Series 12 - Week 1

Here we go!  Proper show time with real dances and everything; although it’s not quite full business as usual, as there’s no phone voting and no-one is getting kicked out this week.  Basically, the judges are gonna judge, judge, judge, but we don’t get get to cull, cull, cull, until next weekend.  

For the celebs, this week is all about getting the first TV-broadcast steps under their sequinned belts and practising their ‘when receiving criticism remain eager, modest and relaxed even if you are indifferent, seething or crying inside’ faces.  For us, a non-vote show means sussing out partnership chemistry and the 'likeability-to-performance-ability' ratio; a rubbish dancer can go a looooong way if the audience is with them (Myers/Widdecombe), but early skill means nothing round these parts if it’s too polished (Gabby Logan).

We’ve got a whole weekend of it - a quick snippet on Friday (a mere hour), then masses more on Saturday - so let’s launch right in, shall we?

Friday’s proceedings

Off go the whirly orchestral strings and let’s all take a moment to rejoice that we have no Bruce!!!  Hooray!  No doddery, shoddery, crappy old tap-dancing to see here - instead, Tess and Claude are led down the stairs by two of our male pros.  Claudia has entirely wisely plumped for Aljaz to manhandle her down the steps.  Tess has gone for Brendan, which is a less convincing choice, but his ego probably demanded it. 

On any other day, I'd also be applying the description 'less convincing' to Tess' jumpsuit, but there must be something in the air, for I happen to think she looks rather excellent (!?!?!?!  WHAAAAT?!?  EXCELLENT?!?  IN A JUMPSUIT?!?  ARE YOU INSANE?!?  ETC ETC?!?).

I know.  But there you go.  Yes, I would still always advocate a skirty bottom in such cases, but Tess’ lacy cap sleeve arm detail is rather gorgeous and, most of all, it all fits.  IT ALL FITS!!!  (By which I mean that Tess' boobs are exactly where you would expect/hope they would be).   TessDressYesSuccess is a turn up for the books, and a blow to the blogging community, but credit where it is due (to Tess' underwear merchants).

It also essentially proves my theory that Tess was dressing all wonky to guard against any impure thoughts that Bruce might possibly have had, especially during that unbearable, outrageously dated, thigh grab at the start.  Now the coast is clear, Tess can walk out with confidence.  Mind you, if I'm honest, Claude's fairly likely to go for a squeeze, if she fancies it.  But I suppose it's probably welcome - everyone with working brain cells crushes on Claudia Winkleman.

Mind you, on the subject of La Winkles, all is not quite as it should be - it's still Claudia, so we're fine - but 1. her fringe is not buried in her eyes, 2. her eyes are not kohled to within an inch of a panda's life and 3. she is NOT IN BLACK.  She still looks lovely, but not Claudia-lovely.  This better not have any-Samson like impact on her behaviour...

Tess and Claude then get the judges to dance in (which seems to be a slightly inadvisable New Thing) and my main thoughts are: they look creaky and it's not always nice to make older people dance without letting them warm up first.

And then...

It's. Time. To Meet. The Stars. Of Our Show.

Anton is already in a kilt.  Clearly they don't hold out much hope for a long Judy tenure. (Sad face.)  

Seeing as there are a billion competitors, I'm going to run through them, couple by couple, lest I forget someone (Sunetra) or go on at particular length about someone else (Steve's vest).  And so, onwards!

Caroline Ex-Factor and Pasha

Oh THERE'S Claudia's fringe; Caroline’s wearing it, BOOM BOOM, for they've unexpectedly dressed her in a long t-shirt with golden streamers fringing off it.  (If that description makes the dress sound dubious, then I should disclaim that it isn't at all - it's just I want first dibs and I'm trying to put you off it.)  I was expecting self-conscious nervousness, but Caroline’s cha chat is really, really excellent.  She immediately moves right up my pecking order - she doesn't have the obvious ringer status that Strictly fans detest, but she can clearly dance already.  Perhaps Vix could be the first Sweepstaker to make this two in a row...

Tim Antiques and Natbot

Props to Natalie for working unbelievably hard to make it seem like she's utterly delighted at being paired with a wacky older gentleman who doesn't have much (any) natural flair for the cha cha cha.  (She's actually working hard enough to make me think it might be genuine, but surely not - it's a pre-programmed robot setting, right?)  Despite Nats' enthusiasm, things on the dancefloor really are a struggle, even if Tim still oozes confidence and goes for it.  Perhaps it's the oozing confidence that's the problem, in fact, and that's why his cha cha walks having something of the “soiled nappy” about them, as Craig so kindly pointed out.  It's actually Natalie who has the pants of note - her mint green dress is basically bejeweled Bridget Joneses, with some material flapping off them.   At least Tim's got the latin out the way on the non-phone vote week.  Maybe Isabelle's £1 stake will sneak on to week three yet.

Jake Eastenders and Janette ¡Manrara!

Jake's main challenge will be to look happy during the cheeky dances, but they're kindly easing him in with the tango, where his instinctive dance facial expression of 'concentration and fury' is perfect.  And it works - he is GREAT.  It's no surprise that an Eastenders baddie can do moody and menacing, but Jake seems to be able to dance too; there's a bit of hoochy tooch (not in a good Tyra way), but other than that it's a really promising tango.  This is the 'journey', no question, so I think Katie's stake has a chance of going really quite far.  And hopefully others will now also be converted to my ¡Manrara! fandom, after Julien's hyper-annoyingness turned out to be more than enough for two last year. 

Judy and Anton

After the group dance, it seemed fairly clear that Judy needs some serious tuition, which is a shame really, as Anton's prime motivation is less ‘teaching’ and more ‘making chin-heavy muggy faces at the camera’.  The VT suggests they mainly laughed and ate cake.  I suppose it's good for Judy's image - though if you think about it for half a second, it's not THAT surprising that someone would come across as an intense joyless harridan, if the only time you ever see them is when their kid is competing and they're dealing with the natural parent-fear that their kid will require serious mum-comforting if they don't do well.  ANYWAY, Judy and Anton are waltzing to Mull of Kintyre, in tartan, with a real life piper on stage, leaving Scottish Mr Cad to exclaim, in mock despair, "Oh GOD. Are they going to fuck a haggis halfway through?".  They didn't, but there wasn't a huge amount of natural waltzing either and Anton did have to resort to some shunt and drag.  So sorry, sweepstaker Ben, I don’t think this is to be Anton’s year, after all.  On the plus side, Judy looked BEAUTIFUL and the judges did their best not to be too mean about it all.  Fortunately, Judy was in total mega-fan viewer mode anyway and had forgotten the judges were there to talk about her dancing.  When Bruno did his line about her “maiden voyage experiencing turbulence” she just chuckled away like she was watching this on the telly and he was talking about Fiona Phillips.

Scott Radio 1 and Joanne

So Judy wasn’t great and Tim had trouble, but my absolute favourite terrible dance of the night - nay of the WEEKEND - was Scott Mills' BRILLIANTLY AWFUL cha cha to Rock DJ, for which Craig offered up a (generous) 2.  It's fair to say that Scott walking around looking mildly clammy and slightly delirious, whilst Joanne did wide-eyed faces at the camera, before they both did some pointing, is not your usual cha cha cha, but it was somehow adorably charming.  Which means, Julie, that I'm fairly sure your sweepstake pound will be fine for a few weeks to come.  They also have properly good celeb pulling power; Week One and already the likes of Robbie Williams cameoing in the VT, accusing Scott of having stolen his Rock DJ tiger pants.  (Scott denies it, but you can tell from the immense blushing that he totally did - or it's clearly not the first time he's had a moment thinking about Robbie's pants.)  Anyway, I'll totally sulk if Scott leaves next week, so I'm counting on you, the Great British public.  Love you byeeeee.

Pixie Pop Princess #1 and Trent

It might be unfair, but I'm not predisposed to much like Pixie - possibly as it's clear she's barely even heard of Strictly Come Dancing, and die-hard fans like me prefer their contestants to arrive fully immersed in the relevant SCD mythology.  Sadly, the most ‘interesting’ thing they've found about Pixie so far is that “she likes fashion”, which doesn't bode well.  It’s not even interesting to find that she’s good at dancing - because, well, of course she is.  She’s clinically good, really, but I couldn’t actually 100% focus on her jive, as her dress was SO SHORT that I was too busy counting gusset flashes.  (It’s hard to look directly at them; Pixie and Trent are so tits and teeth blond that they painfully gleam directly into your retina.)  But my own reticence aside, I don't think Justine needs to worry about her pound stake just yet - ability and high scores will carry Team Bland Blond pretty far.  And they both have time to develop a personality (even if there’s a looooong way to go on that).  Maybe Trent's just a bit shy at the moment and does have the character to jujje things up - after all, he did use the “fella over there with the hella good hair” bit in the Taylor Swift rap to choreograph himself some manhairography, sneakily running his hands through his blond locks and pouting - that certainly shows promise.

And so, a quick flash of dance and Pixie's pants later, that's Friday done and dusted.  Let's see what Saturday will bring...

Saturday’s proceedings

Things kick off with a pro dance to Bastille's Pompeii, which has the novelty of being a modern song wot I am aware of.  We are mainly treated to what it looks like when Aliona actually tries dancing at her best (she’s fantastic), but the special effects team have finally been let loose on the superimposing images machine and it’s all very exciting - no-one’s going to pass up additional Aljaz, are they?  It’s also a good chance to see which pro is dancing with which other pro this year, after the mass pro-jumble you get from losing James, Robin and Erin.  We seem to have Ola and Pasha, Karen and Kevin, Aliona and Brendan, Kristina and Tristan, Iveta and Anton, Trent and Nat, and Aljaz and Joanne, with Janette a lovely floater, but they’re clearly happy to partner swap, as everyone seemed to end up with a totally different person than whoever they started with.  Though, sometimes the pro dances are just a mass of head whips and women being chucked over men’s heads, so you can’t see nuffink anyway.

Clearly the producers realised overnight that the Claudia Friday makeover was total folly and she happily returns with creeping fringe, baby panda eyeliner and full black dress, with lovely jewelled black beehive bodice detail.  Tess makes it an UNHEARD OF two out of two, in perfectly hoisted slick black and scarlet.  They make the judges dance in again, and the camera sticks with Len at his campest, when it should be focusing on Darcey’s swishy skirt.  Know your audience, Mr Vision Mixer.

Then yadda, yadda, stars of our show, and we’re off.

Mark TOWIE and Karen

Mark begins with an inexplicable foray towards Uniform Dating.com, dressed in a hard hat and high vis jacket over his spangly vest.  I haven’t watched Towie much, but I don’t remember his ‘character’ being ‘construction worker’ - I thought it was ‘perma-tanned lad’.  He's clearly learnt all the cha cha moves Karen’s given him, down to the careful hand placement just below the rib cage, but there's still some finesse to do - it's a bit ‘by numbers’ and default camp for now.  He's only going to get better and if he manages to keep his ITV2ness toned down, sweepstaker Jo might see her pound sticking around for a wee while yet.      

Alison Big Brother and Aljaž       

Post-Riley, it’s no longer a mind-blowing surprise to anyone that size isn’t the main constraint to danceability, and that rhythm and performance can come in a whole range of shapes and sizes.  Alison was great - but I was expecting her to be great.  And perhaps I was expecting her to be slighter greater than she was, as those feet were a bit flat, in spite of the truly contagious joy she was busting out in her cha cha.  Regardless, I think think Laura’s stake will go far, especially as I’d completely forgotten just how hot-flushingly, hormone-inducingly, phone-vote-friendlily hot hot HOT Aljaž is.  Dressed as a body guard, in those aviator shades...  Thom’s got competition, especially whilst his stomach is hidden under a cummerbund.

Steve Wildlife and Ola      

My first act was to send a screenshot to my sister of Steve straddling his motorbike, looking full Lion-O - cause that's a special look.  My second act was to take note that, yes, yes, guns, but also: Steve can tango!  For me, Mr Backshall was the biggest surprise - I wasn’t expecting such a cheesy grin to morph into menacing attack and sexy tango face.  I think Dan’s got a real shot at the £15 jackpot here.  If Steve lives up to the dance potential he showed tangoing in a glittery vest, and Ola can channel the love the public had for her in her Team Cola days, then that’s a powerful combo indeed.  It probably helps that Ola is happy to wear a strappy lady-sporran instead of an actual skirt.  

Jennifer Irish and Tristan Irish  

Well, they have a sweet mother and son thing going on (let’s say a young mother, for the sake of kind aging purposes – he’s 32, she’s 50), but Jennifer’s jiving was a little more about the resting than the energy (not that I’m sure I’d be able to kick and flick for a minute and a half without collapse).  They seemed cute together, but I think we were probably banking on raucous Oirish pub chat appeal to bring the votes in, so I fear that Holly's pound stake will soon be part of a jackpot over which she'll have no claim.  Jennifer looked good in her funky jive dress though.  And so did Tristan, in that practise hoody... *fans self*

Thom Rugby Hunk and Iveta

They’re really hammering this showmance, aren’t they?  Thom seems a little more willing than Iveta, but that might be because I’m (sadly) detecting a hint of 'blandly suggestible' under that laboratory-honed physique.  Having said that, I pretty much always find the waltz a dull dance, so there’s still time to pec it up and get the laydeez and gaydeez on board.  Thom’s just too beautiful to endanger Terry’s hold on the sweepstake just yet.

Sunetra Casualty and Brendan

Another pleasant surprise - though I am a sucker for a tango, especially in such an excellent teal dress with dramatic swish appeal.  It's the first time we’ve seen hospital-ward-ography too - I'm not sure that was quite as successful as Sunetra's skirt, but it was worth pushing the medical references, as I've totally added 'Bad Case Of Loving You (Doctor, Doctor)' to my karaoke list (choon!).  I still think Sunetra will struggle to knock out some of the younger, perkier contestants, but she might leave one or two CASUALTIES (yessssss) in her tracks, so don’t despair yet, Sweepstaker Louise.

Gregg Masterchef and Aliona

"Oh yes, Gregg, it ees totally normal to wear the evening gloves for the cha cha.  No no, it ees not because I do not vant to touch you under any circumstances."

"Ok Aliona."

I suppose Gregg channelled some variation on 'cheeky', even if his interpretation of the cha cha was partway between 'hetero stereotype of camp' and 'overexcited toddler needing a wee'.  Maybe I'd be more into this if I were a Masterchef fan, but as things stand I think it's best for all of us if Abi doesn't keep hold of her sweepstake pound this year.

Frankie Saturdays and Kevin from Grimsby

Something in my eye!  Something in my eye!  Yes, FINE, I shed a tear (it was the morning after my birthday, so...), but I found Frankie's waltz really gorgeous and moving, so I was totally sold, in spite of Kevin's Blair-esque shirt sweat patches (that was an unforgiving shade of nylon taupe).  Rightly or not, I think that Pixie will be seen as the pop princess dirty ringah, and Frankie might have some pressure off.  And if the British public can stomach a female winner when Thom and Steve's muscles are in contention...  Well, after this showing, Beth's our sweepstaker winner this year.

Simon Blue and Kristina

So, dressing like all the Jersey Boys and getting his jive on suits Simon better than forcing harmonised vocals at the giant Dusseldorf's Esprit Arena dressed as a beefy ringmaster (as much as I really enjoyed Blue’s Eurovision performance).  This was - as expected - very competent.  And you've got to love good old Kristina, stunning in Fuck You scarlet, cheerleading him along with every last perfectly coiffed, manicured and toned particle in her body.  She's been having a shitty old tabloid time of it, so here's a public Strictlycad response: Back Off Misogynist Slaggers, I want a sweepstake win!  (Slightly preferred your big meringuey Marilyn hair though, K-Rhi.)

And that's that - there's yer lot for Week 1.   All in all, a lot of promise for the months to come.  Next week heralds the return of kicking people out, via (I assume) the dreaded Dance Off.  As things stand, surely Anton's fanbase is too powerful to harm Judy just yet (how ever hard Andy may or may not want his mum to stop dancing)?  And I think Scott will, and Tim might, sneak past. Which probably means we’re looking at a Jennifer v Gregg battle, with Jennifer victorious.  Though, the Week 2 dances will hold more sway than this week’s - and Lord only knows the power of the Mrs Brown’s Boys phone vote...

So, lo, Winter may be coming, but there are exciting times ahead! There's only one thing for it...   Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep watching!

Favourite dances - a working list

Disclaimer: I may have blogged tens of thousands of words of overenthusiastic drivel about Strictly, but I have a terrible memory for the details of Strictly pasts (a few months after a series is over, although I know I LOVED it, I can barely even remember who was even there).  So the point I’m making is this:

I reserve the right to change my mind about this list ALL THE TIME. 

Here are my favourite dances - determined by the ones that first came to mind when faced with the YouTube search box on a particular day.

It threw up a few genuine surprises.

1. My ambivalence towards Austin Healey’s public persona is outweighed by my enjoyment of his dance skills - unbelievably, he’s my highest scorer and I’ve included two of his performances (the power of Erin).

2. Apparently I love more jives than any other dance – who knew?  (Seriously?!  I thought I was #teamtango.)

3. Although I would furiously rue a Strictly which only threw up rubbishy joke dances (and would throw a major tantrum for which I would hold Ann Widdecombe personally responsible), many of my most memorable favourites are joyfully, brilliantly terrible.

I have arranged the listings thematically.  Let’s do dis.

Argentine Tangos

Karen and Ramps tango to Goldeneye  

Series four, semi-final

From back in the good old days, when the Argentine Tango was reserved for the semi-finals - and was therefore only attacked by the most talented celebs, after weeks of building up vital rapport with their pro-dancers.  There’s no sarky snipes or comedy asides for you on this one (even about Karen’s unexpected gusset flash at the end), as it’s just too special - it remains my all time favourite dance of all time-ness.  The music, the styling, the choreography, the tango face...  It all works for me.  And the intensity between them is... Well.  It gives me ‘feelings’.

Vinthent and Rachel tango to When Doves Cry 

Series six, semi-final

It actually beggars belief that a pint-sized comedy Italian stereotype (I mith you Vinthent) and the beigest pop star of them all can come up with something so sharp and cool and sexy and yes.

Jives

Michael Vaughan’s axe and Natbot perform to This Ole House 

Series ten, week two

I don’t want to belittle the serious medical condition that is depression, but I believe there would be public and social value in using NHS funds to carry out clinical trials on the effectiveness of watching this performance as a treatment mental health.  It's one of the funniest things I have EVER, EVER seen.

Erin and Austin perform to You Got The Beat  

Series six, week three

ERIN’S DRESS. (Also, Austin’s embarrassingly hilariously pelvic jiggle and high kick to the judges during the “and you if you don’t like the way I look, well I just don’t give a da-ham” bit, clearly inspired by Erin’s previous work with Peter “one two three shake your body down” Schmeichel.)

Pro Dance Jive to Rebel Yell

Series five

Is it fair to throw in a pro dance? Well, I’m gonna. Passive aggressive competitive peacocking through the medium of jiving in turquoise satin.  (Also, James’ hilarious Wolverine hair.  Hahaha, what a way to deal with a receding hairline.)

Miscellaneous Latinz

Other Karen and Dave Myers cha cha cha to Moves Like Jagger 

Series eleven, week one

To be honest, Dave Hairy Biker managed a triology of amazing latin (Cha Cha Like Jagger, Paso Meatloaf, Fruit Salsa Trolley), all of which I loved, but this one, with its white satin shirt slit to the navel and opening shout of “WOW!” is my favourite of those favourites.  A turning point for Karen Hauer.

Erin and Austin perform a paso doblé to Espana Cani

Series six, semi-final

(What a show that was – it throws up two of my favourite performances.)  The best bit of this dance is actually Austin's “HA!” and “OLÉ!” shouting at the start - the rest of it is basically a whole lot of pomping about whilst everyone looks at Erin’s washboard stomach - but you gotta love how they fully commit to the preposterousness of it all.  I love it.

Ian’s red trousers and Jade salsa to La Isla Bonita 

Series seven, week four

I suppose it’s not quite true that this is one of my favourite *dance* pieces, but those trousers are SO SPECIAL.  They are a dance in themselves.

Mark and Iveta cha cha cha to You Can’t Touch This

Series eleven, week four

Stop! Veta time.  Hip pop cha cha via a slo-mo leg extension and Croydon face lift.  Ivetamazing is a very special Strictly lady and this utterly proved it.

Claudia and Len’s tribute to Kristina & John Sergeant’s paso (2 minutes 30 in)

Series seven, It Takes Two

The original is the stuff of Strictly legend, but this version (of which I can only find a snippet *WAAAH*) is even more wonderful.  Why can’t Claudia present EVERYTHING?  (Bar Bake-Off.)

Miscellaneous Ballroomz

Robin and Patsy perform a Viennese Waltz to Anyone Who Had A Heart

Series eight, week seven

Patsy Kensit - who had a nine week run before ending up another piece of Widdecombe collateral damage - probably won’t be remembered as a legendary Strictly competitor, but she nonetheless managed a truly special feat - she got me to properly love a Viennese Waltz.  This is a really sweet performance from a woman coming out of the shadows of divorce and forging an amazing partnership with her GBF-for-life.  The romance of a blossoming friendship between fag and hag – just beautiful.

Artem and Natalie perform an American Smooth to And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going

Series eleven, final

In which Natalie TOUCHES THE DIVINE.

Charlestons

Ola and Chris perform to Fat Sam's Grand Slam

Series seven, week eleven

After which it became the law that all charlestons must contain swimming.  This is what won it for them, frankly - Hollins wasn’t the greatest (he wasn’t even that great), but this was such a fun, frolicky, infectious performance which brought the best out of Olachops.  The series before, my sister and I had regularly discussed what a sulky madam Ola was and how little we thought of her, but this Team Cola year suggested that that wasn't fair - she just suffered from a) Resting Bitchy Face and b) being married to James.

Brendan and Sophie perform to Rock It For Me

Series eleven, week two

I know Sophie has been lauded as a robbed should-be winner by many - and I’ll happily accept that she came across as a fantastic person (“I’m a thirty-four year old woman, Brendan”), but I’m going to be brutal here – I think this was pretty much her only good dance of the entire series.  (*ducks*)  Course, if you’re going to have a good dance, it might as well be this one, which basically reinvents the Strictly Come Dancing charleston as fucking cool.

Showdance

Flavia and Matt perform to Are You Gonna Go My Way

Series five, final

Although my Strictly memory is poor, this live version of this one will be forever burned on my eyeballs.  I will NEVER forget the moment itself: one minute after he has taken to the dancefloor, Matt Di Angelo LITERALLY spins Flavia Cacace by her mimsy.  (BY HER MIMSY!!!)  At the time, I was so blown away by such a feat that I *very nearly* thought Alesha shouldn’t win. That was crazytalk, of course, but it shows the power of that oh so rarest of beasts: a bloody good showdance.

2014 Partnerships

Janette Manrara and Jake Wood

Sweepstaker: Katie

Pose: La ¡Manrara! demonstrating the Rihanoff Thigh Clamp Of Joy there - suggesting she's quite happy with her man.  She's even teased a half-smile out of him...

Fashion dahlink: It looks like emus are in season.

Prospects: Further than you'd think. Am calling it on "The Journey".

Kevin Clifton and Frankie Bridge

Sweepstaker: Beth

Pose: “I'm flying Jack!” - well, in slightly embarrassed and stiff ballroom form.  

Fashion dahlink: That angle doesn't seem quite enough to deal with hiding Kevin's Trouser-Grimsby.

Prospects: It's going to be a hard fight for a place in the final, but surely Frankie Saturdays can't be discounted.

Natalie Lowe and Tim Wonnacott

Sweepstaker: Isabelle

Pose: Programmed to Angelina Jolie leg-mode.

Fashion dahlink: Natbot always bags the best dresses, doesn't she? Just gorge.  I can't quite see whether they've diamentéd his glasses chain.

Prospects: You know what, with Nats on the case, Tim could well see off Gregg and even a surprise random.  Week 2 or 3.

Iveta Lukosiute and Thom Evans

Sweepstaker: Terry

Pose: HELLOOOO?!  AS IF IVETAMAZING WASN'T GOING TO GET HER LEG OVER, I MEAN COME ON!?!!

Fashion dahlink: No-one's looking at any clothes here, let's face it.

Prospects: I've already paid Terry the winnings. 

Brendan Cole and Sunetra Sarker

Sweepstaker: Louise

Pose: Hashtag awks.

Fashion dahlink: Sunetra looks lovely, but I'm not entirely sure Brendan's done all his holiday sit-ups.

Prospects: "I just want to make it to Blackpool/Wembley".  Mid-way.

Ola Jordan and Steve Backshall

Sweepstaker: Dan

Pose: Steve's been more comfortably hands-on with a deadly cobra than here with little Ola... But look at his lovely grinny face.

Fashion dahlink: I'm not sure I've ever seen Mrs Jordan so covered up.  Saving it for the calendar, no doubt.

Prospects: Unlikely winners, unless they miraculously channel Olachops The Hollins Years. But they'll make it well past week one - and for Ola, this year, that's worth the glitterball.

Kristina Rihanoff and Simon Webbe

Sweeptaker: CAD

Pose: Ve vant to vin.

Fashion dahlink: The Lesser-spotted Scarlet Emu meets Spray-on Liberace.  And what a pointy fro.

Prospects: They'll be excellent, but the Great British public won't take to either of them (much to Kristina's obvious anguish).

Trent Whiddon and Pixie Lott

Sweepstaker: Justine

Pose: The non-sexual non-chemistry of Ken and Skipper.  

Fashion dahlink: The year of the lace-up yellow mirkin in need of a major trim, apparently.  Also, Trent appears to have the kind of hair Sue Sylvester likes to obsessively torment. (YES, that was a Glee reference, several years too late. AND?)

Prospects: Pixie can be as amazing as she likes - ringers don't win.

Karen Hauer and Mark Wright

Sweepstaker: Jo

Pose: The Only Way Is Caj, Mate.

Fashion dahlink: Karen may have purple streamers hanging out her arse, but she looks absolutely smoking.

Prospects: Essex's going to charm the lot of us, isn't he? *grumble grumble*  A strong chance of hitting the semis, at least.

Tristan MacManus and Jennifer Gibney

Sweepstaker: Holly

Pose: Whatevs - I just noticed how preeety Tristan is. 

Fashion dahlink: Like they've Strictlyfied an M&S hold-you-in full-body undergurdle - but in a good way.  The boys are totally having a tighest trews competition aren't they?  I fear chaffing. 

Prospects: 'Irish Charm' versus 'Potentially Insufficient Fame' makes this a very tough call.  But on balance - fairly early doors.

Aliona Vilani and Gregg Wallace

Sweepstaker: Abi

Pose: Aliona may have mastered her sulky face, but she's totally ready to knee Gregg in the Wallaces at any given moment.

Fashion dahlink: She's hidden razors and staples in those feathers, I guarantee it.

Prospects: I suspect we're all praying for a first week exit. Aliona included. (Hell, Aliona most of all.)

Pasha Kovalev and Caroline Flack

Sweepstaker: Vix

Pose:  "And LUUUUUUNGE..."

Fashion dahlink: Caroline, like Valance before her, gave it a good go, but eventually those high-waisted shorts will hitch up and bite you in the camel toe, strategically-placed ribbon or no strategically-placed ribbon.

Prospects: Already a fan favourite, so it seems...  Probably the right balance between natural ability and no obvious stage-school training to go very far indeed.

Aljaz Skorjanec and Alison Hammond

Sweepstaker: Laura

Pose: The rest of us are thinking it, she's already grabbed it and rammed it across her ladyarea.  YES ALISON!

Fashion dahlink: This is all about the pose, babies.  Let this set the trend - more men being (full-consentingly) womanhandled please!

Prospects: She'll be brilliant, but I fear the rumba will scupper her chances a few weeks before the final.

Joanne Clifton and Scott Mills

Sweepstaker: Jules

Pose: Comfortably chum(s).

Fashion dahlink: Personally, I wouldn't have hidden such an awesome dress behind a purple velvet jacket, but Scott looks so happy to be a P.I.M.P.

Prospects: Oh Scott. You're going to have to rely on adorablility and the yoof vote.  (It's not looking great.)

Anton de Beke and Judy Murray

Sweepstaker: Ben

Pose: Judy's already showing improvement since the group dance. Sure, the level there was... um... er... Anyway!  Promise is promise!

Fashion darlink: Only Natbot has a better dress.  Anton's wisely opted for a looser trouser.  Still, none of us can unsee what we saw last year.

Prospects: Even post-referendum fall out and limited dance ability can't stop Anton's crazed damp-gusseted lady fans and their serious phone clout.  We'll have Judy around for a few weeks yet.

Series 12 - The Launch Show

Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  Strictly’s back, bitches, and it’s FINALLY time to take several gratuitous, sequintastic hours to see who gets paired with whom. (Unless, like me, you have no willpower and looked it up several days ago on the Godless place that is the Digital Spy forums, ahem.)   The Strictlyfied celebs are about to show off their double dip spray tans and the efficacy of their Bridget Jones under-girdles, and we're about to see which unlucky soul has to rumba with Anton.  As you can imagine, my excitement levels are set to HIGH.  

I’d also like to take this opportunity to tell Mr Cad I love him very much and will see him in December.

First excitement – NO BRUCE!  To celebrate this, we get a full Brucie VT, but it’s (just about) ok, as the excitement of no Brucie is (just about) allowing me to handle some Brucie.   The VT is a nifty Brucie’s Angels pastiche, with Bruce on a mission to gather up the Strictly team using multiple puns and random items as fake telephones.

He starts with Tess struggling alone at the dress rail (DOES THIS MEAN SHE’S FIRED HER STYLIST, DEAR GOD PLEASE) and Claude pretending the Great British Sewing Bee has taught her how to make clothes.  They are primed and ready.  Claudia’s fringe has even been specially trimmed as a concession to idiots.

The remaining judges are cast as Bruce’s lackeys, which must have pleased them.  Darcey is Miss Moneypenny, Len is a Nazi chauffeur and Bruno is a bellhop who uses a pregnancy kit to test the temperature of Bruce’s tea.  Craig gets to make a gag about Bruce’s chin.

Presenters and judges accounted for, it’s time to collect up the dancers; Kevin’s at the Grimsby Chip Show in typical Northern dress of specs and bowtie when Brucie makes the call– inexplicably he leaves a FULL NEWSPAPER OF CHIPS to rush off to dance.  Bruce then calls the Girlz (Janette, Karen and Kristina), who, with Made In Chelsea levels of stereotyping, are shopping and pouting, whilst, on the Boyz side, Aljaz is unfortunate enough to be playing golf with Anton and Brendan (though there is quite a good gag in there, when Anton answers a golf club phone and calls Bruce ‘dad’).  We then see Natbot applying mahogany paint varnish to Ola’s naked shoulders in what appears to be a Scandinavian sauna (which will no doubt incite some of Strictly older gentleman fans to ‘have a moment’).  Finally, Pasha, Aliona and Iveta (who, erm, isn’t Russian, but is foreign, so it’s probably all the same, innit) have been banished to Siberia to throw fake snowballs and pet huskies.  Bruce allows them to sleigh their way back to Elstree. 

No Robin or Artem, who are injured and dancing with Marty McFly’s mum, respectively, and still no Katya (booooo) and Ian (booooo).  However, we can take gleeful comfort in the thought that there’s no James Jordan because he’s in the Big Brother house calling himself the “Brad Pitt of the dance world”.

The opening VT might be over, but the pace continues, well, a pace... We head to the red carpet for screaming middle-aged women in M&S diamante, terrified celebs trapped in a giant glitter ball and a pro-dance routine in an overly confined-space, which features, dear God, Bruce tap-dancing.  (Still, let us remain magnanimous, as we haven’t got to suffer several months of it, this time.) 

There are also a... whatever the collective noun is for ‘random drummers with glitter drums’ and the introduction of a new Strictly dance move which involves legs akimbo and a downward crouching bounce. 

It’s not good.

But no time to linger, as it’s off the red carpet as we allow the judges their annual dance interlude: Len goes a little turn with Natbot as Darcey is carried into the studio by... literally no clue, as it’s all eyes on her AMAZING dress (Mary Poppins skirt and glitterbox/glue accident t-shirt – truly enviable).  Craig then throws caution to his dodgy replaced hip, tangoing with Karen and Aliona, whilst Bruno has another aneurysm, trying to out-pelvic thrust Aljaz and Kev on the desk.  But the best bit comes next as Claudia and Tess get carried on in on thrones, Jewish wedding stylee, cackling with hysterical glee.  Claude in particular looks disbelievingly thrilled; her face is as happy as this baby who just pooed on his father.  It’s all tidied up with a pro dance that involves Anton COPING WITH LATIN.  And if that’s not a good omen, I don’t know what is.

Dancing over, it’s time to catch a breath and allow Tess and Claudia to... oh nope, my bad – it’s Bruce who takes on the reigns.  Heaven forbid we just let the women get on with it – they clearly need formal approval from a man to proceed.  In his defence, a rested Bruce does an unusually well-paced chat in which he says nice things about Tess and Claude.

And so, at last, it’s unsupervised Tess and Claude time!  Whoop!  To think there was a time when I despised Tess and couldn’t handle her rude interrogation in the Tesspit about which celebs fancied their pros - clearly I’ve grown as a person.  Tess is looking beautiful of face and fine of body in a one shouldered monochrome number, which only has minimal phantom wonky nipple. (I’m actually predicting TessDressYes this year, now she doesn’t have to ward against Brucie’s grabby dance hands.)  Claudia has scoured eBay and purchased what can only be an outfit previously worn by Blanche out of the Golden Girls at a funeral.  I’m fairly sure this is the look she will channel all series.  For the avoidance of doubt, Claudia could wear the poo slacks and she'd still be the bestest.

Claudia then immediately shows what a pro she is by enthusiastically trailing a boy band performance without the merest hint of “which will be unutterably shit”.   But just before we can get TOO excited, Bruce drops the clanger that he’ll still be doing Children In Need and The Christmas Special.  Ah well.  Baby steps. 

It’s (FINALLY) time to meet the stars of our show!

“Star of Masterchef, Gregg Wallace”, dressed as the member of staff everyone wants to avoid at the Christmas Work Party.

“Pop Princess, Pixie Lott”, in a bright yellow mirkin.

“Wildlife Expert, Steve Backshall”, looking broad and hunky and adorably cheesy.

“Tennis Coach (translation: “Mum of Andy”) Judy Murray”, in a red dress second only to Darcey’s.

“TV presenter and radio DJ (translation: him off Towie) Mark Wright”, seeming less objectionable than I might have predicted (I'm drunk on Strictly magic).

“Star of Casualty, Sunetra Sarker”, pretty in pink, with shiny hair to rival Claude’s.

“Bargain Hunt’s Antiques Expert, Tim Winnacott”...  Hang on, Bargain Hunt?!  I’ve been calling him Tim Antiques Roadshow to date – shows how much attention I pay.  Not that this is the first Bargain Hunt/Strictly crossover, as Darren ‘Darren and Lilya’ Bennett’s identical-looking brother was once on Bargain Hunt and... I’ll leave that anecdote for another time, eh?

“From The Saturdays, popstar Frankie Bridge”, wearing a bikini which has grown streamers.

“Radio 1 DJ Scott Mills”, who I LOVE and has an adorable rabbit in headlights excitability in his gaze.

“This Morning reporter, Alison Hammond”, beaming in fetching lilac, if that’s not an oxymoron (it is, for lilac is vile - but Alison is not).

“Rugby star and model, Thom Evans”, hubba hubba etc.

“Star of Mrs Brown’s Boys, Jennifer Gibney”, foxy in a mullet lingerie dress.

“From Blue, Popstar Simon Webb”, trying waaaay too hard to look cool in skin tight lace and crystals.   You did Eurovision, Simon – time to embrace the cheese.

“TV Presenter, Caroline Flack”, quite incredibly pulling off those high-waisted shorts that made gorgeously slim Holly Valance look a total heifer.

“And finally, Eastenders star, Jake Wood”, angry superbaldy.

So we now know who everyone is then?  Well, more or less?  Time for “Ballroom blind date”!

Gregg Masterchef is up first and all the female dancers stare straight ahead, with full poker face, whispering 'not me, not me' under their breaths. Clearly Gregg's the boorish dud to avoid.  He’s matched with Aliona, who doesn't even begin to try and hide how utterly fucked off she is.  Mwahaha, I'm starting to warm to Aliona.

Jake Eastenders has been dressed in latin rather than ballroom, which is probably a mark of confidence in his abilities.  He also looks tense as hell, but let's blame the nerves for his thundery face of doom as Janette is announced as his partner.  (You can't all have Ola, Jake.)  It’s ok though, as Janette, all speedy hip thrusts and squealing “YAY YAY YAYS” provides enthusiasm enough for two.  Of course, this is the least one would expect from a woman whose ten year plan has netted Aljaz as a life partner.

My sister’s #1 crush Steve Backshall is then matched with Ola, which is an absolute RESULT for la Jordan!  After James Jordan’s incessant tabloid bitching about his wife’s employer, I was convinced that they’d try and knock her out asap - but such is the power of a sexy calendar when seeking prime time ratings.  Of course it remains to be seen how snake-hipped Ola’s partner will be (GEDDIT!  Snake-hipped.  SNAKE-hipped. It’s a scary animal and Steve is a wildlife... oh never mind).  Either way, we can 100% rely on Ola to expose Steve’s chest when the going gets tough in week three.  If in doubt: nudity.

And then the moment all the lady pros have been waiting for.  Thom Thime.  Who’s going to get the future winner that is Thom ‘utter hotness’ Evans?  There's a *dramatic pause* then.....  DING DING DING JACKPOT FOR IVETAMAZING, who, quite wonderfully, completely ignores Thom until she has finished her ‘I win’ pose.  Congrats Iveta – that glorious MC Hammer cha cha with Mark Benton has completely paid off and you've been duly rewarded. 

Up in the Tesspit Balcony, Claudia then earns ALL THE PAYCHECKS by giving Iveta her condolences that she has been “paired with someone so utterly repellent”, before ripping the piss that the ordinarily chatterboxy Iveta has been stunned into a hormone-frenzied silence.  Even Ivetamazing and her apple cheekbones can’t handle the Thom jaw.  (My God, can you imagine the facial structure of their offspring!  Vogue are buying the rights as we speak.)

After all that hot flushness (just me? Of course not), we are treated to a New Pro Showcase, as Joanne, Trent and Tristan perform a ménage-à-trois fusion dance on a podium.   As ever, the new boys still have some proving to do, particularly with Robin and Artem’s pectorals now out of the mix.  Sure Trent and Tristan can dance (like, really dance), but they don’t look like the weights machine and steroids abuse feature heavily in their gym routines.  The Irish one hasn’t even shaved his chest yet – though perhaps we’ll come to appreciate a more natural look in due course. 

We’re then subjected to a band called Five Seconds Of Summer, who misleadingly play for far longer than their name optimistically suggests.  They have hair I do not understand and a tune that does not exist.  Karen and Kevin do a dance which mainly involves Karen sitting on the floor, though I’m not surprised they weren’t feeling choreographically inspired by that ‘musical’ number.

More match-making ahoy!

Caroline Flack is partnered with Pasha, which – well, he must have some dirt on someone, as Pasha always scores a good'n'lithe'un.  (Even Rachel Riley worked out in the end – sure, she may have been an awkward dancer, but apparently she and Pasha are now regularly performing a horizontal rumba, so...)  

Then again, Pasha probably doesn’t need to resort to blackmail as who would deny that adorable face anything it asked?

Jennifer’s up next and Anton grins like he knows he’s his turn, but the producers actually create an all-Ireland combo of Jenny and Tristan, which is a great call.  (Course, they’d never have dared in Bruce’s day - the risk of a steady stream of Irish jokes would’ve been waaaay too high.)  Tristan literally riverdances over to Jennifer and if I don’t see him in a satin green billowing shirt come Halloween there will be TROUBLE. 

Brendan and Anton then kindly show that the bantering (cough*bullying*cough) spirit of James Jordan is alive and well by imitating Tristan's dance in a bitchily mocking way.  Claudia immediately sorts them out: “Brendan, honestly, I will hurt you”.   Brendan looks genuinely petrified, MWAHAHAHA.

Pixie gets Trent, creating an incestuously blond frenzy of tits, teeth and perfect skin.  (Someone on the internet called them “the poster boy and girl for Hitler Youth”, which is oh so wrong, but oh so true.)

Matchmaking on pause, last year’s winner Abbey returns for a spin around the dance floor and we get the return of one of the true high points of the 2013 season... 

Aljaz's white waltz trousers.  

*fans oneself*

Sadly Aljaz isn’t wearing those trousers at the first pro/celeb group rehearsals, which come next.  The rehearsals are notable for having Claudia and Tess arrive on a tandem and Ivetamazeballs wearing skin-tight leopard-skin to rehearse, because, of course she is.  The dancers all bond and practice whilst Tess and Claude gossip about Thom at the side of the room.

Back to the studio for more Cilla-action.

Simon from Blue might not have his chiffon shirt slashed to the navel, as Thom does, but he's made up for it being being entirely bejewelled and wearing indecently tight slacks.  All the remaining lady pros are primed for the second best chance at the Glitterball and it's Kristina who gets the lucky ticket (WHOOP! My sweepstake!).  She goes from sullen to DELIGHTED in seconds and legs it towards him – he doesn't get the Donovan thigh clamp, but she does do some excitable bouncing and he carries her up the stairs Top Gun style.  She is still squealing.

Tim Antiques turns out to be rather charming and wants to learn ballroom for his wife of thirty years - that's some VERY clever back-story tactical action, which might see him eke out a second week.  In fact, Tim might even manage three weeks on the show, as he - somewhat surprisingly - scores Natalie as his partner.  In a masterclass of professionalism (no doubt she was pre-programmed), Natbot shows Aliona how it's done, by screaming ‘yes’, performing a merry boob shake at Tim and saying she had her eye on him from the start.  In Natalie’s defence, she may or may not be lying through her teeth, but she is one of the very few pros who actually makes eye contact with her partner.

Scott, bless him, didn't look that great at rehearsals, but is over the moon and visibly relieved to be partnered with ballroom world champion Joanne.  It will be like learning to drive in a Bentley, no doubt.

That means that Mark Towie has been put with Karen.  I'm truly surprised to find him quite charming at this point.  It's going to be an interesting test for Karen, who I loved with Dave Hairy Biker and found completely bland with Nicky Westlife – if fun brings out fun and beige brings out beige, let's see what this brings out...  A vajazzle within the month?

We get a quick detour via Smokey Robinson and Imelda May singing a harmonised version of Get Ready, whilst Brendan, Pasha and Trent try to out-do each other in the unbuttoned shirt stakes, before the last four are paired.

Alison is put with Aljaz, which he seems authentically happy about – Alison has moves, it's clear, and also the strength to pick Aljaz up and squeeze the very life out of him.  Harder, I mean, careful Alison, you’ll split his trousers.

Claudia asks Judy if she'd destroy all of Andy's trophies to win Strictly.  Judy jokily acknowledges that Wimbledon is quite hard to win, but ultimately proclaims that 'yes' she’d destroy the lot for that glitterball.  We learn that Andy and Jamie Murray will be “mortified” that their mum is donning lycra and attempting botafogos, but it's clear that Judy doesn't give a shit.  She draws the short straw that is Anton du Beke, but they both seem overjoyed, so that's ok.  At least Judy doesn't have to worry that she'll be shown up by a capable partner if she's rubbish at latin.

Sunetra ends up with Brendan, who doesn't throw the Aliona sulk you might have expected of his younger years, which means Kevin from Grimsby gets the reward of a trained performer in the form of Frankie Saturday.

And we're done!  Good pairings in the main - I feel like Natbot has got a fairly raw deal, but she's put an excellent spin on it, so we shall see.  Ola's been a right lucky bugger!  But then she is married to James Jordan, so rough and smooth and all that.

We're nearly there, and the launch show finishes as it always does - with the wonderful hot mess that is the group dance.  But FRANKLY, I think this one is my all-time favourite so far.  (Do I say that every year?)

I loved it because it was, at moments, hilariously terrible, but also because it was – in parts – genuinely good!   I started crying real tears of laughter right at the beginning when Scott Mills put on a Smashy and Nicey expression and pretended to scratch at the decks, and then didn’t stop chuckling throughout.  Everyone just looked like they were having a marvellous time – I fully wanted in, and not just to have Thom Evans hoick me up and spin me above his head.  It's worth a watch people - I swear I’ve watched the whole thing at least a hundred times.  The best bit is when the boys do their squat and flat-hands-down move.  It's... special.

And that, ladies and gents, is that – for now.  Three weeks for the pros to whip their victims into shape and then, come 26th and 27th September, WE ARE ON.

I CANNOT WAIT!

SERIOUSLY!

And so, it just remains for me to say...

KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP WATCHING!

Oh and pay up your pounds...!