Well. WELL. Wasn’t that something? We're back with a bang, I think, after a few years in the meh-derness. Talent-wise, it's probably the least-duffer-filled line-up we've ever seen (they are all the dirty ringah, hooray!), but
it’s still the Ed Balls’ pout’n’thrust vine that burned itself into our eyeballs. My my...
Anyway, let’s take it
back to the top. (Yes, I’m afraid we do
have to.)
Launch dance
The theme brainstorm
obviously didn’t go further than some basic word association, did it? “Launch...
Pad?... Launchpad? Space?... Space! Sold!” Yup, the
producers somehow thought it appropriate to open with a Strictly Star Wars
theme – you didn’t dream it, it did happen.
I’d like to say that hot rocket mess was saved by a Winkleman fringe gag
and some homoerotic spacesuit hugging from Anton and Brendan, but I don’t think
it was, really. Poor Anton and Brendan –
already so old and so tired, but they must fight on for one more series in the
hope they’ll get to replace Len next year.
(Even though anyfewlkno it should be Karen Hardy, who didn’t
jive in hooker wedges on the It Takes Two sofa whilst smothered in glitter and
pregnancy for no reason, OH NO.)
What else did
we learn from 2016 A Dance Odyssey?
1. Strictly’s not above
throwing in a Gangnam Style reference several years too late (has the copyright
waned?) or a Uranus joke (#approve).
2. Silver lamé, much
like its gold cousin, takes a special kind of MC Hammer-style panache to pull
off – and if lithe professional dancers are struggling, then perhaps it’s an
unwise choice. (On the subject of unwise
fashion choices... but we’ll come to Louise’s dress later.)
3. The budget went on slutty
Barbarella roman sandals and a cardboard rocket which shat the celebrities
out.
4. Never again.
Let’s keep the cosmos away from ballroom
dancing, ok. Anyone who thinks Space Week is good idea should keep very quiet please. Kthanks.
So we've had our shoddy cut to the studio, Claudia's hobbled on and squinted adorably, the judges have been welcomed and Craig's been mocked, clearly there's only one thing left to do...
It’s time to meet
the STARS of our SHOWWWWW.
(I will not buy into
“our Strictly Stars”. I will not.)
Overview:
FIT.
TAUT.
GOOD AT DANCING.
Also, Ed Balls.
Now let’s make them
walk down some stairs, and see with whom they are doomed to showmance.
“TV presenter and singer, Louise Redknapp”
What was the shape of
that dress, though? Art deco lampshade? There’s no excuse to drape baggy lilac
spangles about her person like that - shame on you Wardrobe. Is it because your boyfriend still harbours a
nineteen year old crush on the Naked video? (Oooooh hypnotised etc") Look, none of us can fight the special place Louise will always have in the FHM
reader’s heart. Did I say heart? I meant penis.
Paired with: Kevin “three finals no trophy” Clifton – about to make
it four for four, I’d say; these two will be bland and blander, apart from when
he wears glasses, and with nothing offensive to offer the British public, they
are bound to go far.
“BBC Sports presenter, Ore Oduba”
Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Etc.
Quite handsome, isn't he?
Paired with: World Champion Ballroom Dancer and Regular User
of the Phrase 'Eee By Gum', it’s Joanne Clifton.
“Actress, Lesley Joseph”
In Year 8 maths, and on
more than one occasion, fellow pupil James Kingston told me that I reminded him of Dorian
from Birds of a Feather – yes, the older Chingford Jewess obsessed with openly
perving over gardeners and handymen. Seeing
as my school profile was essentially swotty Straight A “keener”/daughter of the
head of French, I’m not quite sure why James made that connection, but there
you go. On some level, it still disturbs
me, if I’m honest... Perhaps he thought
that I too would look simply incredible at 70 years old. Damn Lesley!
She looks amazing.
Paired with: du Beke, obviously.
It’ll be interesting to see how many lithe young things they take out
with the weight of the Anton fanbase behind them.
“Star of Judge Rinder, Robert Rinder”
Do I need to disclaim that
I have a sort of personal connection to the good Judge, with whom I have, on
occasion, partay-ed (he’s a good friend of good friends, who always remembered me not at all but charmingly pretended he really did, before throwing about some “you’re
fabulous”-es and being hilare. Yes, he really is like
that IRL). Anyway, I can assure you I’ll
try to keep my bias in check (like I did when Fiona Fullerton followed me on
Twitter and I felt I had to be nice about Anton), but ultimately I can’t help
but be Team Rinder. I genuinely think he’ll
be marvellous - abdominals, barbs and exaggerated dance gurn are a foolproof
Strictly combination, so very good, do carry on Rob. And I’ll regularly keep WhatsApp-ing the
dancing lady emoji to our mutual friends as a marker of my continued excitement.
Paired with: The New Ola/Kristina, Oksana Platero. Yes, they quite brilliantly gave the Sexy Foreign
Blonde-shell Beloved By Dadz to a married man married to another man. Also quite brilliantly, they made her shout at
Rob in Russian, which could be a touch politically dubious or could be totes fine,
depending on where she’s from in Ukraine or something – as you can see, I’m au
fait with the current International Relations sitch because Eurovision.
“Olympic Gymnast, Claudia Fragapane”
So that’s Cloud-iah,
not Claw-diah. Maybe I’ll just call them
Fragas and Winkles... Anyway Claudia (Cloud-iah) is teeny and
bendy and proper Brizzle, which bodes gert-lush-ingly well.
Paired with: the
new child dancer, the boy AJ. Honestly, he’s barely through puberty - so tiny young. Claudia (Claw-diah) spoke for the nation when she asked if his school had given him
permission to attend the recording. He
seriously looks 12 at most. And also,
very oddly, like a very handsome Beavis (of and Butthead fame). You might think that an impossible oxymoron,
but Tom Higgleston manages to be both attractive and look like Gollum, so
anything is possible.
“TV presenter and radio DJ, Melvin Odoom”
One of the Limerick
O’dooms? (Boom (o)boom.) I hadn’t heard
of Melvin before, but I love him already – few men would feel so immediately
relaxed in a jewel-encrusted shirt with a nun’s collar.
Paired with: ¡Manrara! My
hopes are SO HIGH. Now please excuse me
whilst I go watch the Macarena again. Wood
woz robbed.
“Model Daisy Lowe”
She seems utterly
delightful and not the vacuous nightmare I might have expected from the extremely
limited knowledge I had of her public profile.
She’s clearly a consummate professional - they made her wear
unsupportive chiffon lederhosen and scarlet over-mirkin, but she smiled her way
down those stairs like she was clad in Yves Saint Laurent.
Paired with: Aljaz. All the swoons.
“Actor and popstar Will Young”
Love Will. I was hoping he’d end up a coach on The Voice,
but this works waaaaay better.
Paired with: Karen Clifton, going beyond the Rhianoff thigh clamp and
offering full dance limpet – welded on to face AND body. Sure it was OTT embarrassing, but she’d
literally made it out of the last two for Balls unscathed, so her relief is
understandable.
“From BBC Breakfast, Naga Munchetty”
Naga (married name Haggar
– say it in full. I know, AMAZING) was a bit lost in the masses - but this
could benefit her, as it means she can provide *dramatic pause*... The
Journey. And she had the best dress,
which counts for a lot, no question.
Scarlet halterneck HELLO.
Paired with: DING DING DING Pashpot.
“World champion long jumper, Greg Rutherford”
Important proclamation:
I think Greg is going to be bad at dancing and I think he’s going to completely
hate being bad at dancing and I think we’re going to dislike him quite a bit
because of it. And I don’t want to
dislike an Olympian! But this is a man disappointed
to get a bronze in Rio, and I get the circumstances, but still - if he
didn’t like that, imagine how he’s going to feel when he loses to Tameka in
the dance-off whilst Anton *literally* dragging Lesley around in a rumba-hold makes
it through unscathed to Blackpool.
Paired with: Obviously the producers know the WANT-TO-WIN beast
can’t be tamed, which is why they’ve paired him with Natalie Lowe – it’s been
years since we saw her dead-eyed Natbot uber-Australian competitive side (ah,
those Ricky Nipple days) - a side which made us all utterly hate her... I don't think she's going to be able to resist, my friends. Mark my words of
doom – the forums are about to go full anti-Nat carnage.
“Eastenders star, Tameka Empson”
Who knew there was a right side of
foghorn annoying – Tameka's going to be GOOD.
Cracking signing.
Paired with: New Spanish sausage Gorka, who is muy scorchio, isn’t
he? Hola amigo. He also seems game for the dance ability
slash comedy chops that I suspect Tameka will provide. It’s all rather fantastico.
“Former Shadow Chancellor, Ed Balls”
If Portillo can
reinvent himself by squishing on to a tiny sofa with Diane Abbott and promoting
the non-heroin type of trainspotting, Balls might as well try spinning a
Russian dancer around the place and attempting a spot of cape wafting. (Portillo would have been a good signing
though, wouldn’t he...) It’s rough, as Ed’s clearly the weakest link, and has pretty limited popularity to fall back on,
but I’d like to see him last a few weeks and do what he can to stop inevitable
decades of Tory rule through the medium of dance.
Paired with: Russian newbie, Katya – she’s the one with the
Croydon facelift topknot, who's the wife of the new ginge pro who didn’t get a
sleb. With me so far? Basically, she’s not to be confused with the other Soviet newbie
Oksana, who – please see above.
“Reece Witherspoon lookalike, Laura Whitmore”
I mean, “TV host, Laura Whitmore”. But come on – they have exactly the same
face.
Paired with: Cut-price Vinthent, Giovanni Pernice, which is
preeeeeetty callous of the Strictly powers that be, given that Gio's just dumped Laura’s
mate Georgia May; all a bit hastag awks,
frankly... Laura is basically going to
have to use every ounce of Irish charm to negotiate the minefield that is
‘having sufficient chemistry with partner’ whilst ‘avoiding a showmance in the
name of girl code’. Mind you, I’m still
struggling to fully invest in Giovanni’s rampant heterosexuality. What’s the girl code on her outing him to
himself in the name of beautiful self-discovery? Hang on... wasn’t that a Made In Chelsea
storyline?
“Actor Danny Mac”
I don’t think he’s
real; I think the Hollyoak producers made him in Grow Your Own Teen Soap
Hotties laboratory.
Paired with: Oti, which makes them a coupling so beautiful our human
eyes might not actually be able to take it.
“And finally, singer Anastacia”
Little is more fun than
trying out an Anastacia impression, is it?
My go-to song is “my love is olalalala, my love is olalalala, something
something, sick and TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRED of always feeling sick and tired, left
outside Aliona, left outside Aliona, I’M OUTTA LOVE SET ME FREEEE”, which I’m certain is the right
lyrics in the right order.
Paired with: Anastacia seems rather aces and hilarious – so what
better outcome than to have elderly grouchbag Brendan drag her down. Hurrumph. But enough of such negativity! Surely this must be Cole’s swansong
series? Surely! (Please!)
And he has got a former MTV dancer on his hands. Maybe that will put a swing in his jive. I get it though, Brendan, I too get creaky when I stand up these days.
Oh, did you think we were done? Hahahaha - nope. We can't heartlessly fast-forward through the extras. It's not the X-Factor, darlings.
Pro-dance: CONGA!
Readers, I love a
conga. I bloody, properly, absolutely
LOVE a conga. I’ll battle through crowds
and manhandle dancers to get in one, and I’m
sad if I haven’t partaken in recent memory (thanks Secret Cinema, June 2016). So whilst I was slightly disappointed that we
didn’t get an actual conga during Gloria Estefan’s Conga, I was immediately
thrown into a good mood when Dave Arch's Wonderful Orchestra went full Miami Sound Machine. It was all just an excuse to reassure the
viewing public that Ola might've left, but the remaining professional dancers have, like, rilly impressive
titles to their name (“19 time Slovenian champion Aljaz Skorjanek”). Joanne is an ACTUAL World Champion. It was all the more special, as Tess
somehow SOMEHOW managed to successfully introduce each pro in the gaps in the
music. Poor Janette doesn’t seem to have
won any ballroom dancing competitions, but she made up for it by being the
standout dancer to be hurled about.
The new pros seem ok.
There’s a ginger one these days – Strictly diversity.
Other Entz
Some X-Factor singers
sang. One of them was dressed in a
blackout curtain, silver-encrusted mildew and Angelina Jolie leg, and the
other was that man who looks like a jovial potato with a slight weight problem,
even though he is very slim.
Final group dance
Sweet jay-sus, an
actual good group dance – this tells you all you need to know about the
calibre of contestant. They knew
their cues, no-one seemed to forget the dance routine, and everyone was tits
and teeth-ready. Even Ed was ok
– just a bit of a shirehorse surrounded by gleaming tried and tested thoroughbreds. It’s truly going to be a vintage year,
I hope. And my baby is now old enough that
I think (I *think*) I might be able to document proceedings.
Whoo hoo! See you in late September, dance fans. Prepare to make some very tough phone-voting choices.
And the meantime, same old drill. Giddy up and keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetc.
