Series 11 – Week 3 - Love Week

Farewell Feltz. It was mercifully brief in the end – though perhaps harsh to lose out to Julien's manic coke jive, and harsher still to leave with your hair styled like My Little Pony.  Her tango was a bit heave and drag, I suppose, but you could tell she was giving it her all – trouble was, her all just wasn't that good at dancing.  But ultimately, well done Feltz – I didn't smash the screen every time you appeared, and I don't find you as loathsomely irritating as I used to.  Surely that's a win?  No win for Louise though – it wasn't to be for your £1 this time...

I'm glad Julien survived his second appearance in the dance-off – but, let's face it, it won't be his last.  If Vanessa's tango was heave and drag, then Julien's jive was GRIN AND FLAIL.  It doesn't help that Jeanette ¡Manrara! is such a phenomenal dancer, making their side by side bits look a bit Before and After (not sure what gets you from the before to the after – some powerful hormone injections at the very least).  Costume-wise, Julien is continuing his mission to be as elegantly crystallised as a Swarovski toilet seat (I SWEAR such an item exists – I saw it in B&Q); this week, the sparkle hit his jacket shoulders, like reflective expensive dandruff.  It's got to be a full body sequinned catsuit for next week's inevitable exit, right?

Mind you, as patchy as it might have seemed to the untrained eye, Len, in his infinite wisdom, still gave Julien a “seVEN!” for his jive, which is the same score he gave Patrick, Fiona, Rachel, Mark, Ben, Deborah and Ashley.  Yes, ASHLEY - Head Judge Len Goodman thought that Julien's performance was as good as ASHLEY'S.  !!!!!!!!!!!! (etc)  I know the judges' scores are usually all over the place (frankly, the only consistency is that they are always arbitrary, apart from Craig, maybe), but, to quote Len back at himself, COME ON!  Ashley's dance was probably one of the night's best – certainly from the boys.  Sure his samba bounce was a little mincealicious, but to say it was the standard as Julien's hot mess...  Nope.  And hasn't Ashley lost the baby weight quickly?  He might not have the inflation of an Artem or a Robin, but gosh he's taut.  

Sophie, representing lady Samba, is also taut – after THREE babies.  We met her rock star husband in the training VT, who has all the raw and potent sexual rawk charisma of a librarian – but there's certainly a market for that, even if it doesn't necessarily move like Jagger.  He also got to feel Brendan's bum against his man bits, so I bet he was glad to turn to turn up at rehearsals.  At first I was underwhelmed by Sophie's samba (we were always going to be let down after her aces charleston), but on second watch, I think I could be sold.  She's just quite naturally cooler-than-thou, and has a nonchalance in her movements which seem gawky and uncoordinated at first, but are actually pretty competent and charming when you take a closer look.  Well to me, at least.  AND she pulled off an outfit made from the offshoots of a Horror Clown costume stitched on to a gym leo and feather bumdress.  I also enjoyed how the whole thing dated Brendan as Proper Old – that was clearly not the first time he'd danced to All Night Long in a Miami Vice jacket with the sleeves rolled up.  He was there with Lionel the first time round - though I accept that in New Zealand that might have been some time after the rest of the world.

Still, as good as Sophie and Ashley might be, it's Natalie Corrie who is dominating.  That rumba!  I didn't even need to watch it in 'rumba mode' (you know, where the whole dance of lurrrve thing is so squirmingly embarrassing you have to watch behind your fingers, with one eye closed.  Copyright: my sister).  It was so good that I didn't notice Artem's naked chestbags until about halfway through.  Natalie's diamenté-encrusted mint green cossie with matching sarong shawl was a bit Florida retirement condo, but she was working it – and didn't even need the inbuilt support paneling or complimentary catheter.  

Will anyone match Natalie?  For pure talent, I don't think so, but Susanna has a fair amount of natural ability; if she pairs that with A Journey, maybe she could snatch a win...  After all, a significant part of the Strictly hardcore hate a trained dancer – RINGAH is a right old dirty word in some quarters, and whilst Natalie isn't quite living Van-Outen-Gate, it's not far off.  

Anyway, I'm delighted to see Susanna and Spexy Kevin getting on really well – despite the lack of fizz when they first met (probably as Susanna had only seen him glasses-free).  My crush on Kev develops apace as we watch him use football metaphors to teach dance - all the more impressive as I do not like football.  Their Viennese waltz certainly suited Love Week and Susannah danced well, in spite of wearing Wonder Woman Christmas decorations on her wrists (hardly the height of romance).  She also made it through the spins without vomming – mind you, Kev had helpfully choreographed lots of close hugging to recover from the dizziness.   

Aljaz also showed some generous choreographing – getting Abbey to jive from a sitting position, so she didn't get overly knackered.  Clearly Abbey has potential, but I wasn't too impressed this week.  Possibly I couldn't see past those terrible school girl socks over high heeled sandals – it might be on trend as a look (literally no idea), but yurgh.  Not wishing to dwell on the appearance-based bitching (by which I mean, 'dwelling on the appearance-based bitching'), I didn't rate Abbey's eye make-up either.  Oddly, that Twiggy look wasn't a great one for a girl with very striking eyes – it made her look quite toothy and sleepy, which isn't the ideal energetic Jive look.  Take note, all women and drag queens – if the model (“and TV presenter” ahem) can't work a style...

Iveta is therefore still the queen of sixties make-up, though this week she was rocking an American Smooth glamour puss stage-door stalker look.  Iveta and Mark are playing an excellent game, if you ask me; after two well danced but erring on the comedic routines, they toned down the comedy and upped the dance this week, before the judges could have a pop at the wrong emphasis.  Of all Len's seVENS, this was one of the better routines I think, even if the crazed-Lithuanian-fan-with-a-big-man-fetish-ends-up-in-relationship-with-the-object-of-her-affections is a bit of a bizarre one.

Of all the new pros, poor Anya is having the least impact – couple chemistry is EVERYTHING in Strictly and so far, she and Patrick Casualty haven't really thrown much personality in our faces.  Everything is nice and sweet and sweet and nice, but, it's also a little boring.  I remember very little about their foxtrot – possibly that Patrick was wearing a velvet jacket? (Nope, pinstripe.)  It was to... um.  Nope.  Sorry.  Maybe the latin will have more of an impact.  It's guns time, Mr Robinson.  When in doubt, whip 'em out.

Speaking of arms, hello Ben Rugby doing a rumba.  THAT was an improvement, wasn't it?  I'm talking about the dancing, OBVZ.  Mind you, it helped that Kristina was writhing with every last fibre of her uber bendy dance being to sell this thing – am amazed she didn't collapse at the end and pass out such was her dedication.  Certainly I needed a sit down afterwards.  (Not really – I was already sitting down and stuffing my face with delicious pizza.)  

Less impressive was, I'm afraid, our Rachel, who I think could be the early 'shock' exit in the next few weeks.  Sure, she's stunning, which hides a multitude of sins, and sure she's got Pasha, which provides a multitude of swoon, but in the end... she's just not that able, is she?  But I do like her, even though I'm probably the exact opposite of her target market (namely, all dads 'forced' to watch the show).  My working theory is that Rachel was actually grown in a genetically modified lab under the project name: Gorgeous Brainy TV Lady Wot Won't Intimidate The Older Men Folk And Will Therefore Help Man Show Ratings All While Women Don't Hate Her Either.  I mean how else do you explain it?

My god, are we nearly done yet?  Who's left.  Ah yes, Deb and Fi, as they are not known.  They did well, I thought – they both provided strong performances which were highly enjoyable, even though I probably prefer a dance where Anton gets booted in the shins.  I note that Anton was wearing baggy white slacks AND a longer jacket for this week's waltz – taking no chances that there might be some additional trouser silhouette on show.  Meanwhile Deborah's quickstep dress was also a wise Wardrobe call – I liked it rather a lot.  She is totally slipping Wardrobe some dragon money.

Is that it?  Of course not.  For I have, of course, saved the best til last. I ask for a respectful hush then a rousing whooping and a hollering, for it is time.  BRACE YOURSELVES AS WE WELCOME.... 

Dave Myers and his partner Karen Hauer performing their incredible paso doble!  

Or, as Dave calls it, their “paso do-ba-lay”.  Look, I know I should know better, but the fact of the matter is this – I just bloody loved it.  For me, the clincher was the moment when he did the horizontal V sign at Karen The Bull with one arm, attempted a flamenco pose with the other, whilst his face... well, according to Bruno, his face looked like he had smelt a “butt cheese”.   But to me, Dave's face was channeling the conviction of a matador DOMINATING HIS ANIMAL.  It was hilarious and wonderful and his capework was exceptional.  I voted for him five times - and no regrets.

Yes, there comes a point where the comedy hits its limit and it's not right for truly strong dancers to be sacrificed for a Nancy, but we are far from that point at this stage.  Right now, I'd be happy for Dave to take out Julien, Rachel, Patrick, Fiona, Deborah and maybe even Mark and Ben.  Settle in for some special performances to come, peeps - and even if you don't like the 'dances', no-one with a heart can resist Dave's backstage chat.  When Tessa assumed that he needed a sit down, and he happily replied that he was fine – my, how we chuckled.

In the end, it was a pretty cracking week really, in spite of the lurrrve theme.  I very much enjoyed Ola and James' ten year anniversary pro dance – it was nice of James to double dip for his dance-wedding whilst Ola made the effort by wearing a wedding dress tutu that revealed her pants as she span down the aisle.  Kristina was also excellently cast as head bridesmaid –  newly single and ready to get so drunk even Anton might be on the cards, even if that bitch Bruno caught the bouquet.  

The pro-partner swapping continued on Sunday – just as I thought I'd got a handle on it, Aljaz 'boyfriend of Janette' danced with Iveta, then he and Aliona got paired up.   Regardless of my feelings for la Vilani, boy, can she dance – and all the better in a casual white summer shirt dress which minimises any Betty Boop-inspired pout’n’wiggle and forces her to concentrate on the beauty of movement.  (This is a GOOD THING, Aliona.)   Iveta also got to dance with Anton as well as Aljaz.  Well, I say 'dance' - she flew around in a harness, whilst Anton donned Simon Cowell high-waisters and made half-hearted attempts to waft his arms in her general direction.

Off the dance floor, Bruce was back and.... well, I coped.  As for la Daly, it was both Tessdressmess AND Tessdressyes – so we shall chalk this up as a relative Tessdresssuccess.  I did not care for Sunday's tangerine dream with chesty landing strip – there was really no need for a flesh coloured intra-boob gusset cut into the front of that dress.  Sunday's black number, however, was just the right side of little girl party dress and, shock upon shock, it fitted her!!!  Not a wonky boob or gut mirage in sight!  Claudia wears what she wears and was generally magnificent, as ever.  I still can't get over the shininess of her hair.

The competition is kicking in now, people, I think.  I suspect Julien will be next (comedy fact: my iPhone auto-corrects 'Julien' to 'JULIEN', like it knows how much he enjoys yelling), but after that, I really can't call it.  The Dave effect will wear off eventually, but I have a feeling he'll mow down some 'better' dancers in his hairy motorbike path....  (And for now, I hope he does.)  Oh, the excitement!  Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep watching!

Series 11 – Week 2

Well, we can’t claim to be surprised, can we?  Bye bye Tony, back to your life of Floridan sunshine and golf – I think you'll be ok, though you will wonder what the bloody hell your agent was thinking.  I'm also not too sure what Craig and Bruno were thinking – they were utterly vile to poor Tony.  We all knew he was woeful (we have eyes), but there was no need to stick the dance boot in quite so hard.  Why not focus on the positives – he completed the dance!  Let this be a lesson to all would-be entrants, DO NOT ADMIT TO HAVING NEVER WATCHED THE SHOW.  Bruno's vanity cannot take it.

Sorry to sweepstaker Laura, who loses her pound, and farewell to Aliona - your attempt to bring back floral bermuda shorts was mercifully short-lived but at least you got a beach holiday out of it.  And I did appreciate how she made the theme of their charleston 'I’ll throw in some Wii Golf and then I literally could not give a shit anymore - sure, Wardrobe, feel free to stick me in a Madge from Neighbours wig as I am done with this crapola’.  Come the last dance, you almost couldn't see her for dust.  I never thought I'd say this, but I have truly missed Natbot Lowe.

I wasn’t sure who Tony would face in the dance-off.  James Jordan has too much experience and steely competitive spirit to guide Vanessa directly to elimination and Dave Hairy Biker was just too wonderful for my mind to even entertain a hint of the possibility that he might be for the chop.  Mark, Deb and Fiona danced too well, so I suppose that only left Julien, who hilariously seemed to entirely misunderstand the very concept of a dance-off and was prematurely ejaculating his goodbyes at Tess before he’d even danced.  And like the judges were going to pick Tony - even over Julien?!  Ha!

I suppose the trouble with Julien's ker-azeballs tango (well, apart from the limited dance ability displayed by Mr Macdonald) was that there was just too much going on for a human brain to digest in one go, but it wasn't so good that anyone would want to go through that sensory overload more than once.  The best I can offer is a list of words – feel free to imagine them shouted in a Welsh accent (I understand if you'd rather not): Thrones Candlelight Massive Banquet Table Julien Matador Chiffon Sleeves Shoulder Pads Crystals More Crystals Diamanté Trouser Spurs Again Some Crystals WWF WTF Champion Belt Pop Socks Broaches On Your Brogues Marie-Antoinette Jeanette Manrara ManRARA ¡MANRARA! Hot But Overpowdered The Video For Mr Vain Meets Can't Speak French Strictly Singers Gaga Drowned Cat My Ears My Ears.

Phew.

Anyway, it was inevitable – and Julien gets another chance to out-fablas Cher. Err good luck.

And now a break from Strictlycad tradition and a (rather boring) word about structure.  Usually I blog the couples like this:

1. Loser
2. Dance off survivor
3. OMG whoever was totes the best
4. Sometimes two people were OMG totes the best so them too
5. 'Comedy' dance

And then it's basically bitchy sniding in order of Strictlycad whim, where I'll chat about whoever pops into my head next, before mopping up the rest and wondering which one I've inevitably forgotten.  (Cue plug for Ultimate Strictly - an AMAZING WEBSITE, perfect for all your Strictly blogging needs.)

But, frankly, with fifteen couples in the mix, the usual blog whimsy structure is asking for trouble, teeth gnashing, hair pulling, tears and shouts of BUT WHICH BLOODY CELEB HAVE I MISSED FOR GAWD'S SAKE, I'VE EVEN REMEMBERED RACHEL GODDAMMIT.  Therefore, discipline is needed.  A system of sorts.  So, kids *deep breath* I'm going to go chronological.  If Tess can manage, I'm sure we can too.  I might even use handy numbers!  Revolutionary.  Normal service will be resumed next week.  Or maybe the week after.  Or possibly when we're down to 12 couples, or never.

We begin with the Saturday preamble shamble: No Bruce, which means no awkward thigh grab.  Bruce is ill, so we wish him a good recovery - I recommend lengthy, lengthy rest, and in fact, why not take next week off too Brucie?  I’m happy for my licence fee to support your sick pay - for your own good, of course.  The upshot is that wonderful Claudia's on subbing duties and looks ENTIRELY MARVELLOUS in a green and black dress of immaculate taste and hair so shiny Julien Macdonald will want a swatch to boost the reflective nature of his sequin collection.  Even Tess has stepped up – sure, she's wearing a glittery floor-length wetlook bin bag, but her figure looks fantastic.

That's the housekeeping taken care of – let's get ready for some highly organised, number-based blogging!

Couple #1. Susanna Reid and her partner Kevin Clifton, dancing the tango. Susanna had an excellent mohican French plait and danced fiercely, but there was a major costume issue for me: an excess of ice white, a colour which has no place in a tango, ESPECIALLY not in stiletto form.  The second disappointment was that Kev From Grimsby was not wearing his horn-rimmed glasses, which means I fancy him precisely not at all - whereas as soon as he puts them on, it's all HELLO, why Mr Clifton, with your spectacles on, I can totally understand why you've bagged Karen Hauer.  It might seem like an odd trigger, but the Kev From Grimsby's Glasses Fetish is an Actual Thing, and I know because my Twitter timeline goes utterly mental when he puts his specs on. (I've even developed my own hashtag ‘#spexy’ and if you think *that's* excessive, someone's account got suspended this week for excessive use of the term 'sexglasses'.  Resistance is futile, frankly.)

Couple #2. We've dealt with Poor Tony and Teflon Aliona.  I propose we move on.  No-one needs to be reminded.

Couple #3. From worst to (one of the) best (see, this is more or less how I'd blog it anyway, numbers schumbers!) with Natalie ‘Corrie’ Gumede and Artem's brilliant waltz.  The production tried to shoehorn in some jeopardy by claiming that Natalie gets really dizzy in practice and MIGHT FALL DURING THE DANCE, but we all knew that she was going to nail it and lo, she did, with the first nines of the series.  A deserved score too – mainly for the crazy sharp head whips she's nicked off Natbot.  I hope the British public don't punish Natalie Gumede for being so good so soon.  They can punish Artem for not wearing his Cossack Bootaloons though.

Couple #4. Dave Hairy Biker and his partner Karen Hauer.  To be honest, I didn’t care what they did this week – I'm still buzzing from that cha cha (go on watch it again), which will most likely remain my dance of the series.  Karen looked adorable in her fifties housewife chic (perfectly channelling Oona Chaplin from The Hour - a reference many of you may sadly miss, as it got cancelled, despite being the best drama the BBC had put out since State of Play, so booo to that).  Dave, in an ivy green suit, was... well, sure, it wasn’t great from a technical perspective (limited natural rhythm and the lifts needed a bit of cranking), but the whole thing was still utterly joyful and brought a giggle to the face.  Dave's effort and concentration is certainly admirable and so what if he had pan hands – there was a clear food theme.

NB: Sod kisses, I like my eggs in the morning fried.

Couple #5. Patrick Casualty and Anya.  I wish I could fully get behind my sweepstakees, but there's just something lacking this week.  Chemistry, perhaps?  Though I appreciated the effort they both put into their training VT, fully committing to pretending they were having fun 'letting loose' at the club, when the whole thing was clearly filmed at 3pm with no access to the cocktail menu – there's only so much atmosphere a light-up dance floor can convey in and of itself.  I couldn't really get on board with their sardine tin tango (or whatever that weird wind-up key thing was supposed to be), though Beat It was a better choice than I had feared.  Also, I know Patrick is buff and all, but this is a family show - take it up a size, Wardrobe.  No-one wants Casualty to have a chaffing incident to deal with.

Couple #6.  Deborah Dragon and Robin Windsor.  Oh Bobby, a cha cha to Respect?  Not straying far from your comfort zone, are you, darling?  Still, Deborah seemed to enjoy it and pulled it off pretty well, given the form that older women and latin dances have on this show.  “That was H - O - T!” said Tess – or possibly, “H.R.T”, it's hard to tell with her track record.  I love Robin, but do wonder why he keeps choreographing himself super fast spins that he doesn't always pull off balance-wise.  Maybe it's to big up his celeb.

Couple #7. Rachel and Pasha.  Wherein Pasha is dressed as a half peeled banana.  Rachel seems a lovely girl, but there's no way she should have ended up above Fiona and Mark in the leaderboard, Pash or no Pash.  Her salsa was a hot mess of ungainly limbs being flipped and some enforced bum shaking, all punctuated with a forced smile that screamed 'HELP HELP HELP HELP NO’.  She did look good in her ginger fringing though.  I suppose I should support a fellow Oxford University grad, but she didn’t demonstrate the sharpest mind in the pack by shouting “yay!” when Darcey gave her a 5 whilst the rest of the Tesspit stayed resolutely silent.

Couple #8. James Jordan and Feltz.  Mr Cad was tiling our bathroom on Saturday night and managed to time his return to the living room the instant Feltz finished, so TEN for timing.  As for Vanessa's waltz, it seemed that James had wisely choreographed a series of mini spins and 'running in hold' rather than any real waltz steps, but the main blatant vote-puller was choreographing a storyline which was basically: 'Vanessa learns to overcome the pain in her life by falling in love with the emotional power of dahhhhnce, but will she be so overcome that she'll break down in tears mid-dance, and possibly chalk some evocative emotional words on the dance-floor'.  Feltz made it through tear-free, you'll be indifferent to hear.  The best bit was Claudia saying “If Vanessa's waltz brought a tear to your eye – er, in a good way, call ...” and James Jordan taking genuine offence, ready to kick off, before remembering that the world LOVES Claudia and he'd be a fool to take her on, and forcing his sulk into a grimace-smile.

Couple #9. Our dance-off victors Julien Macdonald and Jeanette ¡Manrara! - already blogged, innit.  By the way, bravo to Jeanette for making full use of the probs budget and getting a full length banquette table wheeled in.  Props for props, you might say.  Let’s move swiftly on, shall we?

Couple #10. Fiona Fullerton and Anton de Beke.  And, incredibly, an Anton latin that didn't make me want to hurl a brick at the TV screen, in spite of his gamekeeper's tweed waistcoat – all the rage in the streets of Havana.  (Not that I have a brick at hand during the show.  The risk of using it is probably too high.)  Fiona could have turned out a really strong performance if she hadn't messed it up at the end, which she happily signalled by sticking out her tongue and openly talking about it at the judges' bench.  The judges were kind though – Darcey was very impressed by Fiona’s “triple spin into that plank”, to which, uncharacteristically, Anton did not react in the slightest  – turns out that’s because he was dealing with a plank of his own.  Yup, people, a deBekerection live on national TV.  Why mention it?  Cause I can't unsee it, so you're all going to have to suffer that particular eye bleach.

Couple #11. Mark Benton and Iveta Supersharpshooter.  Mr Cad hasn't really seen much of Iveta and although he suggested she looks like an “anorexic hamster”, I think he's found a pro-dancer to replace Katya in his affections.  He keeps repeating “I haff some exercises for you” and looking terrified yet delighted - apparently it's the way she “stands dead straight like a school marm/Bond villain”.  Bless.  Mark and Iveta's salsa wasn't really a salsa, but Mark has real potential I think.  However, they must NEVER let his hair be styled into a greasy Bieber EVER AGAIN.  That was awful!  On the other hand, Iveta's cat eyes and tennis ball cheekbones were truly designed to be made up in that sixties way.  She looked fabulous.

Couple #12. Sophie EB and Brendan Cole.  WHAT a performance!  From Sophie anyway – it really was an excellent charleston; Gatsby cool, perfectly suited to Sophie’s slightly awkward Bambi giraffe style.  AND she looked incredible in that spangly playsuit – truly incredible when you remember that the laws of human nature dictate that no mortal being looks good in a playsuit, spangly or otherwise.  The only downside – Brendan, and his disturbing insistence on choreographing several lifts which involved face to crotch or crotch to face.  I suspect that’s why he's been barred from charlestonning until now.

Couple #13. Ben Rugby Cohen and Kristina, and their waltz – it's still the Colin Salmon height problem, only with added gun and chest muscle to get your arms around. (No complaints, though, AMIRIGHT?)  It was a fine but forgettable romance-by-numbers waltz: candlelight – check, fouffy skirt – check, man torso too stacked to get a jacket round – check. 

The real bombshell was Tessa (if that's what Dave calls her, that's what I shall call her) announcing that next week is Love Week – what the ACTUAL WHAT?!?!  A theme - that's not even a real theme – already?!!!  My Twitter timeline broke down in apoplectic rage and quite right too.  Not happy.

Couple #14. Abbey Clancy and Aljaz ‘Ally-ash’ Skorjanec doing the cha cha – in which Ally-ash was forced to wear a hideous shirt of pink and sick green polyester and his nipples did all they could to escape the dance-floor, such was their embarrassment at being associated with that shirt.  Abbey was good again - with those pins and that stomach it's hard to look bad - but she still had a James Jordan sulkathon at the end, thinking she'd messed up.  I’m not warming to her, if I’m honest, but I remain bedazzled by the Team Abbjaz's ridonkulous beauty.  So much so that I just used the word 'ridonkulous'.  I do apologise.

Couple #15.  ATD and Ola doing an American Smooth.  In case you hadn't heard (YOU HAD), Ashley had a baby this week – and whilst the adorbs factor will garner some votes, I’d guess that one section of society will not be phoning in to vote for Ashley: new Mums, all imagining how pleased they'd be if their husband eschewed paternity leave and pissed off to dance with Ola Jordan whilst they had to stay home alone and deal with a gorgeous but entirely helpless being requiring constant help, even with the very few things it can actually manage: namely pooing, feeding and sleeping, ALL WHILE HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE REPERCUSSIONS OF JUST HAVING HAD TO PUSH SAID TINY HUMAN OUT OF THEIR VAGINAS.  So well done ATD – you done a dance on national TV.  But your wife done a birth.  She wins.

AND LO WE HAVE MADE IT TO THE END!  Well of Saturday.  I can jack the numbers.  Yessss!

My main notes from Sunday are: OH MY GOD PRO-DANCE!!!  That was a CRACKER.  Sure it lacked bootaloons, but Artem’s outfit was still highly special.  Chiffon shirt, slit to the navel, yadda yadda, seen that before, but then HELLO RED WONDERBRACES!  Like a manly push up bra – hoiking the chesticles up and over.  Ridiculous, of course, but eye-catching nonetheless.  Also eye-catching, those ball-poppingly snug trousers.  Mercy!  We also got a better sense of the pro-pairings – Artem and Jeanette Manrararararararararara, Aljaz and Iveta (which is definite wife-swapping, seeing as Jeanette and Aljaz are an item), Pash and Anya, Kev and Karen, and then the usual suspects, with Anton on a lonely limb.  (I suspect there will be a ballroom reshuffle when the du Beke services are required for some snoozesome foxtrotting, but how merciful to be saved from Anton in chiffon and braces for now.)  It was a frenzied and energetic performance, with lady legs and hair extensions flying all over the shop.  Ace stuff.

On the #tessmessdress front Claudia’s obviously having a good influence on la Daly, who looked fine enough in a black and white tube dress.  Sadly, the same cannot quite be extended back, as Claude was in a jumpsuit.  The best I can offer is that, as jumpsuits go, it actually looked ok, and the shoulder detail was charming.  But but but... why not just make it a dress?

In other news, Matt Goss performed a highly enjoyable swing version of When Will I Be Famous, which was... unexpected.  (Let’s see if Harry Styles turns up on Series 43 of Strictly Come Dancing to do a crooner cover of What Makes You Beautiful.)  It also struck me that ‘the yoot’ won't have a clue who or what Bros might be, and will think it's pronounced to rhyme with ‘hoes’ or ‘clothes’, as if it were a line in a Budweiser commerical ("Dudes!"  "Bros!").  Ah well. 

By the way, if you’re wondering what happened to twinny Luke, fear not, as he’s a Hollywood actor now (of course he is?!?!) and a successful one at that - Wikipedia tells me that “he won the Ultimate Badass Award at the PollyGrind Film Festival for his role in the zombie-vampire film The Dead Undead”.  Fancy.  ALSO – and this is the beauty/danger of Wikipedia, I learn that Craig Logan co-managed Pink and Matt Goss has authored a children's book called “Bear Crimbo”.  Who knew?!

I fear we’ve gone off topic.  Let’s leave it there, before I start to tell you what Let Loose are up to these days.  Brace yourselves for Love Eggs Week next Saturday and the return of Bruce to 'run' the show.  In the meantime feel free to keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep Wikipediaing!

Series 11 – Week 1

Good evening and welcome to the endurance test that is watching all fifteen couples come down the stairs and be introduced one by one (“Fiona Fullerton: Bond Girl and author” - never will that get tired). My GOD, IT TOOK FOREVER. So much so that my senses were dulled and I didn't even have the strength to bring out the Bruce hate. One gag even made me quietly chuckle, but I refuse to remember/admit which one.

Did we all enjoy the new titles? I feel like I might need to blog them separately, as I have MANY NOTES, including comments on Julien's immovable face, Tony's unfortunate pointing, Natalie's amazeballs hair, Robin's cheeseballs wink, the inevitable Feltz gurn... Course, the best thing about the titles, and indeed the best thing about the entire two shows, was *drum roll*....

Mr Dave Myers and his wonderful wonderful exuberance.

OMG – I am officially #teamshakeandbake. I love that Hairy Biker. I LOVE HIM. I don't really have many comments to make about his dance with Karen – I just urge you to click here and watch that cha cha over and over, then over some more. It's the stuff of knowing joyful comedy dance legend (as opposed to the painful embarrassment of lumping around a large confused ball of lady-lycra in a truss to music).  It was brilliant -  right down to the respectful tribute to the infamous Rihanoff-Sargeant floor drag. Dave was having the time of his life and so was the audience. Karen Hauer, I salute you.

At the other end of the scale... well, fortunately there are no eliminations this week, so Tony Jacklin will get to dance one more time, before the inevitable first exit, and the return to what must be a truly crappy little life in a mock ye olde Floridan mansion with easy access to constant sun and a golf course. Poor Tony. His waltz with Aliona was pretty poor, but it wasn't horrific as the judges made out and there was a certain sweetness to the father-daughter-saying-goodbye-at-the-rail-station-in-the-fifties storyline (well that's how I'm interpreting it). Aliona even shocked us all by actually getting Tony to try some steps (that he forgot them is by the by) and not just parking him at the back and prominently wiggling herself at the camera. But fear not – it's Tony Does Latin next week, so there's still all to play for! The Vilani derrière can still be shook, as Tony lurks behind, brandishing a glitter-dipped golf club.

But who will join him in the dance-off? (If they're doing that this year – I have no idea.) Points-wise, it's Dave, but he was MAGNIFICENT, so I refuse to entertain that notion. I suspect that it won't be Feltz either – as James coached and choreographed their cha cha very, very well: limited steps disguised by storyline, get Vanessa to have an audience-pleasing pop at Craig the instant she can – regardless of whether he's been mean to her or not (he wasn't, really) – and pop open the Jordan shirt in the hope that the laydeez will fancy him as much as the laddies fancy his wife (wishful thinking, as impressive as the extra fake tanning may be... but it will probably garner a vote or two). To be honest, the fact that Mr Cad didn't throw the nearest heavy object at our TV screen whilst Vanessa was on... well, that suggests that she is already ahead. She gives good soundbite – and that can carry you a looooong way.

Elsewhere, at the top of the scoreboard – as good as it was, I don't believe Abbey's waltz should have outscored Natalie. I did enjoy Abbey and Aljaz's romantic waltz, but, well, who wouldn't? Aljaz choreographed a dance that involved two smoking beauties pressing their faces together in a nearly-snog for ninety seconds (Crouch must be spitting astroturf) whilst their perfectly pert bottoms whirled around a dance floor encased in white spandex. Talk about a showcase...!

But Nat's cha cha cha was to RASPUTIN, so that makes it the best routine of the night, regardless of who's dancing it. (Strictlycad tip: next time you're at karaoke, ensure Rasputin makes at least one appearance – it's AMAZING.) Moreover, Natalie danced it fabulously and then there was Artem's Cossack outfit, complete with nipple-chaffing bolero jacket and those hilarious pantomine boots – that they looked more Muskateer meets pirate is neither here nor there, they must surely join Ian's Red Trousers on the 'Greatest Ever Strictly Costumes' list. Artem was clearly in a great mood – responding to Tess' question “Russia's greatest love machine?” with a comment-less nip flash before collapsing into giggles. Oh Artem, you keep smoking those special cigarettes.

Good thing the jivers weren't in similar state of relaxation – the jive is crazy-tiring. But, for me, it has no place in Week One. Patrick and Susanna both did very well indeed, but I just felt annoyed that I wasn't watching them pull off a truly, truly impressive version a few weeks in, when they have a better sense of what to do with their limbs. The training footage threw up some interesting stuff though – Kevin looks really rather attractive in his horn-rimmed specs (not a fetish I was expecting, nor one I hope sticks around) and I very much appreciated Anya's training technique of encouraging Patrick to indulge in vest-wear and getting him to hoik his shorts up to his Casualties.

But I'm afraid Patrick, for all your rehearsal vest action, ultimately it was Ben Cohen that scored victory in the arm-off.  Benz Gunz Wonz.  Which is good, as Ben's not that great a dancer yet, is he? But I have hope – which is not IN ANY WAY blinded by my serious Cohen crush, oh no – that he will get better and better. A 'journey' if you will (cue QI Klaxon Noise). And I know you'll all agree – because, well, who wouldn't (fancy Ben Cohen)? Exactly.

Ashley pulled out a better cha cha, though he needs to tone down the mince a little, I think. Not that we were allowed to speculate about ATD's sexuality – for we were reminded at least seventeen billion times that he has impregnated a human woman and she is about to give birth at any second. Mind you, I was very pleased to see everyone promoting the notion that 'attending the birth of your child' was more important than 'dancing in a televised dance competition' and that if the contractions started mid-chassé, then it was only right and proper that he should literally stop what he was doing and run to the Batmobile.

But my favourite discussion of progressive values was Julien and Bruno's chat (well 'shout' would be more accurate) about when to be “bent” and when to be “straight” (in dance terms, you understand, so tango and rumba respectively). Bruno clearly forgot he was on national teatime television as he waxed lyrical about the need that “some times it pays to be straight, you know for the money...” before abruptly remembering where he was and cutting it short before he said too much - mere seconds away from an Ofcom fine or a Tom Cruise lawsuit. Julien behaved exactly as those of us who watched him last year on It Takes Two could have predicted: constant yelling and putting the emphasis ON exactly THE WRONG word TO ensure THAT the comic timing FELLLLLLLLLL flat. His cha cha was similar – nearly hilarious, but not quite there, as we watched Julien, and his frozen face of joyful botoxed surprise, attempt to break Janette's neck by shaking her from side to side. In hold. With some voguing.

Clearly no-one dared use Vogue whilst Erin 'don't just stand there let's get to it strike a pose there's nothing to it' Boag was in town, but Janette had the spunk/naivety to just go for it. I can't tell if I'm happy or sad that the Strictly singers didn't attempt the “Greta Garbo and Monroe, Dietrich and di Maggio” rap bit. Mind you it would probably have been more successful than their attempt at View To A Kill – ouch. Especially as Bruce chose that very song to introduce the “wonderful wonderful orchestra”. Fiona did well – I'm a sucker for a scarlet tango dress, but there did seem to be some trademark de Beke plonking-not-teaching; if not as much as in previous years. But mainly Fiona won me over by following me on Twitter (errr, why?! And surely not for long) earlier this week.

The other 'older lady tango' – Deborah with Robin – was also fairly well executed and very well-dressed; a beautiful dragon green dress. Deborah has clearly resolved the feud with Wardrobe since the launch show (she's in, investing in a flesh gusset material manufacturing scheme).

However, the best tango, by a country mile, was Mark and Iveta's jewel thief mini cartoon – so enjoyable and bloody well danced! May the big guys stay in for some time. He was WOEFULLY under-marked.

However, I'm not sold on tangos in week one either – I'm with that group of Strictly purists who think the first dances should be cha cha and waltz. (Though probably they don't think that that's because it's preferable to get all the boring waltzes out of the way whilst the celebs aren't that good at dancing.) And lo, I did find the waltzes snoozesome by and large. Sure Rachel and Sophie looked beautiful, but I have almost no memory of the content or competence, nor any motivation to go back to the iPlayer to find out.

I also don't want to return to the iPlayer and risk stumbling on any more TessDressMess – Saturday's yellow number might have been ok made from a material that didn't give Tess' clearly excellent figure a bumpy spud sack texture, but as it was – sheesh. Sunday was purple belted hot air balloon chic – if that's all the rage on the catwalk, we're in trouble.

I wasn't a fan of the pro-wear either, in their black and white opening Sunday number. Also I couldn't quite work out which pro is partnerless (surely not Artem – that would be INSANE). Probably there'll be some wife swapping going on.

Other than that, on we crack – it's looking most promising indeed, and, bar a likely early exit from Tony, hard to call. Ah yes, to business – I meant to collect my sweepstake money at my birthday partay on Friday, but totally failed, on account of being too busy being the perfect hostess and not because I was to be found on the dancefloor from 9pm, at least one pint of cider sloshing in my hand, ordering my guests to form a giant conga through the pub, the pub's garden, the pub's roof terrace, and, well, it might have then become a reverse conga, but memories are limited. GOOD TIMES.

Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep drinking!

2013 Partnerships

Susanna Reid and Kevin Clifton
Drawn by Holly

 

If their post-matching interview hadn't already made it obvious, here is the confirmation – this is not a pairing made in the land of chemistry.  The body language from Susanna just screams 'ESCAPE ESCAPE' - it's clear she wanted a partner to fancy (perhaps a Russian with rock hard man boobs) and Kevin is just... well, he's a child, isn't he? 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 

 

Sophie Ellis-Bextor and Brendan Cole
Drawn by Justine

 

That's some unflattering eye-sequin gluing, if you ask me – how unusual of wardrobe to try and sabotage natural beauty. (AHEM. HOLLY VALANCE. FLAVS. ETC.)  Also, the shiny peach theme reminds of the toiletries range M&S continually pushed in the eighties, which is probably not a compliment.  I am however enjoying Brendan's attempt to subtly beef his own guns – look at the tension in his fist.  Vein-popping. Or so he wishes.

 
 
 

Patrick Robinson and Anya Garnis
Drawn by Catherine
 

How can he hold her up by the bottom of her thigh, whilst her bum is balancing on pure air?  (Core of steel or a little something called Dodgy Photoshop?)  Anyway, turns out Ben Cohen is not the only male celeb with arms. Check this photo out: #nurseguns

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

Rachel Riley and Pasha Kovalev
Drawn by Abi

 

Oh Rachel.  Oh dear.  What is that 'pose', do we think?  A half-arsed flamenco attempt or a go at the classic Southern belle 'woe is me' fainting stance (no idea what dance that would be)?  Pasha's eyebrows say it all, really - though perhaps that's because they've styled him as a racing driver.  At least Rachel still has that lovely scarlet dress for her inevitable (and swift) return to the day job.

 
 
 
 

Mark Benton and Iveta Lukosuite
Drawn by Ben
 

I can't decide if Iveta is an Aliona – all self-serving flirtation and oversexed me-me-meisms – or a rather more sweet and innocent girl, who sometimes (and utterly inadvertently you understand) poses like a total ho-bag. A propos of NOTHING, anyone seen that Channel 4 dieting show, the name of which escapes me.

 
 
 
 
 
 
  

Ben Cohen and Kristina Rihanoff
Drawn by Katie
 

Ain't no thigh clamp like a Rihanoff thigh clamp. And let me be clear: who wouldn't? Kristina's look is serene happiness. Ben Cohen's look is *indeterminate mumbling noises and a Strictlycad hot flush*

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Julien Macdonald and Jeanette Manrara
Drawn by Isabelle
 

Firstly, let me say how much I enjoy saying 'Manrara'. Manrara. Manrara. Try it.  SEE.  Manrara.

Secondly, Julien's face is always the same – frozen in surprised FABLAS joy. I have strong botox suspicions.

Thirdly, if he's already at this level of diamante encrusted lacy chiffon, I can barely imagine where he'll be come Blackpool. Halloween is going to be special.

Fourthly, Jeanette’s tassle skirt.  Yes please. MANRARA.

 
 
 

Vanessa Feltz and James Jordan
Drawn by Louise.

 

Vanessa’s knee.

James’ testicles. 

A meeting of minds.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Fiona Fullerton and Anton du Beke
Drawn by Dan

 

Fiona apparently calls Anton ‘Mr Wonderful’.  Excuse me whilst I barf up my own intestines.  I fear we may be in for several weeks of Anton this year. Good luck everyone.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Deborah Meaden and Robin Windsor
Drawn by Jules
 

I don’t like Deborah’s flesh-coloured batwings, but the fringing is good.  Also of excellent note: ROBIN’S ENGAGEMENT RING.  Come wedding week, I will unquestionably ignore my own self-imposed Daily Mail Showbiz website ban, mainly to see how Robin and Mr Robin dressed their puppy.

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Dave Myers and Karen Hauer
Drawn by Jo

 

Karen Hauer has been carrying out a blatant 'WE ARE THE FUN ONES' Twitter campaign (sample hashtags: #HairyDancers #TeamShakeandBake #beansontoast) and I have 100% fallen for it.  Turns out that Karen’s lack of personality last year was down to dancing with Nicky Westlife. (A member of Westlife sucking all colour out of life. WHAT?  Shocking, I know. ) Dave just seems a delight. A DELIGHT.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Ashley Taylor Dawson and Ola Jordan
Drawn by Beth

Excellent mood face from ATD, even in purple satin. Sure, Ola’s hair could do with a brush, but I suspect her target market isn’t focusing on that part of her anatomy.

 

 

Natalie Gumede and Artem Chigvintsev
Drawn by Terry

Oh my God – did anyone realise Artem had such massive pectoral muscles?!?!?!  Wowsers!  Who knew. Etc.

 

Tony Jacklin and Aliona Vilani
Drawn by Laura

My favourite thing here is Aliona's superimposed giant slanty head - and yet she still looks pissed off.  By the way, you know how we all laughed the thousand laughs of a hyena when Aliona was paired with Tony? Well, turns out Tony lives in Florida, so the BBC had no alternative but to fly Aliona out to the Sunshine State for their three weeks of ‘training’. Her Twitter feed is mainly photos of glorious sunshine and smug showing off.  That girl ALWAYS falls on her feet.  Apart from when she had to train with Johnny Ball. And in that case...

 

Abbey Clancy and Aljaz Skorjanec
Drawn by Vicki

 

Abbey’s turquoise ruff looks well dirty.

 

P.S. Hiya Aljaz.

 

2013 Launch Show

Welcome to the LAUNCH SHOW! It's Class of 2013 Hot Mess Group Dance time – which refers this year to the pros' red carpet performance; apparently the Strictly powers-that-be have decided to kick things off with a shoddy line dance flash mob, complete with dad-dancing Stayin' Alice thrusts and finger points. Erin would never have stood for this.  However, it does pick up back in the studio (Aliona may be my current favourite-to-hate, but boy can she dance), with pros going into manic overjive - lots of gurning-pouting and crazy jig legs – basically an amazing dance competition to see who can dislocate their knees the quickest. The judges are wheeled on on mini-stages (Darcey already has THE DRESS OF THE SERIES, a slinky evening gown made entirely of silver shimmyness), Tess is carried on stage by the old male pros (lying rigid in crucifixion shape is her best dance attempt to date) and the worst lookalike stunt man ever, in a wig made of grey cat moltings, air dives through a hoop, before we jumpcut to real Bruce doing his 'tap dancing'. Clearly the budget has not gone on special effects this year.  

It's on people! Strictly Come Dancing 2013!  And therefore welcome to TessDressMess 2013 – la Daly's wearing a gold sequinned bib stitched on to a flesh coloured tights gusset, with her boobs merrily unhitched. New year, same old disregard for breast wrangling.  Bruce makes a 'joke' about Stonehenge - and arghhhhhhh, WHERE IS CLAUDIA?

Let's focus instead on our 2013 'celebs', looking suitably excited and nervous.  We really are relying on the descriptors to know who they are this year (apparently Fiona Fullerton is a "Bond Girl and author”) but Z-list celebs do not necessarily make a bad show, so my hopes are actually pretty high.  Indeed, let me present the main evidence: Ben Cohen. And lo, a crush is born! (Though my sister informs me she has fancied him since at least 2003, I agree a decade stint will take some beating.). Elsewhere, Deborah Meaden has obviously not invested in Wardrobe's sequin exchange business venture, as they've opted to give Feltz a more flattering body truss, so that's Round One of the Alpha Female-off to Vanessa. (Actually Deborah seems rather lovely and spends her spare time delousing pigs, so boo hiss to you Wardrobe.)  Bruno is already in a frenzy at the man totty on offer which he tells us “tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiickle ALL my fancies”. Len sidesteps the lack of fame by referring to the contestants as “great characters”.

It's time to match up the laydeez, and so we pan through all the male pros – a terrifying line of giant man pecs, and Anton. The new boys are introduced, sexy Slovenian All That Aljaz (disappointingly pronounced Ally-Ash) Skorjanec (pronounced... literally no idea, and nor does Bruce) and Grimbsy lad Kevin Clifton, who must be all of 12 years old. (Though somehow Kevin has managed to get fellow pro-dancer Karen Hauer to agree to marry him, so we await hidden depths.)

Sophie Ellis-Bextor gets Brendan (STRICTLYCAD PREDICTION #1: CORRECT), Natalie 'Corrie' Gumede gets Artem (STRICTLYCAD PREDICTION #2: INCORRECT – this will be a theme), Deborah Meaden gets Robin (the Robin Windsor Fag Hag Fabulous Awakening will still happen, people) and Rachel Countdown gets Pasha (Ooooh - nice! Sure, I predicted it completely wrong, but maybe Pash won't have such a light series after all!)

Len then calls Artem a “great big hunky-dunky”, which, for me, earns him his series fee.

Time for the new pros to take to the floor and try to outdo each other.  The new girls need to put down the draggy make-up bag and eat MANY MANY MANY pies, whilst the great big hunky-dunky old man pros need not worry that their chesticles will be out-inflated by the new dudes, who are rather flat of pec. I can't really tell the difference between Anya and Janette yet. Iveta looks as dead-eyed and vampiric as ever, but she was awfully nice last year (or was that just compared to Aliona? Probably a komodo dragon would look sweet next to Aliona) so the Strictlycad judgement is suspended for now, but am sure I will grow to love and/or hate them all.

Tess explains that Natbot picked up an injury in training so won't be in this year. The lady pros are presented to the masses and I continue to want to throw pies at the newbies. Kristina has not let her break up with Joe Calzage reduce the power of her turbo boobs.

More matchmaking: Patrick Casualty gets Anya (who momentarily forgets her own name, before realising THAT'S ME and squealing.  Good stuff, I could grow to like my sweepstakee), Ashley Hollyoaks gets Ola (our first double winner?!) , Julien FABLAS! GAUDET! OBE! Macdonald gets Janette (she immediately humps him Kristina-on-Donovan style, perhaps thinking of the dresses she's going to get out of this), and Tony 'Golf' Jacklin gets... Aliona. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (My Twitter timeline duly collapses with the sound of hysterical laughter and shouts of IN YOUR FACE VILANI).

Over to a VT of the pros and celebs meeting, kicking off with a speed dating section, which I dearly wish had been a show in itself (come on It Takes Two - MILK THIS), then it's training time which is brief and fairly non-eventful, though it turns out Karen may have some personality – teaching Hairy Biker Dave the cha-cha with a food analogy, beans on toast, no less.

Abbey Clancy is matched with gorgeous new dude Aljaz (and - once it computes - Peter Crouch's face falls to the floor, *evil laugh*), Fiona Fullerton gets Anton (but of course. Though I have done without his pelvic thrust celebration). There's only Feltz and Susanna Reid left, to be matched with James Jordan or Kevin Clifton, and Kevin looks TERRIFIED! The producers clearly realise that, in the current TV climate, matching Vanessa with a man-child might be slightly controversial, so it's James who lands The Feltz (whoop two Strictlycad predictions  out of 15 correct!).  Ergo Susanna gets Kevin.

For reasons unknown, Rod Stewart then performs (which, oddly was the one thing which almost transfixed the three year old I was watching with), before Flavs and Louis returned to do their charleston, which was jolly good - Louis can still do rubberface and gymnastic leaps. (Those disappointed Louis wasn't back in his Showdance tights may wish to refer to this 'news' article). 

Three guys left, and only one of them is Ben Cohen *swoon*, so Kristina, Iveta and Karen nervously await which of them will be landed with a shorter contract by drawing Dave or Mark - who seem LOVELY.

Hairy Biker Dave gets Karen (it was the beans on toast chemistry, surely. She actually seems not unhappy and giggles that they will be 'The Hairy Dancers' - if she forgoes the Veet, I will be seriously impressed). Ben gets Kristina, who breathes a BILLION sighs of relief (and sorry Anya, but this is the couple I want to win – sod my own sweepstake). So of course Mark Benton gets Iveta, who promptly lapdances towards him. Mmmmkay.

Was it just me or did that take FOREVER?! Finally it's Group Dance time – Natalie and Ashley stand out, and Patrick, Susanna and Fiona look like they might not be half bad. Sophie looks a bit wooden, Feltz looks gawp-eyed petrifying and Ben Cohen... hips... guns... dribble...  However, somewhat shamefully, my favourite bit is the moment of intentional comedy choreography - when Kristina reclaims the Donovan thigh clamp, jumping on to Dave Hairy's back and riding him like a motorbike, whilst he makes engine noises and does some hand revs. DEAR GOD - I swear none of that is a euphemism.

So there we have it!  And I think it's going to be ALL RIGHT!  

The 2013 sweepstake line-up goes a little something like this:

Abi – Rachel Riley and Pasha Kovalev

Ben – Mark Benton and Iveta Lukosiute

Beth – Ashley Taylor Dawson and Ola Jordan

Catherine – Patrick Robinson and Anya Garnis

Dan – Fiona Fullerton and Anton du Beke

Holly – Susanna Reid and Kevin Clifton

Isabelle – Julien Macdonald and Janette Manrara

Jo – Dave Myers and Karen Hauer

Jules – Deborah Meaden and Robin Windsor

Justine – Sophie Ellis-Bextor and Brendan Cole

Katie – Ben Cohen and Kristina Rihanoff

Laura – Tony Jacklin and Aliona Vilani

Louise – Vanessa Feltz and James Jordan

Terry – Natalie Gumede and Artem Chigvintsev

Vicki – Abbey Clancy and Aljaz Skorjanec

(Good luck everyone! I probably should have collected the money from Louise and Laura before the show, eh? Ladies can I have your £1...? Ladies...? LADIES?!?!)

Three weeks, then it's showtime - the first live show is on Friday 27th September, which, in a display of classic schoolboy error, I'll miss because of my own bloody birthday. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!

In the meantime, keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep paying!