Class of 2015

I had a baby boy this summer.  He is obviously the most marvellous thing that ever existed, but requires what some might say (not me, of course) is an inconvenient amount of care for this gambling enabler and part time amateur TV blogger during Strictly season.  So this year I'm dropping the gambling bit, and we’ll see how we get on with the blogging.  Apparently, it should neatly coincide with the four month sleep regression.  Hooray!  But I reckon I can throw down some thoughts, hastily grabbed during the moments that he does sleep (whenever that may be)...  

So first off – the Strictly class of 2015.  

Let's do diss!

We finally have our cast; the dribs and drabs announcement of middle-aged middle class 'naice' presenter after middle-aged middle class naice presenter - then BOOM! PETER ANDRE! - made it seem like it was going to be a terrible line-up, but now they’re all public and we've taken a step back, I think we’re ok.  I’m even ok with Pandre in there (I KNOW!  More on that later, viewers).  So who do we have?  Let’s copy the list off Wikipedia take a look.

Ainsley Harriott – TV chef

Oh Ainsley. What ‘fun’.  Mind you, who else do you remember from Ready Steady Cook?  I remember that odious Antony Worrall Andathirdname man, a Northern one with a tashe, the aerobics-loving female chef (a lady chef! Imagine!), Fern's former bodyweight - and good old Ainsley.  Chefs are a mixed bag (worth £5 or less, amiright) on this show, with the Karen Hardy Gary Rhodes bum bongos a memorable Strictly low – but I can see Ainsley going quite far.  I suspect he can shimmy.

Anita Rani – TV presenter

Smart, articulate, attractive, seemingly unbland – this bodes well, even though I realise I’ve been long since pairing her face with the voice of Radio 4’s Anita Anand. (And I did think that the Strictly producers were going for a erudite middle-class cast in a way that went even beyond the Bake Off model, but Anita Rani is One Show sanctioned, so we’re in comfortable populist territory.)

Anthony Ogogo – boxer

This was the first ‘thank Gawd there are some young fit male ones in there’ (and the last, actually, looking back at the list – that boybander is not a handsome dude).  Obviously boxers can’t dance, cough*Calzaghe*cough, but Anthony is very easy on the eye.  He’s been waaaaaaaaay too defensive about taking part though - screaming "IT'S CAUSE I AM INJURED NOT CAUSE I'M GAY OR NUFFINK" at every opportunity.  (I tried scrolling through his Twitter timeline to find the Tweets, but there was waaaay too much gunff about boxing in there, so you’ll just have to trust me.  This is the kind of shortcut you’ll have to expect now I’ve got a baby.  So yeah, blame the baby.)

Carol Kirkwood – weather presenter

Lovely lovely Carol off the weather.  So lovely.  And so doomed to be paired with Anton, right?

Daniel O’Donnell – singer

Ah go orrrrn.  Get ye to 4OD and watch that classic Father Ted episode.  

Indeed I live for a waltz to the Father Ted theme tune.

And for Aliona’s face if she gets him.  MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Especially as this one doesn’t live in Miami* and his legion of fans will keep him in week after week after week after oh God remember the Widdecombe years after week after week after noooo please nooooooo after etc etc.

*or does he?! *rushes to Wikipedia* Oh FFS: "The couple live in Meenbanad, County Donegal, and spend time at their second home in Tenerife”.  Translation: when it's raining in Ireland, Mr and Mrs O'Donnell are in bloody Spain.

Georgia May Foote – soap actress

The only Strictly reveal I actually caught live was Georgia May Foote on BBC Breakfast, which, given that I had never heard of her was... disappointing.  She seems sweet, whereby I probably mean ‘not that intelligent’.  (And she’s got to be stage school.)  But she'll be a lovely dancer, no doubt - I'd guess Pasha’s going to luck out again.  I love Pasha, but he responds to his immediate stimulus (oi oi Riley) and I’m not sure I can handle that much bland in my pre-dance VTs.

Helen George – actress

I hadn’t heard of her either and haven’t fancied dipping into Call The Midwife, what with having given birth three months ago.  She’s got peroxide hair, which seems edgy for a period drama. 

Iwan Thomas – athlete and presenter

Iwan’s the ultimate rent-a-sleb for me - surely he’s done it already?  In a display of blatant unfairness, I took against him several years back for wearing ripped jeans, a shiny waistcoat and a tie - I’ve yet to persuaded of the justification for matching ripped jeans with a tie.  But I’m going to be open-minded – go on Iwan, you yet might get my (free internet) vote.

Jamelia – pop star and TV panellist

I learned to love Jamelia when she went on Buzzcocks and was unexpectedly hilarious.  Watch her here.  She will be GOLD.

Jay McGuiness – pop star

Following the tried and tested rule that in every boyband, one of them is really ugly.  (Like, really ugly.)  That poodle hair is ridic - not even Aljaz has the face to pull that off.

Jeremy Vine – journalist and broadcaster

Newsnight and Eggheads – that’s not any old CV, eh?  I recently learned on Eggheads that CJ was approached by Morrissey in a hotel in Manchester ("Hi, I'm Steven") and they had a lovely chat during which CJ failed to clock who he was talking to.  So basically CJ out-ego-ed Morrissey, which is frankly AMAZING.

Katie Derham – classical music broadcaster

When you present the proms you have to be the ultimate in ‘gosh yes I'm posh jolly hockey sticks but I'm also awfully, and so very approachably, naice’.  So it's unfortunate that her Wikipedia picture looks like she’s about to honk some giant boobs.  Anyway, what Vine offers an older housewife, Katie offers their spouse.  I like her!

Kellie Bright – soap actress

Me Julie off Ali G!  As well as Sylvia Young alumni.  She’s only going to avoid the ringah label as she’s older than Georgia May Foote, and GMF “seems the type”. (Yes, meow.)

Kirsty Gallacher – sports presenter

Gosh, she’s pretty.  I wonder if the Sky Sports recruitment team noticed that?

Peter Andre – PANDRE.

So I was all set to LOATHE Pandre, what with his tacky inflated orangeness and his role, whether active or passive, in naming a child ‘Princess Tiaamii Crystal Esther’.  Then I heard from a trusted source that he was a genuinely nice person IRL and I read the following quote about his predictions for Strictly: "I’m gonna do a mysterious twirl to Mysterious Girl, with a mysterious girl, and I don’t straighten my hair so I’ve got a mysterious curl – I’ve got it."  So yeah, maybe he’s got it.