2012 Strictly launch show

And so it's back!  Strictly Come Dancing 2012.  Series 10, this time with added celebrity.  As in, they're ACTUALLY celebrities this year - well apart from the one who's a celebrity reporter, but that's all deliciously meta, ironic and post-modern, right?  Things we have long since associated with the layered and sophisticated televisual experience that is Strictly.  Or is that just me?  Just me?  Surely not.  Anyway, shall we?  Let's!

 

Oh, the excitement!  And indeed, oh the hilarity, thanks to the 'genius' addition of amazing (terrible) lyrics to the theme tune - my, how I laughed.  Sadly, the sung version was for One Night Only and we'll be back to instrumental business as usual come the competition itself.  However, the seed has now been set, and I for one will definitely be singing the moving and emotionally-charged words: “Let's go dancing tonight!” (da da da da da da) “We're gonna party the whole night!” every week til Christmas.  Take that Morrissey - I'm totally smelling an Ivor Novello.

 

The updated theme tune also formed the basis of the first pro dance, where the pros did a fair amount of running through the Beeb's distinctly unglamorous corridors, pausing here and there to hip-thrust, shimmy and lift Tess up like she was the Messiah.  The pros gave it their best shot, but the sparkly outfits (Stripper Barbie and chiffon-for-him) weren't enough to detract from the pebble-dash and lino surroundings.  Back in the studio the pro couples then took turns to see who could show off the most vigorously – everyone gave it a good old go, but, even wearing the contents of the shredder stapled to her pants, it was Flavia (yes, and Vinthent) who stole the show with their two seconds of classy Argentine Tango.

 

We were treated to more shreddings and chiffon in pro dance #2, which was a neat mini-showcase for new dancer Karen Hauer, who seems rather, well, lithe.  Also showcased were Natalie Lowe’s pants, as she enthusiastically lifted up the meagre fringing over her buttock area whilst she shimmied away.  Heaven forbid someone should miss her bit.

 

The pro dances also brought sad confirmation that Pasha really has butchered his handsomeness, Samson-style, by shaving off the sides of his hair and slicking blonde streaks and grease through the top locks.  It's tragic.  However, it did leave room to remember just how handsome Artem is when he's giving it some grrr-dance-face and isn't looking stoned.  He and Karen and were on fire!   It actually showed up how slightly (comparatively) rusty some of the older pros were looking.  Not Anton though – his latin was as consistently shoddy as ever.

 

Off the dancefloor, TessDressMess was wearing a Stella McCartney thing that I'm sure some will like, but I did not.  My interest in designer labels is limited, but whenever I see a couture dress that seems to hate the woman wearing it, I ALWAYS discover that it's a Stella McCartney.  (At least she did well when creating Tom Daly's impossibly small diving trunks and the rest of the cracking Team GB kit.)   This wasn't Tess' worst exhibit ever, but another year goes by and we are no close to solving the mystery of how a woman with a great and enviable figure always ends up wearing something that makes her look like she's got middle-age spread, a pot belly or, in this case, still in dire need of that sports bra.

 

As for Brucie, same old, same old.  And that is OLD, as we know.  He continued to eat up precious dancing minutes by spouting out some terrible gags and struggling with the autocue.  However, I have to admit to proper lolz at one of the jokes: after welcoming Bruno, Len and Craig “the returning judges” (cue applause), he said “and you will have noticed a new face on the panel – yes, once again, over the summer Craig has had some work done.”  HAHAHA! It's funny cause it's TRUE.

 

In response, Craig did his best pantomime villain face and gave it some bitchy “darling”, Len then admitted that he'd actually heard of all the celebs this year (bet the Beeb were thrilled), before Bruno announced he was “literally thrrrrrrrrrobing to the point of HYPERVENTILATION”, which, loosely translated, means he was experiencing Louis Smith-induced arousal.  Helloooo - him and the rest of the nation.

 

Then Darcey was allowed to speak and inexplicably used her moment to say something pervy about Jerry Hall's legs.  (Fortunately there was no mention of the “sexy pahty” she promised Ricky Nipple when she guest-judged a few years back - DEAR GOD, I DIED CRINGING).   You know it took me a good twenty minutes before I remembered that we woz without Alesha this year.  How telling.

 

One more pro-dance to report back on – Darcey and the WONDERFUL Ian Waite.  I had high expectations after their elegant balletic jive a few years ago, but, in truth, I was a little disappointed with their American Smooth come Rumba come Show Dance.  In fairness, there were many positives - I loved the choreography, the lifts were epic and she still creates these *incredible* lines, but I swear I saw some wobbles here and there and she just looked a bit uneasy.  Maybe she was thinking about Jerry's legs still...  Let's concentrate instead on Ian – boobalicious.  Someone's been joining Robin down the gym - and is going to wear a silky purple open shirt to bloody well show it.

 

(The pairings happened too and I've detailed my thoughts here.)

 

The lovely Mika then performed, with his own dancers (BAH), before we were eventually treated to the least worst first celeb group dance I think we’ve seen to date!  Hooray!  Well done series 10 slebs – sure, it had an air of the usual omnishambles, but at least it looked like they knew where they were supposed to be standing and more-or-less what moves to do at any one time.  Louis was unsurprisingly excellent, not only backflipping, but spinning Flavia around in a move that the Daily Mail thought was performed by two pros (I know! Their fact-checking record is usually so exemplary!), but it was hard to pick out anyway who appeared overwhelmingly rubbish.  The truth is, there's no-one I really want to leave first and the first dance-off is going to be TOUGH.

 

Can’t wait.  See you on the 5th.

2012 Pairings and their Sweepstaker

Fern Britton and Artem Chigvintsev – drawn by Vicki

Team Fartem. YES PEOPLE, THAT'S TEAM FARTEM. When Artem was announced as her partner, Fern looked stunned, but no-one else was surprised that Artem wasn’t given a frontrunner this year. (Perhaps Fern sees herself as a contender? Ahem.) To express her delight, Fern started kneading Artem’s naked midriff and saying “it's like Christmas”. She then likened him to a library book - if it's Fifty Shades of Grey she has in mind, Artem could well be in trouble.

 

But how will they do? It would be a wise move for Fartem to quickly claim the 'I just want to get to Wembley' slot.

 

Dani Harmer and Vincent 'Vinthent' Simone - drawn by Dan

The teeniest team Strictly has ever known – and Dani must be particularly teeny, as Vinthent looked a few inches higher than her.  She might have just been nervous, but she didn't give off much charisma or charm on the night - more of a surly, sulky vibe.  I'm looking forward to seeing what pet name Vinthent gives her.  I suspect an Italian swearword.

 

How will they do?  Vinthent has charm enough for two, but I fear the core Strictly audience might not warm to Dani. 

 

Victoria Pendleton and Brendan Cole – drawn by Jo

Oh yes, that's a good idea – give the bully taskmaster partner to the girl that cries a lot.  However, if they get on, then there's much potential here.  Brendan looked pretty delighted with his pairing and I too was totally bowled over by how completely gorgeous Victoria is, in spite of her extreme Croydon facelift.  And that stomach!  Olympic.  She and Flavia will have to have an ab-off.

 

How will they do? It was hard to tell whether she had rhythm in the group dance, but if she does, she's gorgeous and fit enough to easily make the last few weeks.

 

Sid Owen and Ola Jordan – drawn by Justine

Sola power (thank you The Internet).  Ola did well to disguise her irritation that she didn't get one of the younger ones (i.e., Louis), but Ricky was over the moon and immediately admitted having had erotic dreams about Ola.  He didn’t specify whether or not husband James had been involved.

 

How will they do?  Wembley or thereabouts.

Nicky Byrne and Karen Hauer - drawn by Abi

Hilariously, Venezuelan Karen has no idea who Westlife are, nor has heard any of their songs.  Lucky, lucky girl.  As for Nicky, that Irish charm is hard to ignore and I'm sure a core part of the Strictly viewership are long, long, longstanding Westlife fans.  Nicky's hoping that the rest of Westlife will be picking up the phone and voting for him. Well, apart from the bankrupt one, probably.

 

How will they do?  Top 5 at least.

 

Johnny Ball and Aliona Vilani – drawn by Martine

Well, Johnny seems lovely and Aliona seems quietly resigned to her fate that it's only fair she shouldn’t get someone who is young, fit and clearly destined to win again this year – she’s even got rid of the red hair, which more than hints at her muted mood.  However, I predict her first routine will still be like all of her others.  She'll plonk Johnny in the middle of the stage and do lots of sexy dancing around him.  For the record, I'm not remotely thrilled at the prospect.

 

How will they do?  Think of a number, Johnny!  Is it a very, very, very low number?  If so, that will probably be the number of weeks before you leave.

 

Kimberley Walsh and Pasha Kovalev - drawn by Ben

I'm just really upset about Pasha's awful new hair and I'd ask that everyone please respect my privacy at this difficult time.

 

How will they do? Finalists, surely.

 

Jerry Hall and Anton du Beke – drawn by Laura

I find myself in a quandary.  My feelings about Anton are well-documented and well-known, so, in any ordinary world, I’d be hoping for an early du Beke exit.  However! Jerry Hall: amazeball.  I flipping LOVE her!  For me, she was the star of the launch show – such a captivating presence and, best of all, properly funny. (“I'm hoping to inspire drag queens everywhere.”) That drawl!  No wonder rock stars were like putty in her well-manicured hands.  I just hope Anton actually tries to teach her to DANCE. Her comedic skills will be more than showcased in the interviews.

 

How will they do? They'll beat out a good few better dancers before it's their turn to leave.

 

Lisa Riley and Robin Windsor – drawn by Louise

Against the odds, the happiest coupling of the night!  Lisa looked properly elated and even though Robin is TOTALLY DUE A GOOD ONE, he sprinted over to Lisa, looking thoroughly overjoyed, immediately bear-hugged her, lifted her up and span her around – proving those enormous gym bunny arm muscles are not just for show.  Lisa completely won me over – she seems a delightful girl.  “Chubbas can move" she predicts.  I do hope so.

 

How will they do? If there’s any justice, they'll stay a good few weeks for pure joyfulness.

 

Denise van Outen and James Jordan – drawn by ME!

Team Van Dan!  Team VaJ!  Team Essex!  Etc.

 

How will they do?  I don't think they'll win (damn that £1 investment), but I'm hopeful for a semi.
Final. 
A semi-final.  Sheesh.

 

Michael Vaughan and Natalie Lowe – drawn by Terry

We've already been told to expect lots of Aussie/England rivalrous banter – I fear that will require a full circuitry fembot reboot and they'll have to get the engineers in to launch the Sense-of-Humour override and prepare to rewire the Steely Ambition motherboard, before they can input Banter Upgrade version 10.0.

 

How will they do? Natalie, for all my reservations, has shown herself to be a strong teacher (it's part of her programming), so they could do well.  Wembley for starters.  So long as he can, you know, dance.

 

Louis Smith and Flavia Cacace – drawn by Beth

What a score for our Flavs!  She's still sporting her Duane Dibbly hair, I see.  

 

How will they do?  Winners.

 

Richard Arnold and Erin Boag – drawn by Isabelle

Poor Erin – she totally deserved a shot this year.  She's been there since the start and has never won.  Surely that's not fair recompense for having to deal with Anton?  But she put a brave, if manic, face on it anyway.

 

How will they do? Isabelle won't be winning the sweepstake this year.  I fear they might be first out.

 

Colin Salmon and Kristina Rhianoff – drawn by Julie

Weirdest pairing ever – Kristina barely reaches his nipples.  Also, and more importantly, Kristina’s new hair is too flat.  Get the hairspray back out, Kristina, and start backcombing, pronto.  Frankly, I’m on the edge, Strictly pro hair-wise, and need some to see some platinum volume to make it ok.

 

How will they do?  I fear the British voting public won't give them the telephone backing their dance attempts may well deserve.  Let’s see if they survive the first few weeks...

Disclaimer: if I'm wrong on my predictions, it's cause of the dance-off.  OK?  Ahem.

2012 Celebs - the boys

Richard Arnold
Daybreak's Soapy Dick – because he does the soap and celeb goss, you seeeee. He's as camp as all the seasonal festivities and his enthusiasm for tans and sequins is already well documented on Twitter. He's also fan of retweeting support for himself - not an advisable practice; my finger has already hovered over the 'unfollow' button. I think he could entertain us during the few short weeks the BBC will allow an ITVer to 'shine'.

Could be paired with: Flavia has worked wonders with the 'comedy' character, but surely its someone else's turn this year. *prays for Aliona*

Johnny Ball
Well he's lovely, isn't he, but it won't be a long Strictly stay... Cue the maths jokes from Len for as long as he does last - basically until his fateful first Latin. Johnny does salsa. Hmmm... not sure I want to think of that number. (GEDDIT?!?!?)

Could be paired with: without wishing to repeat myself... Flavia has worked wonders with the 'comedy' character, but surely its someone else's turn this year. *prays for Aliona*

Nicky Byrne
The other anonymous blond one out of Westlife, with a well-documented ability to wear shiny grey suits and stand up off a stool. I wasn't too fussed and then he tweeted the expression "holy shitballs" to describe his forthcoming nerves/excitement, so I've come around.

Could be paired with: Erin? She needs a good ‘un for (what always feels like) her last stand.

Sid Owen
Rickaaaaaaay.
Meh.

Could be paired with: Ola? She’s been training the halfway houses for years, so no reason she won’t get another for 2012.

Colin Salmon
An act-TOR and simultaneously both the most and least famous of the crop. His face will be internationally known, but his personality hasn’t been overtly branded in the nation’s glossy/gossy mags - and who cares about pure talent? If your failed relationships and beauty parlour disasters haven’t been mentioned repeatedly in the pages of Take A Break, you risk lacking key voting power.

Could be paired with: I just googled “Colin Salmon height” and he’s 6 foot 4. So Natalie. Obvz.

Louis Smith
World class gymnast. Pommel Horse wonder. TOTES SWOON. How do I love thee, Louis? Let me count the ways: taut, bendy, strong, poised, young, fit, FIT and with excellently groomed facial hair. I'd have actually cried if he'd not been on the final list.

Could be paired with: He's a mini, so Natalie Lowe will be off somewhere throwing a temper tantrum and contemplating reprogramming her leg length. I’d love Kristina to get her thighs clamped around him, but I suspect he’ll be put with Karen Newbie or bloody Aliona. Pah.

Michael Vaughan
Cricketer. Um. Not sure what else... I have actually read his Wikipedia entry, but my eyes glazed over pretty quickly and there wasn’t a section entitled ‘Daily Mail Controversies’, so we shall have to wait and see. Cricketers do do well though.

Could be paired with: any of the above.

2012 Celebs - the girls

Fern Britton
Cuddly TV presenter, on the fringes of national treasuredom (?). She may not seem primed for the glitterball, but she showed some cheeky potential when she did the Christmas special with Matthew Cutler a few years back.  (Oh, lovely Matt Cutler... I was delighted to see that he made the guest list for Katya's (RIP) recent Hello sponsored wedding to Klaus Kongsdal, her wonderfully named dance AND life partner, but I’m sad to say our Matt’s not looking quite as, um, taut, as you might remember. Perhaps he’d just had a few too many glasses of champagne.)  As for Fern, give her a good partner and she might even make it past Wembley...

 

Could be paired with: Robin would be a delicious match.

 

Jerry Hall
Texan giantess/supermodel. Has the moves like the ex Mrs Jagger (boom boom), but I'm not hopeful they will be that good – especially not if the ‘former Stone wife’ track record is anything to go by (Jo Wood anyone?).  I’m hoping for grande dame hilarity though.  Also the timeless comedy visual of Jerry standing next to Vinthent.

 

Could be paired with: Anton. Or Artem perhaps - surely it's his turn for an oldie and he probably won't manifestly sulk throughout the launch show if he gets Jerry.

 

Dani Harmer
CBBC's Tracy Beaker – which I've not read or seen, but I understand to be a 'spirited' character, so if Dani was type-cast in that role, her training partner might have to brace himself.  She's only 23, but looks considerably older and fairly terrifying.

 

Could be paired with: Vinthent (for littleness).

 

Victoria Pendleton
Multiple Olympic champ. Gorgeous of face and muscled of thigh. It's like her entire sporting career was designed for her to retire, clutching golds galore, just in perfect time to do Strictly Come Dancing (and if obtaining a place on SCD isn't the ultimate motivation for seeking fame and success, I don't know what is).  She has the focus, fitness and flatness of stomach.  Let's hope she can dance.

 

Could be paired with: my sweepstakee James Jordan please.

 

Lisa Riley
Famous fatty – with a body of sterling work on Emmerdale and You’ve Been Framed.  But before you discount her, listen to this quote from the Mirror: “Someone who has seen Lisa Riley says she can do the splits, so will be more flexible than people realise.”  Wowsers! Someone who has SEEN Lisa Riley, says she can do the splits... Let’s just take a moment to reflect on the quality of post-Levenson journalism.

 

Could be paired with: no idea. She would squash Vinthent, but that wouldn’t deter the Strictly powers.  Her inclusion will be totally worth it for Artem's freak-out if they are paired together.  *Crosses everything*

 

Denise van Outen
Ladette brekkie presenter turned musicals darling. She should be able to quickly grasp choreography and direction but I fear she might display that joyless Ricky Nipple determination to win that just turns everyone off – besides Natalie Lowe already has that role and fembot is programmed to destroy.

 

Could be paired with: Brendan. She seems tall. Is she tall?

 

Kimberley Walsh
Kimba, my third favourite Girl Aloud (she's the one that's not ginge, partied-out, bitter that her solo career tanked or Cheryl Cole) surely stands a fair old chance, but because she's a stage school graduate, rather than because Girl Alouding provided a good dance training ground.  Honestly, have you SEEN them dance? Their early videos are a hilarious hot mess, so since that, they've basically had them sitting on motorbikes or lounging around a Grand Design, to avoid having them, like, move.  Kimba may need to slightly tone her Northern for SCDs core audience, unless the Chelseh effect has permanently broken them in.

 

Could be paired with: Pasha.  Mmmmm.  Pasha.

2012 Celeb rumours

Range of celebs mooted so far, as usual.  *spoilers obvs*

 

Sian Williams will apparently take the BBC Breakfast presenter slot (so, ironically, she probably will have to go up to Salford at some point after all).  Other ‘older’ glam lady entrants include Fern Brittain (NOT COTTON) and Jerry Hall (Anton salivation overload – he’ll be going the Vic Reeves leg rub as we speak.)

 

On the man celeb front, Johnny Ball is a fairly persistent rumour – no doubt Poor Flavia is preparing to work wonders with the 'comedy' contestant again.  Excitingly, Chris Evans is also in the mix, as is Great British Bake Off master baker Paul Hollywood (!!!!!) – that would surely produce the ultimate Venn diagram of middle-classness and Surrey will self-combust.

 

Nicky From Westlife is surely too old to count as this year’s hunkster (do we think he’ll struggle to learn a dance move that goes beyond getting up off a stool two thirds into the routine?)  I haven't really seen any other suggestions as to who the young gun might be (other than Prince Harry HAHAHAHAHAHA), but I’m sure Natalie Lowe is already sharpening her acrylics, before popping down to the production office to help ‘persuade’ them pick a tall one.

 

The pretty young thing with extensive stage school training will apparently be Kimberley from Girls Aloud. She’s the slightly dull one who was in Shrek.

 

As for sportspeople, there are a fair number on the list so far, as we all desperately try to cling to that joyful  London 2012 glow.  Olympians Victoria Pendleton, Rebecca Addlington, Beth Tweddle, Steve Redgrave and that rather foxy older rower (I was going to say 'posh rower', but that's a given) who was in the Eights have all been mentioned.  Non-Olympians include Michael Vaughan and Ronnie O’Sullivan.  Amy ‘Skeleton’ Williams of Winter Olympic ‘fame’ has also been listed here and there – she should be quite happy to attempt the scariest lifts, seeing as her job is to go face first down a lengthy ice track, on a tray.

 

Finally, there’s Charlie ‘Janine’ Brookes (not to be confused with Charlie ‘not Janine’ Brooker – we can but dream) and some other soap stars I’ve never heard of.  Also the woman who owns the dog that won Britain’s Got Talent - in your FACE, Cowell.

 

The big reveal is on Saturday 15th September and the show starts proper on Friday 5th September.  In the meantime, let’s ‘enjoy’ these in-no-way-staged pictures of Aliona just going through an informal private work out in a London park.

2012 Draw

Aliona Viliani - Martine
Anton du Beke - Laura
Artem Chigvintsev - Vicki
Brendan Cole - Jo
Erin Boag - Isabelle
Flavia Cacace - Beth
James Jordan - Catherine
Karen Hauer - Abi
Kristina Rihanoff - Julie
Natalie Lowe - Terry
Ola Jordan - Justine
Pasha Kovalev - Ben
Robin Windsor - Marf
Vinthent Simone - Dan

2011 - Strictly Christmas show

It's Strictly, Jim, but not (quite) as we know it.  Now then, depending on your Christmas/New year boozing situation, you may or may not remember that, about a billion years ago, on 25 December 2011, traditionally known as Christmas Day, there was a Strictly special.  I wrote half a blog on Boxing Day, then went off to a land where there woz no internet for the last few days of 2012 (where I ate, drank and was generally merry, even though I also had to pass on the £14 sweep-pot to my sister) and didn’t get round to finishing it.  I hope you all survived without my words.  Tough stuff, I imagine.  Anyway, I’ve finished it now, so cast ye minds back...

Da da da da da daaaaaaaaa etc.

The Christmas show is an odd one, isn't it?  A bit like Week 1, with nervously enthusiastic celebs, still rather 'raw' at dancing, but with added baubles, tinsel and Christmas tunes (am still waiting for a rumba to Band Aid), and with all four judges on the sauce and happily channelling the Alesha Dixon approach to chronic over-scoring.  Which is not to say that I didn't enjoy the show - it was a fun, messy, festive blast, even if it's not quite the same as the Real Ting.

Question number one: how much dancing can you squeeze into a Christmas special?  Well it depends on how much time you have left when you've allowed for the number of Christmas puns Bruce can make out on the autocue.  This year, they opted for five celebs to perform, meaning there were just five pros to take on the opening dance – you'll note that's an odd number, and therefore a slight challenge for those accustomed to a dance form based entirely on male/female partnering.  However, Vinthent, Katya, Anton, Erin and Ian 'may his return to the floor be long and fruitful' Waite took to five-way partner swapping with gusto, donning Sarah Lund Christmas jumpers and performing a very, very slow Christmas jive.  (My god, it was practically slo-mo, but what can we expect – it was an Anton latin, so, speedy jiving would be too much to ask.  Indeed, Anton tried to distract us from lack of speed by doing extra high kicks, but WE WEREN'T FOOLED.)  And although it wasn't vintage stuff, Erin totally flashed her pants and it also featured Vinthent being literally tossed (ahem) to Ian, who picked him up for a fabulous cheesy-grinned V-legged lift, which I loved – for I will never tire of their teeny and tall comedy visual.  (In fact, please note that this blog post will basically be a manifesto for the return of Ian and the retention of Vinthent.  Everyone happy with that?  Thought so.)

Anyway, after Anton had forced everyone to jive at half-speed for a minute or so, some giant crackers were opened up to reveal the celebs hiding inside, looking only marginally claustrophobic and cramped in the squat position.  And thus we welcomed Barry 'boxing/Norn Iron' McGuigan, Simon 'from Blue' Webb, Su 'she’s the reason I don’t wear dangly earrings with glasses’ Pollard, Charlie 'Janine off Eastenders' Brooks and Debra 'does that impression of Davina, oh you know the one...' Stevenson.  Fairly famous, I'd say!  I haven’t checked with my dad to see which one he’s heard of (the ultimate fame test), but I’m thinking he’d have heard of Pollard and Janine, at least.

As for the pairings, it was all a bit business as usual - at first glance, anyway:

Sportsman for Erin - tick;

Young hunk for Katya to terrify into submission - tick;

Older comedy lady #1 for Anton to shunt around the floor - tick;

Older comedy lady #2 for Vinthent - ... hang on a second...!  No tick!  Vinthentho got a youngerer 'un this year!   Wowsers! 

Ian's partnering also defied convention – he didn't get a very tall lady celeb, as per usual, but got the average-heighted Debra, who looked fairly tiny by comparison. (Which made me wonder if Ian was fired due to lack of tall female celebs...  Surely not?  But if so, then that is OUTRAGOUS!  If the BBC thinks there's a lack of giant lady celebs, then I say "OI BBC - MIRANDA HART!"  I know she's like very tall marmite, but I'm pro-Hart - she's the Strictly superfan’s spiritual leader.  Miranda for 2012 – DO IT BBC.  Her and Professor Brian Cox, please thanks lovely.)

Right then, celebs introduced, it's time to get on with the show!  And so without further ado.... let's slag Tess' dress off.  Awful stuff!  Hooray!  Up top, taxidermist-chic and a rather mangy feather corset; like wardrobe had popped over to Slimbridge Wildfowl Centre and pritt-sticked on a bunch of flamingo feathers that had malted off and gone a bit manky...  Also, it looked well itchy.   Bye bye TessDressMess for another year.  Looking forward to seeing what monstrosities will appear again come September 2012.

And then, after some Bruce waffle (thank gawd I had a whisky to hand) and an unnecessary make-up splurge on Craig as the charleston-ing Grinch (too random for me), we finally got down to the dancin'.  First up, Katya, partnering Simon Blue,  and looking especially delighted to have a young hotty on her hands - so much so, that she decided to ignore any advances feminism have brought us, and went for 'wifey in yellow mini-pinny cooks Christmas dinner for oversexed hubby and does a little strip' as the theme for her cha cha cha.  It clearly suited Simon, who managed oversexed very well indeed.  Credit where it is due, he was better than most of this year's lot in Week 1, and certainly had the macho gurning down pat already.  I'd be happy to see him back for the full series, really, and not just because of his obvious dance ability or his perfectly symmetrical face, but because it's always nice to see that the gym buffing that (selected members of) Blue put in pre-Eurovision hasn't deflated.  (Oh Costa.  Bless your love for pies.)

I also particularly enjoyed Craig's assessment of their performance: “AMAZONIAN!" I.e. “LIKE A WARRIOR WOMAN.”  My, how I chuckled.  Do we think CRH's maybe running out of multi-syllable words denoting praise?  I mean, what else can explain him calling Simon a girl?  (Hmmm... don't answer that.)

And then, pray respectful whooping, as Ian Waite took back his rightful place on the Strictly floor.   MANYLEVELSOFYAY!  What a delight to see those lengthy limbs back in shiny dance trousers, and, in this case, also reclining on a Christmas chaise longue.  Debra's dress was a little odd; a ghettofabulous jive dress sown on to a swishy elegant foxtrot gown, but I suppose that's BBC budget cuts for you – sometimes you just gotta recycle.  They also made use of Debra's impression skills to bring Claudia into proceedings – Debra really is good at voices, innit?  A little word on Her Royal Winkleman whilst I'm here.  I think Claudia's slightly wasted on the Sunday show – Len's Lens has potential, but it isn't quite enough for Claude to live out her full crazy.  Zoe did a very fine job babysitting It Takes Two, but ultimately I want to see Claudia back next year – she can bring the baby to work or something, am sure a Winkleman toddler on screen would just heighten proceedings.  Anyway, I think you're entitled to flexible working after maternity, so maybe a job share could work?  Mmkay, thanks.

I’d also like more Erin on It Takes Two next year – she’s a flippin' gem, that woman!  (Worth having to bear Anton, almost.)  There are many reasons why I love Erin; one reason, for example, is that you can never tell if she's happy with her partner or wants to bludgeon him with the glitterball.   (Absolute poker face.  Or maybe botox...?  Either way, years of practice with Anton.)  Anyway, she and Barry put in a lovely, joyful quickstep, even though she's about a head taller than him in heels, and she also managed to maintain the lovely frock run she'd (mostly) had this year, right down to fairy lights in the bun – not a euphemism.

And then... the Pollard.  Did you know that she had a pop career?  That passed me by, until Radio 4 (yes that's RADIO 4), brought it to my attention, when MarkGatiss actually picked her as one of his desert island discs (Certainly Su covering Frieda fromAbba's 'Come To Me (I Am Woman)' is not without charm. Su clearly drew on all that experience for Strictly,  arriving on the floor in furs, riding on a white sleigh (apparently it doesn't count as 'messin abahht' if it's Artem and Pasha pulling you in), before Anton fancy-footed his way towards her (and if you weren't already feeling ill from excess turkey...), stripped Su of her furs and revealed her to be dressed as a Christmas tree; typical Anton really - why bother teaching any dancing when you can dress your partner as a festive ornament and shunt her around a bit?  Not that Su seemed to care – she was loving it all, talking incessantly throughout (whether rehearsing, dancing or being judged) which quite brilliantly culminated in her attempting to stab Craig with an invisible icicle.  Craig, ever measured, faced by the violent attack of a sixty-something woman with a weapon made of air and her own imagination, swiftly defended himself by brandishing a chair in Su's face.  Excessive much?  (Probably not, really – I'd back Pollard, if we're betting.)  She scored poorly - and that's in a competition where the tens were being thrown around like Anton's partners.

But they saved the best til last - costume-wise, anyway: Vinthent as mini Santa, resplendent in red satin.  Just wonderful - may he never ever ever leave (I’m terrified he and Flavs are going to be booted off.  I thought Vinthent was crying during the 2011 Final – may it not be so!!!!).  He and Janine basically had a right laugh rehearsing and then trotted out a pretty decent jive for a first attempt.  Going last is always an advantage, when it comes to scoring and audience voting, but I think they probably did get my vote too.  Mainly for Vinthent’s outfit, obviously.

And so, in the end, Charlie and Vinthent were the obvious winners with their joyful jive – indeed, as someone’s mum recently malaproped, it was a no-boner.  Let’s just hope that Ian and Vinth have done enough to secure their places on the dancefloor next year...  I'm still not sure if I prefer this format, where they get a brand new line up of beginners for a one-off, or prefer the old format of past winners and an inter-series contest, but this year's Xmas line up was a v. good one – I'd happily see any of them back.  Even Pollard (minus Anton.  However, I must be honest – I was less keen to see Russell back.  As much as he entertained and amused in the heart of the 2011 series, I don't think he worked as the main interval showpiece – especially as he wasn’t even wearing a new outfit (about 50% of his success during the series was down to his accessorising).  I'd have rather had some quality pro-dance action, especially as the overall standard was (understandably) lower than the last few weeks.  And it seems such a shame to waste Pasha when he's there. *sigh*  At least he featured in the utter shambles of a Christmas group dance we've learnt to know and not love, which was notable for a) Nancy’s sad absence and b) Anita and Robin not really bothering to do more than booze by the fire (perfectly in time to the music).

But, let us not be unhappy - the Christmas special’s a good way of letting us go gently, winding us down for another year.  Having said that, it’s now January and Strictly still hitting the headlines today, for Alesha is quitting – cue a chorus of indifference.  See ya Alesha, you woz able to use grammar correctly, but you were never going to get past Arlene-gate.  The real excitement centres on who will be next!  No doubt the BBC will mess this one up royally, but my vote goes to Karen Hardy, of course.  Should you care to speculate, the runners and riders have been helpfully catalogued by the Daily Torygraph.  I understand that there’s unlikely to be a decision until the summer – and a whole number of departures could happen between now and then, really.  After what’s happened in previous years, I’m not sure anyone’s safe...  Still, we have plenty of time to get happily furious about all of that.  Yay!

In the meantime, the showbiz calender must go on, and lo, you'll be DELIGHTED to know that it's only 145 days to Baku 2012 – Eurovision ahoy!  Rejoice!  Let rampant abuses to music and human rights guide our way.  Tour aside, Strictly's napping now, but no need to be sad, for you know that the Eurogays will keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep dancing.  And that's good enough for me!

Thank you and good night! xxxx