! fangirling continues - she looked amazing in diamanté leotard and swishy skirt made of posh hotel curtains. 

Helen & Aljaž's cha cha: We can now all happily add 'mechanic' to the list of outfits in Aljaž's great big dressing box. I imagine Janette spends much of her time replenishing it. Can I put in a personal request for Scotsman, please?

Tessdressmess: Saturday brought jumpsuit horror with added bandage décollté = a return to la Daly's bad self. Sunday brought upholstery-based fashion for both Tess and Claude. Claudia is also really loading up the kohl, even by her standards. It's a wonder she has the strength to lift her eyelids.

Pro dance: Truly lovely partner-swapping ballroom/circus skills swishy dance goodness. Plus Aljaž and Tristan in tails. Hello. 

Special guest killing time between dramatic reveal bits: Are we surprised the Rod Stewart pro routine was all the pro laydeez grinding chairs in spray-on leopard skin then catwalking up the stairs? (I.e. Not dancing whilst an old grizzly did some old grizzling.)

Judge-watch: They've now named their dance entrance ('The Strictly' - oh the originality), so it's here to stay. Boom town! I bloody love that hot mess.

Next week: Lovely Carol surely can't have that many weeks in her - not if there's more latin in the offing. Jamelia and Kirsty could be vulnerable too. I'm not even entertaining the notion that Jeremy might leave before he gets to dad dance a paso doble. Until then, keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep...