It's Strictly, Jim, but
not (quite) as we know it. Now then, depending on your Christmas/New year boozing situation, you may or may not remember that, about a billion years ago, on 25 December 2011, traditionally known as Christmas Day,
there was a Strictly special. I wrote
half a blog on Boxing Day, then went off to a land where there woz no internet
for the last few days of 2012 (where I ate, drank and was generally merry, even
though I also had to pass on the £14 sweep-pot to my sister) and didn’t get round to
finishing it. I hope you all survived
without my words. Tough stuff, I
imagine. Anyway, I’ve finished it
now, so cast ye minds back...
Da da da da da daaaaaaaaa etc.
The
Christmas show is an odd one, isn't it? A
bit like Week 1, with nervously enthusiastic celebs, still rather 'raw' at
dancing, but with added baubles, tinsel and Christmas tunes (am still
waiting for a rumba to Band Aid), and with all four judges on the sauce and
happily channelling the Alesha Dixon approach to chronic over-scoring. Which is not to say that I didn't enjoy the
show - it was a fun, messy, festive blast, even if it's not quite the same as
the Real Ting.
Question number one:
how much dancing can you squeeze into a Christmas special? Well it depends on how much time you have left when you've allowed for the number of Christmas
puns Bruce can make out on the autocue.
This year, they opted for five celebs to perform, meaning there were
just five pros to take on the opening dance – you'll note that's an odd number,
and therefore a slight challenge for those accustomed to a dance form based
entirely on male/female partnering.
However, Vinthent, Katya, Anton, Erin and Ian 'may
his return to the floor be long and fruitful' Waite took to five-way partner swapping with
gusto, donning Sarah Lund Christmas jumpers and performing a very, very slow Christmas
jive. (My god, it was practically slo-mo, but what can we expect – it was an
Anton latin, so, speedy jiving would be too much to ask. Indeed, Anton tried to distract us from lack
of speed by doing extra high kicks, but WE WEREN'T FOOLED.) And although it wasn't vintage stuff, Erin totally flashed her pants and it also
featured Vinthent being literally tossed (ahem) to Ian, who picked him up for a fabulous
cheesy-grinned V-legged lift, which I loved – for I will never tire of their teeny and tall comedy visual. (In fact, please
note that this blog post will basically be a manifesto for the return of Ian and
the retention of Vinthent. Everyone
happy with that? Thought so.)
Anyway, after Anton had forced everyone to jive at half-speed for a minute or so, some giant crackers were opened up to reveal the celebs hiding inside,
looking only marginally claustrophobic and cramped in the squat position. And thus we welcomed Barry 'boxing/Norn Iron' McGuigan, Simon 'from Blue' Webb, Su
'she’s the reason I don’t wear dangly earrings with glasses’ Pollard, Charlie
'Janine off Eastenders' Brooks and Debra 'does that impression of Davina, oh
you know the one...' Stevenson. Fairly
famous, I'd say! I haven’t checked with my dad to
see which one he’s heard of (the ultimate fame test), but I’m thinking he’d
have heard of Pollard and Janine, at least.
As
for the pairings, it was all a bit business as usual - at first glance, anyway:
Sportsman
for Erin - tick;
Young
hunk for Katya to terrify into submission - tick;
Older
comedy lady #1 for Anton to shunt around the floor - tick;
Older
comedy lady #2 for Vinthent - ... hang on a second...! No tick!
Vinthentho got a youngerer 'un this year! Wowsers!
Ian's partnering also defied convention – he didn't get a very tall lady
celeb, as per usual, but got the average-heighted Debra, who looked fairly tiny by
comparison. (Which made me wonder if Ian
was fired due to lack of tall female celebs... Surely not? But if so, then that is OUTRAGOUS! If
the BBC thinks there's a lack of giant lady celebs, then I say "OI BBC - MIRANDA HART!" I know she's like very tall marmite, but I'm pro-Hart - she's the Strictly superfan’s spiritual leader. Miranda for 2012 – DO IT BBC. Her and Professor Brian Cox, please thanks
lovely.)
Right then, celebs introduced, it's time to get on with the show! And so without further ado.... let's slag Tess'
dress off. Awful stuff! Hooray! Up top, taxidermist-chic and a rather mangy feather
corset; like wardrobe had popped over to Slimbridge Wildfowl Centre and
pritt-sticked on a bunch of flamingo feathers that had malted off and gone a
bit manky... Also, it looked well
itchy. Bye bye TessDressMess for another year. Looking forward to seeing what monstrosities
will appear again come September 2012.
And
then, after some Bruce waffle (thank gawd I had a whisky to hand) and an
unnecessary make-up splurge on Craig as the charleston-ing Grinch (too random
for me), we finally got down to the dancin'.
First up, Katya, partnering Simon Blue, and looking especially delighted to
have a young hotty on her hands - so much so, that she decided to ignore any
advances feminism have brought us, and went for 'wifey in yellow mini-pinny
cooks Christmas dinner for oversexed hubby and does a little strip' as the
theme for her cha cha cha. It clearly
suited Simon, who managed oversexed very well indeed. Credit where it is due, he was better than
most of this year's lot in Week 1, and certainly had the macho gurning down pat
already. I'd be happy to see him back
for the full series, really, and not just because of his obvious dance ability
or his perfectly symmetrical face, but because it's always nice to see that the
gym buffing that (selected members of) Blue put in pre-Eurovision hasn't
deflated. (Oh Costa. Bless your love for pies.)
I
also particularly enjoyed Craig's assessment of their performance: “AMAZONIAN!"
I.e. “LIKE A WARRIOR WOMAN.” My, how I chuckled. Do we think CRH's maybe running out of
multi-syllable words denoting praise? I
mean, what else can explain him calling Simon a girl? (Hmmm... don't answer that.)
And
then, pray respectful whooping, as Ian Waite took back his rightful place on
the Strictly floor. MANYLEVELSOFYAY! What a delight to see those lengthy limbs
back in shiny dance trousers, and, in this case, also reclining on a Christmas
chaise longue. Debra's dress was a
little odd; a ghettofabulous jive dress sown on to a swishy elegant foxtrot
gown, but I suppose that's BBC budget cuts for you – sometimes you just gotta
recycle. They also made use of Debra's
impression skills to bring Claudia into proceedings – Debra really is good at
voices, innit? A little word on Her Royal
Winkleman whilst I'm here. I think
Claudia's slightly wasted on the Sunday show – Len's Lens has potential, but it
isn't quite enough for Claude to live out her full crazy. Zoe did a very fine job babysitting It Takes
Two, but ultimately I want to see Claudia back next year – she can bring the
baby to work or something, am sure a Winkleman toddler on screen would just
heighten proceedings. Anyway, I think
you're entitled to flexible working after maternity, so maybe a job share could
work? Mmkay, thanks.
I’d
also like more Erin on It Takes Two next year – she’s a flippin' gem, that
woman! (Worth having to bear Anton,
almost.) There are many reasons why I
love Erin; one reason, for example, is that you can never tell if she's happy
with her partner or wants to bludgeon him with the glitterball. (Absolute
poker face. Or maybe botox...? Either way, years of practice with Anton.) Anyway, she and Barry put in a lovely, joyful
quickstep, even though she's about a head taller than him in heels, and she
also managed to maintain the lovely frock run she'd (mostly) had this year,
right down to fairy lights in the bun – not a euphemism.
And
then... the Pollard. Did you know that
she had a pop career? That passed me by,
until Radio 4 (yes that's RADIO 4), brought it to my attention, when MarkGatiss actually picked her as one of his desert island discs (Certainly Su covering Frieda fromAbba's 'Come To Me (I Am Woman)' is not without charm. Su clearly drew on all that experience for Strictly, arriving on the floor in furs, riding on a white sleigh
(apparently it doesn't count as 'messin abahht' if it's Artem and Pasha pulling
you in), before Anton fancy-footed his way towards her (and if you weren't already feeling ill from excess turkey...), stripped Su of her furs and revealed her to be
dressed as a Christmas tree; typical Anton really - why bother teaching any
dancing when you can dress your partner as a festive ornament and shunt her
around a bit? Not that Su seemed to care
– she was loving it all, talking incessantly throughout (whether rehearsing,
dancing or being judged) which quite brilliantly culminated in her attempting to stab Craig with an
invisible icicle. Craig, ever measured,
faced by the violent attack of a sixty-something woman with a weapon made of
air and her own imagination, swiftly defended himself by brandishing a chair in
Su's face. Excessive much? (Probably not, really – I'd back Pollard, if we're
betting.) She scored poorly - and that's in a competition where the tens were being thrown around like Anton's partners.
But they saved the best til last - costume-wise, anyway: Vinthent as mini
Santa, resplendent in red satin. Just wonderful - may he
never ever ever leave (I’m terrified he and Flavs are going to be booted off. I thought Vinthent was crying during the 2011 Final – may it not be so!!!!). He and Janine basically had a right
laugh rehearsing and then trotted out a pretty decent jive for a first
attempt. Going last is always an
advantage, when it comes to scoring and audience voting, but I think they
probably did get my vote too. Mainly for
Vinthent’s outfit, obviously.
And
so, in the end, Charlie and Vinthent were the obvious winners with their joyful
jive – indeed, as someone’s mum recently malaproped, it was a no-boner. Let’s just hope that Ian and Vinth have done
enough to secure their places on the dancefloor next year... I'm still not sure if I prefer this format,
where they get a brand new line up of beginners for a one-off, or prefer the
old format of past winners and an inter-series contest, but this year's Xmas
line up was a v. good one – I'd happily see any of them back. Even Pollard (minus Anton. However,
I must be honest – I was less keen to see Russell back. As much as he entertained and amused in the
heart of the 2011 series, I don't think he worked as the main interval showpiece –
especially as he wasn’t even wearing a new outfit (about 50% of his success during
the series was down to his accessorising). I'd have rather had some quality pro-dance action,
especially as the overall standard was (understandably) lower than the last few
weeks. And it seems such a shame to
waste Pasha when he's there. *sigh* At least he
featured in the utter
shambles of a Christmas group dance we've learnt to know and not love, which was notable for a) Nancy’s
sad absence and b) Anita and Robin not really bothering to do more than booze by
the fire (perfectly in time to the music).
But, let us not be unhappy - the Christmas special’s a good way of letting us go gently, winding us
down for another year. Having said that, it’s
now January and Strictly still hitting the headlines today, for Alesha is quitting –
cue a chorus of indifference. See ya Alesha, you woz able to use grammar correctly, but you were never going to get past Arlene-gate. The real excitement centres on who will be next! No doubt
the BBC will mess this one up royally, but my vote goes to Karen Hardy, of course. Should you care to speculate, the runners and riders have been helpfully catalogued by the Daily Torygraph. I understand
that there’s unlikely to be a decision until the summer – and a whole number of departures could happen
between now and then, really. After what’s
happened in previous years, I’m not sure anyone’s safe... Still, we have plenty of time to get happily furious about all of that. Yay!
In
the meantime, the showbiz calender must go on, and lo, you'll be DELIGHTED to know that it's only 145 days to Baku 2012 – Eurovision ahoy! Rejoice! Let rampant abuses to music and human rights guide our way. Tour aside, Strictly's napping now, but no need to be sad, for you know that the Eurogays will keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
dancing. And that's good enough for me!
Thank
you and good night! xxxx
